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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend unknowingly insulted me and I can't get over it

127 replies

LemonLight · 20/07/2023 22:44

I've been really ill the last few years, long story but it pulverised my fertility and I had to have aggressive IVF to get pregnant. My friend knows I've been ill but i haven't shared the details or that I had IVF despite her persistently pressuring me to tell all (actually to the point where I had to say stop, I'll talk when I'm ready) - I feel she is too immature and tactless to handle it without upsetting me.

A twist of fate, she recently started a new job (admin) at an IVF clinic and stupid me thought maybe she'll develop some empathy and I'll find it easier to talk to her about it. Nope!

I met up with her and another friend for a coffee and asked her how her job was going and cue a long rant slagging off the poor patients that go for treatment at her clinic. I couldn't believe it, it froze me solid. She made some really unkind comments e.g. it makes women look old and haggard, they must be stupid to waste their money, pathetic for being that desperate, they should just adopt etc.

I know she doesn't know about my troubles but it hurt listening knowing I'm amongst those people she's insulting. Even if I told her now and she was nice about it I'll know how she really feels. DH and I spent thousands on treatment and did multiple gruelling rounds, it was so traumatic. Every time I think of her I remember all her comments and mentally recoil.

How do I move on from it? She wants to meet up soon and I have no desire to see her.

OP posts:

LimePi · 21/07/2023 01:37

Mostpeculiarmama · 21/07/2023 00:50

Going against the grain but I think she was just letting off steam as most of us in public facing jobs do at some point. Same as the care worker on the other thread. It doesn't mean she hates the clients or is nasty to them. If we didn't have an occasional rant in my job, we just wouldn't be able to continue, and the no one would be doing an important front line job. She probably feels safe with you and that she can vent a little.

People can vent about something that impacts them (eg annoying client, or super demanding etc) and that caused them frustration. How is the look of women going through IVF or the fact they are not adopting instead is impacting her? She’s just a vile person.

onemorerose · 21/07/2023 01:40

Lavender14 · 20/07/2023 22:50

To be honest, I'd see her (or maybe text her) and I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her comments and then I wouldn't bother with her again. That's a horrible attitude to have and a super unprofessional way to talk about people she's working with. I'd be inclined to do it to try and teach her a lesson in the hope someone else doesn't need to come across her but you don't owe anyone that. It would be just as acceptable to just ghost her in that scenario but you might find more closure in being direct with her first.

Is it acceptable to ghost people now? I think that’s vile, not the same as reducing contact.

OP if you want to keep that friendship the only way is to have it out and agree to disagree

StrangerYears · 21/07/2023 01:44

IVF is very tough physically and mentally.
If the people working at my clinic had been rude, brusque or off hand I think I would have crumbled.
People in these roles are generally empathetic.

Your not-friend sounds like a bitch. I would not even do a slow fade- I would tell her (not aggressively) how her comments came across and step away.
BTw when I was going through IVF I could not bring myself to tell anyone as it would be too hard to answer the "any joy yet?" questions

Nowearenotmakingitup · 21/07/2023 01:52

@PimpMyFridge that was so sad to read. I would have cut off contact too.

A couple of years ago an acquaintance of mine began to let off steam about the women she dealt with at work. She was a teacher but couldn’t get enough tutoring work (I don’t know why she couldn’t get an actual teaching job) so she’d acquired part-time paid work with a women’s charity. She was dealing with vulnerable women but she was critical of them and the fact that at least one woman had put herself in a risky situation - lots of eye-rolling and judgement - and “what did she expect?” It was sickening to listen to.
I don’t know how she’d blagged her way into the job but it was 100% about the money and nothing to do with being suitable for the role.

user1477391263 · 21/07/2023 01:56

What is she like generally, OP? Is she generally the unempathetic type who jeers at people having a hard time? Or is this out of character for her, and the words of someone who was having a hard time at work and venting?

She doesn't sound very nice, but I'd also feel a bit repelled at such comments.

NumberTheory · 21/07/2023 01:57

People do have different views about IVF and how good an idea it is to chase fertility this way (I say this as someone who went through IVF and because of that am now quite ambivalent as to whether I think it’s a good idea from a cultural perspective). Sounds like your friend expressed the anti- view in an immature and UN empathetic way. You knew she was immature. Maybe you also knew she lacked empathy for some things (since that often goes hand-in-hand with immaturity) but didn’t realise it included this?

Is this something you can come to terms with? If she changed her point of view, could you forgive her for thinking like this now? It’s possible that if you share your issues with her she’ll be nice not because she’s hiding how she really feels but because she will actually empathize with you and that will change her view of others who go through this process. If that were the case would it make a difference?

Of course, you aren’t obliged to be the teacher of that lesson (and if you think she may spread gossip or use that information against you, it wouldn’t be a good idea). You can just drop her as a friend. You could try challenging her view without relaying your own journey. You can let things go low key for a while and see if you can stomach being around her in 6 months or a year. It depends, really, on what you think her friendship is worth and what you can bear doing.

lucylulululu · 21/07/2023 02:24

Why are you friends with this girl? She sounds awful.

