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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming about parters behaviour at stag do?

117 replies

NHRN · 20/07/2023 21:27

DP and I both out of long marriages. Relaxed arrangement in that we don't live together, have own lives but spend time together often. Main reason is I don't want to look after another man. We both happy in arrangement. We are monogamous in our relationship and admit that we don't like the idea of the other one with another person. We can both be a little jealous, but laugh about our silliness.

Partner goes abroad on a stag do. Has a history of being a boozer and being a wally. I ask him to please not get hammered and do anything silly....

Totally forgetting that he is on 360 app, I find out he spent whole evening in lap dancing club. He says was just a laugh and means nothing. Say one of the others had a lap dance... The groom to be perhaps? Or did they all. It's a strip club and lap dance club after all...

Had he not left the 360 app on he would have never told me, he says.
These men are 40s and up to 60s. Presumably the women are the age of their kids in many cases.

Abu to be absolutely fuming about this or should I just get over myself? Can't bear to speak to him and am very close to ending it after 5yrs together.

Yes. I have a right to be utterly outraged and he deserves everything he gets
No. I should get over myself and ignore it as harmless fun

OP posts:
Hawkins0001 · 20/07/2023 22:15

I understand your perspective op

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/07/2023 22:16

It’s gross, pathetic and proves that his attitudes towards women - feeling entitled to buy sexual time with them - are deeply misogynistic.

For me it would also be a deal breaker. Don’t be swayed by the cool girl shit you may feel pressurised by.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 20/07/2023 22:16

NHRN · 20/07/2023 21:42

Thank you. Already it has cleared my mind. You are right. Time to get over myself!

No, they're not right. Why would you want to be with someone so sleazy and gross?

FlowersInTheSky · 20/07/2023 22:16

I don’t see the issue, and you don’t even live together so it’s not like you’re committed or serious anyway 🤷‍♀️

HakunaMatiłda · 20/07/2023 22:17

Why would you be checking up on your partners location on a 360 app?!

5128gap · 20/07/2023 22:18

The thought of a group of creepy old men paying to sleaze over women their (grand) daughters age is utterly repulsive. As I wouldn't want to be around a man who repulsed me I'd end the relationship.

RoseslnTheHospital · 20/07/2023 22:19

@NoNonsensePotato just found that thread... I'm amazed at the number of people that seem to accept that kind of behaviour and agree with not telling the DH. The OP of that thread is well in the wrong, it's clearly a degree beyond what this OPs DP has done.

dudsville · 20/07/2023 22:22

This wouldn't fit with my values and ethics, with my choices about how to live a happy life, for me. So i would consider this vital information and make the changes needed. I wouldn't be fuming at him unless he lied to me about, which he was prepared to do to you. I would more be sad that he wasn't the person i thought i knew, but you learn stuff and move on.

5128gap · 20/07/2023 22:23

NHRN · 20/07/2023 21:42

Thank you. Already it has cleared my mind. You are right. Time to get over myself!

By cleared your mind, I assume you mean put it away in a box in your mind labelled 'Things I pretend to be ok with' so you don't have the faff and inconvenience of having to end the relationship? Your call OP, but you can only suppress your feelings so long. They have a habit of forcing their way out.

Azerothi · 20/07/2023 22:28

Your boyfriend said he wouldn't have told you. Why aren't you worried about everything else your boyfriend hasn't told you?

melmos · 20/07/2023 22:28

You win @JudgeRudy 😂

I think the fact you don't live together but have access and followed his location doesn't really match. In the nicest way it makes me question you not him in this scenario. Think strips clubs are awful no matter what sex the clientele are however it's part of hen/stag mob mentality which its easy to get into in the situation and forget the reality of what the place is providing and at what cost to those involved. Much like drugs and another unregulated goods.

The idea that my other half would be watching my location live on a night out I somehow find more goulish but I am probably out of touch and in the minority.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2023 22:28

Why have you got some weird location tracker app in the first place?

