A bit naffed off that I didn't receive a text back from someone I've been doing favours for. I probably am U, but I'm a bit miffed.

[SoSheTakesTheDog]

Me and DP know a couple through dog-walking. We’re all mad dog people – our lives revolve around the bloody dogs.

The woman from the couple died about three months ago. The man asked if we’d (I’d) be willing to dog-sit every now and then because their dog had never been left alone before.

I agreed and I’ve dog-sat about 4-5 times since. Sometimes on weekends, sometimes on weekdays.

Sometimes I’ve had to split my time throughout the day because DP’s not WFH and I can’t leave our dog alone for too long. That’s meant 2-hours at his, back to mine for 2-hours, back to his etc. The dogs can’t be looked after together in the same house.

As well as dog-sitting, I’ve also gone over at the drop of a hat a couple of times to help him out with other stuff too.

Yesterday the man text to ask if we could co-ordinate diaries and book some days in for dog-sitting.

I replied to say my dog’s fallen really ill, was in for an emergency ultrasound which could be really serious so I’m trying to keep things clear for a couple of weeks so she’s not left alone at all. I said I’d text him once I knew more about the situation and what I could do with my diary. I was apologetic.

I’m stressed, I’m grouchy, I’m sleep-deprived, I’m worried, I’m on my period and I know he’s going through absolute shit. So I know I’m probably being U. But it naffed me off a little bit that he didn’t text back. I can’t quite put my finger on it. It just irked me that I didn’t even get a “Hope she’s doing okay” given I thought we’d got a nice neighbourly thing going on (albeit one way – understandably so). So, AIBU?

I know this is classic deflection and I know I’m probably being U. But I needed to vent a little bit. Sorry if I come across like a twat.

Also sorry that I might not drop in too often - am dealing with an ill dog 🙃

Sorry your dog isn't better yet. Hopefully soon.

No OP you only come across as a lovely lady who is being taken advantage of.
Boundaries please!

Unfortunately, it wouldn't entirely surprise me if he was actually using your dog-sitting time to meet potential new female companions. It sounds shocking, but it is very common for men to 'move on' much sooner than expected after being widowed. The more beloved the wife, the more urgent the need to find someone to fill that gap, sadly.

Hence the disappointment when you weren't available at short notice.

I’m sorry about your dog, OP.

Until you added the bit about how you would text him an update later and ‘Is that okay?’ I thought you were just slightly U, and that only because he is so recently bereaved.

But I am not British so I am always having to think about the social codes in the UK, and to me your remarks imply that you don’t want a reply; you will contact him.

That's what I've been thinking.

Maybe I'm a cynic, but if I were him I'd MAYBE interpret a long story about a dog with a sudden illness - which has come on very suddenly and never mentioned before - as code for "I've really lost interest in this dog-sitting thing, it's not massively convenient for me, and I'd rather not do it any more. But I'm not comfortable saying that to your face, so here's some long, slightly BS-whiffy, excuse - that can't be confirmed either way - to get me out of it."

As it happens, the sick dog excuse is true, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was doubting it.
If you DO intend to do more dog-sitting in the future, then get back in touch when things have settled down with your dog. But if this is the opportunity to break things off (it sounds like it's been a bit of an inconvenience to you), then make the most of it!

YANBU Op - hope your dog is ok.

Didn’t mean to set the cat among the pigeons here! My apologies to anyone who was offended. As a woman, feminist, and wife myself I don’t think using the term “wife appliance” on a thread that the widower will never see, and that his late wife will certainly not see, is at all rude or cruel or aesthetically inappropriate for mumsnet. I am not judging this man’s relationship with his late wife at all. I am simply observing that the death of one member of the household doesn’t incapacitate the other from managing household responsibilities-cleaning, cooking, pet and childcare, taxes, etc… Nor does it absolve the widower/widow from common courtesy such as please, thank you, or if it is not too much trouble…

I also don’t think that recognizing the sexism inherent in a widower getting help from the female half of a friend couple is sexist, actually. I have been part of numerous caring circles for injured, sick, dying, or widowed acquaintances and the work of stepping up and filling in the gaps, in my experience, is invariably taken on by the female members of the household (caregivers) for the benefit and support of the household in need. While I put myself out equally for men and women my husband generally leaves this support work to me and looking at the list of supporters (which here you can do because a lot is organized online) you can see that most food/pet/child support is done by women.
And in my experience if the favor is ever returned it is repaid by the female member of the household t a later date or paid forward to another household.

op isn’t asking for her favor to be repaid but she would at least like it to be acknowledged and not assumed or ignored.

I skimmed this.

Lost appliance going missing and did the dying wife break his fingers was the phrase I think you used.
Disgusting.

@pikkumyy77 great post, and on the money.

Widowed friends have cracked on and nothing less is expected by others, but with sympathy.

Widower men have a level of sympathy dished out to them, which they absorbed easily.

Loosing a partner is devastating but the rallying is huge around men.

My close friends brother lost his wife 18 months ago and she and her sisters have been incredibly supportive.
He has met someone also with children and is feeling hard done by that he too has the freedom of 50/50 time off!

My pal has had to have the kind but firm conversation that she is not his 50/50 substitute.
She is being very kind but seriously unimpressed.
His youngest is missing his mummy terribly and seems confused as she is an neighbour.