To still buy gift without one bridesmaid

[EVWert]

Hello,
There are 5 of us who are bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding.
We have been discussing ideas for upcoming hen do and things to buy as joint and 4 of us are really eager. However, one has not been replying to many messages.
I've tagged her to make sure she is seeing the messages, but she clearly sees them as the tick goes blue.
We need to buy gifts for the bride and she responded this morning saying that she hopes we don't mind but she's getting overwhelmed with all this gift chat and thoughts of spending.

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue?
We want to present the gifts on the eve of the wedding but we're finding it a bit awkward now as if she's not getting involved we can't really present the gift as then it might make her feel awkward as she didn't put money towards it.

Literally, all it is is a necklace, earrings and bracelet and between the 5 of us it won't be much.

Just want to back you up here it can be a thing. I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times and got married 2 years ago and all the bridesmaids chipped in and bought each other really pretty tea sets. So bridesmaids definitely can buy presents for the bride. (And yes I bought them presents too).

Personally what I would do is just buy the gift between the people responding and leave her to it. Maybe she’ll buy the bride something separate. I know it’s a bit annoying that bride may assume she has paid towards it but it’s probably not worth arguing.

I can completely identify with the WhatsApp being too much. I doubt it's even about the money as such she's just not interested.
Is it standard to buy the bride a gift? I've never heard of that. You've said the gift wasn't expensive, but it's a necklace, earrings and bracelet...all 3. You're not expecting her to wear them on the day are you? Sounds like you just felt you wanted to do something extra for your own reasons and she didn't. I doubt she'll care that the bride knows it's not for her. She'll guess you're the instigator which presumably is what you want.
If you feel awkward, that's on you.

Sorry, you and your family have been getting it wrong for years. Bridesmaids do not buy gifts for the bride.

However it is not the norm for most people, so you are imposing your family's traditions on others, who probably didn't know it was a thing.

I’ve been a bridesmaid just once, and bought the couple a joint wedding present, and they gave me a present from them both to thank me for bridesmaiding.

The hen night was the night before the wedding, a fancy meal paid for by her mother, and the “surprise” was our friend working in Saudi who pretended she couldn’t get leave to attend, then turned up unexpectedly at the restaurant on the hen night!

I really couldn’t be doing with a “hen night” of more than a few hours long.

The norm is to buy wedding presents for the couple.

But I don’t know what to advise you about the present. Probably the best thing to do would be cancel the joint present, as the 5th bridesmaid doesn’t want to be part of it, so both she and possibly the bride will feel awkward or embarrassed. I expect the other three bridesmaids will be secretly relieved at not having to spend more money.

Being in a wedding is expensive. She probably just reached her limit of being willing to hand over more money.

Just get it from the other bridesmaids, and don’t put her name on the card.

I've never given or received a gift the night before. I've done small gifts at the hen before. Usually funny rather than expensive. Honestly, it's not a thing!

The bride buys you a gift as a thank you for being in her bridal party you don't need to reciprocate.

How much are you spending?

I also agree with the PP who said she might feel forced to wear the jewellery on the day which is awkward.

That aside, maybe take this as a sign not to do the gift. The bridesmaid has been really brave speaking up and there might be others who feel the same and are waiting for your response. Clearly they have reason to be nervous.

Yes this. If you go ahead and make it clear this friend didn't contribute I would think you were a massive bitch and would judge you for that. It would be a horrible thing to do.

Buying for the bride? Never heard of that.

You're a Bridesmaidzilla.

You do not know what someone's financial commitments are regardless of their job. Discussing it for weeks doesn't change that and they have been forced to explain they are not comfortable.

I have been a bridesmaid 6 times and never given the bride a gift of jewellery and have always done a present for the couple instead. It sounds like your trying to force your family traditions onto them

I don't know wether giving the Bride a gift is etiquette or not.....but in the absence of a reply id have considered perhaps there was a problem and just put her name on the gift too- because it's the kind thing to do.

She doesn't want to be involved in the joint gift.

Leave her alone, for fuck's sake, and stop thinking up ways to spend other people's money for them.

This!

I've been a bridesmaid many times and always privately selected my own gifts for the couples.

You sound extremely bossy. She’s said no. Move on!

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue?

You really can’t imagine that being a bridesmaid might be really expensive regardless of income. I know I’d set a budget for how much I wanted to spend on all things wedding, and my heart would sink as folk had more and more ideas which might be lovely but would keep ramping up costs. At some point I’d need to say “no” because I just don’t have endless money to spend on someone else’s big day.

It is normal for bride to buy bridesmaid gifts, definitely not the norm the other way around, it is very unusual, in fact I have never heard of it before. Your friend might just think this is weird and unnecessary or perhaps she has financial commitments. You need to back off.

I have a feeling that the gift may be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm well off but the cost of hen weekends in the past has made me uncomfortable. They may be good friends but the cost can spiral out of control and you become a bit resentful. Particularly when it's being arranged by someone who wants to arrange a lot of expensive activities.

And I've only ever given a gift to the bride as a wedding present, never on a hen do.

She may very well have a high paying job but does she have dependents, her own home, debt? Her money is probably ear marked for lots of other things. Her job is also probably demanding so she isn't able to keep up. Its a nice idea but brides don't expect gifts off their bridesmaids. Traditionally it is the other way around. There is clearly a lot to pay out for here.. hen party, hotel, food, make up. I wouldn't push it as it could cause upset. Could you not ask if she would like to make a contribution she is comfortable with?

This. Are you 'chief' bridesmaid or want to be seen as? It sounds b much this is more of a "look what a great friend i am arranging this fabulous gift, we all paid for it other than mean old Suzy who just wouldn't!"
Nice atmosphere you're creating.

You mean well - it’s your tradition and you think it’s a nice idea. But the other bridesmaid does not think it’s a good idea and has told you she doesn’t want to do
it. You have to respect that and leave it alone now.

I always wonder if people make assumptions when they say someone has a high paying job. I know full time uni lecturers on under 20k. New criminal lawyers can get paid less than minimum wages if they are doing duty shifts. People in managerial positions can be given pay rises of only a few hundred a year that gets eaten in tax.

Be a bit sensitive OP and try to celebrate your friend's hen night without it costing the earth.

If it's your family tradition then you buy it yourself. She doesn't need the whole jewellery shop, just get her one of the items instead.

And yes just because on paper someone earns a good salary, doesn't mean you can spend it for them on your priorities.