Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

Do whatever your bedtime routine is, put baby in cot. Keep very calm voice, and aim not to excite your LO. Leave quietly , if baby cries don't rush back into the bedroom, if you can wait 5 minutes that is ideal. When you go back in, no eye contact, no talking ,no picking baby up. Pat them gently on the shoulder, you can say a quiet shh , if you want, but quickly leave. Repeat as necessary. Leave for longer periods , say 10 minutes if you can. Both my kids went to sleep after 5 minutes, I admit I might have been lucky , but I know lots of people who have used this method. You have to be determined and be aware that your baby might take a while to settle.

This book is brilliant.

You've had brilliant advice so far op. My son has always struggled to sleep and after seeing a thread on here we removed dairy from his diet. It's really helped as some of the reason he struggled to sleep was constipation and general discomfort. He now sleeps through 3 nights out of 7 which is a huge improvement. There are other factors with my son though that are probably not relevant to the op's baby.

I would sleep train. It's not fun but it's much better than getting no sleep and from experience, they are generally happier when they finally sleep. I did the gradual withdrawal one. Mine was much happier when they finally napped properly.

It's not the worst thing you can do. I know someone who refused to sleep train, but spent her days driving the baby to classes on five hours broken sleep. That's far more dangerous to the baby, and to everyone else on the road.

Please don’t do CIO. Thats hideous.
could it be silent reflux? Carobel can be bought from boots and might be worth a try

@HowlingAtTheM00n

sooooooo unhelpful

@Sluttypants

things already sound pretty hideous though for everyone baby included

what makes you say it’s hideous?

@BaconChops

and then what?
OP can’t just go back to how things were

I wasn’t doubting that it’s hideous, but to leave a baby, who is helpless and can’t help him or herself is awful.
They need us to help them, not just leave them to cry in despair.
Its setting a child up to have abandonment issues, and can cause life long damage

I feel for you. Was literally at the point of throwing my son out of the window. Not quite the same but he was waking on the hour every hour and I was a zombie. All these stages do pass. My son is 23 now and sleeps endlessly!

CIO is not controlled crying. CIO is just leaving the baby to cry without going in to do the patting on the shoulder thing. I always called it 'the pat thing'. You are providing reassurance that you are nearby, but also getting the baby to understand that night time is for sleeping. Mine didn't actually cry, it was born hollering in disgust that I wasn't going to play.

Baby wear if she's being grouchy and awake so you've at least got your hands free and I honestly can't recommend co-sleeping enough. I know a lot of people frown upon it but it saved my sanity. 2-3 hours a night rocking the baby to sleep, putting him down like a bomb trying not to set it off, wake up, repeat. So I coslept. Laid down on the bed with him for 30mins until he was asleep then left him in the bed (safely obviously!) Until I went to bed then got back into bed with him. He just needed the comfort and security of knowing I was there.

No, but food and a good nights sleep helps to see things more clearly. They obviously need rest. Patronising isn’t a solution either???

@Sluttypants

but OP and her husband aren’t helping the baby are they? If anything it sounds like all the shushing and patting and attempts to comfort are stimulating the baby and having the exact opposite effect to what is intended.

also do you really think op should sacrifice her mental health rather than sleep train? does maternal mental health really not matter just so long as baby isnt left to cry or fuss for a few minutes?!

Could you sing in a reassuring way "it's okay to sleep, close your eyes, close your eyes, I am here..." Etc

Didn't want to read and run but sending solidarity. DS1 was a good sleeper - we were lucky but didn't know it. When DS2 arrived DH and I didn't know what had hit us. By 8 months he wouldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. We were broken through lack of sleep. DH took himself to the vasectomy clinic and vowed he could never do this again

It took two weeks of very tough love and regimented sleep training. We never looked back. It was both the worst two weeks of my life and the best, all at the same time. It was 22 years ago but I can still remember it like yesterday.

The first time he slept for 6 hours straight I woke up in a sweat, assuming he had died in the night but it had finally worked and he had slept pretty much the whole night. Now he is 22 he can do 12 hours straight and sometimes has to be woken at lunch time on Sunday.

This too will pass OP - keep strong!

Dd1 was just like your daughter and it was a total nightmare putting her to sleep. We had to do sleep training in the end though dh was against it - he wasn't with her 24 hours a day! There are gentler methods of sleep training. It would probably help if your mother or a close friend could support you for a few days or could have your older child sleep over. It's so worth it and better for dd in the long term. My dd1 loves her sleep now as a busy gynaecologist. She hasn't any dc yet as I think she is worried karma is going to get her.

@fedupnow2

how many successful naps per day and how long for?

I so get that! I didn't realise how anyone could murder a child until I had dd1. We lived in a 3rd floor flat and I fantasised about throwing her over the balcony so the crying would stop and I could sleep! 40 minutes was the longest she slept in one go. Like yours she now loves her sleep and at 31 enjoys early nights and late mornings!

That is utterly ridiculous. All babies do not go through this. I've had two children and never even had a day like the OP describes let alone day after day after week after month. To ask someone to be grateful and appreciative of this nightmare is asking too much of any human. I would be doing whatever I could to save my sanity and the well being of the whole family, including the baby.

My first DD was the same. I threw the towel in and did the sleep training - I was too exhausted not to! I took her away to my DMs when she was away so it was just me and her. It took three nights and it was a total success. It took a little while longer for her to sleep through the night but she was really easy to settle if she did wake up. DD 2 was sleeping through the night from the day I brought her home from hospital 🤷🏼‍♀️

Do people actually believe this shit? That for loving parents to spend a few nights or even weeks getting their baby into a good sleep pattern THAT WILL ALSO HUGELY BENEFIT THEM is going to set them up for abandonment issues and cause life long damage. Thank Christ humans are more robust than that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was there 6 years ago and it is awful.
We used a sleep nanny, it was an over the phone service and she was pretty brutal but things felt better within a week. It was very routine based, but when we stuck to what she told us, it worked. Mentally as soon as I spoke to her I felt like things COULD get better and I felt happier again.
Our son was starting to destroy our relationship and if you get to that, you need to do something. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

I had a friend whose first baby was like something out of a text book on childcare, fed, napped, slept at bedtime, easy to soothe and generally happy. Then she had her second and he was the total opposite, she told me that the only reason she and he survived was that she could not make up her mind whether to chuck him out of the window or just throw herself out instead! It is so tough that I think you have to experience it to understand how it breaks your soul. We do survive though