Text message bereavement?

[Yoyo2021]

Hi,

I feel so embarrassed.

A colleague who was my mentor and at some points my manager recenrally passed away from cancer.

It took me by shock I really thought they would pull through. Such a role model to me in my life and so supportive through so much hardship I have faced.

Even when it got quite bad we would message everyday. Even the day before they passed away.

I miss them so much! I had a big trip coming up with work and they were so excited for me and determined to meet me on the return journey sadly it never happened!

So when I did do that trip three months after they had passed. I sent a picture of a landmark from where I had visited and told them I had a little cry as I wish I could tell them about my day and miss there guidance. That I was doing well and I met so many people that knew them it was a great comfort! I ended saying I will never forget them!

Today at work I got a phone call from a
Manager in a office within my organisation in anothecity the manager said they went for lunch with there sister and some other colleagues and that the sister had logged on for the first time in four months and told them that they had found the message very strange and a bit odd!

I asked what they meant by strange and said well they decided not to reply but it caused a lot of upset.

I felt so embarrassed. I really hope there wasnt anyone else that has seen this message that works in my organisation or feels that I'm weird!

Was I wrong to have done this. What should I say if anyone else brings this up? I said sorry!

Perhaps I am strange?

Please let me know if I was unreasonable sending this message.

I'm not that small group. I know what you mean but genuinely is the sister the they that was upset or were they both upset? If just the sister then sure I think the other person might have felt torn and thought they'd better say something so OP didn't send another one if both of them then perhaps the other person is stirring a bit?

I will proberbly message the person who went to lunch with the family and rang me to tell them they should not use a work platform to tell me these things and I should hope that the personal message I sent was not disclosed and that it would not be spoken about further - not sure. I wouldn't personally. I'd just leave it. I understand exactly why you did it. And I'm sorry for your loss.

'They' is used when someone doesn't know or doesn't want to disclose someone's gender. It's mot confusing and doesn't sound like OP is talking about multiple people.

I understand why you sent the message and I think it's nice, but if your friend was 35 years older than you I'm guessing her sister is quite a bit older too so I can understand why people who grew up with less accessible technology might feel differently than those who grew up with the full accessibility we have today.

My mother-in-law passed from cancer and recently I was chilling watching tv and got a call from her phone, I actually stared at the phone for a few seconds in a slight shock. Turned out my lil niece had found it and called the numbers on it lol. I found it funny and my ML would have found it hilarious people thinking she had come back to life but ye everyone deals with things differently I guess

It has never crossed my mind that family would go through someone's private messages on their phone after they died, I had no idea. How awful and intrusive.

I know it didn't cross my mind they would be looking through what’s app.

Gosh I feel so embarrassed and guilty ! Oh well the world goes on and sadly I’ve deleted our messages!

il live and learn from this experience from sure thanks for all the replies of all opinions.

Don’t worry @Yoyo2021

From the answers here, it’s clearly a marmite point. In some cultures, the family would expect you to go to the funeral if you’d ever been a colleague, in others that’s not the case. Very case specific which is hard to get right.

It’s done now. I hope indeed that the manager doesn’t tell anyone else about your grief and if he/she did, I’d talk to HR. Your intentions are good and that’s the main thing.

People don’t always go through because it’s intrusive.

I needed things out of my mothers phone. She got text messages from place like very etc and Dad had no clue what that was. These things needed dealing with but we found no paperwork in the house. Dad wanted the bills settling and nothing popping up months down the line.

We got a delivery text that was meant to let her know her wine order (she died at Christmas and ordered it for then) was being dispatched. We could call and cancel it.

There were phone numbers for some people that were only in her phone. There’s lot of reasons someone would need to open a deceased persons phone. Some people do keep a lot of detail on their phone and nowhere else.

i never read everything on it. But I looked for what we needed. But you could see messages from the grandkids coming through. I did read them but you can see they have come through.

Both me and my dad have an envelope with details in, should the worst happen which include our phone passcodes

OP what you did was not thoughtless, selfish, insensitive etc. what I find odd is that the family of this person are logging into her personal spaces months after she died. I don't imagine they had free access to this when she was alive and she may well be mortified!

Relationships don't end when someone passes away. I think it's deeply touching as I am sure your friend would have too. For what it's worth, I occasionally send messages to my friend who died two years ago on messenger. What was before remains the same, death doesn't alter it. Please don't feel bad, rather feel proud that you have honoured your friendship and continue to do so by keeping her in your thoughts

My DH died less than a year ago. I keep his phone active because I sometimes need it for two factor authentication to close accounts, or otherwise deal with things that I may not find out about until their annual renewal comes round. For this reason I look at all messages and answer all calls. This is a lot harder to do than you might think, even when it's just routine admin. Luckily he hasn't been sent any personal messages because they would be even more difficult to cope with.

Unless someone has been bereaved I wouldn't expect them to realise how this adds to the pain, but I would ask you to listen to those of us who are in a position to tell you.

I would suggest that you keep that in mind when having very private things in your phone.

The amount of admin and things that come up when people die is immense. The length of time some of these things take can be quite long. It’s likely it will be made immensely easier if your loved one have access to a phone and/or laptop.

If you send anything to anyone, you should always do it with the acceptance that it could be viewed by anyone at anytime. Not just because the person you sent it to might die. But because it can happen to anyone. A partner might go through their phone or have general access, it could be hacked, they could choose to share what you sent.

These things aren’t personal spaces anymore, because the person is gone and things need to be sorted. These things are left to the NOK to use to sort everything out.

I agree Op didn’t do anything wrong. But I think calling someone bereaved ‘odd’ or ‘weird’ for doing something that’s actually entirely normal and (often) needed isn’t ok.

Op wasn’t wrong. But also the relative is grieving. They feel how they feel. Doesn’t mean Op was wrong. Doesn’t mean they are either. There could be a million things going that added to the relatives feelings that Op won’t ever know.

Completely understand both sides and still feel a bit odd just wasn’t thinking.

I hope this does not get talked about in my work place.

Thank you for everyone’s points x

No it doesn't.

This is such a normal normal thing to do in grief. I'm sorry they found it odd.

It's really common! A comfort.

Never met the family. No funeral took place just going to have a party but it’s months on and probably won’t be this year I’m told.

@Espanaes81 lots of people choose not to have funerals now to save their loved ones additional stress, money and grief.

If she knew she was dying, she had time to express her wishes and make her own arrangements

I texted my mum for a good few months after her death, even though I have her phone in my house!! If I'd found a lovely message on her phone from someone like you, I'd have thought it lovely 💐

@Espanaes81 There is a growing trend in England to have a 'direct cremation', the deceased person is taken directly to the crematorium from the funeral home and there is no funeral service or ceremony, then the ashes are returned to the family.