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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend unknowingly insulted me and I can't get over it

127 replies

LemonLight · 20/07/2023 22:44

I've been really ill the last few years, long story but it pulverised my fertility and I had to have aggressive IVF to get pregnant. My friend knows I've been ill but i haven't shared the details or that I had IVF despite her persistently pressuring me to tell all (actually to the point where I had to say stop, I'll talk when I'm ready) - I feel she is too immature and tactless to handle it without upsetting me.

A twist of fate, she recently started a new job (admin) at an IVF clinic and stupid me thought maybe she'll develop some empathy and I'll find it easier to talk to her about it. Nope!

I met up with her and another friend for a coffee and asked her how her job was going and cue a long rant slagging off the poor patients that go for treatment at her clinic. I couldn't believe it, it froze me solid. She made some really unkind comments e.g. it makes women look old and haggard, they must be stupid to waste their money, pathetic for being that desperate, they should just adopt etc.

I know she doesn't know about my troubles but it hurt listening knowing I'm amongst those people she's insulting. Even if I told her now and she was nice about it I'll know how she really feels. DH and I spent thousands on treatment and did multiple gruelling rounds, it was so traumatic. Every time I think of her I remember all her comments and mentally recoil.

How do I move on from it? She wants to meet up soon and I have no desire to see her.

OP posts:

Meeting · 21/07/2023 08:11

To be honest I'd just tell her why I wasn't going to continue the friendship. It's already over and there's no coming back from it.

It can be really painful to be dropped by a friend without knowing why and I know you don't owe her anything but she will paint you as the bad guy if you just ghost her

DrManhattan · 21/07/2023 08:14

You don't have to be friends with this person.

MRex · 21/07/2023 08:22

You can choose your friends, and it's time to start choosing.

I've never had IVF and I would have pulled up an acquaintance behind so needlessly heartless and bitchy. In your position, I wouldn't tell her about having IVF yourself, just say the conversation had shown a really nasty streak in her so you aren't interested in hanging out any more.

nettie434 · 21/07/2023 08:25

I'm such a doormat

It's not being a doormat not to disclose something to someone who you know will be unsympathetic. A good friend is someone that you know will support you, even if they personally would not have made the same decision themselves.

I agree with you that I would have expected her to become more sympathetic after working in an IVF clinic. The fact that she seems to have become even more entrenched in her views suggests that she lacks empathy and kindness. The comment about looking haggard is really awful. I'd actually worry about her having a role in which she was in contact with the people attending the clinic.

WisherWood · 21/07/2023 08:32

IME people who push at your boundaries like that, asking for information you don't want to give, will then show themselves up in other ways. Generally there will come a point where they will use that information against you. They're not pushing out of concern but out of nosiness and self interest.

I've never had IVF. You don't need to have done to think that what she said is beyond the pale and very unsympathetic to the people she's around. Honestly, I don't think this is about being insensitive to you, it's just being an unsympathetic person all round. I'd fade the friendship. I don't think she's going to change. I think she just isn't a very pleasant person.

JJxxxxx · 21/07/2023 08:35

Just wow! 😞
She really should look into a new career path… honestly to work in the clinic and have no empathy with the patients is awful 😞 but to say such horrible things is even worse.

I agree with what others have said, if you didn’t feel comfortable telling her about having the treatment she probably isn’t a very good friend anyway.

wishing you the best of luck with your IVF

Original poster

LemonLight · 21/07/2023 08:37

Hi everyone, sorry I fell asleep last night! Thanks for all your comments I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

To answer a few questions-

The other friend - she mmm-d and aaah-d along but didn't input anything, I think she was just humouring the conversation. She's an empathetic person in comparison so I'd be surprised if she came out with the same views.

Origins of our friendship - met at a society when we were both at uni. I always found her a bit full on and gobby, but nice and we had fun, we were pretty carefree and our friendship was built on the society activities so we had a lot in common then but not much any more.