BettySpencer2023 · 21/07/2023 03:00

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Regardless of her not knowing your situation, the fact that she is in a role that requires a level of kindness and empathy, the remarks she has made are unforgivable.
I would let that friendship fizzle. Let her go about her miserable toxic ways without you by her side.
Best of luck in your own journey x

ScrantonDunderMifflin · 21/07/2023 03:07

It's really not her place to judge,hm how mean.
No wonder you aren't keen on seeing her now, I wouldn't want to either.

Grumpy101 · 21/07/2023 03:28

She doesn't sound very nice but she can't be a very close friend? Easy to distance yourself, life's too short to be around people like her

SilverArch · 21/07/2023 03:50

She sounds horribly venomous and judgmental. And where are all these healthy babies ready for adoption to be found? There are very few babies available for adoption and it is not wrong to want to try for a baby who is genetically related to you. One of my colleagues had unexplained infertility and has had two IVF children and she wasn't particularly old - she just couldn't get pregnant naturally.

SquashPenguin · 21/07/2023 04:01

I’d tell her to get fucked basically. You’re better off without.

loveandpoprockz · 21/07/2023 04:18

I wouldn’t be doing a “slow fade” as someone said above. I couldn’t be friends with someone like that and would ignore all future messages from her. She should eventually get the message but if she doesn’t let her know why.

Sunnysunbun · 21/07/2023 04:32

I’d report her to her employer and end the friendship. Vulnerable women don’t need to have to deal with her attitude!

NutellaEllaElla · 21/07/2023 04:48

So I can imagine the stress of it all does have an effect on appearance and to someone with no fertility issue or strong urges for children it would be baffling as to why someone would put themselves through it.

It doesn't sound like you two were good friends anyway imo. You didn't share things with her, maybe this reflects the state of your friendship.

Sylver75 · 21/07/2023 04:48

Who among us hasn't ranted about work? Could this be all this was? I work in a public facing role, believe me when I say it's possible to be polite and gracious and do your job well while also wanting to throttle the clients/customers you're dealing with.

People suggesting complaining to her employer - that's madness. If I was reported to my boss everytime I had a chat with a friend where we shared our frustrations by moaning about people we deal with at work, I'd be destitute and unemployable.

She's not a mind reader and so can't know how sensitive a topic it is for you.

Sceptre86 · 21/07/2023 05:25

How did you meet? How did you become friends and what do you have in common? Is it that she has forthright views in general but it's only now starting to bother you? Or is this type.of behaviour new?

To me she sounds awful. Infertility is a devastating thing for couples to go though, I can have sympathy for people experiencing it despite never having it myself. Many people will think it is better to adopt ot that if it isn't happening naturally then it isn't meant to be but if that's a private opinion it's better kept to yourself.To criticise people going through a gruelling process both mentally and physically is mean especially the comments it has on a woman's appearance. In a way it sounds as if she thinks she is somehow superior to them and I dislike that.

I would have challenged her and made it clear I didn't appreciate her comments. I don't believe in having people in my life that are negative influences so I'd ditch this friendship.

Mylittlepea · 21/07/2023 05:38

Dear God, she sounds toxic.
Regardless of what everyone else says - what you you think? Friends should make you happy and feel like life is better with them in it. If the answer is no, walk away slowly……

Hope you are okay💐

user1477391263 · 21/07/2023 05:57

For goodness' sake, don't report her to her employers, this is not bloody East Germany where people go round snitching on each other.

If she puts on a polite face at work, fine, she's only an admin worker there anyway. If she goes around with an attitude on, she won't last long there anyway.

waterrat · 21/07/2023 06:05

She just doesn't sound like a nice person ! Why would you be friends with her?

daisychain01 · 21/07/2023 06:05

I wouldn't bother wasting your breathe explaining to her how tactless she is and lacking in social filter - if she's that thick-skinned she's never going to listen and why invest your emotional energy on someone who sounds completely lacking in empathy. You'll just come across as the bad person, and you definitely don't deserve that.

I wouldn't bother with a slow fade, just don't contact her anymore she doesn't deserve your friendship or feelings. She's blown it.

Epidote · 21/07/2023 06:10

IVF clinics are a business and due some of the treatment processes also creates a lot of traumatic situations and cost a fortune.

Is she always that bad mouth. I mean does she speak like that in all the subjects?

Does she likes to rant with an over the top language?
Is she a good friend or the kind of me, me, me?
It may be the case that she did a very unfortunate speech not knowing what you are going through and she will apologize and support you if you speak with her.
It may be the case she is been called friend by you but is one of this person that will make your life better if she is not on it.
Think about the full relationship and you will know if is worthy to continue it, left it go etc.

WaltzingWaters · 21/07/2023 06:28

She sounds like such an awful person. I couldn’t be friends with anyone who said things like that.

I’d call her out on it and say how awful it is what she said (whether you tell her you’ve had or not) and then call it a day on the friendship. Hopefully she’ll learn some empathy.

noglow · 21/07/2023 06:31

I'd reply to any requests with no - I'm in shock at your comments about the IVF clinic patients. And leave it at that.

If you really wanted you could probably mention it to her employer but that's the nuclear option. There's a clause in a lot of contracts saying you won't bring the employer into disrepute.

noglow · 21/07/2023 06:32

makes women look old and haggard, they must be stupid to waste their money, pathetic for being that desperate, they should just adopt etc. none of these are the comments of someone who is just a bit fed up with their job

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