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Original poster

Help- I hate our house! Causing resentment…

125 replies

Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 01:09

I guess I’m writing this more to vent than anything, always good to get other opinions…

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, we started as semi long distance (I was in Manchester he was in Cornwall).
He owns a house and had a long contract with his work. He currently has around 2 years left. He is all settled. I lived and worked in Manchester, rented a flat on my own, loved my city life and my friends, had my dream job. However, I was always the one that was less tied down so when we got serious (and so did covid) it made sense for me to relocate /move in with him.

His house was definitely a bachelor pad and he always said it was never for the long-term. I’ve always hated the house, the 70s lay out, how dark and dingy it is. It has many ‘bedrooms’ although some only just big enough for an actual adult sized bed. Tiny segregated downstairs communal rooms with weird nonsense corridors and vile cellar. (Makes no sense to knock them through as the value of the house goes down with fewer rooms. Heaven forbid you make a decent sized bedroom!). I feel we’ve done as much as we can to the house to improve it but I hate it and It makes me miserable everyday. I dread coming home to it and regularly find reasons to stay out longer to avoid coming home and facing the house.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for having a place to live (and own), but I can’t help feeling Abit of resentment towards my husband…

He claims there’s no point in moving now as he won’t know where his job will take him after this contract, so no point buying now if going to move in 2 years. Am I being unreasonable to think we could have sold up and moved 3 years ago when I made the move from the North, to somewhere we both liked. and then at least it might’ve been worth it ? I would happily downsize, it’s not to do with size or being luxurious etc. Instead Im in for two more long miserable years here, after which I’ll have to follow him (possibly around the country) AGAIN.

Want to try for a baby but dread the thought of navigating this house with a baby and all the required baby gear but mostly being trapped inside for so long In the early days.
Brought up selling and renting for a bit but he says it’s throwing money away, which I do understand to an extent.

I guess I am just hurt, feeling like my opinions/feelings don’t matter. Hurt that the legal fees of buying and selling always trump the strong feelings I have against the house, after I’ve been the one to do all the compromising/ relocating.

He is very practically minded and is of the mind that ‘feelings’/ ‘I don’t like it’ aren’t reasons to move if not otherwise convenient.

Are my feelings valid ?
Am I an idiot for moving in in the first place?
Is he right / Do I need to just suck it up for two years?
Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 01:17

You’re being unreasonable worrying about a decision you made three years ago not to buy then.
can’t you see and rent? I can kinda understand him wanting to wait till his contract ends but then what happens with the next contract?
is he stalling?

Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 01:26

Would love to see and rent… but sadly not on the same page about it!
The argument 3 years ago was also “but it’s not worth it.. I’ll have to move in 5 years.” So I guess just wondering, when does it become ‘worth it’?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 21/07/2023 01:28

If he is moving every couple of years it makes no sense to tie into another asset, which berry well could depreciate. I understand you don't like the house, but I can see his point- I'm sorry. Even upping and buying every 5 years makes no financial sense. When he finds out where he is going next- does he also get a set timeframe?

Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 01:30

Yeah that’s a bit shit. If everything becomes “in 5 years “
is he on board for trying for a baby?
people can be very money oriented but marriage is about compromise and he’s not considering your feelings.
is Cornwall the long term plan to stay there?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2023 01:35

Forget the house for a minute, are you happy being married to someone who is always going to have to move every couple of years? Is he not willing to get a "stable" job where he can work where you live?

Loving someone isn't enough to make a successful marriage. Don't bring a baby into this until you reconcile what you can live with.

SeaToSki · 21/07/2023 01:36

Can you sell and buy something that would be more marketable for renting/airbnb. If its in Cornwall you might be able to get it to cover its costs when you move, then you could buy another place where you move to for his job and have your Cornish property for passive income and a summer holiday house

Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 01:38

Thanks for reply! He is a medical trainee so next job is consultant…
so should be for very long term, which I guess makes it a lot more palatable/ not moving all the time! I definitely wouldn’t want to move every 5 years and agree is makes no financial sense! Just kind of put out that I’ve been here for a few years and still years left to go (although only 2, feels a lot more 😆)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 01:41

Thanks for reply
After this job move all will be very stable / long term- likely till retirement. So not moving around every few years, sorry, should’ve made it clear in OP!

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 01:46

Ok so he’s got a decent career with a very clear direction and a job which allows him to relocate easily. In that case I’d be a bit more understanding unless you have equal credentials job wise?

Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 01:47

Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 01:30

Yeah that’s a bit shit. If everything becomes “in 5 years “
is he on board for trying for a baby?
people can be very money oriented but marriage is about compromise and he’s not considering your feelings.
is Cornwall the long term plan to stay there?

Yes very on board for baby!thanks, I agree about compromise. Maybe I just need to chill a little bit. Hard to know when it goes around and around in your own head and nobody to sound it off who isn’t biased 😅
probably won’t settle in Cornwall, depends on jobs 😁 up for anywhere, as long as better house layout and good travel networks!

OP posts:
LadyVictoriaSponge · 21/07/2023 01:51

2 years is nothing, it will go in the blink of an eye, spend the time researching what house you want next, plan future decor, set up a Pintrest account, forward plan and just detach yourself from where you are now and reframe it as somewhere to camp out until you find your next place to live, that should make it more bearable.

Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 01:53

LadyVictoriaSponge · 21/07/2023 01:51

2 years is nothing, it will go in the blink of an eye, spend the time researching what house you want next, plan future decor, set up a Pintrest account, forward plan and just detach yourself from where you are now and reframe it as somewhere to camp out until you find your next place to live, that should make it more bearable.

I really love this reply. Thank you!

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 21/07/2023 02:08

I would stick it out for 2 years.

Otherwise you will have to move once sold in say, 6/9 months into a new house, with the cost of surveyors fees, solicitors fees, removal fees, stamp duty, remortgaging, etc. only to find that you need to move again within the next 15 months. What would be the point. It would be an expensive upheaval for nothing.

Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 02:12

WallaceinAnderland · 21/07/2023 02:08

I would stick it out for 2 years.

Otherwise you will have to move once sold in say, 6/9 months into a new house, with the cost of surveyors fees, solicitors fees, removal fees, stamp duty, remortgaging, etc. only to find that you need to move again within the next 15 months. What would be the point. It would be an expensive upheaval for nothing.

Yes you’re right, thanks! I also didn’t account for time the house would sit unsold, although we like to think it would sell fast in the area , the reality is it could just sit for months- who knows! Maybe ill
get my paintbrush out again and do some more drastic renovations 😄

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 21/07/2023 02:24

You have lived there three of the five years so for the remaining two get the house acceptable to sell.
Make a hobby of it.

See it as a house you are selling and wanting to get the best price for the least outlay. Think savvy.
Assess the curb appeal. Is the the colour neutral and inviting? Is the basic structure sound? Are the fences dog proof? Does it need decluttering, weeding, roof repairs, updated power box etc etc.? Learn to wash walls and paint. Learn to tile a backsplash. Learn to see the house through a buyer's eyes.

Be ready to put it on the market in two years and have in mind what kind of home you will search for together.
Will you invest in a holiday home that you will keep if you move else where etc etc.?

MintJulia · 21/07/2023 02:28

I agree, stay for the two years but make it absolutely clear now that you are not happy in the current house and two years is the maximum before you sell and move.

If he tries to disregard your feelings or procrastinate, you'll be selling anyway because you cannot spend the rest of your life being unhappy.

Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 02:29

Thank you! We have done most of these things and have had it valued at £200K higher than it was bought for! I feel we are at the ceiling of what we can do without major structural work, which wouldn’t be worth it for us! But I agree, always little bits to do like painting skirtings etc! Hadn't thought of the dog-proof fence though- will look into doing this, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 02:32

I think if I make it any more clear I’ll be out on my ass 🤣 but I agree, thanks, I will
be moving either way… with or without him… hopefully with, happily!

OP posts:
QOD · 21/07/2023 02:36

Not helpful to you but I’d love to see the floor plan 😂 soz

Original poster
Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 02:39

Imagine an ants nest 😅 rooms but not rooms!

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 21/07/2023 04:01

i have no clue who told you less rooms in total would decrease the value of the house. it's all about layout and a good floor plan.
if indeed it's only for two years i would suck it up, and focus on the next stage/house/town.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/07/2023 15:52

If the house was on rightmove before, it should still be on as a sold property and may have a floorplan. Can you post that for suggestions on changing the living areas around? Or draw up a rough floorplan and post a pic here?

Addicted2Sugar · 23/07/2023 07:03

Ahhhh, I feel so sorry for you, your home should be your sanctuary to come home to each night. Could you do one of the rooms "just for you" and make that a mini sanctuary?
I hear all the 2 years will fly by comments but know that it feels an eternity to you.
In fairness to him, house moving costs are just horrendous and do seem a bit pointless and a real waste for two years.
I hope his consultant post will take you back up North again 😉

DappledThings · 23/07/2023 07:11

Also I wouldn't worry about being trapped indoors in the early days with a baby. We moved when DC were 20 months and 3 weeks to a temporary flat in hospital accommodation. It was dirty and uncomfortable and infested with silverfish. So I was out, about 9-4 every day. You don't have to be in, especially if the environment isn't good for you.

Bilboard · 23/07/2023 07:14

Can you post a drawing of the layout ?
I agree with the above, make it a hobby to improve the inside and outside/ready to sell. Give your home a hug. All houses have their own personality. Get ideas from Pinterest.Two years will fly by.

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