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AIBU?

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Original poster

Text message bereavement?

102 replies

Yoyo2021 · 19/07/2023 20:06

Hi,

I feel so embarrassed.

A colleague who was my mentor and at some points my manager recenrally passed away from cancer.

It took me by shock I really thought they would pull through. Such a role model to me in my life and so supportive through so much hardship I have faced.

Even when it got quite bad we would message everyday. Even the day before they passed away.

I miss them so much! I had a big trip coming up with work and they were so excited for me and determined to meet me on the return journey sadly it never happened!

So when I did do that trip three months after they had passed. I sent a picture of a landmark from where I had visited and told them I had a little cry as I wish I could tell them about my day and miss there guidance. That I was doing well and I met so many people that knew them it was a great comfort! I ended saying I will never forget them!

Today at work I got a phone call from a
Manager in a office within my organisation in anothecity the manager said they went for lunch with there sister and some other colleagues and that the sister had logged on for the first time in four months and told them that they had found the message very strange and a bit odd!

I asked what they meant by strange and said well they decided not to reply but it caused a lot of upset.

I felt so embarrassed. I really hope there wasnt anyone else that has seen this message that works in my organisation or feels that I'm weird!

Was I wrong to have done this. What should I say if anyone else brings this up? I said sorry!

Perhaps I am strange?

Please let me know if I was unreasonable sending this message.

OP posts:
Goodbookandcupoftea · 19/07/2023 20:08

I dont think you did anything wrong. You probably didn't expect anyone was going to read the message, it was just a way of talking to your late manager.

Louise295 · 19/07/2023 20:10

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you did and you have no need to feel embarrassed.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 19/07/2023 20:11

You did nothing wrong at all & shouldn’t be embarrassed. If anything, seeing the messages showing how well-regarded they were would have made me feel proud of them ❤

Nowitstarts · 19/07/2023 20:12

I think it was a strange thing to do. It would have shaken me to receive a message on DH's phone from someone who knew he was dead. I'd like to think I'd appreciate that it was sent out of fondness, but I might also be a bit worried for the person who sent it.

Rainallnight · 19/07/2023 20:12

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you did. But then, I have only recently stopped sending messages to my mum who died three years ago, so I’m possibly not the best person to ask!😂

Dacadactyl · 19/07/2023 20:13

Don't feel embarrassed. If this had happened to me after a member of my family died, I would feel so proud of them. Not many people mean so much to their colleagues.

PurpleChrayne · 19/07/2023 20:14

Just say he or she. The "they" is confusing because it sounds like you're talking about multiple people.

Nortam · 19/07/2023 20:14

Nothing wrong with that at all. I ahve done similar. I'm sorry about your friend.

CopperSeahorses · 19/07/2023 20:16

I have held on to DH's mobile phone number so anyone who wants to WhatsApp him, can. He died 18 months ago and, personally, I find it a comfort when people (mainly his DD) do message him (I never read the messages but every so often the number of unread messages increases), I message him too from time to time so I can fully understand why you found comfort in doing so.

BillyBraggisnotmylover · 19/07/2023 20:16

PurpleChrayne · 19/07/2023 20:14

Just say he or she. The "they" is confusing because it sounds like you're talking about multiple people.

I assume OP doesn’t want to reveal the late manager’s sex in case people make assumptions about their relationship?

scoopoftheday · 19/07/2023 20:16

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I still send the odd msg to a family member who passed away 6 years ago 💐

Divebar2021 · 19/07/2023 20:19

You have your own relationship with your friend that is not owned by their surviving family. You didn’t send the message to the relative presumably you sent it to your friends number? It’s actually nothing to do with the sister so although I understand she is upset I don’t think she actually has the right to be.

Princesspeach31 · 19/07/2023 20:23

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I could imagine that I would feel compelled to do the same thing if I were in your position. Also, you didn’t send it to anyone else other than your late friend assuming that it wouldn’t be read. This person was a friend, not just a manager, and their family can’t police how you grieve.

