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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

524 replies

Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 15:11

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

OP posts:
Bouncyball23 · 22/07/2023 17:07

Why hire hot tub disco and tent when that money could off been used for something she wanted? Either way its your own fault she's used to getting what she wants so 🤷

GardeningIdiot · 22/07/2023 17:08

RJ2023 · 22/07/2023 16:51

I tried my best but I can't read the wall of text in the original post. Very sorry.

No loss.

JMSA · 22/07/2023 17:09

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Very wise indeed!

latetothefisting · 22/07/2023 17:09

Flamingos89 · 22/07/2023 16:41

I agree what her friends thinks matters - but I think there does come a point when the kid just sounds abit spoilt and she has no concept of money.

Everyone seems to be abit obsessed in this feed about the Pandora- but not acknowledging how expensive it is to pay for driving lessons and then BUY HER A CAR?? That’s a huge present in my eyes and I’m abit surprised no one else thinks so. To ask for a phone any everything else on top of that is just excessive.

Also renting a hot tub ect… all adds up.

Sounds like OP put in a lot of effort.

Id be speaking to the grandparents about reigning in what they spend on her untill she is abit more grateful for everything she does get.

It doesn't matter how much something costs if it's not what you want or something you can't even use for another year!

A car would be a lovely present for her 17th birthday, or even better her 18th after she had passed her test.

The possibility of a car - (in another 18 months at the minimum by the time she's old enough to learn, has had enough lessons, which she can't even start for another year, and passed her test - remember there's currently a huge backlog not to mention the mum could could change her mind at any point) is a shit present for now.

Whereas the iphone she wanted would probably have cost less than all the random crap her mum actually got, and would be a useful gift that she could get use out of every single day for at least the next 2 years.

renamedbutsame · 22/07/2023 17:10

Just say to her what you have to say and in two years time she can do life as she wants in all her areas of life

Anyport · 22/07/2023 17:10

There is light on the horizon, its just so small that you can't see it yet.🤔🙄

Sweetashunni · 22/07/2023 17:10

IveHadItUpToHere · 22/07/2023 17:03

Don't be. It's fairly common for young carers and/or those growing up in abusive households that they can't afford the luxury of shit behaviour because it has big consequences.

Show quote history

Too right.

Now it’s just parents scared of their kids hoping they can buy their affection.

JudgeRudy · 22/07/2023 17:10

Wow! That's a huge amount however lm working class. I got a house party with a few school friends. My daughter got a sleepover with y friends and a bottle of Lambrusco between them. She did get a gift too. Son just got a gift. This is standard in my circles.
Does your daughter go to public school? If so is she the 'poor kid' because she doesn't own a horse and only has one house. Sounds like most of her expectations are from wanting to impress her peers. Do they really get so much more than her.
I've heard grown adults (25+) lamenting that their allowance has been cut and they might need to consider working!

NeedToBookAGetaway · 22/07/2023 17:10

If that was my 17 year old they wouldn't have had a party either!

She wants the stuff. She gets a job and earns it.

sadsack78 · 22/07/2023 17:11

Just read some more of your updates.

I have a lot of sympathy. You're trying everything.

She might have mental health issues, and it sounds like you've tried your best to investigate what's going on.

Is it possible to maybe arrange for you to have a meeting with your daughter and someone at the school to discuss her options? It might shock her into feeling like the future is real, if that makes sense.

Otherwise, I am just sorry you're in this position. When it comes to MH issues in kids, you can do everything right and still have a kid who is struggling.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 22/07/2023 17:12

TBh, I would let her go and live with the grandparents. It seems they are intent on spoiling her and I am assuming they don’t see the worst behaviour from her. Let them have her if they insist they are going to continue with the spoiling. Both her GP and your DD need to learn the consequences of her behaviour.

I think some time away from each other will do you both some good.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/07/2023 17:12

I wonder if her birthday is a trigger for her. Often for kids who've lost parents, their birthday can be a sad time.
I never behaved like this, but I struggle with my birthday still.

piedbeauty · 22/07/2023 17:13

I'd stop the money she gets every month and would not have made a fuss of her birthday.

What consequences have you put in place for her rudeness, having to come home early from your weekend away, behaving badly at school, and not doing any chores around the house?

She sounds insufferable and spoiled. The real world will be a massive shock to her.

Scatterbrainbox · 22/07/2023 17:15

Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 15:11

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

OAP what do her grandparents think of her behaviour? Are they aware?

1FootInTheRave · 22/07/2023 17:15

She is HORRIBLE.

PoshPineapple · 22/07/2023 17:16

She called you a fat cunt? And you're providing her with anything other than a bed and food.....?

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 17:17

sadsack78 · 22/07/2023 17:11

Just read some more of your updates.

I have a lot of sympathy. You're trying everything.

She might have mental health issues, and it sounds like you've tried your best to investigate what's going on.

Is it possible to maybe arrange for you to have a meeting with your daughter and someone at the school to discuss her options? It might shock her into feeling like the future is real, if that makes sense.

Otherwise, I am just sorry you're in this position. When it comes to MH issues in kids, you can do everything right and still have a kid who is struggling.

She has left school now. When she had counselling at school they stopped after a while as they said she just used it to chat about what she’s was doing socially etc. She also had private counselling and referral to CHALMs who discharged her basically saying nothing they can do. I honestly feel like I’ve explored every option and now just have to hope I’ve drummed enough sense into her to go out into the big wide world and make her own mistakes.

