Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still buy gift without one bridesmaid

129 replies

EVWert · 23/07/2023 21:52

Hello,
There are 5 of us who are bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding.
We have been discussing ideas for upcoming hen do and things to buy as joint and 4 of us are really eager. However, one has not been replying to many messages.
I've tagged her to make sure she is seeing the messages, but she clearly sees them as the tick goes blue.
We need to buy gifts for the bride and she responded this morning saying that she hopes we don't mind but she's getting overwhelmed with all this gift chat and thoughts of spending.

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue?
We want to present the gifts on the eve of the wedding but we're finding it a bit awkward now as if she's not getting involved we can't really present the gift as then it might make her feel awkward as she didn't put money towards it.

Literally, all it is is a necklace, earrings and bracelet and between the 5 of us it won't be much.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 23/07/2023 22:23

This seems unusual to me. When I got married I got small gifts for my bridesmaids to say thank you, rather than the other way round?

This.
I think your family might be a little out of step with what is 'usual'. Now, not that that matters if you want to buy anyone a present at any time, for any reason, but clearly this other bridesmaid has said that she doesn't want to / can't, and you should respect that. It's not easy to speak up against what a group are 'assuming' everyone will want to do. As she has done that, then drop it.

ThePoshUns · 23/07/2023 22:24

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:20

My family have always bought for the bride, it's the norm for us

How many weddings do you have in your family? Can't remember the last one I went to

noglow · 23/07/2023 22:25

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:20

My family have always bought for the bride, it's the norm for us

This isn't your family. Have you pushed all the others into agreeing with this too?

Awrite · 23/07/2023 22:29

I have been a bridesmaid many times. I haven't heard of this gift giving to the bride that is the norm in your family.

Like pp's, I have my bridesmaids a gift to thank them.

You have got this arse over tit.

Poor bridesmaid. You are the one causing the awkwardness.

Quitelikeacatslife · 23/07/2023 22:29

No it's weird, it can cost a lot to be a bridesmaid, sometimes paying for own hair make up dress shoes etc then staying at hotel night before, etc. I know the couple get the bridesmaids a thank you gift but not bridesmaids buying for bride.
Maybe chip in for nice champagne the night before and would buy own wedding gift for the couple but not from the bridesmaids.
She probably thinks it's odd

Flowerblooms · 23/07/2023 22:30

She probably hasn’t been replying because it’s awkward to be the only one saying no, she can’t afford it. You have backed her into a corner. You have no idea about her finances so don’t make assumptions.

Also, has there been other things that have had to be paid for like a hen do etc? It all adds up.
Have heard of giving the bride a gift but it’s definitely not the norm.

Cosycover · 23/07/2023 22:35

The Bride gives the Bridesmaids gifts the night before surely?

Your family have completely made this up.

Gazelda · 23/07/2023 22:35

Accept her decision with grace. Don't question her further. Her finances are none of your business.

To save awkwardness, why not post the jewellery to the bride with a card from the 4 who are contributing?

Although I have to agree with others that I've never heard of bridesmaids giving gifts to a bride. Is there no end to the expense that being a bridesmaid is these days?

Mamai90 · 23/07/2023 22:40

I've done Bridemaid 3 times and have never bought the bride a gift. The most recent time was last month and there were 6 Bridesmaids, the Bride bought us small gifts but I've never heard of the Bridesmaids gifting the Bride because presumably you'll already be giving her a wedding gift?

When I got married none of my Bridesmaids got me gifts (besides wedding gifts) I would have found it a bit awkward because of all the expense of the wedding already (hen abroad, wedding hotel, wedding gift and God knows what else). These were my Sister and life long friends. Buying the Bride a gift is very unusual. She might feel embarrassed if you've forked out a small fortune already.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 22:47

I also don't think you need to buy an extra wedding gift for bride because you are bridesmaids.

It's sometimes tradition to pay for the bride's costs on a hen, have you done that? And maybe give a gift like a photo album from everyone? Does the bride want this necklace set is she expected to wear it at her wedding?

Solmum1964 · 23/07/2023 22:47

LobsterCrab · 23/07/2023 22:02

This seems unusual to me. When I got married I got small gifts for my bridesmaids to say thank you, rather than the other way round?

Anyway, you are being a bit insensitive. She's told you that she's short of money so you should respect that.

I was thinking this too! We bought small presents for the bridesmaids, best man and ushers - not the other way around.

IhearyouClemFandango · 23/07/2023 22:58

I have never heard of this buying for the bride concept. Surely she has chosen her own wedding jewellery? Or is this just general jewellery? Either way, odd idea.

You're being very unreasonable to be taking this attitude towards her.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 23/07/2023 23:01

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:20

My family have always bought for the bride, it's the norm for us

But I don’t think it’s the norm more
widely. Just give the gift with a tag signed by all the bridesmaids who chipped in.

