Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A bit naffed off that I didn't receive a text back from someone I've been doing favours for. I probably am U, but I'm a bit miffed.

110 replies

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:01

Me and DP know a couple through dog-walking. We’re all mad dog people – our lives revolve around the bloody dogs.

The woman from the couple died about three months ago. The man asked if we’d (I’d) be willing to dog-sit every now and then because their dog had never been left alone before.

I agreed and I’ve dog-sat about 4-5 times since. Sometimes on weekends, sometimes on weekdays.

Sometimes I’ve had to split my time throughout the day because DP’s not WFH and I can’t leave our dog alone for too long. That’s meant 2-hours at his, back to mine for 2-hours, back to his etc. The dogs can’t be looked after together in the same house.

As well as dog-sitting, I’ve also gone over at the drop of a hat a couple of times to help him out with other stuff too.

Yesterday the man text to ask if we could co-ordinate diaries and book some days in for dog-sitting.

I replied to say my dog’s fallen really ill, was in for an emergency ultrasound which could be really serious so I’m trying to keep things clear for a couple of weeks so she’s not left alone at all. I said I’d text him once I knew more about the situation and what I could do with my diary. I was apologetic.

I’m stressed, I’m grouchy, I’m sleep-deprived, I’m worried, I’m on my period and I know he’s going through absolute shit. So I know I’m probably being U. But it naffed me off a little bit that he didn’t text back. I can’t quite put my finger on it. It just irked me that I didn’t even get a “Hope she’s doing okay” given I thought we’d got a nice neighbourly thing going on (albeit one way – understandably so). So, AIBU?

I know this is classic deflection and I know I’m probably being U. But I needed to vent a little bit. Sorry if I come across like a twat.

Also sorry that I might not drop in too often - am dealing with an ill dog 🙃

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 00:17

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 23:06

Thank you everyone and thanks for the good wishes for the dog. She's been so ill today, really distressed and anxious but she's settled now on the living room floor. So it's a night on the sofa for me!!

I'm feeling more justified in being miffed but also very conscious about his roller-coaster emotions. But, yes, absolutely I've heard loud and clear to believe people when they tell you who they are and be aware of CF-ery here!

I'm sorry OP,.but I think that phrase ahout telling them who you are is unfair here. Dont get caught up by posters who just love being mean.

Hes been self indulgent, yes, but grieving people are. Give the man a chance.

I'm sorry your dog is ill but I'm not sure why posters are giving that such understanding with nothing for a grieving man. I'm not sure I would have replied to your text as its ambiguous, so someone all over the place deserves a bit of compassion.

If it helps you tk believe hes a CF fine, but I'm not sure that makes you a good person.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 21/07/2023 00:28

OP is a good person. She's been doing something that has inconvenienced her to help him out. Please don't say she isn't because that isnt the truth. The most natural response to your message would have been ' sorry to hear that, hope ddog is ok'. Unless you are incredibly self centred. I've been through the wringer and have never been rude to anyone. Especially someone helping me out. Just be careful OP.

namechangee101 · 21/07/2023 00:34

Sorry disagree with a lot of the pp’s. I think it stinks of him using you for your kindness. Would be thoroughly peed off if I were you, it doesn’t take much to be nice, but he doesn’t seem interested in that. Only in what he can get from you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but my true opinion, sick of rude people.

namechangee101 · 21/07/2023 00:36

Came back as I’ve just realised his wife died 3 months ago. That changes things slightly, although he should still have said something about the dog.

SoSheTakesTheDog · 21/07/2023 00:38

WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 00:17

I'm sorry OP,.but I think that phrase ahout telling them who you are is unfair here. Dont get caught up by posters who just love being mean.

Hes been self indulgent, yes, but grieving people are. Give the man a chance.

I'm sorry your dog is ill but I'm not sure why posters are giving that such understanding with nothing for a grieving man. I'm not sure I would have replied to your text as its ambiguous, so someone all over the place deserves a bit of compassion.

If it helps you tk believe hes a CF fine, but I'm not sure that makes you a good person.

