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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still buy gift without one bridesmaid

129 replies

EVWert · 23/07/2023 21:52

Hello,
There are 5 of us who are bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding.
We have been discussing ideas for upcoming hen do and things to buy as joint and 4 of us are really eager. However, one has not been replying to many messages.
I've tagged her to make sure she is seeing the messages, but she clearly sees them as the tick goes blue.
We need to buy gifts for the bride and she responded this morning saying that she hopes we don't mind but she's getting overwhelmed with all this gift chat and thoughts of spending.

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue?
We want to present the gifts on the eve of the wedding but we're finding it a bit awkward now as if she's not getting involved we can't really present the gift as then it might make her feel awkward as she didn't put money towards it.

Literally, all it is is a necklace, earrings and bracelet and between the 5 of us it won't be much.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 24/07/2023 09:02

If you go ahead I would just put "from your bridesmaids" on the tag or whatever.

Horriblewoman · 24/07/2023 09:05

Every time I’ve been a bridesmaid we’ve bought a gift or several small gifts for the bride and given them to her the night before or the week before the wedding.

However… I’d never force anyone else to join in with that so you are being totally unreasonable.

Sugarfree23 · 24/07/2023 09:11

IhearyouClemFandango · 24/07/2023 09:02

If you go ahead I would just put "from your bridesmaids" on the tag or whatever.

Op I think that's probably the best way to deal with it.
If you do decide to go ahead with a gift, just say from the Bridesmaids rather than singling out the one who doesn't want to contribute.

PoshPineapple · 24/07/2023 09:19

Personally, I've never heard of bridesmaids buying the bride a gift, so whilst it may be the norm in your family, it's obviously not the same for this bridesmaid, so I understand she might be feeling a bit "WTF". If do go ahead with it, then simply ensure the gift has a tag with the names of all those who contributed financially, if you don't want this bridesmaid to take any of the credit for it. Petty, in my opinion, but it's clearly bothering you.

As an aside, the jewellery that you're planning to buy - is it with a view to it being worn by the bride on her wedding day, or is it 'non bridal' jewellery to be worn after the wedding?

grayhairdontcare · 24/07/2023 09:34

Is bridesmaidezilla a new thing?
You are pushing family tradition on someone who has told you they can't afford it.
Think this gift is more about you and less about tradition.
You are not coming across well here op

Jumbojade · 24/07/2023 09:40

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:07

@Doidontimmm how? I'm not forcing her to buy it. I thought it was a nice idea and yes Itd be easier if she agreed as I wanted to give it as a group but I'll have to rethink

All I can see in your posts is “I” -

  • I thought it was a nice idea
  • I wanted to give it
  • I’ll have to rethink
Plus -
  • I’m not forcing her to buy it
Well you’re making a pretty big point of trying to get her to do what you want. You’re really out of order over this……think bridesmaidzilla!
MassSushi · 24/07/2023 09:52

"Dear Bridesmaid, I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I hope you're alright.
We are clubbing together to buy some jewellery which I think it would be really nice to give the bride the night before the wedding. We have bought the jewellery and divided the cost of it between the four of us, but if you would like to contribute then please transfer £* to me and I will divide it between us. Really no pressure either way, its definitely up to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward.

Let me know at some point. "

Honestly MN AIBU boards are just an excuse for some people to dish out a kicking. I hope you enjoy the wedding.

gingerguineapig · 24/07/2023 10:01

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:20

My family have always bought for the bride, it's the norm for us

Well you can do it then. You don't have to impose it on other people.
I'd have thought that paying for the hen do (and the bride's share), the main wedding present and any other incidental costs like accommodation would be sufficient.

User56785 · 24/07/2023 10:09

MassSushi · 24/07/2023 09:52

"Dear Bridesmaid, I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I hope you're alright.
We are clubbing together to buy some jewellery which I think it would be really nice to give the bride the night before the wedding. We have bought the jewellery and divided the cost of it between the four of us, but if you would like to contribute then please transfer £* to me and I will divide it between us. Really no pressure either way, its definitely up to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward.

Let me know at some point. "

Honestly MN AIBU boards are just an excuse for some people to dish out a kicking. I hope you enjoy the wedding.

You see, you presumably think that's a nice message. I think it's awful.

The other bridesmaid has already told the OP she doesn't want to do it. She can't afford to do it.

So why would sending her a message asking her yet again be helpful to her.

Luxell934 · 24/07/2023 10:15

MassSushi · 24/07/2023 09:52

"Dear Bridesmaid, I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I hope you're alright.
We are clubbing together to buy some jewellery which I think it would be really nice to give the bride the night before the wedding. We have bought the jewellery and divided the cost of it between the four of us, but if you would like to contribute then please transfer £* to me and I will divide it between us. Really no pressure either way, its definitely up to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward.

Let me know at some point. "

Honestly MN AIBU boards are just an excuse for some people to dish out a kicking. I hope you enjoy the wedding.

The bridesmaid has already said no. She can’t contribute, so why on earth would she send her this message?

Leave her be, either buy the jewellery with the other bridesmaids who are willing, or don’t.

Jumbojade · 24/07/2023 10:21

MassSushi · 24/07/2023 09:52

"Dear Bridesmaid, I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I hope you're alright.
We are clubbing together to buy some jewellery which I think it would be really nice to give the bride the night before the wedding. We have bought the jewellery and divided the cost of it between the four of us, but if you would like to contribute then please transfer £* to me and I will divide it between us. Really no pressure either way, its definitely up to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward.

Let me know at some point. "

Honestly MN AIBU boards are just an excuse for some people to dish out a kicking. I hope you enjoy the wedding.

Probably the only reason the other bridesmaids are contributing, is because bridesmaidzilla has forced her idea onto them and none of them has the courage to be the first to say no!

I wouldn’t be surprised if the others now find their voices and also say no, now that one of them has said first.

Jellycatspyjamas · 24/07/2023 10:37

"Dear Bridesmaid, I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I hope you're alright.
We are clubbing together to buy some jewellery which I think it would be really nice to give the bride the night before the wedding. We have bought the jewellery and divided the cost of it between the four of us, but if you would like to contribute then please transfer £ to me and I will divide it between us. Really no pressure either way, its definitely up to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward.
Let me know at some point. "*

I’d totally feel obliged to contribute if I got this message because I wouldn’t want the others to carry the whole cost because I’d assume they had based their contributions on the cost being split 5 ways and now had to cover my part too.

saraclara · 24/07/2023 10:42

MassSushi · 24/07/2023 09:52

"Dear Bridesmaid, I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I hope you're alright.
We are clubbing together to buy some jewellery which I think it would be really nice to give the bride the night before the wedding. We have bought the jewellery and divided the cost of it between the four of us, but if you would like to contribute then please transfer £* to me and I will divide it between us. Really no pressure either way, its definitely up to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward.

Let me know at some point. "

Honestly MN AIBU boards are just an excuse for some people to dish out a kicking. I hope you enjoy the wedding.

Nope. The first sentence is plenty. The most I'd say (and probably in a message just to her) is:

"I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, and that I've added to your stress. Don't give this another thought. It's all fine"

Womencanlift · 24/07/2023 10:57

So worse case scenario someone attending somebody else’s wedding could potentially be expected to pay out for the following:

  • engagement gift/card
  • engagement party - outfit and dinner, drinks
  • hen party abroad costs for themselves (flight/hotel)
  • hen party activities
  • hen party paraphernalia (straws, inflatables)
  • share of the bride’s hen party costs
  • costs for a local hen night
  • bridesmaid dress, shoes, accessories
  • hair and make up for wedding day
  • wedding present for the couple
  • travel to wedding venue including room for at least one night
  • drinks at wedding

And now it’s another gift for the bride just because they asked you to be part of their day.

Yes some of these costs may be paid for by the B&G but still a lot to spend without adding more to it

Cakecakecheese · 24/07/2023 11:04

What? This is a thing? I'm calling up my bridesmaids and demanding they buy me jewellery 😁

Obviously I won't be doing that because they gave wedding gifts and also gave up their time to help me and paid for my portion of the hen do, their own tickets and other bits.

Also assuming that someone can afford things because they have a high paying job is so incredibly unreasonable. Stop it.

HugoDarracott · 24/07/2023 11:06

Just because people earn decent money doesn't mean you can spend it for them.

People are allowed to choose what they spend their money on. I would be annoyed in this situation as she's likely already paid out for a wedding gift. That's enough.