I won't be contacting her employer - I think she'll mess it up herself to be honest. Her last job she wasn't popular and left because didn't get along with her colleagues or manager.

How much of a friend is she really - we're not close but she thinks we're closer than I feel we are and she pursues the friendship quite persistently. I've told other friends about my illness and ivf but never felt comfortable enough to tell her, and everything she said just reaffirmed my gut feeling not to.

Why do I want to move past it/what do I get out of friendship with her- to be honest this thread has helped me realise that I don't particularly want to fix it and that I don't think she's a positive person to have around but I feel like I have to because she is part of a friendship group so cutting her out wouldn't be a clean break. Reflecting back at all our conversations since we left uni, she is a very negative person and it's been draining and I've started to dread meeting up with her. This time round it just hit like a ton of bricks.

OP posts:

KimberleyClark · 21/07/2023 08:37

AnneElliott23 · 21/07/2023 00:04

She sounds awful and lacking in empathy. She also sounds totally unsuited to working with people, especially at a time when they need care, compassion, and discretion. How on earth did she get the job, if she's so horrible? Did she lie at the interview or something? You absolutely don't need a "friend" like that.

I am also wondering how she managed to come across as suitable for the job when she’s such an awful person. I would text her and tell her how hurt you were and then drop her.

KimberleyClark · 21/07/2023 08:39

She does sound like the sort of person who would have said “why don’t you just adopt?”

orangeyeahthatsright · 21/07/2023 08:40

I think I'd struggle to get past comments like that in a friendship regardless of the context. She's shown you the worst of herself. A classic Mean Girl.

MargosMangos · 21/07/2023 08:44

MRex · 21/07/2023 08:22

You can choose your friends, and it's time to start choosing.

This is sensible advice but I'd let her have it both barrels - with zero regrets

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 21/07/2023 08:48

She sounds awful. And she shouldn't be working in an IVF clinic with her attitude.

Perhaps you don't need to worry about making things awkward in the friendship group by calling her out. Maybe everyone in it is waiting for someone else to do it. Have you considered talking to a couple of other close friends in it and seeing if they feel the same?

drpet49 · 21/07/2023 08:50

fireflyloo · 20/07/2023 22:55

She's not a mind reader and you're probably understandably overly sensitive. Depends on exactly what she said. Ive had ivf, it isn't pleasant, does take it out of women and can be explorative.

This.

KimberleyClark · 21/07/2023 08:55

drpet49 · 21/07/2023 08:50

This.

Show quote history

I’ve had IVF (unsuccessful and I agree it can be exploitative and unpleasant but that doesn’t justify e.g. it makes women look old and haggard, they must be stupid to waste their money, pathetic for being that desperate, they should just adopt etc.

MRSDoos · 21/07/2023 08:59

I couldn’t move past the comments and I’d have to end the friendship. I haven’t gone through infertility but I’ve been through losses and I have unfortunately had to move away from people who have strong, rude opinions about how I should grieve despite never going through loss themselves.

We are all entitled to our own opinions at the end of the day, even situations we’ve never been through. On most things you can agree to disagree but when it’s personal and obviously a traumatic time for you I don’t think I could see past it.

I’m also another one that cannot understand why she works at a fertility clinic. I am unsure how she can have no empathy for the people who are having to go through this journey to get pregnant.

Sloth66 · 21/07/2023 09:07

Well she doesn’t sound very nice.
If she’s in a wider friendship group, I’d simply let this particular friendship drift. Take longer to reply to texts, explain you’re busy. Unless you feel you want/ need to explain how her views offended and upset you.

Deathraystare · 21/07/2023 09:14

Not really the same but I remember a particular friend being quite savage about women 'using the NHS resources' to get pregnant when they should 'just accept they can't have a baby'... until her neice could't get pregnant. I reminded her of that too!

