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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I seem to have backed myself in to a corner...

416 replies

largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:32

I am collecting my friends ds for her from school every day and on a Friday every other week he stays for tea until 630-7. She has asked me to keep him overnight, i have made excuses so far.

She is a child minder and has taken on a little girl that goes to another school to her ds. This means she is not able to do 2 school runs at once. The situation should be temporary as the little girl is on a waiting list for the same school as her ds attends.

I collect my ds and her's at the same time, 3pm. I then sit in my car with them (and my 2 younger children age 3 and 9 months) and wait for the twins to come out from the junior school. I get home the children shoot upstairs with a snack (starving after school) and play\fight\drive me insane.

She arrives about 445ish, i then have to invite her in and chat while i am busy doing lunchboxes etc... and she yells for her ds to get his shoes on, pick his stuff up.

The Friday situation is because she drives over to Surrey to take her mum and Nan shopping. Neither can drive and her Nan is quite poorly.

This has been going on since the children went back to school after Xmas. She mentioned at the time we started this that she would pay me, particularly for the Friday. It has never been mentioned again.

I know he is not in the house for a long time and i do the run anyway but i am just a bit miffed that she is getting paid to have this little girl and i have her ds for nothing.

It is becoming an issue as my dh really does not like the situation at all. He is not really fond of her ds as he causes extra fights between the children and a HUGE issue for us is he does not eat! We always try to plan tea time to be very child friendly if we have him, chicken nuggets, chips and veg. Mine think it is Xmas as we are so careful with their diet food like that is treat. We also always make sure the children eat everything on their plate before pudding. He never does and moans as soon as he sits down at the table Pushing his food around and looking like we are torturing him.

He is never happy to be picked up after school and clearly dislikes the way we parent.

I would have to stand next to her everyday at school, i see her most mornings too.

What have i done!!! How do i change it? DH is threatening to speak to her as he is so annoyed with it all. Gah!

Apologies for length of whinge

OP posts:
Mrsjaffabiffa · 28/02/2008 11:32

Mean....... PMSL...... You? Impossible!!

Well done I know that wasn't easy for you. xx

cameroonmama · 28/02/2008 11:36

Well done you

I would just like to confirm here that I have met this lovely lady and she is:

a)far too generous by half
b)have 6 gorge children
c)indeed a yummy mummy
d)the world's best baker
e)her dh really does have a sword

Now..... can we talk about that offer you made a while back to look after my dc

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 11:42

Awwww Cam and MrsJB you are lovely. I do feel better (even though she has STILL not replied )

I am having a mass meet up at mine in April, who is coming?

Will bake a bounty cake and a malteser one, may need to include Gingerbread for awol friend (if she is lurking shame on you ) Chocolate for Cam isnt it? Except she wont be coming this time as she has deserted us for expat life in Nairobi

OP posts:
jellies · 28/02/2008 11:42

WELL DONE
As you say if she cuts you off its no big loss.. it doesn't sound like your friendship is a two way street!
If shes mean you could always resort to the pants and socks thing?

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 11:47

Do you know Jellies i though of that this morning, couldnt find any socks to match my pants so HAD to wear matching pants and bra

OP posts:
JaneHH · 28/02/2008 11:52

I think she's realised the error of her ways and doesn't dare ring YOU!! HA, there's a turn-up for the books, eh?

Gives you even more time to plan, write down and practise out loud answers to all her possible reactions...

bobblehat · 28/02/2008 11:55

I've just found this thread and read all the way through it. Just wanted to say well done really.

I'm like you and hate any form of confrontation. I actually work on a complaints phone line, despite this and the fact I loath talking on the phone, and I'll faff for ages before calling a cusotmer to try and 'reason' with them, but when it's done, no matter how nasty they've been, if I've held my own with them, I always feel well chuffed (think it's only me that uses that expression anymore!)

You know you've done the right thing and just look forward to all your family Fridays to come!

Squirdle · 28/02/2008 12:00

Hi LargeG&T,

Right I haven't read all messages, just kinda skimmed, but listen to me! You have 6 children (and in my eyes you must be either a saint or mad ), an ill child, other ill children over the past 5 weeks, an ill DH (who was probably the worst patient of the lot ) and this woman is still expecting you to collect her child and care for him!! Does she think you are superwoman!! (Well you probably are but that's beside the point)

I know from experience that the time between collecting the children from school up until bedtime is manic and I only have 3. I occasionally have my neighbours 2 for an hour or so after school (once every 6 weeks or so) and I find that hectic.