OP posts:
PurpleSky300 · 22/07/2023 17:18

Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 16:54

I tried grounding her for a month when I found the vapes. It was the most miserable month of all of our lives! The. Tried short sharp punishments, taking phone and grounding for 1-2 days. Made a behaviour contract. Tried rewards. Tried counselling which she’s had since primary, tried family counselling. Had several meetings with school & grandparents. Referred myself to the local council for early help who were amazing! We did joint sessions and she did sessions on her own one of which was a 6 week intense group course discussing the dangers of vaping amongst other things. Have given her numbers to call to talk about her feelings incase she felt she couldn’t open up to us. Have had days out just us spending quality time. Have had her to GP several times to check iron levels etc as always grumpy/ tired. Have pushed school to test for SEN needs, she did get diagnosed with dyslexia in her final year but no sign of anything else. Have broken down and cried to her. Have hugged her and told her how much I love her. Have done charity events with her in memory of her dad. Every day I show up and do my best even after her calling me a fat cunt and telling me to kill myself. I read in a parenting book recently that even after trying all these things, if your teen doesn’t conform to authority, there’s nothing you can do but wait it out. This is the stage I’m at now. Just trying my best and hoping my little girl will come back to me!

Show quote history

Wow, OP. This sounds entrenched, and it’s sad that counselling hasn’t helped. ‘Waiting it out’ isn’t the best tactic really because the older she gets, the harder it becomes to go back and fix some of these things (eg. if she needed to resit GCSEs and so on) and if she can’t ‘cope’ with authority then she has no prospect of finding a job.

In terms of the vaping and drinking, though – somebody else must be paying for that, right, because she’s still in school? So those are the first things that stop immediately. If someone else is buying it for her, find out who and stop that as well. Boyfriend sleeping over – either put a stop to that or make sure that she’s taking reliable contraception or you know the next problem you’ll have. Grandparents – speak plainly to them about this situation and ask them to put her ‘allowance’ into a fund for a car or a house deposit, no more hair and nails.

The behaviour will take a lot longer but you have to start somewhere. Telling your own mother to kill herself is unbelievable, I would stop any kind of reward at all until that talk ceased and then I would go back to the counselling options to get to the root of this. She sounds really deeply angry and unhappy and is taking it out on you.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 17:18

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/07/2023 17:12

I wonder if her birthday is a trigger for her. Often for kids who've lost parents, their birthday can be a sad time.
I never behaved like this, but I struggle with my birthday still.

This is interesting maybe!

OP posts:
Tophy124 · 22/07/2023 17:18

I hate pandora, sorry OP. I think the charm bracelets are horrid and they aren’t popular with teens anymore so I understand why she is disappointed if that is her main gift. Also sounds like the weekend away was cut short too. I’d be looking into the WHY behind her behaviour and trying to get her more support tbh. Your odor is almost writing her off as a lost cause and it’s really sad she didn’t get to attend prom and you think she is going to make much of herself after school. This is really, really sad. This whole thread mostly feels like a bitch session about a 16 year old without many wondering why she is acting like this. Her Dad dying at 9 doesn’t mean it isn’t significantly impacting her now.

ididntwanttodoit · 22/07/2023 17:20

she gave you a list. you ignored it. frankly, I wouldn't thank you for a pandora bracelet either. sounds like the real problem is you're just not listening to her.

Tophy124 · 22/07/2023 17:20

It’s devastating she didn’t get a dyslexia diagnosis until her final year of school. No wonder she was badly behaved at school.

Boatshoes · 22/07/2023 17:21

Oh dear. She sounds like a real brat. Sorry op, but she sounds very ungrateful and untitled. Do not continue to allow yourself or her grandparents to continue to fund her very selfish lifestyle. She needs to get a job and start paying her own way.

TitoMojito · 22/07/2023 17:22

What a shame that MTV aren't still making My Super Sweet Sixteen. Sounds like a great episode.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 17:23

PurpleSky300 · 22/07/2023 17:18

Wow, OP. This sounds entrenched, and it’s sad that counselling hasn’t helped. ‘Waiting it out’ isn’t the best tactic really because the older she gets, the harder it becomes to go back and fix some of these things (eg. if she needed to resit GCSEs and so on) and if she can’t ‘cope’ with authority then she has no prospect of finding a job.

In terms of the vaping and drinking, though – somebody else must be paying for that, right, because she’s still in school? So those are the first things that stop immediately. If someone else is buying it for her, find out who and stop that as well. Boyfriend sleeping over – either put a stop to that or make sure that she’s taking reliable contraception or you know the next problem you’ll have. Grandparents – speak plainly to them about this situation and ask them to put her ‘allowance’ into a fund for a car or a house deposit, no more hair and nails.

The behaviour will take a lot longer but you have to start somewhere. Telling your own mother to kill herself is unbelievable, I would stop any kind of reward at all until that talk ceased and then I would go back to the counselling options to get to the root of this. She sounds really deeply angry and unhappy and is taking it out on you.

Show quote history

Yes she may need to re sit, I’m kind of expecting that but hoping for the best. She has had a private tutor all through school, but the last couple of years refused to go any more!

she can get served with the vapes herself or buys them on the black market with birthday/ Xmas/ pocket money. I don’t give her money as such, as in I’ll buy her things she needs or clothes etc but don’t give her money every week. I actually helped get a shop near me closed down for selling to underage kids. I went round the local shops I knew served her and showed them her pic to tell them she’s underage!

she has the implant, had it for a year as totally agree! I could honestly see her getting pregnant as an excuse not to have to work or be in education. Honestly this is so far from what I’ve shown her as well!

OP posts: