Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

Oh and BTW dd and ds are both grown up functional humans.

Would safely bringing her in/next to your bed help? We had a very clingy baby and set up a co-sleeping arrangement taking the side off the cot.Some babies just like being close.

Maybe you are just burnt out but do you feel bonded with her in general? As it sounds like you are struggling to see her in any positive light, wanting distance from her etc so did wonder about PND?

If you do Ferber sleep training it only take two or three nights.
It saved our sanity!

You are the issue here! Stop trying to be so ridged.
I have a 9 month old. She doesn't have set nap times. Will have 1-3 naps per day around what we are doing. Her bedtime is between 7-9 depending on how tired she is. If she doesn't want to go down to sleep in the evening then I'll just bring her back downstairs and try again later.
Some kids don't need as much sleep as others.

If you have tried everything else then you have to do the sleep train. I remember being at breaking point at a similar age. Waking every 2 hours, chaos to put to sleep. Then we sleep trained. Took a night! And after that went straight to sleep! And slept all night. Honestly I was relieved but also like wtf have we been doing all these months!!!

I agree with this.

This entire thread is mind-blowing. The amount of people in the world who spend YEARS AND YEARS of their life miserable rocking a screaming baby to sleep and seemingly ignoring their other children, all because they can't bear to listen to them cry. Newsflash, they're already crying, you're not helping them by pacing the landing rocking them to sleep (seemingly unsuccessfully)

OP - just sleep train the poor baby. It's kinder for her and everyone else. Into her room, into sleeping bag, lights off, white noise on, cuddle and little sing song and down into her cot. Of course she will go bananas because she doesn't know how to fall asleep independently yet, but she will figure it out and there's nothing you can do to show her, she has to work it out herself. In a few days time you'll thank me.

Well I mean she's crying anyway so what will the difference be?

Sleep training of some sort with professional help is needed now for everyone's sake

Ps have you been to gp though just in case she has anything wrong

That sounds super hard. For naps have you tried putting her in a carrier on your back? You said she what’s to be close right ? I used to put mine in the carrier and get on with jobs and she would fall asleep as she wanted to be close and the rocking helped. Not sure what did suggest about evenings though. Have you seen the Dr someone told me a similar story and it turned out the baby had been injured during the birth and was in lots of pain and struggled to sleep just the same. Know that’s random one but could it be something like that

My daughter was the same she's 14 months now, honestly I stopped pushing for the naps. We were at the same breaking point as you. She's 8 months, let her play and stuff. She doesn't have to nap. There's constant developments and sleep regressions. You're coming up to the 9 months sleep regression. She needs you to be her support. She'll sleep when she's ready. She could be teething and in pain and there's just so much she can't communicate with you. You sound like you need to take a step back. I've not had a full nights sleep since she was born. It sucks. But we're making it work.

You've probably tried this but stroking my sons side of his face gently works very well I also put him in his sleeping bag for naps and give a dummy and play the same
White noise toy each time

She hasn't ruined the household, it's the sleeplessness. Try and remember to say that - it's the sleeplessness that's the issue and what's making you all sad not your little girl. She needs help from the impact the sleeplessness is having on her just as much as the rest of you do.

I'm saying that not trying to sound judgmental but because words to matter

OP it's interesting what you say about the early milestones. My first was very similar, fighting sleep especially during the day. She is now exceptionally bright and gifted and just so switched on, much like as when she was a baby and so switched on! Over a decade later. (Her sleep improved as a toddler) Hang on in there.

Sleep train for your own sanity. You don’t even need to leave her to cry at all.

Solidarity from one tired mum to another.

We sleep trained and did/do controlled crying. Always making sure the little one is safe, comfortable, not in need of anything. We comfort but do let them cry for periods of time. Tried cosleeping and other things, didn’t work for us.

You have to do what you have to do. One thing works for one family another thing for another. No right or wrong broadly speaking.

Can I ask what sleep training you used?

Good idea I've heard that works well

Search Becky Kallen and High Needs Support on Facebook if you haven’t found the group already - literally saved me at the same age. I’m guessing as you reference High Needs you are familiar with Dr Sears - we can talk more if you want to send me a private message. As hard as it may seem- Once you accept that this her personality and stop trying to “fix” things you will feel more sane. She doesn’t sleep? Take her back down and try again in 30 mins. Try earlier than you think as my girl was ridiculously over tired after not a very long time up. Rule out silent reflux as this was a big problem for us- try a sling if she won’t let you put her down. Most of all do not let anyone feel crap for how she is. In time you will be in awe of her stubbornness and determination and see the light at the end of the tunnel. 9 years on my girl is still HN but significantly above her peers in a number of aspects - she is just so very very sure of what he does and doesn’t want and not afraid to say so! If I could have my time again I would have gone to baby signing to help her communicate more. Sending solidarity and a big virtual hug - you will get through this 💐

^ this

Haha! My first was like that. Lob her in the cot and she'd go to sleep. My second was like the OP describes. Complete nightmare, would not cosleep, screamed constantly. We sleep trained at 6 months and night sleep improved dramatically straight away although he was an awkward sleeper until age 2 or so. Daytime naps were also better after sleep training although again he was still awkward and some days would be a disaster and he'd spend the whole afternoon screaming. Easy to say "let your baby fuss, don't bother about their nap" but actually it's pretty hard to deal with the consequences of no nap!

In hindsight I wish I'd tried an osteopath. And there could well have been a digestive aspect as lots of sickness. But in our case I think most of it is down to personality.

My little one always falls asleep in the car!!! Just like me (as a passenger obviously) - I use to time a trip somewhere for his naps!

I have to be honest though I think maybe don’t stress the routine to much at 8months old. Maybe you are trying to do what worked with your oldest child and it’s just not right for your younger little one?

The best advice I had before my baby was born was ‘be led by your baby’. Maybe just have them
with you in the evening for awhile - keep it all very chilled, watch TV (quietly) get cosy as a family. Then let them fall to sleep naturally.

Also means you will get abit of a lie in.

Right now the routine sounds like it’s not working at all. So just take the pressure off for abit.

I personally feel from 12months establishing an actual routine becomes more important- but totally appreciate every baby is different!

Silent reflux. Mine had this so mine wouldn't sleep no matter how tired unless I was holding them upright. It's treatable though with prescribed Omprezale.

Look into Cranial therapy. I took my eldest to one who specialises in infants as she could never settle and had really colic and reflux. Cranial therapy really made a huge improvement and then I was able to get her into a good sleep routine. It's worth a try.

I've read up until poss 8:39

When it comes down to it, it's them or you. For us, it was us, me and DH where we'd reached the end of our tether(s) with DS1.

The first year of his life was the worst of our lives. He cried and cried. No medical issue we ever found (consultant paediatrician, Oz). But. We'd had enough.

So aged 10 months, we did (I won't apologise for the terminology) controlled crying. It wasn't easy, but it took 4 nights.

Four.

Family life has to work for everyone. Ours had become untenable.

So we acted.

You have to be at the end of that tether in order to stay strong, but it worked for us.

FTR, ours was 1 minute; still dark, pat, pat (in the cot, no pick up); no eye contact, no talk, leave.

2 minutes, pat, pat, no eye contact, silence, leave.

5 mins, repeat.

Asleep by 30.

If your DH is resisting allowing crying, make him do it.

I'd like to say it was horrible, it tore into the very soul of me, etc; but it didn't.

I/we did what was necessary for the whole family. DS wasn't in pain or undue distress. He just wanted, understandably, continual company and stimulation.

That wasn't possible.

So we did what was necessary.

Thankfully, his sleep patterns have settled now, given that he's 24.....