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AIBU?

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Original poster

Text message bereavement?

102 replies

Yoyo2021 · 19/07/2023 20:06

Hi,

I feel so embarrassed.

A colleague who was my mentor and at some points my manager recenrally passed away from cancer.

It took me by shock I really thought they would pull through. Such a role model to me in my life and so supportive through so much hardship I have faced.

Even when it got quite bad we would message everyday. Even the day before they passed away.

I miss them so much! I had a big trip coming up with work and they were so excited for me and determined to meet me on the return journey sadly it never happened!

So when I did do that trip three months after they had passed. I sent a picture of a landmark from where I had visited and told them I had a little cry as I wish I could tell them about my day and miss there guidance. That I was doing well and I met so many people that knew them it was a great comfort! I ended saying I will never forget them!

Today at work I got a phone call from a
Manager in a office within my organisation in anothecity the manager said they went for lunch with there sister and some other colleagues and that the sister had logged on for the first time in four months and told them that they had found the message very strange and a bit odd!

I asked what they meant by strange and said well they decided not to reply but it caused a lot of upset.

I felt so embarrassed. I really hope there wasnt anyone else that has seen this message that works in my organisation or feels that I'm weird!

Was I wrong to have done this. What should I say if anyone else brings this up? I said sorry!

Perhaps I am strange?

Please let me know if I was unreasonable sending this message.

OP posts:
PowerBMI · 19/07/2023 22:19

Where did you send the message?

Sid the daughter know you were in daily contact?

Can I guess this person was a man?

I don’t think you didn’t anything wrong, as such, but I can also see how it would be upsetting to the daughter.

Zonder · 19/07/2023 22:23

I still send messages to my best friend who died years ago. I'm pretty sure nobody else ever sees them. I hope!

Sauvblanctime · 19/07/2023 22:26

Nah my friend passed away 4 years ago & I still send her Snapchat stuff

PrideNails · 19/07/2023 22:31

Lots of people have given examples of texting their faimly/relatives, not the same in my opinion.
My late DH family asked me to keep his Facebook account active, I find it very jarring when going about my normal day to see a post/message pop up to him.

Nellle · 19/07/2023 22:32

PurpleChrayne · 19/07/2023 20:14

Just say he or she. The "they" is confusing because it sounds like you're talking about multiple people.

Life in general appears confusing and difficult for those who claim to be overstretched by "they" pronouns.

OP, don't be embarrassed. You did something many bereaved people do. The message that it was felt strange shouldn't have been relayed to so bluntly or at all.

Fuckitydoodah · 19/07/2023 22:35

I understand why you did it. It's not really any different to when people leave messages on dead friend's social media page. But I can also understand why a dead person's loved one might struggle with it.

However, I'm not sure it's really got anything to do with anyone else you work with.

allthewaytobeanotown · 19/07/2023 22:49

Nellle · 19/07/2023 22:32

Life in general appears confusing and difficult for those who claim to be overstretched by "they" pronouns.

OP, don't be embarrassed. You did something many bereaved people do. The message that it was felt strange shouldn't have been relayed to so bluntly or at all.

Show quote history

Can't see any reason to get into pronooun debate over this. The OP is REALLY hard to understand

"Manager in a office within my organisation in anothecity the manager said they went for lunch with there sister and some other colleagues and that the sister had logged on for the first time in four months and told them that they had found the message very strange and a bit odd!"

So many theys in this. Even the sister is referred to as a 'they'. It's so unclear what actually went on.

WaspLady · 19/07/2023 22:52

My brother died last year and I still message him sometimes. Although due to the circumstances of his death the police had his phone for quite a long time and I realised later they were probably being read and laughed at and I was quite embarrassed.

I really like it when I see my brothers friends have posted messages to his Facebook page.. it’s really comforting to know he is still in peoples thoughts, although I don’t have access to his phone or SM accounts I imagine other people still message him too. I can’t really understand why your friends sister would be so upset by this, although I can imagine it might have seemed strange to them if they are a lot older and don’t really understand the way people use technology to communicate these days, that might make a difference to how the message was perceived.

ladydimitrescu · 19/07/2023 22:54

I don't think this is weird or odd at all. I still message my auntie when I am struggling and wish I could speak to her. If that makes me weird, then i am happy to be so.

ejbaxa · 19/07/2023 22:56

I don’t think you did anything wrong. don’t feel embarrassed.

Original poster
Yoyo2021 · 19/07/2023 23:07

Hi all,

So sorry for the confusion! I am so tired today and it knocked me getting that call.

As for my friend / colleague that passed they are female. I was a good 35 years younger than her but we were great friends!

The message was sent on what's app to my friend who has passed away so I'm sure all the chat log shows everything if the sister was to look through.

I thank you for everyone posts I don't feel as bad for it now.

I dont want to upset the sister any further so am not going to send apologie through additional messages in fear I would say the wrong thing etc

I am just going to remove the contact away from my account.

I will proberbly message the person who went to lunch with the family and rang me to tell them they should not use a work platform to tell me these things and I should hope that the personal message I sent was not disclosed and that it would not be spoken about further - not sure.

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 19/07/2023 23:13

If I’m being honest I would have been upset by messages being sent to my husband’s phone after he died. I would have ignored them but felt a bit shaken. I only kept the number active for a few weeks though.

loopyloutoo · 19/07/2023 23:30

I think there is nothing wrong with what you sent at all and it was quite unkind of them to discuss it in the manner they did. Don't feel embarrassed - it seems there are many approaches to bereavement by the comments here. Try not to let it annoy you.

Theglowofcandles · 19/07/2023 23:32

You done absolutely nothing wrong. For them to say it is strange is just cruel of them. Please don't beat yourself up about this. My parent passed away a year ago and we all still send messages knowing fine well they will never be seen. It's an emotionally healthy thing to do, you are releasing and expressing your emotions in a healthy way. (Writing them down/getting them out etc) don't listen to these people.

Original poster
Yoyo2021 · 19/07/2023 23:32

Thank you loopyloutoo I can sleep a bit better and everyone in this post!

X

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoyo2021 · 19/07/2023 23:36

Thank you.

It was just one message.

As not family I would not do message after message!

I thought what would she say and She would tell me not to be silly!!

Good night all xoxo

OP posts:
Notabigfan · 19/07/2023 23:38

How were you to know that their sister was going to check the phone? You probably assumed no one would read it.

Also confused as to who was at lunch with the deceased person’s sister and how the message got back to you?

I think grief affects people in different ways - their sister may come to look back on this more fondly if they are in the throes of grief. I’m sorry for your loss and I wouldn’t worry too much about it. You sound like a very caring and sweet person.

JudgeRudy · 20/07/2023 00:03

I dont think its such an odd thing to do but l can imagine it's a bit disconcerting when you get a 'current' message come through sfter someone's passing.
I had my dad's phone for a bit after he died. Mo the later a message came through saying that the necklace he wanted to order was now back in stock. It was intended for my mums birthday. It upset and comforted her st the same time.
Was his sister the next of kin? I'd feel more upset that someone else was reading my personal correspondence as this means that potentially she could have read every message you've ever sent one another. I'm unsure why work got involved. Was it a work phone?
You were nieve to think yhe message would just lie in the ether I guess but the idea of 'talking' to a deceased person is hardly new, its just a diffrrent medium.

BodegaSushi · 20/07/2023 00:23

noglow · 19/07/2023 21:04

It is I don't know who the "they" is that found it weird? The sister? Both of them?

Show quote history

Nonsense, there’s a small group on here that pretends to be so confused by ‘they’, if it’s that hard for you to understand, even by reading the thread, then you have bigger issues

ConnieLinggusThe69th · 20/07/2023 03:07

I think it's a really normal thing for a grieving person to want to do. My family disconnected a few things bc we didn't want to read messages from people who were grieving to them - it felt like invading privacy of the deceased or too much to hear what people wanted to say to them so I can kind of understand there is sometimes reasons it can upset family) not bc they should feel upset but just bc we did, you can't help how you feel

But it's so normal for people to process grief this way. You were a colleague, they also may not realise how close you were... I don't actually tell my family that much about my friends so there's some people they might find it really weird bc all they know about you is where you are known from and not the context of your close friendship

The family still had it connected. You aren't the only person who has wanted to msg or call

EarringsandLipstick · 20/07/2023 04:57

I will proberbly message the person who went to lunch with the family and rang me to tell them they should not use a work platform to tell me these things and I should hope that the personal message I sent was not disclosed and that it would not be spoken about further - not sure.

Please don't do this.

I'm sorry for your loss - your colleague was special & important to you, and that came across in your message.

However it was really odd thing to message them on WhatsApp & I can understand the upset the family member. It's entirely different to messaging eg your mum as some posters did, as you are the family in that case.

The colleague who let you know was correct to do so.

Remember your colleague fondly & move on from this.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/07/2023 04:59

Theglowofcandles · 19/07/2023 23:32

You done absolutely nothing wrong. For them to say it is strange is just cruel of them. Please don't beat yourself up about this. My parent passed away a year ago and we all still send messages knowing fine well they will never be seen. It's an emotionally healthy thing to do, you are releasing and expressing your emotions in a healthy way. (Writing them down/getting them out etc) don't listen to these people.

But this wasn't OP's parent. It's entirely different and absolutely reasonable to assume a family member will have access to their phone, as we did for my dad's.

Aprilx · 20/07/2023 05:03

I don’t think you have done anything ongoing per se, but I do think it is very odd.

Aprilx · 20/07/2023 05:03

*wrong not ongoing. 🙄

bladebladebla1 · 20/07/2023 05:31

PurpleChrayne · 19/07/2023 20:14

Just say he or she. The "they" is confusing because it sounds like you're talking about multiple people.

No it doesn't