Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I seem to have backed myself in to a corner...

416 replies

largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:32

I am collecting my friends ds for her from school every day and on a Friday every other week he stays for tea until 630-7. She has asked me to keep him overnight, i have made excuses so far.

She is a child minder and has taken on a little girl that goes to another school to her ds. This means she is not able to do 2 school runs at once. The situation should be temporary as the little girl is on a waiting list for the same school as her ds attends.

I collect my ds and her's at the same time, 3pm. I then sit in my car with them (and my 2 younger children age 3 and 9 months) and wait for the twins to come out from the junior school. I get home the children shoot upstairs with a snack (starving after school) and play\fight\drive me insane.

She arrives about 445ish, i then have to invite her in and chat while i am busy doing lunchboxes etc... and she yells for her ds to get his shoes on, pick his stuff up.

The Friday situation is because she drives over to Surrey to take her mum and Nan shopping. Neither can drive and her Nan is quite poorly.

This has been going on since the children went back to school after Xmas. She mentioned at the time we started this that she would pay me, particularly for the Friday. It has never been mentioned again.

I know he is not in the house for a long time and i do the run anyway but i am just a bit miffed that she is getting paid to have this little girl and i have her ds for nothing.

It is becoming an issue as my dh really does not like the situation at all. He is not really fond of her ds as he causes extra fights between the children and a HUGE issue for us is he does not eat! We always try to plan tea time to be very child friendly if we have him, chicken nuggets, chips and veg. Mine think it is Xmas as we are so careful with their diet food like that is treat. We also always make sure the children eat everything on their plate before pudding. He never does and moans as soon as he sits down at the table Pushing his food around and looking like we are torturing him.

He is never happy to be picked up after school and clearly dislikes the way we parent.

I would have to stand next to her everyday at school, i see her most mornings too.

What have i done!!! How do i change it? DH is threatening to speak to her as he is so annoyed with it all. Gah!

Apologies for length of whinge

OP posts:
kitbit · 28/02/2008 10:38

ooh x posts...well done for the text! You have been direct and have set out your position really clearly, so don't lose that ground when you speak to her later!
Don't be tempted to back down and offer compromise even if she asks you if you could just continue a little longer while she sorts herself out as you will be back to square 1.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 10:38

Have heard nothing back, she may hate me. Shall i keep spear on for after school meet in case. Oh good lord i feel all bleurgh. Wish she would respond, maybe she is sat seething.

OP posts:
kitbit · 28/02/2008 10:39

ooh just seen the PS on your text, OK, that's quite enough compromise missy!!!

JaneHH · 28/02/2008 10:39

Well done LG&T, we all knew you had it in you!

Now I really must do some work but will be back in a flash if I suspect there has been a return text...... keep us posted!

morre · 28/02/2008 10:39

Now you have to stand and stick by it, don't let her change your mind even if she hasn't found an alternative solution by the end of next week! She is the childminder and needs to give weeks notice, not YOU!!!
Waiting for her REPLY!!!

AMumInScotland · 28/02/2008 10:41

If she does hate you, it's because she's an arse.

Kimi · 28/02/2008 10:43

Large gin and tonics all round to celebrate then

PotPourri · 28/02/2008 10:44

Good for you. You can stop worrying now. Let us know if she replies. Next step is when you next see her in person. but the hard bit is done. It;s not for discussion, just a matter of fact. If she gets all nasty, then rise above it. You were in the right, and you have your life back.

BumperliciousNeedsaGlassofWine · 28/02/2008 10:44

She has nothing to seethe about!

NorthernLurker · 28/02/2008 10:45

Ok - well first of all you are outstandingly lovely and kind and your children are beautiful!

Secondly - there is nothing critical of this woman that I could say that hasn't been said already - but I won't let that stop me

What an unpleasant person she seems. Taking gross advantage of your sweet nature - literally making money out of your kindness, causing trouble between you and your dh and asking you to take the child overnight! Why didn't she just get you to adopt him?

Actually - I think some praise of your dh is more than due too - sounds like he's been very patient.

Jolly well done for the text - now stand firm - and whatever you do don't take the child home after you've said you won't - if she doesn't turn up ( and I suspect she may be 'late' to force your hand) then it's her problem and the schools.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 10:45

I love you lot, wish i could send flowers to you all

Would never have had enough courage to do anything without all your help.

Thank you, will keep younposted as soon as i hear anything.

I jsu have a horrible feeling she will not send anything and just be all short and horrid when i see her later. Gah!

I will be sooo careful in the future what i agree to.

OP posts:
kitbit · 28/02/2008 10:48

Yes, what clam said!
Another good assertiveness technique - people hate silences and always try to fill them. If you feel pushed or she is trying to get you to agree to something and you want an alternative to the repeat idea, just keep quiet and look thoughtful. Say NOTHING. The silence will be tense but keep it up and don't be tempted to jump in and say something to break it, let her speak first. Works a treat.
Also works really well in negotiation - you make an offer and the other person responds. If you say totally nothing, the other person gets fidgety, usually repeats themselves and then before long probably ends up with"...or we could do..er...this" and makes a better offer.

dizzydixies · 28/02/2008 10:48

if she is short and horrid with you we'll arrive enmass to get her - you've done brillantly and should be very proud of youself

helenhismadwife · 28/02/2008 10:50

I have been lurking and reading the thread but have to say;

YAYYYYYyyyyyyyyy well done G&T, its not an easy thing to do,I dont think she will be horrible to you well not straight away, if she did that she would be on very dodgy ground you could turn round and say sort out your ds yourself.

If she is horrible to you just point out you have done her a huge favour and you doing this for her has meant that she has been able to work and get paid.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 10:51

thankyou you lovely lot

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 28/02/2008 10:53

I dare say she will be horrid - her gravy train has hit the buffers big time! Doesn't mean you aren't totally in the right.

To further stiffen your resolve - let me think - say 7 weeks childcare since Christmas. 4 days a week at £3 a day plus 1 day a week at £10 with £1.50 for tea. So that's 23.50 a week or £164.50 for the lot. I think that would be jolly cheap as well - I pay just over £7 per child per day for after school club (with work and sibling discounts) That's for 2 1/2 hours in a group setting. You're providing 1:1 (ok 6 and petrol etc and care after 6pm!

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 10:54

I feel all relieved now, phew!

I just keep thinking that if she does get cross is not very nice then i will have lost her as a friend but really that is no loss like PotPourri said earlier. I can do without her anyway.

Must go and let the chickens and the rabbit out Bless their neglected souls.

OP posts:
finknottle · 28/02/2008 10:57

Well done you Gins all round

Don't feel bad - she has used you and not given any thought to you or your children or to her son.
She is the one in the wrong and if your standing up to her is a slap in the face then so be it.
Tomorrow you won't feel as bad, next day even less and then you'll turn around and wonder why on earth you let it go on so long.

Do you really care if she hates you? Honest? A wee bit cos it's not pleasant admittedly but she did bring this on herself.
Looking after someone's child on a daily basis is more than helping out a friend - and a true friend would never have imposed like that.
She is an adult and a childminder - she should sort it out herself. What if the girl doesn't get the place? She shouldn't have taken her on in the first place.

AMumInScotland · 28/02/2008 11:02

Doesn't sound much of a loss really... she isn't a proper friend when she treats you this way. I second all the advice about not feeling you have to explain anything or fill up the gaps in the conversation - you've done her a huge favour up till now, but that doesn't mean it's now your responsibility to keep doing it, or feel bad about the fact that it is not convenient and you are going to stop. Giving her a few days to sort out other arrangements is plenty of "kindness", and if she's horrid about it you can take back that offer and stop straight away.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 11:07

I would not be too upset really, i can only handle her in small doses anyway. We just parent so differently and it was becoming an issue if we went out somewhere together. I was starting to 'say' things to her about how she was doing things and could see it was not really my place or any of my business.

She did ask for advice insessently though, she just chose to ignore it

I am pleased to be out of it, i kind of hope that she does cut our friendship off. Now i sound mean.

OP posts:
finknottle · 28/02/2008 11:13

Do Not Under Any Circumstances Agree To Extend The Arrangement.
No More Friday Meals.
No Guilt.

If she speaks to you about it, no apology. Statement of fact. Smile, firm, clench teeth.
She cannot run her childminding business off your back.

kitbit - lol at grassyarse.

LG&T: no wobbles now - enjoy the relief

Wisteria · 28/02/2008 11:17

Not read whole thread I'm afraid as I am on my way out but had to post as I could have written that myself

I have a friend who does this to me but am afraid that I have to take responsibility for not being assertive enough and allowing it to continue.....so no advice but lots of sympathy because I too, hate confrontation to the degree that I seem to spend my life 'doing' for others and not always seeing any benefit for myself.

Well done for your text - so brave.

AMumInScotland · 28/02/2008 11:17

You don't sound the slightest bit mean wanting to not be counted as her friend any more, when this is all she thinks your friendship is about. And people who ask for advice then ignore it are just wanting validation of what they're doing, not help in changing!

finknottle · 28/02/2008 11:22

Mean schmean.
You sound lovely.
You deserve a better friend than she is.

Keep us posted re the fallout.

finknottle · 28/02/2008 11:24

She's a leech, and v draining.
Chin up - you've done the right thing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread