To be furious with DH (toddler accident)

[user63696369]

I am probably ABU, but I'm so angry at DH for what happened last night. NC as I've posted about this elsewhere!

Yesterday evening I asked DH to watch 15 m/o DD while I did a few jobs after her dinner. I was in the utility room when I heard him swear, and came running out into the hallway just in time to see my DD bouncing down a flight of six solid mahogany stairs. She cried straightaway, but seemed okay, although obviously I took her to be checked out (which resulted in a very late night for all of us and I have an absolute tonne of work to do today and I could really do without being completely knackered). I did call 111 first but they didn't call back until around midnight and I didn't want to put her to bed without taking advice, so we were already at the hospital.

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable. He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs. I never leave doors open when I am watching her for this very reason - I also would have picked her up and relocated the items elsewhere while holding her. I'm always on at him about safety issues and I feel like he never takes me seriously. Well now I am left with the image of her bouncing down the stairs like a ragdoll and I am fucking fuming. She could have been killed or seriously injured.

AIBU to still be absolutely furious at him? He had a 9am meeting this morning but I let DD lie in as she was knackered and told him he could do the nursery drop, fill in the accident form and explain what happened - and if he was late for his meeting, that was his problem.

So as not to drip feed, I have diagnosed PTSD that arises from DD's health.

Going against the grain here I think YANBU. Because you know you would have taken extra precautions that he clearly didn’t, and that he didn’t even think to.

I noticed with my friends and in my family, accidents with children seem to happen much more when the baby is under the sole supervision of the male parent. It’s like they don’t bother to think through possible outcomes.

Without stair gates it was going to happen eventually. We used to live in a property which had four different stair gates on the stairs. Retractable ones, absolutely fine. Handyman came and did them easily (was easy to book it in with a local company).

Humans forget things, get distracted, by not having them it’s a risk as parents you took. Probably most of the time would of been fine but unfortunately not this time.

You shouldn’t use pressure gates at the top of stairs, you need them fixed into the wall. Pressure gates are ok for the bottom or doorways.

YABU.

All accidents are preventable in hindsight.

He wasn't neglecting her, just moving something away. And she's fine.

Sorry about your PTSD but I think it's getting the better of you in this case. Postnatal anxiety is a real thing and super horrible. You can get treatment for it x

Stairgates top and bottom and carpeted stairs. Time to teach her to go down backward safely too, my 16 month old twin grandsons have learnt to do this, although still need supervision. Accidents happen though especially without these obvious precautions. I expect DH feels pretty bad about it so maybe cut him some slack this time.

@tidalway she says diagnosed not treated. Doesn't sound like she's on anti anxiety meds as taking a 15 month old with no visible symptoms to A&E to be checked out after falling down 6 steps is an extremely anxious reaction. I understand it, having had postnatal anxiety myself. But objectively this seems to me to be quite an overreaction and I would gently suggest the OP needs some more support.

If he doesn’t put the gates up, you do it. My husband thought I was nuts for wanting gates at every doorway (we have doorways with no doors etc) and stair which meant 12 gates. Also got a lecture on how all his friends w kids didn’t put gates etc. I measured, bought them and put them up. He rolled his eyes but guess who hasn’t been to a&e due to a completely preventable accident.

Let’s see if all the “he’s to blame, he’s neglectful, you’re fine to be angry“ people will post on threads where a female op feels terrible as their child has had an accident. No they won’t, the posts on those threads will always be sympathetic “accidents happen”

Gosh, I think the OP is getting a really hard time! I would be equally angry at what happened. I don’t see this as an accident in the way that other posters seem to. This was carelessness on the husband’s part and the outcome was predictable. I think OP is frustrated by having all the mental load which is understandable whilst her husband leaves her to it. I would be having a serious talk about this with my husband once everyone is over the shock of the fall.

If your dh does not look after your dd by himself 80% of the time, maybe he is just less well practised than you at spotting the risks and deciding how to tackle a particular task (ie. letting her toddle around while he picked stuff up, rather than picking her up and carrying her while picking stuff up), @user63696369. This isn't a moral failing on his part - it's just life - the person who does something the most will generally be better at it than the person who doesn't do it often.

It's not safety related, I know, but dh always used to be less good than me at soothing the dses when they were babies - simply because I was at home with them, so I did it more often.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset by what happened - but it did happen, and it was an accident. They are called accidents because they are not done on purpose. And your dd was not hurt and will be back to her normal, happy self soon, if she isn't already.

I do wonder if your dh is also shocked and upset at what happened, but isn't as good at expressing it - or feels that he can't show his feelings (because the culture of toxic masculinity is making him feel that way).

I think you need to sit down together and discuss calmly what happened, and how to prevent it happening again. Maybe you need to acknowledge to him that accidents happen, and you know he didn't do it on purpose (if you haven't already). It's worth remembering that, as she gets bigger and more mobile, your countermeasures will have to evolve with her. So while it's easy enough now to carry her under one arm whilst picking up things from the floor, that won't always be the case, so you need new tactics - like involving her in the picking-up, so she stays with you (or dh) whilst you or he do the task.

I’m with you on this op.

I had post natal anxiety with both my dc but with the clarity of time, distance and less hormones surging around, I can also see that my anxiety was massively exacerbated by being around clueless adults.

My dc had minor accidents in the care of their preschool teacher and gps, who were both competent, and sensible people. These were accidents I could take in my stride. And they had accidents in my care too.

But people were leaving the door open to the swimming pool, leaving power tools strewn about, walking away from a hot iron with a cord dangling, leaving a toddler alone in the kitchen with a frying pan, or in a living room with an open fire and no fire guard. And pressuring me to let them have the dc overnight. I came home from a few hours out and took one of them to a&e with a dislocated elbow. The “responsible adult” just thought she was whinging a lot.

But yeah, I was the one with anxiety.

The same people have all been wonderful with my dc as the dc got older and wiser and I appreciate having them in their lives. But some people are fuckwits with babies.

Failing to close a door or pick up the child whilst putting something back on a shelf really isn't neglect. If he was texting or watching TV or something then I'd think OP had a point. He at best, failed to forsee something that could go wrong which isn't such an awful crime. Things happen all the time I haven't forseen because I can't see the future.

Accidents happen but the thing that stood out from your posts was "I" "obviously" had to take her to get checked out. Combined with your assertion that you do 98% of the thinking. We would have taken her together, especially late at night. If he did go with you, why is your brain saying "I" instead of "we"?

Re stairgates we secured doors high up and/or had difficult door handles DD couldn't work instead, most of the time. The point is are you on the same page? It sounds like you are far from this, and battle weary from the fight.

I would recommend a big listing out and pooling of mental load tasks. He will probably think some of the things you mention are unnecessary. Listen to him on this - he may have some good ideas and shortcuts, or be able to identify or break down any tasks that have sprung from anxiety rather than necessity. But also hopefully there will be a massive adjustment on his part and he will take on more responsibility. I am still the mental load person in our house but my husband is the grafter - he does boring, time consuming, repetitive jobs that don't need much thinking like tidying the kitchen after dinner. Crucially he needs daily responsibilities, not just putting bins out/cutting the lawn. It is not ideal I know, but it is way better than me doing everything which can so easily happen.

There was nothing wrong with getting DH to sort everything out this morning but you definitely are being harsh on him. It's time to let it go.

fill in the accident form and explain what happened

Nursery accident forms are for accidents that happen at nursery. He shouldn't have anything to fill in, that would be weird.

Blaming your DH to this level, trying to teach him a lesson and if he's late then tough is going to poison your relationship. You clearly parent MUCH better than he does in your opinion and it'll lead to resentment on both parts and him stepping back because he can't take the criticism anymore. Your disdain for him and his family in your posts isn't even that thinly veiled so I imagine it's abundantly clear to him.

I agree with this. Makes me wonder why some women stay with these men. If he's as useless as the OPs post say he is, and she's so tired, stressed with 98% mental load - split up surely?

Or, accept accidents happen, he didn't neglect his daughter, he didn't intend for this to happen, and she's absolutely fine. Move on.

Wow. Nastiest comment on here.

Two friends of mine had unusual staircases. They got a carpenter in to make bespoke ones which were attractive as well as safe

Stairgate is absolutely essential to prevent this kind of accident.

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