Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

Tell husband to pop out whilst you do sleep training.

It really works. May take a week but after that will make life easier.

My first child was just like this so I didn’t bother with any daytime naps unless I napped with her on the sofa which was the only way she would sleep. Sleep training worked, took some time but worth it. I sometimes left her to cry by herself to save my sanity, making sure she was safe and had everything she needed. Two more children followed and they didn’t sleep well either. It’s hard work and you have my sympathy. I found that they just wanted to know that they weren’t alone and picking them up in the middle of the night and then returning them to their cots after a cuddle usually did the trick. The eldest is now an adult and still quite demanding emotionally 😊

Sorry if already mentioned, but have you had her checked for silent reflux? Ours was like this until we figured it out, medication & better bottles made a big difference!

Omg it must be awful, our little dragon 11m sleeps generally for 2 hours at a time. I stopped trying to get him to sleep at about 4months. If he looks tired, we try for 15-30 mins to sleep and if he gets beans again we carry on our day. Trying to get him to nap seemed pointless. He always naps on the sofa...more tricky now he's older but very carefully monitored and safe. He might sleep for 3 hours or more if I let him, but I cap it at 2.5 hours or earlier if we've got a class. If he's not showing signs of sleepy by 10pm we all go to bed and generally he will settle for a couple of hours. PJs seem to be his sleep inducer but he needs sewn in feet, so we put Pj's on last minute.

So no real advice from me, though consider allergies and reflux but solidarity, do what you have to survive, pay people if u can, night sitters are allowed.

I have a chronic pain disorder and behave the same (even the crying when it's really bad) when trying to sleep, have you ruled out a medical issue?

I agree with this. Of course you love your baby but the exhaustion can never be understood by someone who has never been through it. I remember being so tired that I experienced hallucinations and didn’t know where I was whilst holding my baby. It can actually feel like you’re going mad, never mind the constant crying and that wasn’t just the baby.

If you can afford it, pay a couple of hundred quid for a sleep specialist. Sounds ridiculous to some but they work complete miracles, I had 3 kids under 3 at one point and my youngest would not sleep at ALL. We were all miserable and completely existing in survival mode. I paid £250 for a sleep specialist and she worked wonders. It was the best money I’ve ever spent 😂

This worked for us. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp/0091948096/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=JP3VP8YB3P2D&keywords=solve+your+child%27s+sleep+problem&qid=1690220409&sprefix=solve+your+childs+sleep+probem%2Caps%2C81&sr=8-1#immersive-view_1690220424659 Baby was 9 months. DC 1 First night we implemented it, she cried for 30 mins with us reassuring her every 5 mins. Then slept through. 2nd night she cried for 15 mins. 3rd night she was asleep after 5 mins of crying. Thereafter she slept through. The secret was to put her down awake without anything like a comforter which if she lost, she couldn’t get back to sleep without. Reading the whole book and understanding sleep really helped. In the meantime, can you and your husband take turn about at night - one with the baby, another with earplugs in a separate room? At least one of you will sleep. Also, prioritise DS 1. Baby will remember none of this. Your son will feel the lack of attention much more acutely. If you are at the very end of your tether, tell your GP, health visitor or midwife. Sleep deprivation over a long time is a scary thing. Good luck. 💐

Tell DH to sod off... time for sleep training, before you throw that baby out a window!

Kidding obviously, but seriously it's better to walk away and leave them in a safe place than to get so frustrated that you might do something careless. Just because "he feels bad" you're letting this affect you both and your older child in such a negative way.

I totally understand how hard this is. My eldest son (now 19) was the same. When he was 9 months I bought a book called The Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg. It just worked. I cannot recommend it enough. Within 2 weeks he was sleeping at night. I tried it in the daytime first when I had more will power to see it though. Hope it gets better for you soon 💐

Have you looked into any medical issues which might be making sleep difficult for her? Reflux?

Sleep training will not work on a reflux baby if the symptoms are not managed.

I can empathise OP, our DS2 was like this, it was just relentless, I also had a toddler under two, it was such a tough time, I have never forgotten it. Could a family member come to stay, someone that will help you? And give you and DH a break? Or could you come home for a break and a change of scenery? It’s honestly about survival until baby grows out of it. Which she will, it just takes a little time. It was a total shock for us, our first DS was a very contented, relaxed baby, DS2 was the exact opposite, and the reason why a third was totally off the cards. Good luck OP, I hope the situation improves very soon.

I would suggest the health visitor or GP if you’ve tried lots of things. Just to double check there’s nothing hidden like glue ear ect. I also had a child like this and he turned out to be autistic, nothing on gods green earth would settle him down. At the very least you could seek support for yourself.

My second only napped in the car, never anywhere else so I’d aim for trips out around 40mins away so they’d get the nap there/back.
We also did gradual sleep training - where you slowly leave them for longer, reassuring after a longer time each time until they fall asleep. Assuming all is medically well, they are fed, winded etc they need at some point to learn to go to sleep on their own and you all need to break this cycle.

check out Calm and Bright sleep support on Instagram

Sending hugs OP, it's relentless and I feel your pain. My second was a terrible sleeper and I lost my mind trying to get him to nap. My only advice would be to let go of trying to get her to nap, she'll feed off your anxiety and stress and it'll make it worse. Easily said than done I know but just do what you have to do, put your son to bed etc carrying her if need be. If your distracted and not trying so hard to get her to sleep she may relax a bit to. Have you tried a dummy /pacifier? It worked for my son and just helped sooth / relax him enough to help him sleep. I'd also try and spend more of the 3 hours you do have free getting some more sleep. You'll feel better if you've slept a bit. Lastly I'd try get some help from a specialist. It's something we didn't do and wished we had. Sometimes sharing the problem can help in itself and give you some hope. Your doing amazingly well, don't beat yourself up, some babies just do not nap well and it takes every ounce of strength to get through it, but get through it you will. Xx

I was going to suggest this. My friend's son sounded similar but after a few sessions over a period of time, worked wonders.

Two of you fussing isn't working.shes going to cry regardless.so one of you go and do bedtime with your 5 yo. Listen to an audio tape together with split headphones to drown out the noise.

Then come down and take over.

My dd as a baby would get really overtired, but in our case she wasn’t really a crier, she just got more hyper and couldn’t drift off to sleep.
She slept in with me and nights were ok once she finally did sleep, just that she would be awake late into the evening if she got overtired. She had some cranial osteopathy at the children’s osteopathic centre in London and it really helped.
She is still prone to getting overtired though, even though she is now at university!

Whose permission are you waiting for? You have mine - go and sleep train.

My child was the same, she screamed all night ( never slept) and talked all day once she could talk! I was so exhausted it felt like my brain used to shake in my skull from extreme tiredness. It all changed when she got older. She grew up into a lovely child that was so considerate and grew into an amazing adult. No worries at all. She’s married with a child of her own and she’s brilliant with him

Sounds like us, Dh had a high intensity job, long hours but took over nights because I was dying. Sleep trained at 11 months, first few nights were horrible but ok after that. It did help a lot.

Sorry if this has been mentioned, I haven't rtft but have you tried swaddling?

I was still swaddling my son at this age as he fidgets badly and it would stop him sleeping. He's now a 12yo with a restless legs diagnosis, I can't say it's connected to his infant sleep issues but even now he can't sleep without rolling around and kicking about. Takes him at least 2 hours to fall asleep.

My little brother was like this, when Mum and Dad changed his feed (formula, we all were formula fed) to what I'd had, rather than what the professionals had recommended, he was fine. Might feed be a factor?

I was the same as your husband until our second child who was similar to your 8mo. Calm & Bright Sleep Support saved out sanity. Great Instagram page. Very gentle, loving sleep training. I wish we'd done it sooner and did it with our 3rd from 6 months. I wish we'd done it with our first! Good luck x