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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A bit naffed off that I didn't receive a text back from someone I've been doing favours for. I probably am U, but I'm a bit miffed.

110 replies

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:01

Me and DP know a couple through dog-walking. We’re all mad dog people – our lives revolve around the bloody dogs.

The woman from the couple died about three months ago. The man asked if we’d (I’d) be willing to dog-sit every now and then because their dog had never been left alone before.

I agreed and I’ve dog-sat about 4-5 times since. Sometimes on weekends, sometimes on weekdays.

Sometimes I’ve had to split my time throughout the day because DP’s not WFH and I can’t leave our dog alone for too long. That’s meant 2-hours at his, back to mine for 2-hours, back to his etc. The dogs can’t be looked after together in the same house.

As well as dog-sitting, I’ve also gone over at the drop of a hat a couple of times to help him out with other stuff too.

Yesterday the man text to ask if we could co-ordinate diaries and book some days in for dog-sitting.

I replied to say my dog’s fallen really ill, was in for an emergency ultrasound which could be really serious so I’m trying to keep things clear for a couple of weeks so she’s not left alone at all. I said I’d text him once I knew more about the situation and what I could do with my diary. I was apologetic.

I’m stressed, I’m grouchy, I’m sleep-deprived, I’m worried, I’m on my period and I know he’s going through absolute shit. So I know I’m probably being U. But it naffed me off a little bit that he didn’t text back. I can’t quite put my finger on it. It just irked me that I didn’t even get a “Hope she’s doing okay” given I thought we’d got a nice neighbourly thing going on (albeit one way – understandably so). So, AIBU?

I know this is classic deflection and I know I’m probably being U. But I needed to vent a little bit. Sorry if I come across like a twat.

Also sorry that I might not drop in too often - am dealing with an ill dog 🙃

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 20/07/2023 16:03

I voted YABU because you said you would text him once you knew more about your situation so he may have taken that as a don't bother me until I get back to you.

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:06

You're completely right, I hadn't thought of that. I'm such a dick.

OP posts:
Espanaes81 · 20/07/2023 16:07

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Espanaes81 · 20/07/2023 16:08

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SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:15

I honestly hadn't thought about it like that - that he might have interpreted the message as "Don't text me". I feel bad about that now 😂I hadn't meant it to be abrupt or give him the brush-off.

I said I'd text him when I knew more about the situation and I said "Is that OK?"
which is why I didn't think of it as a "Don't text me" message.

But it makes sense. Sorry, I'm clearly being U.

As I said, I'm stressed and grouchy so my judgement is very clouded.

OP posts:
lurkingfromhome · 20/07/2023 16:16

Mmm, not sure I agree with PPs. I'd still have sent a short, courteous text along the lines of "No trouble - hope all ok". I do think it was pretty rude not to acknowledge your situation with a brief but kind message that would have taken you all of 10 seconds to read and wouldn't have needed a reply.

Notmineagain · 20/07/2023 16:17

lurkingfromhome · 20/07/2023 16:16

Mmm, not sure I agree with PPs. I'd still have sent a short, courteous text along the lines of "No trouble - hope all ok". I do think it was pretty rude not to acknowledge your situation with a brief but kind message that would have taken you all of 10 seconds to read and wouldn't have needed a reply.

Me too. How can it be anything but nice to offer just a thoughtful few words.

thatsnotmylifeitstoocrazy · 20/07/2023 16:18

Yes he should of asked if your dog was ok? Why are doing this, its very one sided.

NowYouSee · 20/07/2023 16:19

I agree with you OP. He should have sent a one liner to say he was sorry to hear that, wish dog well etc. Not doing so gives the impression he sees this relationship as transaction with you providing services to him.

Tbh I would take this as an opportunity- dog sitting for him sounds quite a PITA for you and not something sustainable longer term. Time for him to work on other (paid) solutions.

Sarvanga38 · 20/07/2023 16:20

Of course he should have had the courtesy to send a 'no problem, hope all goes OK' message. You are not staff.

Hazelnuttella · 20/07/2023 16:23

This does feel a very one sided arrangement (which is fine obviously in the early days after losing his wife, but you don’t want it to go on forever).

Does he thank you for dog sitting? Acknowledge that it’s a lot of logistics for you?

I think he should have messaged back saying, no problem, sorry to hear that etc.

OhComeOnFFS · 20/07/2023 16:23

A lot of men people become very dependent on others immediately after being bereaved. I think he'd slotted you in for that job without a thought for whether it suited you.

Theunamedcat · 20/07/2023 16:24

I think he has been rude and a wee bit entitled 🤔 it takes nothing to say sorry to hear that I'm here if you need me etc especially as you have been there for him so much lately

LoonyLois · 20/07/2023 16:25

I can’t believe how one sided this sounds. Does he ever return the favour?

Blondey2023 · 20/07/2023 16:26

Considering everything you've done for him I personally think it's rude to not reply. Just out of courtesy for your current situation, an acknowledgement, any sign of concern etc. I'm with you OP.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/07/2023 16:27

He has been rude and is using you for free dog care! Of course he should have responded.

It will be interesting to see the next text he sends you.

Hazelnuttella · 20/07/2023 16:27

OhComeOnFFS · 20/07/2023 16:23

A lot of men people become very dependent on others immediately after being bereaved. I think he'd slotted you in for that job without a thought for whether it suited you.

And assumed you’d do it forever rather than a short term stop gap while he finds doggy daycare/ a paid dog walker/sitter.

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:29

Okay, latter comments are much more in line with my thinking 😅

I agree its very one-sided but I'm okay with that because of his bereavement. They had no children, he has no other family so he's very much alone in the world now. I'm happy to help out where I can.

OP posts:
Autumnsoon · 20/07/2023 16:31

Your happy to help out
he’s happy to push it as far as he can
once or twice yes helping out
but he’s taking u for granted now

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:33

But, yes, I think the lack of message has kind of made me stop and think "Hang on a minute, am I being taken for a mug here?"

He doesn't strike me as the sort of man who becomes dependent on other people after he's been widowed. Him and his wife had a very equal relationship - he's not one of these useless men who can't cook, clean, do life-admin etc. But maybe I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Freysimo · 20/07/2023 16:33

TBH OP, if it were my husband he wouldn't think to text back until you'd updated him. Most men don't think like women.

flowerrewolf · 20/07/2023 16:34

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:35

Freysimo · 20/07/2023 16:33

TBH OP, if it were my husband he wouldn't think to text back until you'd updated him. Most men don't think like women.

See, if it was my DP he'd have text back with good wishes and an offer of help.

On the whole, I agree with you that men don't think in the same way. But, and I actually can't believe I'm about to type this..... Not all men 😝

OP posts:
cstaff · 20/07/2023 16:36

Ungrateful little shit - screw that OP. Just make sure that you are completely unavailable from now on.

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request

I mean, he says "Thanks" for sure. And he's baked a cake a couple of times for when I've been round.

Long-term is a weird one. His dog's very, very old and unsteady so it being a "long-term" arrangement doesn't necessarily mean a long time. I know that sounds awful and unkind.

OP posts: