To be fuming about parters behaviour at stag do?

[NHRN]

DP and I both out of long marriages. Relaxed arrangement in that we don't live together, have own lives but spend time together often. Main reason is I don't want to look after another man. We both happy in arrangement. We are monogamous in our relationship and admit that we don't like the idea of the other one with another person. We can both be a little jealous, but laugh about our silliness.

Partner goes abroad on a stag do. Has a history of being a boozer and being a wally. I ask him to please not get hammered and do anything silly....

Totally forgetting that he is on 360 app, I find out he spent whole evening in lap dancing club. He says was just a laugh and means nothing. Say one of the others had a lap dance... The groom to be perhaps? Or did they all. It's a strip club and lap dance club after all...

Had he not left the 360 app on he would have never told me, he says.
These men are 40s and up to 60s. Presumably the women are the age of their kids in many cases.

Abu to be absolutely fuming about this or should I just get over myself? Can't bear to speak to him and am very close to ending it after 5yrs together.

Yes. I have a right to be utterly outraged and he deserves everything he gets
No. I should get over myself and ignore it as harmless fun

I think the strip club thing is also partly meant to be an 'end of an era' thing to symbolise that the groom is now devoting himself to one women. Like a final 'get it out the system' thing.

How long have you been together?

If you were out with your friends how would you react if he told you not to drink too much!

Another thing is that strip clubs are often the last place serving booze. In my hometown the strip club is the only place you can keep drinking after about 3am. I used to go there sometimes and my male friends would ask me to try and shield them from the extremely pushy dancers who would be hassling them to have a private dance.

It's to be expected on a stag do... if you have a relationship with a dreadful man.

Total deal-breaker for me. I would end it.

You say you’re relaxed and have your own lives but you track him on an app when he’s on holiday! And then chastise him for where he goes.

My husband is mid to late 40s and I wouldn’t care if he did this on a stag do.

I feel like Mumsnet is weirdly both ends of the spectrum when it comes to what's ok in a relationship.

I've seen many threads where people state that they are not ok with their partner having female friends, receiving innocent work-related messages from women or spending any one on one time talking with them.

Reading those threads always made me assume that I'm less jealous than average but reading this one makes me think the opposite.

Because it's a stag do isn't an excuse to me. Yes I would expect my DH to be the only one who doesn't go and I assume he would be clear to his friends about why. If this was an issue I'd expect him to have better friends. If he prefers he can lie to his friends. I don't care. I just consider a lap dance cheating personally.

If he went and didn't get a lapdances I'd be uncomfortable but it wouldn't necessarily be a dealbreaker.

I've had threesomes with my DH and so I'm hardly uptight about sex but I would end my marriage over a lapdance yes. My DH is aware and is welcome to make his own choices with that knowledge.

I'd consider him being alone with a naked woman rubbing herself all over him (or worse in some places) cheating at any other time so it being a stag do and being in a strip club makes no difference to me.

If the age difference was large enough that the stripper could be my DHs daughter/granddaughter it would also give me irreversible ick.

I'm amazed that so many people would be ok with the fact he was planning on lying to you.

It really comes down to what your own boundaries are. People will tell you that you can't find a man who will go along with that. Not only are they wrong but even if they were right I'd rather be alone than be with a man who gets lapdances in strip clubs. I really think that regardless of what you decide you need to clearly communicate where the line is for you going forward.

I wouldn't have tolerated a male stripper at my hen do. I see it as cheating. I hold my men to the same standard.

It wouldn’t bother me if DH went to a strip club on a stag do but then he has never lied about it either.

DH told me before his own and before my DB stags that they might go to a strip club. He didn’t at either. At his own he felt it would be disrespectful with my DF there and at DB he stayed with the older guys 38 years + in age after the races as the younger guys (DB is nearly 10 years younger than DH) wanted to go clubbing and he felt too old for that.

Did you ask him about a strip club and he flat out denied it? The lying would bother me more than the strip club. Not telling you though might have been a poor attempt at protecting your feelings. Even in this case though I would prefer honesty to protected feelings.

I'd find physical interaction much worse than men just awkwardly nursing a pint while naked women dance on podiums. The OP the other week who licked squirty cream off the stripper's cock along with several mates was grim. She 'got carried away' and ended up giving him a blowy in front of everyone. Real grim. 🤢

They're both grim. Oggling naked women like they're objects is gross, but the latter is more grim.

Disgusting and sleazy.

would be a line for me but only you can know what’s ok in your relationship

So many women with low, low, LOW standards for men on this website. The mind boggles.

It is not "expected" at a stag do, only stags of sleazy, immature, grotty men who see women and their bodies as things to be purchased and leered at.

I know lots of men who've done things like go-carting, laser quest, or just a fucking meal and some drinks on their stags. Nary a nipple tassel in sight.

You don't have to accept this sort of social degeneracy just to be seen as the "cool girlfriend" OP, you're allowed to have higher standards than this.

My husband stopped going to these when I asked him to many years ago. It’s not unreasonable to expect a partner not to go to strip clubs, although it’s not clear you’ve had that discussion. Lying wouldn’t make me happy either.

It does make me laugh that a couple of weeks ago there was a post on here about a woman who sucked a stripper's knob on a hen do and 80% of the advice on that thread was "don't tell your husband, what he doesn't know won't hurt him" and now you all want OP to bin her bloke because he went to a lap dancing club.

They haven't gone abroad for a stag for for the museums or the local cuisine. This is probably reflected in the place they chose. If he wasn't going to be allowed to go where they all went it would be less difficult to make an excuse and stay home.

Decent respectful men don’t go to strip/lap dancing clubs.

He went on a stag do. He probably didn’t have a say on where they went.

As a one-off, let it go.

Urgh, strip clubs and lap dancers is just hideous but then I dislike male strippers aswell.
I would be upset if my DH had done that.

Same

Yeah every bloke in my family has just gone out for a meal and drinks. It’s not obligatory to go on a stag.

Every time I think one day I might look for a relationship again I read something like this and remember why I decided to stay single. My bar was low after listening to similar attitudes on here and then I realised that I didn't have to tolerate sleazy misogynistic men who buy the time and sexual favours of women. There will always be exploitation and vulnerability there. So no thanks. Raise your bar OP, you can do better than someone who thinks this is ok or is such a sheep he just goes along with what his mates are doing. Low standards either way.

To be honest this relationship seems a bit odd to me anyway.

Why would you need to ask him not to get hammered and do anything silly. He isn’t a child. He went on a stag party he was going to get hammered. If he has form for ‘silly’ behaviour when drunk, then he will do something ‘silly’. That’s the man you picked to share your life with.

I wouldn’t be happy about the strip club. But Dp know my feelings on this. I really hate the whole concept. Male and female strippers. And I have declined events where there are going to be strippers. So has Dp.

People usually talk about these things in long term relationships.

I also think having your partner on 360 and checking where he is and for how long is also a bit off.

Why are you tracking a grown man’s movements on a tracking app? Why are you telling a grown man not drink? It’s all a bit immature for people your age.

Why would you say this, when anyone who was on the thread or who is interested enough to check can see for themselves it was the other way round? 85% of people condemned the OP on that thread with comments that reflected that.
I don't know how you came to be so mistaken?