Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

What do you think releases more cortisol -

a. gentle sleep training where the baby cries for maybe a minute or so before you settle them for a couple of days
b. them crying and thrashing about for hours while you hold their hand or rock them for months on end.

Do you think there will be more attachment issues with a mother who has a mental breakdown from exhaustion or a baby that cries for a minute?

It’s like people have lost the ability to think critically and just parrot out outdated studies they’ve read on social media.

DS2 was like this and also is super bright aged 13.

All we could do was leave him to cry, go in comfort him, go out again etc etc until he slept.

He wouldn't be held, made it 100 times worse, couldn't have us there or sleep with us.

As I said he is now 13, very bright and sleeps very well

There’s absolutely no reliable, scientific studies that prove CIO or controlled crying has any long term effects on a baby’s brain. None at all. It’s all biased information. People discount all sleep training because they don’t want to leave their baby to cry (you don’t have to if you don’t want to) and it makes me so cross. You don’t have to martyr yourself to sleep. We all need it and frankly I’m a much better, more patient mum when I’ve had some sleep. The old Romanian orphanage story is NOTHING like sleep training.

babies who have all their needs met by loving parents who also choose to sleep train are happy, well rounded individuals.

Much sympathy OP, my 2nd was also like this and it was so very hard (and sad) for all of us. Worst part for me was other people trying to help by taking my DS … he went into meltdown and could cry for a very long time , hours without giving in. I was sure the day nursery would turn him away but turned out to be my sanity, he was still difficult at home but the break made it bearable. He was like this for at least 18 months and then very gradually got better but he honestly challenged me to aged 6 with crying and complaining. I used a pushchair for school runs until he was almost 6 because of the awful after school walks home and the effect on older DS and my sanity.
He was a late walker/crawler followed by late/last in most developmental areas. Was sure something had to be wrong as he was just so furious at being here and so very different from my first DS
fast forward to now, he is 9 and the most loving, kind, boy who is first to look out for his friends and who makes friends with people of all ages very easily. Funny, great company. I still can’t say what it was that made him so furious. He does have dyslexia, dysphraxia and is immature for his age. I remember a routine health 18 month visitor’s home visit.. he was crying CONSTANTLY , I calmly told her this was our life. He was fed, clean, loved and comforted (as much as we could), had been checked by medics for any signs of underlying illness, given lots of attention. We had tried pretty much everything going at various points. HV said it was wonderful that I acknowledged it and got on with it. WTF other option was there :) ???
OP it was dreadful. Survival tips..nursery and agree time alone with elder child shared equally between you and DH, when out, don’t apologise for your screaming baby, just explain that this is your life right now and she cannot easily be comforted. Start taking her to wherever it is that you need to be. She may cry but she does anyway but at least you may save your mental health and family life. Co sleep safely at night so that you can catch up on sleep. I was absolutely against this before DS2 and never did with DS1. This was our happiest time with DS2, much less fussing and good chunks of sleep with easy BF in bed. My DH slept alone for probably 12 months just so we could all have respite.
No magic wand, just find ways of coping and looking after yourself.

Controlled crying is way better than uncontrolled crying. Just sayin.’

Can you talk to the health visitor? Is there anything else she/ he can advise? I took my daughter to an osteopath trained in babies/ toddlers - it was a god send for us, as she never slept and we were exhausted- it was recommended by our health visitor at the time.

You said that you didn't want to hear that it will end...but it will. Maybe not overnight, but there will come a point where a switch will flip and you'll suddenly look back and be able to roll your eyes at this entire situation.

Way back when, I literally became like your baby. Didn't settle/sleep for 18 months, to the point that my mother was offered sleeping tablets (for her). Turned out that I was lactose intolerant (bottle/formula fed), and had reflux issues which were both there from birth (the reflux is genetic) - but not picked up until I was mid-30s.

Not sure whether hitting milestones early has anything to do with it, although I do agree that your baby seems very frustrated. As must your older child be. Talk to your HV, as a first port of call - and don't let it slide in a "oh baby fights sleep" sort of a way. Be brutal. "Baby isn't sleeping to the detriment of everything, most importantly older child's emotional well being...".

The caveat to the sleepless nights ending is that I'm 46, still a chronic insomniac - but have been able to fill the hours twixt dusk and dawn by myself for over 40 years now. The family "joke" used to be tucking me into bed with a chapter book from the age of about three, when actually, if they'd just given me gavuscon or a packet of rennies... all would have been equally well (with me in a better temper because of a decent night's sleep...!).

Can you get a childminder maybe? Just to have some space

My DD was like this OP and also ahead on milestones (e.g. could roll over at 2 days old). It was hell. We took it in turns to drive her round lots, sitting in the car with the engine runnning if you got back early, and sometimes even that wouldn't work- my poor dad once drove her round at 2am when he had to work the next day :-( I think you've had some great advice on here - I think managing stimulation is a good one (lots of good stimulation particularly earlier in the day so she is getting tired, but with a calming period before sleep). Follow her sleep cues closely if these are obvious. And co sleeping worked for us. It may be that these things work for you once she's reset; when DD was overtired quite simply nothing worked. We then basically drove her around for a couple of days until she was better rested and then it was easier to try things like baby carrier, cosleeping etc. Re carrier my DD would not go in it in the house but facing out on an interesting walk she would, so maybe worth experimenting with that if you haven't already. I would also recommend the Huckleberry app, perhaps for post sleep training as it sounds like the way you're going (NB sleep training was an impossibility with DD who would cry until she was sick if left alone/put down too long). The Huckleberry app is good for tracking sleep so you can see patterns which might help you realise what the problem is e.g. she slept much better after swimming but worse after food etc. It also has a sleep consultant developed plan in the premium version that they produce for you based on your sleep data. I found the app useful to spot patterns and to identify the 'sweet spot' for sleep, but I found it annoying and stressful filling in all the data when exhausted so just did it religiously for a couple of weeks and then a bit more intermittently to help manage bad patches.

Good luck with it, I really hope you can get it sorted. NB DD only started sleeping through the night once she went into her own room and proper single bed. No idea why that made a difference to her versus the cot but it did. Not that that helps with your 8mo.

Sorry that is the world's longest post, and all I a block, trying to feed my very wiggly grizzly newborn at the same time!

Have you looked into silent reflux??
maybe try the gaviscon baby powders, seek advice but the thrashing about and the like could well be acid related especially as you say since birth

Please message ”happycosleeper” on Instagram. She’s a great sleep specialist x

I should also add, we failed to get DS2 to sleep in a cot ever. Reverted to a mattress on the floor of our bedroom when he was 12 months old so that DH could rejoin the marital bed ;). We would take it in turns to lay next to him at his bedtime , he dropped off to sleep very quickly and we got our bed back. Easy to crawl out of bed and lay next to him on mattress when he woke in the night. He went straight from mattress on floor to a big boy bed at around 2 years old. (With a mattress on floor next to him in his own room for night wakings) . For us, getting sufficient sleep to survive the next day was key.

Does high IQ/giftedness run in your/your DH's family? Not sleeping/extreme alertness can be an early sign. You say both your DC reached milestones early, which can be another sign.

If this is the case, it could be a matter of under-stimulation/needing more challenging activities than the average baby?

Book
Contented little baby by Gina Ford.
Lifesaver after we had the same problem as you OP
We found it when first ds was 3/4months.
Do everything she says, blackout blinds, timetables, sleepwear….everything.
It works….used it for my twins too….bliss

LW is a sleep trainer who uses cry it out despite what she says

I understand where you are coming from OP. I was there. I did sleep training. It was most definitely cry it out. It had got to the stage where I didn't care because DC2 was breaking me.
It is many years later now. I don't regret doing it, I needed to do it but I regret that I didn't acknowledge what I was doing at the time.

If you decide to sleep train, don't let any sleep trainer tell you its a gentle form of it. You're letting your child fall asleep exhausted from crying. If you need to do it to save your relationship with other family members and in my case with DC2, then do it.

Get a sleep consultant! Ours did not do the crying it out method but really helped us and within a week things were so much better we regretted not doing it sooner!

Hope not already posted.https://www.cry-sis.org.uk/

It does sound difficult, but I'm sorry, I don't understand why the baby takes up the full attention of both of you at all times? One of you should be able to spare 20 minutes to tuck your 5 year old in at night. What are you both doing during that time? Your DS should not be left asking you to spend an hour with him for his birthday. And have you considered that you could wind up causing resentment issues?

I think you're maybe both too exhausted to see the wood from the trees and should consider hiring an expert.

100%

I really apologise as you sound at the end of your tether.
I had a baby like this and the only thing that worked was singing while gently rocking her on my chest.
It was a really hard first year and then she calmed right down. Have you tried a small bedtime bottle (her) and then maybe, be ready for two hours of humming and singing?

sorry to detail OP but @OhwhyOY your baby didn't actually roll over at two days old did they?' That must be a typo! I'd be fascinated if they did, my first did sone things early so I'm always interested but I've never heard of anything like that

If you are still bf I’d cut out caffeine if you haven’t already, that helped a bit for me.

It must be utter hell for you, your husband and your older child.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Not sure what to suggest, but your marriage will suffer if this carries on - Some form of sleep training is the only way- to save your family.

A friend had a child who wouldn't sleep, and it was absolute hell for them as a family- she is a really patient , kind woman- but it drove her to the brink.

Could I suggest you take her to an osteopath?

https://www.osteopathy.org.uk/home/

https://www.iosteopathy.org/

Are osteopaths regulated in UK?
By law, osteopaths must be registered with the General Osteopathic Council (GOsC). The GOsC only accepts registration from practitioners who have a qualification in osteopathy that's recognised by the GOsC and who comply with their standards of practice.

Safety and regulation - - - Osteopathy - NHS
www.nhs.uk
https://www.nhs.uk › conditions › osteopathy › safety

Who regulates osteopaths UK?

The General Osteopathic Council are an organisation which regulates osteopaths in the United Kingdom. They set standards, hold a register, quality assure education and investigate complaints.