Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

You agreed to go to help them out, looking after the children around the activities that they want to do is helping them out. Similarly I imagine she thought she was making it easier on you. Did you discuss what you wanted to do when you agreed to look after them ?

The whole point of you going is to help them. There's still plenty of time to go an do things in the afternoons.

While it's very nice that you've agreed to help, do you always have the condition that it has to be to your schedule ?

can't imagine a 4 year old trying to bat a ball for 3 hours!

I don't know the specifics of this camp of course. However other camps for similar ages have done far more than just hit a ball (how boring) and include fun games, running, skills sessions.

It honestly is perfectly possible & my DC have all done camps at 4.

@DeliciouslyDecadent

Great post & agree with mum helping! My own mother is not the greatest with emotional support but if she ever stays, like yours, she irons like a demon. It's such a joy having an empty ironing basket for once!

😄

Honestly, I think that by the time you have got the bag ready to go out and planned the rest of the day it'll nearly be time to pick them up. I think it would be lovely to have some full days next time, but I think you probably do need to move away from the idea of successive full day trips to theme parks with younger kids. Well done for compromising with your daughter. She might be a bit tightly wound, but she probably is just looking for her kids to behave nicely and have a good time with you.

She might be a bit tightly wound,

I can't see where the DD is tightly wound, at all.

She sound organised & thoughtful, considering what's best for the DC & not taking her DM for granted.

Going to chessington and legoland in the summer holidays will be a deeply unpleasant experience. Think queueing for an hour per ride situation. The zoo should be fine if you go early and there’s lots of other fun things to do with kids in London. We like the Olympic park, there are fountains do bring swimwear. How about go down, kids do tennis in the morning, then the park, cinema etc in the afternoon. If you want to go to the zoo, they can. Skip one morning of tennis.

My mother would lose her shit at this. If she is looking after my kid then I ASK her what would make her life easier. She is doing me a huge favor and it is all organised to suit her. I can guarantee if I did this to her she would refuse to babysit and it would be on me for having not ASKED first.

. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!!

On this occasion though you have to fit in with her plans.
I am sure she was thinking of you as well as her children.
Whole days when you barely know the area with kids that age would be hard work.

How old are you?

Retiring early could mean 50 or 64!

How on earth can a four-year-old play tennis? Or a six-year-old for that matter?

Going to chessington and legoland in the summer holidays will be a deeply unpleasant experience. Think queueing for an hour per ride situation.

I agree.

I don't want to assume, but it comes across as if the OP isn't aware of what these places are like in high season/ school holidays.

Very different to Cumbria!

I wouldn’t say a mother who doesn’t want her four year old child to stay away from them for a whole week at a time, 300 miles away was a “controlling madam.”

It isn’t “controlling” to decide what your young children do - it’s parenting.

I can understand why OP is pissed off though - I would be too.

Legoland or Chessington in school holidays with a 6 and 4 year old are really quite unpleasant. We went once, never again! An inset day with the 6 year old at Chessington was brilliant. There are so much nicer things to do around London that don't involve hour long queues, awful food, and stress.

Chessington, Legoland, London Zoo are huge treats for birthdays and as rewards for end of term, being good, etc.

Or lovely holiday days out with grandparents!

Take your daughter up on her offer, OP, just don't go. She has everything figured out and you wanted to do something different with your grandchildren. Not compatible, go another time.

Yup. Camps for kids of these ages will be a whole range of fun games such as running, jumping, catching, and some ball skills. They are not just standing in a queue waiting for their turn to hit (or miss) the ball, there is continual engagement and if one activity proves less popular with the kids a good coach will move swiftly onto the next one. DS does detailed lesson planning in much the same way a teacher would.

Also for those who don't know, mini tennis uses much smaller courts and rackets, lower nets and much softer balls. It is perfectly possible for a 6 year old with good hand-eye coordination to have rallies of 10-20 shots in those circumstances.

@grandmacant

I'm glad that further communication between you and your daughter has clarified things better for both sides and everyone benefits. A lesson learned for the future. 🌹

She should have spoken to you. Mine used to stay with their grandma a week in summer and loved it. They’d go on bus to zoo, farm etc.

@DeliciouslyDecadent she doesn’t want to she had an idea of spending quality fun times with her grandkids .
I can’t believe you have got her there as a dogs body .
Yes the granny night do these things but that wasn’t the deal ! can you
“Can you come down mother and do child Care but when the kids away can you clean and iron” .
Its up to grandmother to decide how much she does extra .

it’s a clear lack of communication .

It’s a mid match if understanding and perspective.

She is seeing it as ‘childcare’ and has probably tried to lessen the workload of ‘childcare’, you are seeing it as a lovely week of quality time with your grandchildren, not acting like a nanny on call to do pick ups and lunch.

Try and talk about this calmly, and maybe she can cancel the tennis club for the last week of the hols. I bet they have a waiting list.

It's sounds like poor communication all round. You didn't say to your daughter that you wanted them all day, every day. You daughter didn't ask you if the camp fits into your plans. On balance, if you are offering free childcare I think you can set the terms, within reason, but if this club is already booked I would accept this and set expectations for next babysit.

She is making it harder, this is not what the OP offered her DD

and bollocks to having to appease her daughter so she might, at some point in the future, be allowed to have her Grandchildren come to stay.

you sound like you think your children are a golden prizes.

@DeliciouslyDecadent
also In in that situation now I have kids , and it’s long distance from grandparents and they never have or would do as OP is doing. I know I’d be so happy and pleased for the help I can’t imagine making plans without chatting about what was expected from the week .

Do you want to do stuff with the kids or would you like to stick to clubs and help with basic childcare .

If you booked your children a 3 hour morning club, to make her life easier and to ensure you had childcare if she cancelled, she would refuse to look after the children at all?? You're not painting your mother in a very good light with that comment.