AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Niggling about whether individual tasks qualify as mental load is not the point. The point is that mental load isn't about the time or effort it takes to physically carry out tasks, it's about the burden of responsibility, which is mental, not physical. Hence the name.

A common example of this is these men who say 'Oh I'd help out, but I just don't know what needs doing, darling. Just give me a list and I'll do it!', thereby delegating all worry, brain space and responsibility to the woman. And no, not all individual tasks involve worry or much brain space, but the combined responsibility for it all can Take its toll, especially on women who are working ft and also somehow still default parent and housekeeper.

it's about the burden of responsibility, which is mental, not physical

Exactly. Think of senior managers in a company. They may not do any more hours than the juniors, but it is recognised that they have a more stressful task as they have to organise everyone else and ultimately the buck stops with them. Mental load means being the “manager” of the family. But without being paid more for it.

Are you the person with ADHD who started the other snarky and goady thread stating that women with children must be brain dead as children are so boring and that people who work in childcare aren't exactly known to be genuises?

Maybe not. It's just striking how rude and lacking in empathy you both are. Maybe it's the impulsivity of ADHD and an inability to put yourself in others shoes that makes you both behave like that.

I understand the idea of what it means, I truly do, but it all just adds up to being an adult

Yes exactly this

Nope can't claim that one

@YeahIsaidit are you in a relationship? Do you have kids? If so how old are they? Are both you and DH working FT?

I think it’s quite important that we have a term for this though I don’t really care what the term is. It’s not that booking one dentist appointment is hard. But that (for me at least) there’s always a few things which I know need to be done that day / week and I have to sort them out and they often need doing at inconvenient times and involve multiple stages. It stops me from ever completely relaxing because it’s always there.

Yesterday, whilst also working 10 hours plus looking after 1 and 3 year old while they weren’t at nursery I booked vaccinations for baby (need to call gp at specific time and spend ten mins on hold); did online food shop; paid window cleaner; tried to send back parcel at two different places both of which had broken evri machine: did form for nursery; bought new art stuff for 3 year old a waterproof; booked someone to clean oven and bought a birthday present for party. None of it is difficult or particularly time consuming but it adds up. There always seems to be about that much stuff to do.

When I was married my husband wouldn’t do any of it or plan anything which was a factor in us splitting. It made for a horrible relationship dynamic as I was always trying to delegate to him rather than him just doing stuff as needed.

My DH " remind me what I am cooking tonight" FFS.

The answer to that would have been look on the fridge/cupboard and figure it out

Have you had a bad day Op ? Do you just need some people to kick? Hope it's made you feel better to be aggressive and snarky to lots of random people. Well done you sweetie. Well done

Calm down dear, it's only a phrase...

But why do people need a term when words already exist that describe tasks quite adequately. It's like (some) women just want to sound like Sisyphus, rolling that big heavy stone relentlessly up and down.

There was a thread on here recently where everyone piled in as they hated corporate wank speak. It was hilarious but quite ironic that people love Mental Load.

Noone in the real world has the foggiest and I think that's where the OP is coming from. She's not denying that stuff happens or that relationships aren't unbalanced but just that it's a wanky term for a certain type of person, like Ricky Gervais in the Office.

Right so he cooks the first thing that comes into his head/ looks most appetising/takes the least time in that moment. Then 2 things may happen ( likely both)

1. The thing which was earmarked for say Tursday night goes out of date and needs to be chucked later in the week hopefully before it has made the whole fridge stink
2. We run out of food on Thursday because he has used the ingredients on Tuesday

Either way it's more work to chuck rotting food out and/ or shop again/ replan. I know that those tasks will fall to me so actually it's just easier to tell him what is on the meal plan he co-designed or write the damn thing on the blackboard which is in fact another task.

You're calling me patronising when using terms like "well done sweetie" I hope the irony isn't lost on you.

How is it patronising to say that mental load is a ridiculous term and that the things that seems to encompass are the things pretty much every adult on the planet has to do to function? Things that have been mentioned on this thread alone:

Grocery shopping, ONLINE SHOP! Not even leaving the bloody house!

Reminding a teen of their work shifts (why?)

Buying birthday cards, presents

Remembering PE day

Organising insurance

Dental/GP appointments

Buying loo roll and bin bags

I mean come on, this is just living and people are whining about it

I’m a single parent with zero help and work FT in a SEND unit.
I also have ADHD and autism.

I find both work and being a parent enjoyable and easy.

I struggle with the fact that I have to juggle everything and that I’m constantly spinning plates and most of it is from menial, day to day tasks.

Cutting the grass of renewing car insurance aren’t physically demanding but they take the biggest toll.

They’re also a part of a long list of other menial tasks which create a mental load.

If you had a cleaner, chef and nanny your mental load would be a lot less than someone who had 4 kids and had to do it all themselves.

That’s exactly it thou isn’t it … a grown up should juts look in the fridge and check but instead they ask you. And it opens up the weird dynamic if either having to be ‘nice’ and tell them or tell them to grow up and work it out, which some people will
then take great offence to… hence the issues.

I have read every single one of your posts in this thread and it is very clear that you don't understand it.

Grocery shopping, ONLINE SHOP! Not even leaving the bloody house!

Actually done on the train to work at 7:30am. Has any man who lives with the mother of his children ever done this on his morning commute in the history of online shopping ? Very few I would guess

Reminding a teen of their work shifts (why?)

I have explained this more than once, I am asking you again do you have a 16yo with a job which has variable shifts and a post GCSE social life ?

Have you answered whether you're in a relationship and have children yet?

Plus he gets the glory of being such a great dad taking them to sports lessons, the unseen bit and the grunt work of getting the kids to that point is not acknowledged.

I had never heard of the term mental load before MN but honestly I really like the word. It perfectly summarises how I feel about these tasks. I think I probably do struggle to "be an adult" as you put it. I just find all the job I have to do to run a house overwhelming. I never did when I was single and before DC, I just did then as and when. But now it's like an oppressive burden than I can never defeat, never win at, but must always attempt. The endless mountains of things to organise always weigh on me and I find it very very difficult to remember them and do them properly. I don't know, maybe I have a disorder!

Yes and no.
I think mental load to me means having the weight of having to do everything for my family, I have to keep note of everything, keep on top of everything, remember everything, plan everything, make time for everything etc.
I personally am not complaining about doing those things. I choose to. Others do not.. and it does bother them.
What annoys me is when people add things like 'doing a load of washing' or 'vacuuming the house' to their "mental load" like no. I agree. THOSE are just chores. Mental load is everything else