Didn't upset me personally because like the friend I am childless and no partner but I remember thinking hope that does not come back to bite you!!!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 21/07/2023 09:42

It sounds like you've made your own conclusions about how you want this to go in the future. I think there really are, 'friends for a season', corny but true. Sometimes, IME it's best to just gently let these friendships go. Suggestions about confronting her about her terrible attitude and opinions are not going to work in this situation I think. Or at least there is a very real chance it will end badly. I had a situation where friend was continuously making passive agressive put downs. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, gently called her on it, and she agreed with me, then carried on doing it. When I finally had enough, I explained to her, via a message, maybe not as tactfully as I could have, but I was at the end of my tether with her. She reacted very badly. It was messy, and unpleasant, and I wouldn't choose to put myself through it again. If you think that she might take it badly, please consider that it might be even more unpleasant for you. Please take something from my mistake.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/07/2023 09:46

She is obviously causing you stress which is the last thing you need now. You've recognized 'I'm such a doormat' - so you haven't put boundaries in place, but Jo reason you can't start now. Only you can decide if she has other lovely qualities and you'd like to continue this friendship if she could just be a bit more sensitive OR if you are ready to let it go.

IF the former you could say before you next meet I've been noticing the last few times we've met I've been feeling drained after as I find some of the negative conversation topics and gossiping upsetting can we try to keep things like hearted next time we see each other - if she's a decent person she'll definitely take that on board.

If the latter, you're perfectly entitled to do this (she sounds like the type that definitely would) just slow fade and spend more time with people who do help you feel good - you need positivity and good vibes around you always, but especially now x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/07/2023 09:47

loveandpoprockz · 21/07/2023 04:18

I wouldn’t be doing a “slow fade” as someone said above. I couldn’t be friends with someone like that and would ignore all future messages from her. She should eventually get the message but if she doesn’t let her know why.

But if you have lots of mutaual friends etc slow fade drift away can be easier on the group dynamics eg she might still see her at other friends bdays or weddings

JusthereforXmas · 21/07/2023 09:57

We didn't tell people IRL about our IVF journey so really only fertility professionals knew. Honestly they say some of the most insensitive things that make you think 'why the fuck did you choose this career path'.

Highlights included:

'at least you got to be pregnant some never have' (after my MMC of my miracle baby).
'just give up, its been years and its clearly not happening for you'
'its selfish to do IVF' (said by the sonographer for my IVF treatment)
'miscarriages make you super fertile, I guarantee you'll be pregnant again in a month' (MC nurse after we told her we where infertile)
'Your too young stop worrying about it' (in my 20s and married and been trying for years, you dont get to decide I'm 'too young' random doctor).

The top 3 where worst (they went just those 1 lines but full lectures thats just the 1 line crux of it).

I think the MC nurse was trying to be nice but seriously misguided (took 3 more years and IVF to get pregnant).

The last one I heard a few times, yes I'm young because I choose to start early knowing I have health issues. My actual health problems don't care about age and I'm not bloody waiting until 40 to start trying given I know it will take time.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/07/2023 10:05

Mostpeculiarmama · 21/07/2023 00:50

Going against the grain but I think she was just letting off steam as most of us in public facing jobs do at some point. Same as the care worker on the other thread. It doesn't mean she hates the clients or is nasty to them. If we didn't have an occasional rant in my job, we just wouldn't be able to continue, and the no one would be doing an important front line job. She probably feels safe with you and that she can vent a little.

Well she should quit then shouldn't she. I'm sure one of those poor people that she slags off would be more than happy to take her place.

Defiantjazz · 21/07/2023 10:42

I guess the real question is would you feel about if you hadn’t done IVF and it wasn’t a personal affront. I mean I’ve never met her obviously but she sounds like a bit of a bitch.

Defiantjazz · 21/07/2023 10:43

how would you feel about it

popoping · 21/07/2023 10:46

Wow it's awful that she works in an IVF clinic if those are her feelings. She doesn't sound very nice at all.

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