InstantGratificationDarkPlaygroundOfMN · 19/07/2023 20:27

Was the message to a mobile phone, a work account, facebook, twitter or whatsapp?
I have to confess - if it was on a phone I was holding for my brother - and a work colleague's message popped up after his demise. If it wasn't someone I personally knew, a friend of the family or a regular visitor in his last weeks, I'd find it a little odd, yes and bad of me I know, but I'd wonder what your relationship was. Sorry - if that makes me awful so be it - but unless I had heard of you often and knew you as a mentee/as a person, I'd be weirded out by the intimacy and the platitudes and think you'd had an affair.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/07/2023 20:30

I still have a deceased colleague/friend on FB and occasionally people will post on this feed, happy birthday. We miss you, remember when etc.. I find it nice. I think it must be comforting for his family that people still think of him.

Ragwort · 19/07/2023 20:33

I think it's rather an odd thing to do but I am not big in SM (apart from Mumsnet) .. it is customary in my circle to send a card or message to the bereaved relative 'thinking of you on this sad date' or similar .. it wouldn't even occur to me to send a message to the deceased person's phone .. what is the etiquette here? Do you 'close down' the account? Confused

Malarandras · 19/07/2023 20:36

This kind of thing is very personal. Some people will like it, others will hate it. You had no bad intent and that’s important. For some perspective from a person who would never do anything like this, in case that’s helpful, I don’t understand doing something like this but it would not upset me. I wouldn’t worry about it, I would think it will blow over.

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/07/2023 20:36

I think it was a bit thoughtless/selfish of you. I understand why you did it and why it helped you but you never stopped to consider how it might upset the family. I can't even begin to imagine how badly it might have impacted them. We all grieve differently but we try not to let our ways of grieving negatively impact others who may also be struggling.

1stTimeMama · 19/07/2023 20:38

My friend died in January, and I still send her messages. If I see or hear something that makes me think of her, I feel like we're still in touch by letting herkl know. I don't think you did anything wrong or inappropriate, I think it sounds like you had a good person in your life who meant something to you, which is nothing but a great thing.

MaryBeardsShoes · 19/07/2023 20:39

You've done nothing wrong at all.

Guineapiggiesmalls · 19/07/2023 20:39

I think what you did was quite sweet. When my lovely dad died, a friend of his sent a message to his phone saying how glad he was to have known him and how much he’d miss him. I loved reading it, and it made me smile at a really horrible time.

allthewaytobeanotown · 19/07/2023 20:42

I can't quite follow your OP as I'm not sure if you texted the person's number or sent a message etc...

I think yanbu if it was a fb message or something as you wouldn't necessarily expect someone else to be logging on to something like that. The message was not intended for the sister so not sure why she would have been upset.

People do do weird shit with fb messages, though.

About ten years ago I got a stream of messages on fb from people saying "fly high, angel" etc. I have a relatively rare name and someone about 200 miles away who passed away from cancer had the same name as me.

Random people were messaging me thinking I was her to pass on their condolences to her on her death. Clearly none of them were her friends on fb, it was all a bit strange. I dunno.

GiraffeDoor · 19/07/2023 20:43

It's not much different from sitting at someone's grave having a bit of a chat "with" them. I can see why it might have upset them, but then again, everything's upsetting when you've lost a family member. I think it's unkind and unnecessary for anyone to tell you that you "shouldn't" have sent it.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 19/07/2023 20:44

I text my mum every day and she’s been dead for months.

I think texting a colleague is probably odd though. I wouldn’t give it too much thought. I know why you did it ❤️

SapphireEyes88 · 19/07/2023 20:47

I frequently fb message two friends who have passed away... It gives me comfort, especially as it can be difficult to talk to people in rl about them and they are buried very far from where I live so I can't visit them.
If anything is weird imo, it's the family member reading the message! I can understand keeping their phone etc but to read the message is definitely odd!