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2023 23:06

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:02

Because we've been friends with the bride for years and the bride is giving us gifts as her bridesmaid? Maybe my family are different, but we've always bought gifts for the bride, I thought it was the norm? And buying as a group, makes it cheaper

Not the norm that I've heard of.

Bridesmaids would buy a wedding present for the couple but the bride buys the bridesmaids a present

ThreeLittleDots · 23/07/2023 23:11

I also agree that this is highly unusual and I would find it extremely awkward to receive such a personal, expensive gift as a bride. It's meant to be the othe way around. Perhaps your non-committal friend knows the bride better than you do?

Daisymae55 · 23/07/2023 23:20

Honestly, good on the bridesmaid for speaking up! I’d have felt incredibly awkward in this situation and scared to be honest about finances and speak up so good for her! weddings are so expensive for bridesmaids as it is and getting more and more so for bridal parties with the crazy hen dos that happen now, this unusual gesture only adds to it.

When I got married I got my bridesmaids gifts. I wouldn’t have wanted them doing something like this for me. Especially if you’re planning on the bride wearing this on the day. If it’s really something all 4 of you want to do I’d agree with a previous poster about posting it to the bride rather than putting the other bridesmaid in yet another awkward situation. It wouldn’t be fair on her at all, and would also be awkward for the bride (I know I’d feel uncomfortable if this had happened the night before my wedding)

i have a friend in a very well paid job by the way but due to family circumstances/various other personal things I won’t delve into, has very little disposable income. It’s not very kind of you judging her on something you probably know very little about.

VivX · 23/07/2023 23:20

I think the way to avoid awkwardness would be to abandon the idea of buying the bride a gift.

You can save your family's tradition of buying the bride a gift for when you're a bridesmaid to a bride who is in your family.

gavisconismyfriend · 23/07/2023 23:47

If you present jewellery to the bride the night before the wedding are you expecting her to wear it to the wedding? That’s what most people would assume and, as a bride, that would be a really awkward position to be in as she’ll presumably have already made decisions about jewellery long before then and may perhaps have committed to wearing family related items. Perhaps the bridesmaid is reluctant to join in because she can see how awkward and stressful this might be for the bride.

1037370E · 23/07/2023 23:54

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:03

And fair enough, she's doesn't want to get involved but we've been discussing this for weeks now yet didn't say earlier

What difference would her telling you earlier have made? She is telling you now, and you're still not listening. Honestly, you sound full-on. It doesn't have to be awkward - whoever wants to give her a gift can do so.

FarmGirl78 · 23/07/2023 23:55

noglow · 23/07/2023 22:03

Shes actually been very brave telling everyone. It can be quite difficult to opt out of these things. So you should be supportive of her

This! Using the phrase 'overwhelmed' to me sounds like she's dealing with anxiety or burn out
She might have too many fingers in too many pies, and this is one thing too many. Every day is the day she wants to duck out, but is so dreading letting people down she puts it off until tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. So it's ended up being last minute that she bails out.

And I have never known bridesmaids buy a gift for the bride. It's bad enough having this ridiculous thing of hen nights having to chip in to cover the cost of the bride's on a long weekend in budapest. I'll be blowed if I'm buying her a gift too. Jesus wept. 🙄

BrawnWild · 23/07/2023 23:56

If you want to get the bride a gift then either be nice and tell the bride it is from the bridesmaids and eat the cost or do it I individually.

If you were my bridesmaids and you got me a collective gift and made it obvious one bridesmaid didn't do tribute I would seriously look down on you all for ploughing on and making it awkward.

A gift for the bride should be nice, not awkward. Dont make it awkward, you make yourselves look bad, not the non-contributor.

Maddy70 · 23/07/2023 23:59

Just because she has a high earning job doesn't mean she can afford it. You have no idea what her financial commitments are

BrawnWild · 23/07/2023 23:59

And just so you know, pushing a collective gift when someone is uncomfortable is the definition of making this wedding about you.

She was invited as a bridesmaid by the bride so dont extend her obligation to what you want to do for the bride. I would be furious if you made my friend uncomfortable so you could have a moment in the sun to feel special.for how generous you are.

Butterflywings2 · 24/07/2023 00:03

I've been a bridesmaid several times over the last few years, and every time a present has been gifted to the bride (always usually jewellery) the night before the wedding. This is done instead of giving a wedding gift.
I would just give her the gift as planned and say its from the bridesmaids without mentioning that one didn't contribute.

Flisss · 24/07/2023 00:22

I've never heard of the bride being given a gift from the bridesmaids either. Maybe this bridesmaid feels that way too. Just buy the gift and write who it's from, the bridesmaid has opted out which is fine. No doubt she will be buying the bride and groom a gift as per the norm.