Even if you are well off you can have lines in the sand. It reminds me of people trying to guilt me into paying £10 for teacher's presents when I had three kids and don't actually think they even need presents. Could I afford it - yes. Did I want to spend that money - no.

MichelleScarn · 24/07/2023 11:08

saraclara · 24/07/2023 10:42

Nope. The first sentence is plenty. The most I'd say (and probably in a message just to her) is:

"I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, and that I've added to your stress. Don't give this another thought. It's all fine"

Show quote history

That's the only reasonable message to send! The other is skin crawlingly twee and guilt inducing!

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 24/07/2023 11:13

Is gifting the bride jewellery before the wedding a cultural things op, and are all of the bridesmaids from the same culture? If so, it's helpful for you to say. I know there is a bit of an American trend of bridesmaids buying the bride a pair of Jimmy Choos or whatever, which certainly isn't a British culture thing; we just buy the bride and groom a wedding gift.

AutumnCrow · 24/07/2023 11:18

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:20

My family have always bought for the bride, it's the norm for us

But why?

And why a cheap set of jewellery? ('won't be much')

SunRainStorm · 24/07/2023 12:27

MassSushi · 24/07/2023 09:52

"Dear Bridesmaid, I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I hope you're alright.
We are clubbing together to buy some jewellery which I think it would be really nice to give the bride the night before the wedding. We have bought the jewellery and divided the cost of it between the four of us, but if you would like to contribute then please transfer £* to me and I will divide it between us. Really no pressure either way, its definitely up to you, and I don't want you to feel awkward.

Let me know at some point. "

Honestly MN AIBU boards are just an excuse for some people to dish out a kicking. I hope you enjoy the wedding.

She knows all this.

She doesn't want to contribute.

Do you normally just keep asking people the same thing when they've already said no?

Also pretty bloody insincere to say 'sorry you're feeling x' 😢 and 'I really hope you're alright' when she could not have been clearer that she is worried about THE COSTS OF BEING A BRIDESMAID and the clear true intention of the text is just to add pressure and ask AGAIN for money towards an unnecessary cost that she didn't agree to incurring.

SunRainStorm · 24/07/2023 12:29

Also OP - why would the bride want a cheap set of jewellery she didn't get to choose anyway?

Are you expecting her to wear it at the wedding?

MavisMcMinty · 24/07/2023 14:42

I’m a Silver By Mail fan, and a matching bracelet, necklace and earrings would probably cost around £200. For some SILVER.

How much is the set you’re intent on, @EVWert ?

And will you ever come back to your thread, @EVWert ?

Peony654 · 24/07/2023 14:50

Sorry but that’s weird. I’ve never heard of buying the bride presents apart from maybe bottle of fizz. She will have planned her jewelry already. I would have found it odd if my bridesmaids did this, and really awkward if they expected me to wear the jewellery. You have no idea about the other bridesmaids financial situation, and being a bridesmaid is expensive enough.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/07/2023 16:42

Womencanlift · 24/07/2023 10:57

So worse case scenario someone attending somebody else’s wedding could potentially be expected to pay out for the following:

  • engagement gift/card
  • engagement party - outfit and dinner, drinks
  • hen party abroad costs for themselves (flight/hotel)
  • hen party activities
  • hen party paraphernalia (straws, inflatables)
  • share of the bride’s hen party costs
  • costs for a local hen night
  • bridesmaid dress, shoes, accessories
  • hair and make up for wedding day
  • wedding present for the couple
  • travel to wedding venue including room for at least one night
  • drinks at wedding

And now it’s another gift for the bride just because they asked you to be part of their day.

Yes some of these costs may be paid for by the B&G but still a lot to spend without adding more to it

This is sickening. I can't imagine being so entitled as to expect any let alone all of this.

We long ago decided to attend ceremony only, if reasonably local, skipping all ancillary events. It works out fine and doesn't suck up an entire weekend or more.

Womencanlift · 24/07/2023 16:55

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/07/2023 16:42

This is sickening. I can't imagine being so entitled as to expect any let alone all of this.

We long ago decided to attend ceremony only, if reasonably local, skipping all ancillary events. It works out fine and doesn't suck up an entire weekend or more.

Show quote history

Completely agree. I wouldn’t either and I am lucky that any costs I have incurred to attend a wedding have been minimal

But then again when my friends were getting married Instagram wasn’t a thing….