Friend unknowingly insulted me and I can't get over it

[LemonLight]

I've been really ill the last few years, long story but it pulverised my fertility and I had to have aggressive IVF to get pregnant. My friend knows I've been ill but i haven't shared the details or that I had IVF despite her persistently pressuring me to tell all (actually to the point where I had to say stop, I'll talk when I'm ready) - I feel she is too immature and tactless to handle it without upsetting me.

A twist of fate, she recently started a new job (admin) at an IVF clinic and stupid me thought maybe she'll develop some empathy and I'll find it easier to talk to her about it. Nope!

I met up with her and another friend for a coffee and asked her how her job was going and cue a long rant slagging off the poor patients that go for treatment at her clinic. I couldn't believe it, it froze me solid. She made some really unkind comments e.g. it makes women look old and haggard, they must be stupid to waste their money, pathetic for being that desperate, they should just adopt etc.

I know she doesn't know about my troubles but it hurt listening knowing I'm amongst those people she's insulting. Even if I told her now and she was nice about it I'll know how she really feels. DH and I spent thousands on treatment and did multiple gruelling rounds, it was so traumatic. Every time I think of her I remember all her comments and mentally recoil.

How do I move on from it? She wants to meet up soon and I have no desire to see her.

She sounds horrible and annoying, pestering you for details and being so unkind about those patients.

Why would you want to be friends with her indeed.

Just slow fade. Stop replying to texts, or be really vague if you feel you have to reply.

Anyway I'm sorry you're hurting, maybe try writing her a no holds barred letter and then burn it?

I think she’s shown you her true colours. Making awful remarks about the clients who are likely feeling at their most vulnerable is pretty grim behaviour. I don’t think I could ever class a person like that a friend. Id back away, and I definitely wouldn’t be confiding in her!

She doesn't sound like a very nice person, tbh, and I think that should definitely be more of an issue than her accidentally insulting you. Imagine working somewhere where there are woman going through IVF and all the related struggles and then coming out with that bile about them. It's horrible.

Slow fade.
I ditched a friend when my mum died: I just knew she’d be tactless and grief vulture like and I just knew I wouldn’t handle that.

like your friend she’s also critical and immature. I’m glad I haven’t met her in.

I am really shocked by what she said. I don't know why she would chose to work at an IVF clinic when she had all these views, I can't imagine seeing the patients every day, why they're going through and come to the conclusions she's come to. Even if I hadn't done IVF I think I'd find it horrible.

I think this is a tad unfair, on you both really. She is not a mind reader but you are understandably hurt.

I would brush it off. Maybe she does think people should adopt instead, that’s her opinion, you don’t have to agree, me and my friends don’t agree on a lot of things but we don’t hold it against one another. People come from different walks of life and so their experiences can reflect in their options or views.

In saying that if you don’t want to meet up then don’t, it’s up to you and how you feel.

To be honest, I'd see her (or maybe text her) and I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her comments and then I wouldn't bother with her again. That's a horrible attitude to have and a super unprofessional way to talk about people she's working with. I'd be inclined to do it to try and teach her a lesson in the hope someone else doesn't need to come across her but you don't owe anyone that. It would be just as acceptable to just ghost her in that scenario but you might find more closure in being direct with her first.

Not someone I’d want to give the time of day to.

I’d probably not be able to maintain a dignified silence and would blurt out that I’m one of those people she’s insulting, I’d tell her exactly what I thought about her and would block her.

She has an ugly personality. Ditch her. You don't need friends who think like that.

I wouldn’t want to be around anyone who thought about other women like that. It’s callous and cruel. Slow fade.

Gosh she sounds utterly horrible! Even if you hadn’t had IVF I would think she doesn’t sound like a nice person!

hope you are doing ok in yourself now OP x

Someone with a role to provide services should at least understand their clients predicament and not judge and hate them.
I'd be tempted to send an anonymous email to her boss!
She sounds bloody awful and I would fade the relationship out of my life.
I have had similar, a friend who was a paediatric speech therapist who I met for coffee and she was eye rolling at the parents whose hopes and dreams for their kids were being crushed as the stark reality of their learning disabilities became clear through the course of their therapy. Eye rolled at the tedium of dealing with their emotions (nothing she described seemed unreasonable to me, she was mostly just irritated that they had clung on to hope instead of seeing the writing on the wall ).
Made me feel sick. Never saw her again, thank goodness, heartless bitch. She is in completely the wrong job, doesn't even like children!

Part of me wishes I had spoken up and told her everything she was saying was directly offensive to me. In my head I ask her how haggard she thinks I look and can she guess how many rounds I've done by my haggardness but alas I just froze on the spot and then reminded her that some of my family had been through IVF and it was really upsetting for them. I'm such a doormat.

She doesn't sound like a good friend - she also sounds totally unsuitable for that job.

I think you need to ditch her. She sounds horrible.

Horrible attitude and vile lack of empathy. Why waste any more time on her?

She's not a mind reader and you're probably understandably overly sensitive. Depends on exactly what she said. Ive had ivf, it isn't pleasant, does take it out of women and can be explorative.

She sounds gross. You don’t need to have her in your life. Sorry she said those awful things. Just because she thinks them, doesn’t make them true.

I'd report her to her boss personally. Someone that cruel and spiteful should be nowhere near people going through something so heart wrenching and physically gruelling.

As for the friendship I'd let her rant again, tell her to her face that you've been through it, say blocked as you block her number in front of her then walk away, rather float away without this deadweight holding you down.

She sounds horrible, I wouldn't waste another moment on her.

She's also a bit dim if she thinks adoption is any kind of easier option, both the process and the outcomes. Gone are the days of adopting babies where for example an unmarried mother had given up her baby (and thank goodness those days are gone). Adoption these days often involves physically and emotionally traumatised babies and children who have been removed from their parents due to abuse and neglect , looking after them and doing right by them is not an option for the faint hearted.

You’re not a doormat, she blindsided you with her horrid views. I would honestly struggle to meet her ever again, you don’t owe her an explanation or to divulge your struggles, but if you wanted to you could say how offensive you found her opinions.

May I gently suggest you apply very different friendship rules here from the ones you might usually.

I think it's very hard for anyone who hasn't had fertility issues/treatment to have any idea how it affects us. The feelings of loss are hard to compare to anything else.

Protect yourself. Behave as decently as you can but put yourself as a mum first, yourself as an IVF patient second, your relationship with your DH as prospective parents third. You can see where I'm going.

If you have loved her dearly in the past keep a door unlocked, but not open for now, by saying 'After these years of illness I'm finding pregnancy a big challenge so I'm going to step back from things/socialising/whatever please don't take it personally if you can help it.'

If you want to be really kind you could at some point allow her to know through a mutual friend or your DH that fertility treatment was part of your journey, she might reflect or might not. It's not your job to confront or educate.

You've already had very tough times and sad losses. Cherish what you can, let go where you must. 💐

If you can bear to do it (and totally understandable if you can't, I'm not sure i could) there is an opportunity here to call our her lack of compassion and educate her on exactly why her patients need her support and kindness and not to be looked down on or judged by someone who is supposed to be caring for them.

Maybe write to her explaining it all and that you will find it very hard to remain friends if she's not able to see how wrong her comments were and apologise. I'd definitely be tempted to slow fade but maybe she is just a but silly/clueless and needs someone to point out that she's been mean.

But if you think there's no hope of her changing her perspective then definitely get rid. You will forever have your guard up waiting for the next hurtful comment and that's not a worthwhile friendship.

Sounds like you've had a really rough time, sorry x

I agree. You don't owe her anything but it could end up being a service you do for her, if she's receptive, or to another person she interacts with through work or in her personal life. But you can just walk away from that friendship.

She sounds awful, but was she really ever such a great friend if you didn’t even feel you could tell her the basic fact that you were having IVF treatment?

Ive been through it twice, I know exactly what it’s like, and whilst I didn’t announce it to the world my friends knew it was going on.

So if you were never close enough to share that is it really any loss to move on from this friendship entirely?