Good for you for sending the text. I'm quite cross for you that she hasn't replied.

I am very much like you in that I don't like to upset people ie my neighbour when she asks but I have learnt now to say no if I don't want to do it/can't do it. I used to have a friend, when my eldest was young who was a single parent and chose to send her children to a school which was a good half an hour walk away. A lot of the time she would call asking me to collect her children and take them to school/bring them home and stupid me did it even though it was totally out of my way. I have hardened now and will do it for people in emergencies (for instance I am taking a freinds son to schol with us tomorrow as she has to work unexpectedly) but I have also learnt to ask for favours myself, without being cheeky about it.

I am waffling now...I guess what I am trying to say is, that it's fine to help a friend out, but this woman is taking advantage. Friends are there to help and support but I bet she has never had your children for you.

Right I am going to shut up now.

Ooh BTW I live in Winchester so not too far from you. Mind you my only experience of Portsmouth is taking DS1 to the Orthodontist and getting lost

Anyway, stick to your guns and if she gets funny about it then she isn't much of a friend anyway.

miku · 28/02/2008 12:03

have read all this thread too, and wow,what a lovely lady you are!
well done on telling the user lady that it has to stop.
another way of looking at it is that you are teaching HER how to behave, she has no choice now but to reflect on her behaviour.
you are so totally giving, and shes taken advantage of you.
i feel so sorry for her son.....doesnt sound like shes giving him much love does it?

geordiemacminx · 28/02/2008 12:03

Sooooooooooooooo pleased that this is sorted (fingers crossed emoticon)

On a seperate note - can you please please please point me in the direction of the bounty and malteaser cake receipes?

LilRedWG · 28/02/2008 12:05

Well done LG&T!!!! I hope she's not too evil later, but just remember that you are right and she is wrong!

Off to look at photos of your gorgeous ones now.

LilRedWG · 28/02/2008 12:08

Wow! What a gorgeous family!! You are all beautiful!

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 12:12

So Squirdle you can come then? Only a little way down the road, i will give you directions

Geordie they are from the Nigella Feast book i think. Will post the recipie if you cant google it. Just let me know! They are worth it, yum!

Still no reply Am thinking she is cross ans saving it all for a fight later. I so hope not >

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 28/02/2008 12:12

oh my god

you are a whipper snapper of a young thing and you have 6 kids?!!!

Wow.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 12:13

Thanks Lilred

OP posts:
Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 12:14

I just crammed em in Belly I also cheated really having twins first.

I want twins again next time, 2 for the price of 1 as it were

OP posts:
Squirdle · 28/02/2008 12:15

Come where? What have I agreed to? I have plastic swords and a water pistol if it's back up you need

Baffy · 28/02/2008 12:15

Well done!

Hope it goes well later.

(I think you did the right thing. And fwiw, in your situation I'd have probably texted too!)

JaneHH · 28/02/2008 12:17

LG&T if she hasn't replied yet than either she hasn't got her phone or she's ignoring you. I think GET ON THAT PHONE TO HER NOW while you've got the upper hand! She's trying to ignore the situation and you've got all those reasons written out (and half of Mumsnet behind you, remember) and are raring to go still.

If you get voicemail then leave a stern message without an inch of apology/sorry/maybe and just say you want to discuss something with her. (Or did you say in your text that you wanted to discuss IT with her? Whatever it was: repeat what you said in your text). She knows you mean business and aren't backing out, then.

And come back and let us know how THAT went

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 12:17

I am having a meet at my house in April. Mostly May postnatal thread ladies but you are all very welcome.

Flippin Jane and Fink are blimmin miles away so cant come. I may hook up web cams though, i did at the last meet. My friend (MrsJB) lives in France so we web cammed so she could join in This time she is actually comming in person

OP posts:
Squirdle · 28/02/2008 12:20

Ah I see! Ooh I would love to come! I will be there 2 hours late though because I will get lost

I can still bring me water pistol beforehand though if you need it

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 12:21

Excellent Sqirdle, email me on the i above.

OP posts:
Mrsjaffabiffa · 28/02/2008 12:22

I'll be there lg&t in April..... but then you already know that.

juliewoolie · 28/02/2008 12:22

Bloody well done LG&T. Now have been a bit slovenly this morning and only just logged on am I too late for cake?

Stick to your guns if she is mean this arvo.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 12:24
OP posts: