Friend unknowingly insulted me and I can't get over it

[LemonLight]

I've been really ill the last few years, long story but it pulverised my fertility and I had to have aggressive IVF to get pregnant. My friend knows I've been ill but i haven't shared the details or that I had IVF despite her persistently pressuring me to tell all (actually to the point where I had to say stop, I'll talk when I'm ready) - I feel she is too immature and tactless to handle it without upsetting me.

A twist of fate, she recently started a new job (admin) at an IVF clinic and stupid me thought maybe she'll develop some empathy and I'll find it easier to talk to her about it. Nope!

I met up with her and another friend for a coffee and asked her how her job was going and cue a long rant slagging off the poor patients that go for treatment at her clinic. I couldn't believe it, it froze me solid. She made some really unkind comments e.g. it makes women look old and haggard, they must be stupid to waste their money, pathetic for being that desperate, they should just adopt etc.

I know she doesn't know about my troubles but it hurt listening knowing I'm amongst those people she's insulting. Even if I told her now and she was nice about it I'll know how she really feels. DH and I spent thousands on treatment and did multiple gruelling rounds, it was so traumatic. Every time I think of her I remember all her comments and mentally recoil.

How do I move on from it? She wants to meet up soon and I have no desire to see her.

Me too. Anonymously. Think of pain and hurt she could potentially be causing vulnerable women.

I’d say YABU and a bit sensitive. I’m currently doing my second round of ivf, and I know I look and feel haggard.

She doesn’t know you’ve done IVF, and won’t have known how what she was saying would upset you. I doubt she is horrible to the patients at the clinic, but being a receptionist at any private clinic - particularly ones where people drop serious money like ivf clinics, can be absolutely awful work. The people can be so so rude and maybe she had just had a bad day and was just letting off steam with someone she considered a friend.

I think you should just tell her that she upset you, and tell her why, then tell her you can’t be friends with her any more.

This! Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but if she was so against IVF why on earth take a job at a clinic!
I'd not want to be friends with anyone who showed such a disturbing (and bizarre) lack of empathy regardless of whether it was something that personally affected me.

As well as this, in a short paragraph you've basically also described her as immature, nosey and unable to take a hint...really doesn't sound like a friend worth keeping tbh.

I'm curious as to how your other friend reacted, and did she know about your journey with ivf.

Just avoid her in future, you don't need negativity in your life.

My advice is to just phase her out. She is who she is and who she is isn't very nice.

I had the same kind of revelation about a friend. She was a beauty therapist. Lovely girl, or so I thought. Until I went to lunch with her and some of her colleagues. They spent the whole meal laughing about how hairy some of the women are that they have to wax. "Hahaha it was all down her thighs. I felt so sick hahaha"

I felt so sick! Nasty cows. I did take it a bit personally too because I'm a hairy mary due to wacky hormones. It's humiliating to think this is how people talk about you.

I’d cut her off. My god. Imagine being that immature and cruel?

I’d go one step further and send an anonymous email to the clinic saying a woman was heard talking about patients in that way, say the clinic was identified, and describe her. Let them handle it.

She should not be working with women at such a vulnerable and heart-rending time.

But I am vengeful and hate people like her.

I'd fuck her off. She's devoid of empathy. I think working in that role even if you previously had those views would change after seeing the heartbroken and hopeful faces, but no, she's mocking these poor people. Sounds like a cruel bitch.

being a receptionist at any private clinic - particularly ones where people drop serious money like ivf clinics, can be absolutely awful work. The people can be so so rude

This is utter bollocks.

When I had IVF, everyone at the clinic was so lovely, it made a hideous process slightly better. I remember being on the phone to one lady in their accounts department and she was talking about a remaining £1,750 we had to pay for something or other. She asked if the cycle had been successful and I told her that I had started bleeding that morning and that I think its the start of a miscarriage. I’m usually quite strong but the lady on the phone was so nice I completely broke down and started balling. She was so understanding and finished the call saying something like. All the very best my darling girl, you’ll be in my prayers.

Your friend doesn’t sound cut out for the job at all. I doubt she’ll last long with that attitude.

She sounds awful and lacking in empathy. She also sounds totally unsuited to working with people, especially at a time when they need care, compassion, and discretion. How on earth did she get the job, if she's so horrible? Did she lie at the interview or something? You absolutely don't need a "friend" like that.

