Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

We let our eldest cry it out at around 4 months as he could never settle himself. He cried for 30 mins and then only ever for a few minutes after that first night.

I honestly realised I was doing him no favours. He was really tired and need to sleep without me jiggling and constantly distracting him.

It's part if being a parent to sometimes see the bigger picture and accept they need to be upset for a while because they need to sleep.

I feel for you OP! I started a thread for a very similar situation. Total guilt for my older DD too (also 5, same as you DS) and truthfully I used to cry everyday thinking how life was before DS came along and how easy everything was. It’s gotten slightly easier over the last few weeks. Sorry I can’t offer any advice or support (except I would 100% recommend a sleep trainer from friends experiences) but just to let you know I feel you!

Op do you have a relative that could help? Just to take the kids for 24 hours so you and dh can eat and sleep in peace, to feel human again?

I had twins that were like this. I was a mess. Finally I would make sure they were fed, changed and comfortable and then I put them down. I would then go out and sit in our garage so I couldn't hear them cry. My husband was in the house but would not go to them. It took a few days of naps and down for the night but they learned I wasn't coming back and they would go right down.

I am prepared for all to tell me that I have scarred my children for live and caused them to have abandonment issues. 😃

DD was like this. It almost broke me. I’d look around at all her contemporaries napping and feel such an intense pang of jealousy. I wish I’d just left the house and got on with life a bit more, crying or no crying. It consumed me.

The only thing I might suggest looking into is whether baby might potentially be dairy intolerant. Is she sick a lot? My DD was an incredibly sicky baby , regularly vomited after a bottle and had horrendous foul smelling nappies. It turned out that she was fairy intolerant and we only found out 18 months down the line. It was a bit of a game changer.

And by fairy 🧚‍♀️ intolerant I mean dairy intolerant!!!

I did “The Happy Sleeper” method (you can buy download the book on Amazon) and it changed my life. I was in the same situation as you. Do the method and stick to it by.the.letter. I did it and my son was sleeping 12hrs a night by the 3rd night, and he barely cried at all. We did it when he was 9 months old, he is now nearly 4 years old and happily goes to bed, sleeps all night in his own bed and wakes up at a normal time every day. It’s game changing. Worth a shot x

You need to stop moving. Stop rocking/walking around/driving. If you've tried all of those things and they don't work just stop doing them.

In 40+yrs of childcare I've yet to come across a baby that won't sleep for me regardless of how they sleep at home. So if at all possible rope a family member or friend in for 24hrs to take baby and you get a full nights sleep.

If you are at home and need some peace try not moving about.

Sit upright on the sofa
Put baby's head in the crook of your left arm
Baby's right arm under your left arm
Turn baby so she is stomach to stomach with you
Put your right arm firmly across both of her legs with hand on her bottom
And just sit
Breathe slowly, don't move, close your eyes, with each breath out (in time to your heartbeat) make a soft shh noise. Don't have any other interaction.

It's like swaddling without the cloth and the added benefit of mums heartbeat and touch. It works for many babies. Might be worth a try for yours.

Otherwise I'm in agreement with many others, just go about your day with her in a pram or sling and stop trying to force naps. Neither do I disagree with a gentle form of controlled crying.

What a wonderful mother and grandmother you are, your family are very lucky ❤

We were like this. If you can afford a professional sleep trainer it will be the best money you've ever spent. This does not mean cry it out! Our programme was a very gradual and kind method that went over 6 weeks, but we started feeling more in control and relieved from the first session. The best thing about a professional is that they will tailor a programme specifically for YOUR baby and family. We got so confused trying to read all the books and try and find something that worked for us, and none of them did. That woman saved my mental health (I'd had a breakdown from PND and lack of sleep). I feel for you! If you can spare the money (we grubbed it together somehow) it is absolutely an investment.

20 years ago I could have written this post almost word for word!! My 8 month old (then) couldn’t sleep at all, naps were short. 20 minutes maybe, and she woke every single hour so down at 7pm, woke at 8, 9, 10, 11 etc, at 2am she was awake from 2 until about 4am, back to every hour until about 7am then awake. I took this for months despite also having a 3 year old and a husband that worked long hours until I just couldn’t any more.

I actually went to a sleep clinic who told me she just hadn’t learnt how to soothe herself back to sleep. I had her checked at the GP for reflux etc and once given the all clear they gave me very clear instructions for letting her cry but not abandoning her! So every time she cried I went in, the first time right away soothed her by talking to her and a quick stroke, then left the room. The wailing was bad! Then it was leave her for one minute and return. Soothe but not picked up. This continues and later on you return to show you are there but no talking! You leave it a bit longer each time too but I don’t think for more than 5 minutes ever. So it’s letting her cry but not scaring her that no one is ever coming! After 4 hours from bed I did feed her as she may have been hungry but you needed to put her down fully awake, ie not being fed to sleep. She was an extreme case and it took 2 weeks to get some sort of proper sleep in her and she still woke once for a feed but god that was such an improvement! It’s an extremely tough time but is so worth it. The sleep clinic were great, I could speak to someone every day and I had a sleep diary to fill out but it really did work!

She’s now a 20 year old uni student which I can rarely get out of bed before 11am now she’s home for summer!!

I’d get some sleep training in and good luck.

Can someone explain what sleep training is? My kids are 19 and 20 so I’m not up to date with the new way to bring up kids

Was your baby born very quickly or traumatically? If so, she may have her skull bones out of alignment and might need cranial osteopathy. Do Google it. It worked for one of my granddaughters who'd got stuck for ages before a very nasty forceps delivery. A couple of sessions with the paediatric osteopath sorted her out beautifully.
Another suggestion - one of mine was a terrible screamer, so I'd put her in her cot, go downstairs and put the radio on loudly for 5 minutes to block out the noise. Then I'd go back to her, say nothing and lay her gently down again. Then back to the radio. And kept doing it. Always putting her down gently, never cuddling her and never speaking. Took a few nights and never a problem after that. It was my mother's advice - one of my brothers screamed so loudly at one point that the neighbours arrived to see what was going on. Neither he or my daughter grew up traumatised by this - but if my daughter had been allowed to disrupt my evenings and nights, I'd have been an extremely traumatised mum!

There is a lady called Hannah love Costello on Facebook, she does a sort of gentle sleep training, it saved my bacon with DS. I think her group is sleep well with Hannah

Sleep train sleep train sleep train!! In the nicest way possible if your husband doesn’t want to let her cry it out, he should be dealing with her!! We had one of these too, as soon as we rigidly sleep trained & enforced every nap at the same time, leaving him, he was a dream

hi OP,

how many times a day can you get her down for her naps and how long do they last?

also do you have a rough idea on her wake windows?

@fedupnow2 take baby to an osteopath. Mine didn’t sleep until we saw the osteopath. I’d drive round for hours.

Sleep train!

My DD would not be sleeping if we didnt do CIO. She is a great sleeper now and we got her into a routine from 4-5 months old. We are all happier for it.

Also, sitting by my DD cot worked her up more than leaving her to cry for a bit.

Could it be silent reflux? I know my 2nd baby had the most horrendous reflux, he would sick up every bottle and was awake multiple times a night in pain from the reflux as he was lying flat. We would spend hours sat next to his cot trying to settle him, eventually he would wear himself out. He didn't sleep through until he turned 3 🙈 however once we realised reflux was the issue we could try things to make him easier to settle/sleep more comfortably. I know silent reflux usually has no spit up just more of the painful reflux of stomach acid, which maybe the cause of the thrashing about etc when trying to settle her.

I do totally sympathetic, its really hard when your not getting a break, plus the guilt of taking time away from your other child. I hope things get better for you soon x

Oh OP, having a non sleeping baby is the absolute hardest! Mine has been an awful sleeper too and finally started sleeping through the night at 3.5 years old.

My DD would take up to 2 hours to fall asleep for a 20 min nap, I remember around 8 months old being very very hard. Ultimately we had to sleep train her to self sooth to fall asleep as rocking and shushing for up to 1 hours didn’t work for anyone. She’s won’t remember and she’s already crying so much by nothing falling asleep. It’s not cruel and will help.

Lucy Wolfe Sleep on instagram is also brilliant and will answer questions and you can also get in depth help if you pay (she’s a sleep constant and has a book).

@theleafandnotthetree what a wonderful thing to say. Thank you! I have to say it is an absolute privilege to be a Nana. My grandaughter and I share a very special bond, but it is thanks to my daughter who ensures I am part of their world. My Son-in-Law sadly lost his Mum who was just aged 41, when he was 18, so I vowed on her passing, I would treat him like my son. They are my world.

There are a few hilarious anecdotes from the entire thing - me dozing off, waking up HOURS later on the second night, scooting along the landing to her room and doing the whole "stroking cheek" DO NOT WAKE A SLEEPING BABY thing, but nevertheless heart stopping moment, to discover, yep, she is in a deep sleep (I could hardly believe it myself, thinking IT WORKED, who knew?!) .....me announcing after the first night, by messenger "I am dead. You have killed Nana"; me in the adjacent room, lying on the bed counting to 60 (seconds) and trying not to dose off. We laugh about it now, but I was very troubled with the impact of the sleep deprivation on them and having an overwhelming need to fix it xx

Just Chill Sleep Baby do downloadable online courses that aren’t too pricey but I found it really good (although mine was a few months older). I don’t like cry it out but this was just a gentle alternative. There was a little bit of leaving but for a minute or two max so it never felt mean. And it gave an even more gentle alternative too with no leaving, if that was your preference. I think they have some free material too. I feel for you, there’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture!

This sounds absolutely awful. Have you taken baby to a GP?
I had a very similar baby, she cried for hours and hours. Eventually diagnosed with cows milk allergy and silent reflux- so much better from there on.

This. Just get on with your daily life. 8 months was very tough for me. I did no nap routine or anything like that and life got easier. 5 hours trying to get them to sleep sounds like hard work. I Co slept for months 10-12 most nights. Then he just started sleeping through. Now he's 16 months and since one he goes in his cot at 7 and wakes up at 6.30. I hope it gets easier for you x

OK my advice might be weird idk, but my youngest is 13 months and just finally over this.... I could try for hourd to get her to sleep and she wouldn't have any of it ... but I notice one day while I was in a friend's house having coffee (baby was in pram and wide awake) we were chatting away and I was actually saying how she never naps and then I look down at her and she was actually asleep! And slept for good 90 minutes while me and my friend were talking, didn't wake up until I was ready to leave.
Same thing happened a few days later, I'd given up on a nap and brought her back into the playroom and she was full of beans, my mum rang and I was chatting away on the phone and when I looked over at her she was passed out asleep on her play mat.
My mum told me it wasn't all that strange since me and my older sister would only nap when she put us sitting in front of the washing machine, my younger sister would only nap when the tv or radio was on in the background and my little brother always slept when Queen's greatest hits playing 😅 her theory was some baby's a wee nosey bums that don't want to miss the action and by having noise/music/voices in the background they feel like their in the thick of it and soundly dose off listening to all the "gossip" ... now when nap time rolls around I pop her in the crib and watch videos on my phone, she sits up and has a nosey over the cot bars for a few minutes before head starts to nod and away to sleep she goes.

Absolutely no idea if this would work for anyone else or if the babies in my family are just weird.. but you could try it, nothing to loose really 🤷🏼‍♀️