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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still buy gift without one bridesmaid

129 replies

EVWert · 23/07/2023 21:52

Hello,
There are 5 of us who are bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding.
We have been discussing ideas for upcoming hen do and things to buy as joint and 4 of us are really eager. However, one has not been replying to many messages.
I've tagged her to make sure she is seeing the messages, but she clearly sees them as the tick goes blue.
We need to buy gifts for the bride and she responded this morning saying that she hopes we don't mind but she's getting overwhelmed with all this gift chat and thoughts of spending.

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue?
We want to present the gifts on the eve of the wedding but we're finding it a bit awkward now as if she's not getting involved we can't really present the gift as then it might make her feel awkward as she didn't put money towards it.

Literally, all it is is a necklace, earrings and bracelet and between the 5 of us it won't be much.

OP posts:
QuillBill · 24/07/2023 07:50

I've also never heard of buying the bride a gift. A wedding present for the couple, yes. A gift for just the bride, no.

Is it just if you are a bridesmaid? Or at every wedding you go to.

Regardless, it's not her tradition, she doesn't want to do it. You can't push other people into your family traditions. The world would be crazy.

Mercibuckets · 24/07/2023 07:51

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 24/07/2023 01:26

Being in a wedding is expensive. She probably just reached her limit of being willing to hand over more money.

Just get it from the other bridesmaids, and don’t put her name on the card.

This is the only thing you can do if you really want to do. I agree with everyone else that it’s unnecessary. If not YOU will be the person causing a rift and anxiety for your friends and the bride. It won’t be a nice thing and the bride won’t have positive associations with the jewellery.Why would you want to do that?

FrauleinElsaMars · 24/07/2023 07:51

Very unusual for the bridesmaids to buy a gift like that for the bride, and puts the bride in a v awkward situation if she would be expected to wear the jewellery for her wedding day. On my wedding day my something borrowed was my Mum's wedding jewellery and it was very sentimental to me so I would have hated someone else to give me jewellery and put me in the position of telling them I wasn't going to wear it.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/07/2023 07:53

There's lots of reasons that someone, who on the surface appears to be earning well and have money, doesn't have a pot to piss in. Being a bridesmaid isn't cheap when it comes to gifts and hen do's, maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back for her. It can also be very difficult to admit that you simply 'can't afford something' in front of a lot of people who are willing to pay the amount. Cut her some slack

savoycabbage · 24/07/2023 07:55

My dh wanted to buy a bottle of whiskey for the groom for a wedding we went to and I objected as to me a wedding is the only time ever when a gift is supposed to be for a couple. That's what a wedding present is, traditionally, if you are keen on tradition.

namechange55465 · 24/07/2023 07:56

I have what could reasonably be called a "high paying job" (outside London, and outside Mumsnet). I have children, a dog and a husband who works part time for childcare/health reasons, and after paying for all the things we need as a family I have £125 a month to spend on discretionary things. I could save up for a hen do/wedding for a few months, but I'd be pissed off if I was expected to spend money on jewellery for the bride on top of that.

How much is the jewellery set just out of interest OP? "Not much between us" could be anything from £5 to £60 each in my mind!

User1815 · 24/07/2023 08:02

I think presenting jewellery to the bride the night before her wedding would be socially unacceptable. She will feel like you expect her to wear it when she will have already sorted her jewellery and may be wearing family heirlooms.

If you must do a gift I would suggest you make a memory book, fill it with photos and messages from everyone attending the hen party and present it at the hen party!

The bridesmaid can't afford your jewellery idea so you need to have a BIG rethink.

Theimpossiblegirl · 24/07/2023 08:07

This all sounds a bit ott. Are you expecting the bride to wear the jewellery set on her wedding day? Unless prearranged, it's going to get awkward. She'll have something planned.

I'm guessing you and the other bridesmaid aren't really friends, but that you have the bride in common? You need to back off, you're possibly ruining the whole thing for the other bridesmaid.

rainbowunicorn · 24/07/2023 08:08

You really aren't coming across very well at all OP. You are going on about how it is what your family do and what you want. It sounds like you have railroaded everyone into this and one person has stood up to you.

Abouttimemum · 24/07/2023 08:13

It’s not the norm to buy gifts for the bride from the bridesmaids. I’ve just been a bridesmaid and I bought her a wedding gift from myself and my husband.

If one of the other bridesmaids suggested this I’d probably have gone along with it but I’d find it strange. Anyway yeah she doesn’t have to contribute and you have no idea about her financial situation.

saraclara · 24/07/2023 08:13

Adding to the choir of 'it's not usual for bridesmaids to give the bride a gift'.

I'm not sure how it can be a family thing either. How many times have your family been bridesmaids who get to make this decision?

You need to calm it down. Being a bridesmaid is expensive enough without adding an unnecessary gift to the commitment. And group pressure is horrible. Good for her for expressing that she's had enough. It takes a lot on a group WhatsApp.

Gh12345 · 24/07/2023 08:14

You don’t know what her personal situation is though OP. She could have lots of debts or outgoings. It’s been a really stressful time for all financially this year and she’s trying to be honest.

starrynight21 · 24/07/2023 08:15

Surely the bride will already have her jewellery sorted ? I've never heard of bridesmaids giving the bride a gift - every wedding I've been involved in, the bride gives "thank you" gifts to the bridesmaids for all their hard work.

Sugarfree23 · 24/07/2023 08:18

I've never heard of giving the Bride gifts either, other than the standard wedding gift.
Being a bridesmaid is expensive enough, hen dos, hair, makeup, gifts.

You have no clue what her financial situation is, COL, mortgage rates, cars, everything is so expensive.

ActDottie · 24/07/2023 08:19

noglow · 23/07/2023 21:58

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue? this has really made me angry sorry. Who are you to spend her money for her. She's not your personal bank manager.

This

BreehyHinnyBrinnyHoohyHah · 24/07/2023 08:23

Would love to know how much this poor woman has to pay for the hen do, outfits, wedding hotels etc etc.

I bet you're not having a night out in the local town with a wedding in the local village hall and church 😁

User56785 · 24/07/2023 08:23

In answer to your actual question...no you should not still do it without her. You are going to cause an issue the night before a wedding when there isn't one at all now.

You are a bridesmaid, you aren't the groom or a parent or grandparent. It's not your place to give someone jewellery on the eve of their wedding. Even if it's not for the wedding itself.

Cakeandcardio · 24/07/2023 08:28

It's probably one of those situations where the cost of someone else's wedding is astronomical and she's had enough. Gifts for the bride is probably the final straw. By all means do what you want to do, but don't judge someone who won't get into the madness of it all.

decaffonlypls · 24/07/2023 08:29

If one's not willing to do it I think you will have to go separate otherwise it will be awkward.

Either-
She can't afford it (fine)
Doesn't agree with the gift giving (fine)
Is tight doesn't want to pay but wants joint credit

If you all do what you want individually she can get something in her budget/expectations

SunRainStorm · 24/07/2023 08:30

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:20

My family have always bought for the bride, it's the norm for us

It's not the norm for her.

Or most people frankly.

Why does your norm trump other peoples?

She's been honest with you, the costs are getting out of control. She would not have budgeted for this when she agreed to be a bridesmaid.

Scrap the idea and apologise for putting her in an awkward situation.

HoppingPavlova · 24/07/2023 08:31

Never heard of bridesmaids buying gift for the bride, only the bride buying a thank you gift for the bridesmaid, so while it might be normal in your family, if it were me I wouldn’t indulge it or participate and that’s probably where they are coming from.

RegentCafe · 24/07/2023 08:31

The groom gives the bridesmaids a small gift

no other gifts required

hattie43 · 24/07/2023 08:33

It's hugely awkward if in a group if not everyone contributes so for me it would be either the whole group does or you do your individual thing .

ElFupacabra · 24/07/2023 08:57

I think a small gift is fine. Jewellery she is expected to wear on the wedding day (which, let’s face it, is really what you’re hoping for here) is really over the top and puts the bride in a very awkward position if she doesn’t like it, or they don’t match the dress or, most likely, already has jewellery picked she wants to wear.

BM had told you her financial position, you have absolutely no right to her finances or
to question them and I do think you’re being very disingenuous saying she’s a high earner therefore shouldn’t have any problem paying. I think you show a lot of contempt for the BM.

So, if you’re dead set on the hideous matchy matchy jewellery, you pointedly say this is from 4 of us and make things incredibly awkward for everyone and probably lose the friendship with BM over a few quid and ruin what should be your friends day. Or you say this is from the bridesmaids and just suck it up. Or you knock the whole thing on the head.

My BMs did buy me a gift, but it wasn’t anything outlandish like jewellery, it was a small little package with little bits like mints, a face pack, a “something blue” thing I could tie into my bouquet (as I said I didn’t have anything blue) etc. Probably cost them £20 total.

Sausagedogmum · 24/07/2023 08:59

I think you sound like a horrible, judgmental person. Who the fuck do you think you are to come on here and judge someone because they are saying they financially can’t (for whatever reason which has fuck all to do with you), afford to put out more money so there are gifts for the bride.
Are you also commenting to the other bridesmaids about this, talking about the other bridesmaid behind her back?

Its not normal for bridesmaids to give gifts to the bride, so if it’s normal for your family, then YOU give the gift to the bride, YOU fork out the money for the brides gifts instead of trying to railroad other people who are probably already forking out a shed load of money for a wedding.