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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming about parters behaviour at stag do?

117 replies

NHRN · 20/07/2023 21:27

DP and I both out of long marriages. Relaxed arrangement in that we don't live together, have own lives but spend time together often. Main reason is I don't want to look after another man. We both happy in arrangement. We are monogamous in our relationship and admit that we don't like the idea of the other one with another person. We can both be a little jealous, but laugh about our silliness.

Partner goes abroad on a stag do. Has a history of being a boozer and being a wally. I ask him to please not get hammered and do anything silly....

Totally forgetting that he is on 360 app, I find out he spent whole evening in lap dancing club. He says was just a laugh and means nothing. Say one of the others had a lap dance... The groom to be perhaps? Or did they all. It's a strip club and lap dance club after all...

Had he not left the 360 app on he would have never told me, he says.
These men are 40s and up to 60s. Presumably the women are the age of their kids in many cases.

Abu to be absolutely fuming about this or should I just get over myself? Can't bear to speak to him and am very close to ending it after 5yrs together.

Yes. I have a right to be utterly outraged and he deserves everything he gets
No. I should get over myself and ignore it as harmless fun

OP posts:
BGiles123 · 20/07/2023 22:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Anotherchristianmama · 20/07/2023 22:44

Well it would be a deal breakers for me because I wouldn't be with a man who thought sexual exploitation was ok

Nellynoowhoareyou · 20/07/2023 22:44

*murkier grounds!

MentholLoad · 20/07/2023 22:44

I wouldn't be with a man who went to a strip/lap dancing club. is that what you mean or do you only have an issue if he received a lap dance?

Lavender14 · 20/07/2023 22:46

The idea of lap dancing clubs gross me out and I find it creepy but since it's a stag do I wouldn't expect dh to refuse to go with the rest of the group. I would however expect him to conduct himself in a respectful way while he was there and you need to decide if you trust that he did that or not. I would say an app that tracks movements is a red flag in itself though regardless of who's using it.

Ponoka7 · 20/07/2023 22:47

My partner gets a paper to read in work, usually the one with the best sports section. He didn't really get my ick towards page three (they now have tops on) until I pointed out that the woman was younger than my youngest DD and a few years younger could be his granddaughter. It's part of the entitlement of older men to sex from a much younger woman and seeing women's sexual attractiveness as something they can buy.

MentholLoad · 20/07/2023 22:47

PureLife89 · 20/07/2023 21:57

Stag do go to a strip club, big no

Hen do have a stripper, absolutely fine

MN is a weird place

who the hell has a stripper at a hen do, in real life??

Washyourfaceinmysink · 20/07/2023 22:48

NoNonsensePotato · 20/07/2023 22:11

Strip clubs are a bit grim but chances are he just went with the flow. Plenty of women have male strippers at hen parties, like in the recent thread where OP had licked squirty cream off the strippers cock and ended up getting carried away and giving him a drunken blowjob.

I sometimes feel like I live in another world, or at least a different era. I’ve been to loads of hen parties or other women’s events over the years - don’t think I’ve seen a male stripper at any of them since the mid 90s!
If it makes any difference, I’m not some sheltered old lady - live in London, worked in media/music biz . Where are all these parties with male strippers?! I honestly don’t know anyone who’d want to go, sounds grim 🤮

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 20/07/2023 22:49

DustyLee123 · 20/07/2023 21:28

To be expected on a stag unfortunately. Only you know if you trust him or not.

Yes. Disgusting but I personally wouldn't end an otherwise happy relationship over it.

crazycatladyof6 · 20/07/2023 22:51

This

Shodan · 20/07/2023 22:51

It's 'expected' at a stag do? Are men so limited in their imaginations that they can't think of even one other activity?

My DP is in no doubt of my opinions of men who go on stags to strip clubs. Deeply pathetic and sexually unattractive to me. As for the idea that they might be weak-willed enough to just 'go with the crowd' or whatever- again, pathetic. I like a man to be stronger of character than that.

OP don't just change your mind about feeling unhappy about this because some people have said they're ok with their men going to these clubs. They aren't you, and have different standards. Give it a couple of days and see what your over-riding feeling is then.

FWIW- I don't agree with strippers at a hen do either. Demeaning and embarrassing.

crazycatladyof6 · 20/07/2023 22:51

PimpMyFridge · 20/07/2023 21:39

I think it's sleazy whether he personally had any services or not. So I wouldn't be impressed these are the kind of friends he has and this is the sort of person he is.
I also know loads of people would find that view unrealistic, but I just think that tells you what low standards we accept from men often.

This

Backtothe90splease · 20/07/2023 22:52

A man who visits lap dancing clubs is not the man for me. It's not ok just because 'its expected on a stag do'. It's sleazy and exploitative and degrading and there's no occasion I find that to be ok.

I find people's standards around this issue depressingly low but hey ho.

NoNonsensePotato · 20/07/2023 22:54

Washyourfaceinmysink · 20/07/2023 22:48

I sometimes feel like I live in another world, or at least a different era. I’ve been to loads of hen parties or other women’s events over the years - don’t think I’ve seen a male stripper at any of them since the mid 90s!
If it makes any difference, I’m not some sheltered old lady - live in London, worked in media/music biz . Where are all these parties with male strippers?! I honestly don’t know anyone who’d want to go, sounds grim 🤮

Show quote history

I wondered the same but they're obv happening. I remember my male friend telling me he'd been for a drink in Stratford-upon-Avon of all places a couple of years back and had been surprised to see a hen party in a pub with a male stripper windmilling his willy in circles to the delight of the women.

Not even a private booking, just in the corner of the pub. I was pretty shocked this was allowed but he's not the bullshitting type. Apparently the guy was dressed as a copper and just strolled in before starting to strip, as a surprise to the bride.

themummylife · 20/07/2023 22:57

I couldn’t be with a man that goes to strip clubs or has lap dances. I just think it’s grim, but every couple has different boundaries.

NoNonsensePotato · 20/07/2023 22:57

I also remember like 15 years ago one of my male mates was a naked butler at private parties, also around Stratford-upon-Avon. He was. Into the gym big time and taking steroids back then so had the full six pack and shredded body. He said it was mainly rich middle aged women.

MentholLoad · 20/07/2023 22:58

NoNonsensePotato · 20/07/2023 22:54

I wondered the same but they're obv happening. I remember my male friend telling me he'd been for a drink in Stratford-upon-Avon of all places a couple of years back and had been surprised to see a hen party in a pub with a male stripper windmilling his willy in circles to the delight of the women.

Not even a private booking, just in the corner of the pub. I was pretty shocked this was allowed but he's not the bullshitting type. Apparently the guy was dressed as a copper and just strolled in before starting to strip, as a surprise to the bride.

Show quote history

I don't like male strippers either. but I do think the difference is the exploitative aspect. I don't think that male strippers are often doing it as a last desperate resort. and I don't think there is an issue with trafficking male strippers

Babybabybabyy · 20/07/2023 22:58

I think you were just needing a bit of reassurance that this is (sadly) standard stag do behaviour and not something he has maliciously done to you. Obviously everyone has their own boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not on a stag do and really there shouldn’t be any special rules for a stag than there is for normal life. We’d probably be bothered if our partners came back late one night for dinner because they had gone to a strippers on the way home but it seems when it’s in the midst of the ‘lad’ group mentality it is more socially acceptable and just something most people expect now. I wouldn’t let it worry you massively, would have probably been better off not knowing

MentholLoad · 20/07/2023 22:59

@NoNonsensePotato what the hell is going on in Stratford-upon-Avon??!🤣

NoNonsensePotato · 20/07/2023 23:01

MentholLoad · 20/07/2023 22:58

I don't like male strippers either. but I do think the difference is the exploitative aspect. I don't think that male strippers are often doing it as a last desperate resort. and I don't think there is an issue with trafficking male strippers

Show quote history

Yeah, I agree that men probs don't get trafficked as strippers. It's more for farm labouring etc where they get locked up and passports taken away etc.

I actually wonder whether things like OnlyFans actually provide an alternative nowadays for women. Still pretty grim but removes some of the risk of being around drunken horny men.

Batalax · 20/07/2023 23:03

I guess I wouldn’t want dh to be the only one to not go, but I’d be having a conversation about telling me in the future. The fact that he said he wouldn’t have told you, is what I’d be focusing on.

NoNonsensePotato · 20/07/2023 23:05

MentholLoad · 20/07/2023 22:59

@NoNonsensePotato what the hell is going on in Stratford-upon-Avon??!🤣

A lot of rich people who like cocaine and parties.

It's probs the same in many places but I saw the underbelly because my mate ran one of the nightclubs there on behalf of the owners and I used to go to the lock ins/afterparties which would often migrate back to people's houses. I still remember getting a lift back in this guys Bentley Continental and he'd left a paycheck on the backseat which was £14k for the month. That was shitloads 20 years ago!

Mumtothreegirlies · 20/07/2023 23:06

They went abroad for a stag do. Of course they went to lap clubs and visited brothels. Any women who thinks their other half remains faithful on those and allows it then more fool them! I wouldn’t date a guy who went on one and if my fiancé arranged one for their stag do they’d be alone at the alter.

Teenagehorrorbag · 20/07/2023 23:08

DH is a somewhat old school manual worker and went to Dublin 20 years ago for his stag do. I very much doubt the wider aspects of the strip club trade would have entered any of their thoughts while out there (i.e. trafficking, modern slavery etc) and they aren't perhaps the most enlightened of lads.

But it would never have occurred to them to go to a stripclub or lapdancing place. All they wanted to do was the Guinness tour, a horse carriage ride, and drink lots of beer! I actually wouldn't have been that bothered if they did go to a lapdance club (apart from the morality of it) but I'm not sure I agree with PPs that it's a necessary part of a stag do!

So it is a bit sleazy but I wouldn't say a deal breaker. But equally I wouldn't say it was totally expected on a stag do.....

SunsetOverParadise · 20/07/2023 23:09

Why must we have such low standards for ourselves? I’m not putting up with any partner going to a strip club, and I’d have zero respect for anyone who used the pathetic argument of ‘everyone else is doing it.’ Grow a spine and think for yourself.