Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

Everyone's experience is difference but sleep deprivation is actually torture. New parents expect the first few weeks to be difficult but when it goes on for months it's inhumane. With my first I actually wondered what I'd done to ruin my life and wished I could turn back time and not have her! Sleep training gave me back some sanity and I did have 3 more dc. None of them were great sleepers but compared to dd1 they were angels.

Couldn’t just read this and not comment. I went for 3 months with a baby not sleeping (I know nowhere near how long you’ve been suffering). Everyone was saying teething, sleep regression blah blah blah. Luckily just by chance someone recommended a sleep consultant and I was hesitate thinking it wouldn’t work as my baby would just fight going to sleep. I was on my knees. Can see why sleep deprivation is used as torture. The sleep consultant was just done over the phone and she didn’t use a cry it out method. The health visitor told me to do that and I personally found it so unkind and stressful. My baby was then napping - took 25 mins to settle her but she napped properly. In less than a week my baby was sleeping through the night. The sleep consultant also helped me with a routine. It was the best money I’ve spent. I know you said you’ve tried sleep consultants before but I’d definitely recommend the one we used. I really hope you get it sorted for all your sakes.

It sounds like a horrendous situation.
One suggestion, could you take her to a osteopath or physio to check there is nothing wrong with her neck or other body parts, ie a neck strain or something similar that may make lying down painful?
Hang in there...

Disclaimet, I haven’t RTFT, my eldest was a bit like that. The only thing that worked (not miraculously, but an improvement) was to have the nap time earlier, particularly the first one of the day. I was putting him to nap 90 minutes after waking up at that age, I think. If he is exhausted from not sleeping enough you may want to try even earlier.

Also, completely dark room if possible, some days I even had to change clothes and wear single coloured tops because otherwise he would just stare at the pattern on my shirt. I had never seen a baby fight sleep so relentlessly and successfully before. He is now 11 and still wakes up super early and probably could do with an extra hour or two of sleep, but at least he sleeps all in one go.

Definitely don't bath before bed and don't do anything that might cause them to sleep after 3pm (avoid driving if you can!)

There is a difference between controlled crying and letting her play happily in a cot. You could try sitting next to the cot so she can see you. We also put ours to bed so much later - about ten pm. They only needed about ten hours sleep at night and sometimes only eight with a feed in the middle. We found an earlier bedtime just made them ready to play around midnight.

There is a difference between boredom/tired crying and inconsolable crying. If it's the former you can try leaving for five minutes, then resettling, then ten minutes etc but never if they're howling for you. Explain this to your DH and he might feel more comfortable about letting them cry a little. You can also try this sitting next to the cot so your baby can still see you.

Sleep training doesn't work for all. I appreciate that many of you have used this method with success but it didn't work for my son. Starting as gently as possible (baby in cot , me sitting beside him) was still an absolute ordeal. He quickly became so upset that it took hours to calm him , he then was upset when he woke in his cot for weeks afterwards. Turns out he's autistic , so I'm glad I followed my instincts and stopped trying to enforce a sleep routine on him.
I'm not saying that any of this is relevant to the ops baby , but it's important to note that sleep training isn't always a good idea for varied reasons.

It is a pity Dr Spock went out of fashion. His book on child care was a Bible in the 60s and 70s. Perhaps you could get a copy. I do sympathise though. I had one similar. It all irons itself out in the end though, if you are patient. Try to savour each month, because the months and years pass so quickly before you know it, you have missed so much of their upbringing.

We sleep trained our 1st when she was 18 months and I was literally questioning my sanity. It was horrendous, but within 2 weeks we had a baby that went down at 7pm and slept for 12 hours. With our 2nd and our 3rd, we started off with a clearly defined bedtime routine from the word go and by 8 months of age, had reliable sleepers who could settle themselves. It's a skill that they need to learn, just like crawling, walking, eating.

This is tricky, my first child did not sleep in the day at all… from newborn was just awake all day no naps unless we were out and about it was really hard and people thought I was exaggerating until they saw it first hand. He NEVER napped until he went to nursery school. Second child only wanted to sleep on me, it was exhausting. Have you got any outside help? Can someone have them for you for a morning or afternoon to give you full relief? Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? No judgement but I was bf exclusively and it made things even harder x

Sending sympathy.
Sleep training worked with my first, but my husband needed to do it, I found it very hard.
We needed and got help with my youngest - depending on where you are in the country, can recommend the Cheshire baby whisperer. Saved my sanity.

Maybe allergic to milk.

Massage is great all over body especially feet

You need professional help. Try Millpond Sleep Clinic. They gave us a very gradual programme so I didn’t have to let my baby cry. Was years ago but they were superb.

Haven’t RTFT so someone else might have already suggested it but have you seen an osteopath? My youngest daughter was just as you describe and when she was six months old after feeling like we were losing our minds I found an article online about osteopathy for unsettled/no sleeping babies and thought what have we got to lose. It looked like nothing happened during the sessions but made the biggest difference. Honestly was like magic for us from the first treatment there was a noticeable difference.

This. I would be looking at allergies too.

My DC was like this age 1. Flipped on 1st birthday. For a year.
you’ve got to change it up. Do what works for you - maybe not the child so much.
YOU need to relax. Baby will be sensing your desperation.
I bought a pushchair for our bedroom, stuck baby in that sat up, with a cup of milk & I lay on the bed, watched tv, slept - not usually for long, but my advise would be shifting your focus!
is the poor baby just over stimulated?! …. & I say it from a place of experience of a living hell- & not being condescending.

Very true, ours screamed until they could talk.

Oh jeez. It sounds like a very tough time right now. I know it’s not always possible but I used to sleep when I had the chance, in the day time. We had similar issues with sleep and found a crainial osteopath, it made the world of difference. My baby also hated a sling (too restrictive for her) but driving around was ok to get her off to sleep and the buggy sometimes worked with a snooze shade to block out all light and stimulation can highly recommend that. They all have their quirks. Maybe your little one finds the world too stimulating for them like mine? Maybe try to do baths in the morning. At this age there’s a lot of brain and body development. So it is hard for them to switch off. We found pink, brown and green noise and bineural beats helped wind her down (way better than white noise), also she enjoyed singing. We also ensured she had a red light in her bedroom. And no white or blue type lights. We also started put her to bed a bit later than usual which made it less of a battle. We also Coslept but she had to have her own bed attached to mine as I think she got too hot in our bed. We found a book on sleep by Sarah Ockwell Smith useful, we also followed the Possoms sleep approach, the sleep consultant on Instagram called Care it Out sleep consultant and Lyndsey Hookway also really good. Some kids just need a bit more support, which is hard when you don’t have much support yourself. It’s really tough. Can you get a cleaner in so you can sleep when you would normally be doing chores? We realised our daughter didn’t need much sleep only 10.5 hours in a 24 hour period so trying to get more out her was doomed to fail. Maybe your little one also needs less sleep than others? I decided not to do any sleep training because I was left to cry as a very young child, I remember the panicked feeling of being left alone in the dark. I suspect it contributed to my mental health (trust/attachment disorder/depression) issues as a teen and adult and I can’t bear to leave my child to cry.

After checking allergies and craneo problems, I'm genuinely surprised more aren't suggesting singing with skin to skin on your chest.
Has anyone else found that helpful?

Hello! Sounds absolutely exhausting, I’m sorry you’re going through this!

This is a bit of a long shot but could she have a food allergy? My daughter was a terrible sleeper… and barely slept despite everything I tried. Just on me in the end (sling or on chest at night) and not for long!
I thought it was just her style/being a baby… but it turned out she had an egg allergy (and I was b-feeding and eating a lot of eggs myself). In case you’ve noticed anything when weaning or could chat to health visitor about (eg dairy).

I’ve not been able to read all the replies so you may have thought of this!

I really wish you a solution soon and some rest yourself xx

My first never napped at home - refused- he only slept in the buggy moving- my next 2 kids were completely different- in hindsight he only slept better at 15m - at that age he stop bf and learnt to walk-in hindsight he had some gas issues from my milk and laying down caused annoyance so he wouldn't sleep then get all hyped up. I don't have much advice- sleep training wouldn't have worked for us and my current baby 19m old has slept like a dream- ime its usually gas that causes issues (for us it was in intestines- my 2nd had issues until 6m old then gut matured) you have my sympathy- I don't remember much about those 2-3 years blanked them out

This is like dejavu for me and not sure if anyone else has mentioned or if this could be a factor in this case. However this very much sounds like trapped wind, almost from birth my eldest would never sleep, she thrashed and wiggled about constantly. Eventually I had to feed her completely upright (bottle) in a carrier as she would never let me put her down and it only seemed worse as the day progressed until night time I would spend nearly 4 hours every night holding her trying to get her down until she was exhausted. Nap times the same. She screamed constantly and it was a high pitched scream with real tears. This was also during the strict 2020 lockdowns and DH was working so I literally spent all day every day by myself trying to get her settled, I was at total breaking point. We saw countless doctors, paediatricians and switched out numerous formulas where finally she was treated for a cows milk allergy then she was weaned on solids as soon as we could. All doctors said was that she would grow out of it around about the 2-3 year mark if it was an allergy. Finally I twigged that actually she struggled with trapped wind and possibly a serious acid reflux issue as the problem was worse when lying down. Also your digestive system slows down at night so may have explained why the issue got worse as the day progressed. I would wind her for hours until she was comfortable enough to sleep where I could hear her physically burping hundreds of times and swallowing. If she wasn’t winded properly she would wake up screaming in pain until it was cleared. She also seemed totally hyper with the trashing about and if I tried to cry it out with her she would scream until she was sick. Fast forward to today and we have a nearly 4 year old who still struggles with trapped wind and constantly tells me her stomach is sore. We are still trying to find out what is wrong. I now have a three month old boy who is the most chilled happy boy, it is completely night and day in experience. Apologies for the lengthy reply, it may not be related but it sounded so much like my story I had to share.

Actually, I would do exactly that. I am a mum and I suffered from PNAD and part of it was my baby just didn’t sleep either! We had a sleep consultant and did one night of sleep training and I was beside myself… couldn’t handle it. So my amazing husband packed me off to a hotel for 3 nights while he finished off the rest of sleep training. Baby was 5 months old and it was so wonderful for all of us

We have tried for many years and sacrificed at least a mortgage deposit and suffered at least 6 horrible miscarriages.
He was and is a crap sleeper but not as bad as OPs.. and I will still say that it is really really terribly hard sometimes and any parent is allowed to have that validation. So don’t bother with the guilttrip.

Try looking at feed sleep bond lyndsey hookway