What an unprofessional and ignorant twat she is.

She shouldn't be discussing clients at all let alone in such a vile manner.

Surely working there would make most people see how gruelling it is to put their body and mental welfare through IVF treatments and make them feel sympathetic towards them.

She's an absolute clown and I would tell her what I think k of her and dump her.

I wouldn't sit there listening to her slag off vulnerable women.

What a bitch.

Do not tell her your private life and just tell her she's an ignorant, foul minded, ignoramus.

I wouldn't want a friend like that. She's insensitive. & her comments about women who visit infertility clinic are so cruel. Personally I'd fade her out.

Why are you friends with her - she sounds pretty awful all round.

She sounds completely dreadful, what an absolute cow. Why an earth would you want to get past it? Those poor couples having to encounter a sneery nasty piece of work when they’re at their most vulnerable. If she does have those views then why the F did she decide to work at an IVF clinic? Is she completely stupid as well as totally unprofessional and cruel?

Sorry for your difficulties with IVF. It must have been soul crushing for you to listen to her ignorant and callous views. It is almost as if she hates women and chose to do this job to feel superior by sucking off other women's misery.

When you told her some of your family have been through IVF, did she check herself or did she just carry on?

You are not a doormat. You are in a vulnerable position and hurting. That is why you did not challenge her. Some women (I can name midwives) do this to women in vulnerable positions and get away with it because the women are too shellshocked to deal with it. I count your 'friend' as one of those midwife-types.

Do what you feel comfortable to end this friendship, whether it is ghosting or giving her both barrels in the face. She does not deserve any more of your headspace.

What…A…Bitch!!! Wonder what her employers would think about her making statements like that??? (Especially in public where she could be overheard.) I am very pleased that you haven’t shared your health issues with that vulture. I hope you have success with your treatments and have lots of lovely support from other people. I would ghost the vulture and that’s not advice o normally give.

Why are you even considering maintaining this friendship? If you continue with it, it will reflect very badly on you. Either you have the courage of your convictions or you kowtow to nasty, ignorant wankers like her.

You don’t have to explain anything to her or try to educate her - not your responsibility. But for god’s sake don’t meet up with her and politely tiptoe around her rampant ugly malice. Ugh.

Going against the grain but I think she was just letting off steam as most of us in public facing jobs do at some point. Same as the care worker on the other thread. It doesn't mean she hates the clients or is nasty to them. If we didn't have an occasional rant in my job, we just wouldn't be able to continue, and the no one would be doing an important front line job. She probably feels safe with you and that she can vent a little.

Ew what sort of person slags off those going for IVF? Weird

Couldn't agree more. She has no business working there. I'd be done with that friendship. Wishing you all the best and hope you have great news soon

She sounds utterly dreadful OP. An awful loudmouthed, opinionated gobshite.

I’d b constantly busy.

Also to those saying she’s welcome to her own thoughts - yeah she’s entitled to her opinion but she’s definitely in the wrong job. I’m sure the people running the clinic would prefer workers who sympathised with their customers.

So her views are okay as long as she doesn’t voice them to the OP?

She can think that way, but she is vile. Just plain nasty.

I also suspect that when she went for her job interview/s, she would have given them the impression that she was warm and empathetic. Instead, she has shown herself to be immature, intrusive, entitled and insensitive by nature. Her commentary about the patients is awful and it really only serves to make her sound like a teenager big-noting herself.

I am sorry. This crosses the line from letting off steam to being pure venom to the vulnerable women who use the clinic.

It doesn't mean she hates the clients or is nasty to them.

Yes it does. Pls do not minimise what she said. It is not 'banta'. She is in the wrong job and/or chose it for a reason.

@LemonLight I expect she is bound by a confidentiality agreement and while she isn’t naming names I think this general kind of chat about people attending a clinic is completely out of order and her bosses would want to have a word about it if they got wind of it. It’s unprofessional and she has no idea who is listening and finding it upsetting and who is identifiable from what she says.

As for the therapist @PimpMyFridge mentions. It’s completely unethical to be talking about patients like that even in the general sense. If she’s that jaundiced she needs to find another job or familiarise herself with the ethical standards she has to adhere to as part of her clinical role.