CurlewKate · 20/07/2023 22:29

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks of women as commodities? That's what it boils down to.....

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/07/2023 22:30

I think it depends on what happened in the club. Some are very professional, no touching etc and if no private dance that's one thing. Others I know are fairly grim and other stuff definitely goes on with private dancers in back rooms. Also depends on whether he knew your views on this before he went. If he knew it was a potential dealbreaker for you and went anyway then I think that shows how he views your relationship

ASGIRC · 20/07/2023 22:31

Ive had a lot of fun in strip clubs, with friends, both male and female, both single and not single.

In general, the single ones would get lap dances, the not single ones wouldnt.
In my general circle of friends its not a big deal.

Joolsin · 20/07/2023 22:32

I would not be ok with this. I also don't categorise it as something that automatically happens on stag dos. These supposedly "mature" men should be better than that. I would have the complete ick about him and his friends and would have to consider ending things. From a practical standpoint in your case, op, it would be easy to do as you don't live together, etc.

readbooksdrinktea · 20/07/2023 22:35

I hate strip clubs. But I'd equally hate my casual boyfriend, who I don't live with, tracking my location. I'd leave over that.

LivinDaylights · 20/07/2023 22:36

It's a stag do and a strip bar, meh. I wouldn't care if my husband went, it's a bunch of blokes having a laugh, it's not a brothel! So long as he didn't have a seedy private dance (and the aren't allowed to touch the women anyway) I wouldn't be fussed. It's up to you what you find acceptable though.

Ofcourseshecan · 20/07/2023 22:37

PimpMyFridge · 20/07/2023 21:39

I think it's sleazy whether he personally had any services or not. So I wouldn't be impressed these are the kind of friends he has and this is the sort of person he is.
I also know loads of people would find that view unrealistic, but I just think that tells you what low standards we accept from men often.

I agree. It’s sleazy, whether at a stag do or not.

Pippa12 · 20/07/2023 22:37

How did you realise he was at a strip club? Did you follow him on the app? Google the club? I’m trying to work out if he didn’t tell you/lied!?

My DH has been to strip clubs on stags, it just seemed like the thing to do on stag parties 10 years ago. I’m ok with it, i trust him. I’d be upset if he lied or tried to conceal it tho.

LivinDaylights · 20/07/2023 22:37

Tracking your boyfriend's location though is all kinds of wrong though, I'd have more issues with this to be honest.

Windercar · 20/07/2023 22:38

To be expected on a stag unfortunately

not for men aged 40+. I (as a female) went to strip clubs ‘as a laugh’ in my 20s and early 30’s but now at 49 the thought of ogling 20 year olds almost the same age as my child - and often being abused- is just fucking gross

Windercar · 20/07/2023 22:40

I wouldn't care if my husband went, it's a bunch of blokes having a laugh

yeah, but are the women in the places having a laugh? That’s the bigger issue for me. Abuse and taking advantage of those with disadvantaged backgrounds.

Tulpenkavalier · 20/07/2023 22:42

suburbophobe · 20/07/2023 22:00

I wouldn't want to be with such an immature man really.

40 - 60-year-olds acting like pathetic teenagers.

No thanks.

So disrespectful. Of ALL women.
Tells you all you need to know.

Life is great without these assholes around.

THIS. And this:

Has a history of being a boozer and being a wally

And his good points are...?

Nellynoowhoareyou · 20/07/2023 22:43

YANBU but I think something like this would need to have been cleared up before he went. Many years ago I cried about a documentary on Eastern European sex trade/slavery and begged my partner/husband (whatever he was at the time) not to go to any strip clubs on his upcoming stag do! Since then, he’s been one of the few not to go in on a couple of such occasions, ie will go to a nearby pub instead or to the chicken shop and back to the hostel to bed, while most of the slathering reprobates he’s with go and objectify the girls in the sex club. But had we not had that convo I think it would’ve been mueller grounds.