Yes, absolutely I know he's all over the place which is why I wasn't sure if I was BU.
If it was someone who wasn't grieving I'd have been 100% certain I wasn't BU at all.

TBH, I find the MN advice about paying attention when people tell you who they are really useful to be reminded of. Of course, it's not too straightforward in this case because his partner has died.

OP posts:
Clymene · 21/07/2023 00:38

I'm so sorry your dog's so unwell. Hope you get some sleep.

See, I can say that and I don't even know you.

Sorry your friend has turned out to be a cf. Please don't let him take away any more time from your precious girl.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/07/2023 00:43

His lack of reply reads to me as someone walking away from a well that’s run dry without a glance over his shoulder. Looking to get his needs met elsewhere.

SoSheTakesTheDog · 21/07/2023 00:43

Thank you! She's fast asleep and snoring now so that's all good. And I'm just realising how little lumbar support our sofa has 😭

Most definitely - My priority is my dog and will be until she's well again. Everything/everyone else can take a hike!

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 21/07/2023 00:51

SoSheTakesTheDog · 20/07/2023 16:37

I mean, he says "Thanks" for sure. And he's baked a cake a couple of times for when I've been round.

Long-term is a weird one. His dog's very, very old and unsteady so it being a "long-term" arrangement doesn't necessarily mean a long time. I know that sounds awful and unkind.

Wait till he gets a puppy!
Bit light hearted but you never know.
I think he's being a wee bit cheeky with this diary coordination tbh, expecting you to pencil in your dates. A couple of dates following his wife's death is one thing but he's taking you for a bit of a mug now.

Codlingmoths · 21/07/2023 00:54

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, but be very aware that some people , especially men, are takers and accept and ask for and draw on help kindly given without a seconds thought. A friends mum died and she was quite upset when a few months later her dad had a new ‘friend’ so soon after 50 odd years of a happy marriage. A few women in the older generation said it’s quite normal for men to do that and they were also far more tolerant of it. This response of his is quite indicative of a taker, so make sure you protect you- if you would be happier concentrating on your dog just say I can’t help for the next few weeks, have to make sure dog is ok.

SoSheTakesTheDog · 21/07/2023 00:58

@neilyoungismyhero Ha! Fortunately he's rescue dog fanatic, he'd never get a puppy <hopeful face>

In his defence on the diary coordination, I did say a while ago to him that he should let me know possible dates he might want dog-sitting well in advance so I can square my diary - I work FT in quite a high-pressure job. This was after he asked me to dog-sit once with only a day or two notice. So it's not as CF as it sounds here.

OP posts:
Indigotree · 21/07/2023 01:01

He's likely to be in a state of shock still, so naturally unable to focus clearly on things.

SoSheTakesTheDog · 21/07/2023 01:02

@Codlingmoths Oh dear, I hope he's not got me in the cross hairs as a new "friend" 😁

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 21/07/2023 01:07

I didn’t mean that at all op! I should hope not! If you work full time in a high pressure job and also have quite a high needs dog (since they can’t be left alone for more than 2 hours) then that’s a lot on its own. Be kind for sure, but also protect your time to recharge and find contentment.

WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 12:37

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 21/07/2023 00:28

OP is a good person. She's been doing something that has inconvenienced her to help him out. Please don't say she isn't because that isnt the truth. The most natural response to your message would have been ' sorry to hear that, hope ddog is ok'. Unless you are incredibly self centred. I've been through the wringer and have never been rude to anyone. Especially someone helping me out. Just be careful OP.

I dont think she comes across well at all. Not helped by posters who are always on hand to make it as big as possible and then stick the boot in.

If you do something for someone then resent it because they haven't texted you back when they are newly bereaved, you're not doing it for tne right motivations.

I understand shes rightly upset about her dog, but I think shes being unfair.

I dont think shes nor a good person, I dont know her. What I said was the way she has handled this situation doesnt show me she is a good person. People are more than happy to write off this men because he didnr send a bloody text fs.

WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 12:37

SoSheTakesTheDog · 21/07/2023 00:38

Yes, absolutely I know he's all over the place which is why I wasn't sure if I was BU.
If it was someone who wasn't grieving I'd have been 100% certain I wasn't BU at all.

TBH, I find the MN advice about paying attention when people tell you who they are really useful to be reminded of. Of course, it's not too straightforward in this case because his partner has died.

It's an idiotic, narrow minded phrase. One action does not show you who someone is.

I'm really sorry about your dog.

SoSheTakesTheDog · 21/07/2023 13:07

WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 12:37

It's an idiotic, narrow minded phrase. One action does not show you who someone is.

I'm really sorry about your dog.

I get your point but I do think individual actions demonstrate a particular mindset or leaning or personality. So when someone acts in a way that makes you think "Hang on...", its not necessarily an encapsulation of their entire being, but its certainly something to pay attention to.

As I said, its a bit more complicated in this case which is why I wasn't sure if I was BU.

@WildUnchartedWaters I don't resent dog-sitting. At all. I volunteered, I'm happy to do it as a good neighbour. I've not said anywhere in this thread that I resent it. I've just said I'm a bit miffed that I didn't get a text back. I started the thread because I didn't know if that was U way to feel.

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 13:10

SoSheTakesTheDog · 21/07/2023 13:07

I get your point but I do think individual actions demonstrate a particular mindset or leaning or personality. So when someone acts in a way that makes you think "Hang on...", its not necessarily an encapsulation of their entire being, but its certainly something to pay attention to.

As I said, its a bit more complicated in this case which is why I wasn't sure if I was BU.

@WildUnchartedWaters I don't resent dog-sitting. At all. I volunteered, I'm happy to do it as a good neighbour. I've not said anywhere in this thread that I resent it. I've just said I'm a bit miffed that I didn't get a text back. I started the thread because I didn't know if that was U way to feel.

But that was my point. We do good things because we do them. If you feel like this (not helped by the usual OTT response from aibu), because you didnt get a text back, irs not a good deed.

Lacucuracha · 21/07/2023 13:11

He asked to co-ordinate diaries? It's clear he sees this as a long-term arrangement.

You've supported him for 3 months, now it's time to take a step back and let him hire a dog sitter/walker.

If he is usually responsive to texts, I think he's annoyed you haven't fallen into line as usual.

Lacucuracha · 21/07/2023 13:13

WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 13:10

But that was my point. We do good things because we do them. If you feel like this (not helped by the usual OTT response from aibu), because you didnt get a text back, irs not a good deed.

Of course it's a good deed Hmm

Everyone does good deeds to feel good. The human brain is literally programmed that way.

WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 13:15

Lacucuracha · 21/07/2023 13:13

Of course it's a good deed Hmm

Everyone does good deeds to feel good. The human brain is literally programmed that way.

Yes exactly. So the fact he didnr send a text shouldnt be at play.

WaltzingWaters · 21/07/2023 13:24

I do think he should send a quick - sorry to hear that, hope everything is okay.
He’s been through a lot recently, illness can bring back those emotions to someone who has just experienced a loss, so it could be that.

I hope your dog is okay OP.

Cornishclio · 21/07/2023 13:37

Hmm I think he is being rude and ungrateful but if recently bereaved I kind of get why. Do you want to continue with this arrangement or is it a pain? Do you think he can afford some sort of doggy daycare? If he can and you don't really want the commitment (I wouldn't) then I would just let it go and not bother contacting him again. It is kind to do favour for someone who is recently bereaved but when It moves into CF territory you have to put boundaries in place if you are not comfortable with the arrangement.

fruitypancake · 21/07/2023 13:43

He's taking you for granted .. yes
Sad what has happened to him but dog is not your responsibility.. I would take this opportunity to knock it on the head and help on the odd occasion rather than as a regular thing . He needs to pay someone else

ZombieBeryl · 21/07/2023 13:43

I think you're making a rod for your own back to be honest. What started off as a favour from both you and your DP has landed entirely on your shoulders, at inconvenience to you, and it won't be long before those favours become demands.