To be fuming about parters behaviour at stag do?

[NHRN]

DP and I both out of long marriages. Relaxed arrangement in that we don't live together, have own lives but spend time together often. Main reason is I don't want to look after another man. We both happy in arrangement. We are monogamous in our relationship and admit that we don't like the idea of the other one with another person. We can both be a little jealous, but laugh about our silliness.

Partner goes abroad on a stag do. Has a history of being a boozer and being a wally. I ask him to please not get hammered and do anything silly....

Totally forgetting that he is on 360 app, I find out he spent whole evening in lap dancing club. He says was just a laugh and means nothing. Say one of the others had a lap dance... The groom to be perhaps? Or did they all. It's a strip club and lap dance club after all...

Had he not left the 360 app on he would have never told me, he says.
These men are 40s and up to 60s. Presumably the women are the age of their kids in many cases.

Abu to be absolutely fuming about this or should I just get over myself? Can't bear to speak to him and am very close to ending it after 5yrs together.

Yes. I have a right to be utterly outraged and he deserves everything he gets
No. I should get over myself and ignore it as harmless fun

Snap

This wouldn’t bother me as long as he didn’t get a personal dance. It’s just one of those things that happens on a stag do.

Why do people trot this out? Lots of people in committed relationships choose to live separately!

I can't get wound up over this. My husband finds those places boring though

Additionally if he lied I'd be pissed off but I wouldn't track him. I guess if he thought you'd go mad he would hide it 🤷🏻‍♀️

What behaviour is it you’re upset with? Attending a strip club is not a sign or morality. I was on a mixed-sex stag do. It was late, I was the last girl left and the lads were trying to drag the stag to a strip club. The stag flatly and firmly refused, called it a night. Walked me back to my hotel where he tried to snog me. Grim.

of course it's a sign of morality

...amongst a group of deadbeat lowlife men. It's shitty and unacceptable and not at all inevitible.

Really?

To me it’s not the above guff about ‘trust’ and ‘cheating’ it’s that disgusting attitude toward women he’s exhibiting.

It’s a yes from me meaning it’s completely unacceptable. My dp and I told each other our boundaries in the beginning and had the chance to talk them through and not going to a lap dancing club/ getting a lap dance was one of them. So for me it would be a deal breaker however I accept that everyone is different which is why we talked about it. We both went into the relationship knowing the dealbreakers and either agreed or moved on. We’ve been together over 20 years.

I've just googled 360 app! I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you have this with each other? You say you both lead your own life, so why do you need to be on an app where you track each others' move? I can understand for tracking kids but keeping track of partners movements is so weird and gives me Black Mirror vibes!

I personally don't think you should care he's at a lap dancing club! But everyone has different boundaries, so if you're not comfortable with it maybe have a conversation with him about how it has made you feel.

Personally, I wouldn't be attracted to a man who enjoyed lap-dancing clubs. Not because I think there's anything intrinsically wrong with them, but for me personally that kind of behaviour is just a big turn-off. But I would also be massively turned off by a man who 'Has a history of being a boozer and being a wally'. I'm just not into the 'Wahey, getting hammered with the lads' kind of man, really, and lap-dancing clubs is all part of that picture, for me.

However, I know plenty of women who wouldn't mind this at all. These things are purely personal. There's no universal right or wrong here - it's just what is right or wrong for you.

OP, if this is a deal-breaker for you, it's a deal-breaker for you. It doesn't really matter whether other people would/wouldn't end a relationship over this, because this isn't their relationship, it's yours. You don't need other people to set your boundaries for you.

I wouldn't be with a man who goes to strip clubs. No way would I be with someone who commodifies women's bodies. Grim.

I would also add that if you have a history of being jealous and have tracking apps on each other's phones, there are trust issues in your relationship that go way past the lap-dancing club incident.

Can't we get away from this "Boys will be boys" bollocks

It's disgusting, disrespectful and I would definitely end a relationship in this case.

Even worse they are lecherous old men over young women. Yuk!!

Absolutely this. I'm really surprised at all the 'As long as he was honest' 'If he checked with me first' and 'Depends whether he knew my boundaries' type replies.
Surely the question is: Do you want to be with a man who thinks it OK to pay to get sexual gratification from leering at women his (grand) daughters age?
The fact he may or may not have thought to ask your permission beforehand, or that he wouldn't go if you said no, is completely irrelevant.
His desire to go is what speaks of his character, values and attitudes to women, and they either align with your own or they don't.

I wouldn't worry about it unless you think he's likely to cheat. But tbh unless the strip club was actually a brothel, he's no less likely to cheat visiting one of those than a normal club.

Not sure if that's better or worse now I've written it down!