AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

I think part of the issue is that in a 2 adult household (so perhaps different for a single parent) the frustration comes when 1 adult is doing all or majority of the adulting, despite a lot of it being beneficial to, or the responsibility of both, and the other one (usually male) either opts out completely, or demotes themselves to junior assistant who needs lots of instructions and/or supervision.

The junior gets to concentrate on work and hobbies , but largely their time and headspace is not interrupted with lots of minor tasks that need doing throughout the day/week/month, and any help will depend on instruction from the "senior" person....who is taking on all the responsibility, without any benefit

The point is that everyone doesn't do it! Largely, women do!
For a large part of adults they just wake up to Christmas magic, presents are wrapped, when a toothpaste is finished a new one reappears, no school admin emails ever find a way into their inbox, towels thrown on the floor are hung to dry. They can even leave children in the knowledge that the mother will pick up the pieces. You are right it should be something that all adults clearly do, but clearly that is not the case.
And society needs the term because we still live in a world where (often not always!) women are blamed when, for example, a family member of blood relation to a husband, doesn't receive a card - woman's fault. Issues with kids? Mothers fault. Man driven to an affair, alcohol or violence or alcohol? Maybe the woman didn't give them the attention they needed.

How do you feel about "life admin"?

Sounds like you haven't heard the term before because you have no knowledge or experience of it being unevenly distributed. Wise up.

Project management is a job that is highly paid in some cases.

This is just project management at home. In addition to having to do tasks, someone has to remember that the tasks have to be done and be keeping track of them all the time.

It seems basic and obvious if you're on your own. If you're in a partnership you might start to realise that the work of keeping of track of which tasks need doing and having to remember to get them done (either by you or someone else) - so basic line management of other people and project management - is falling more on one person than another.

The word mental load simply and succinctly articulates what the extra work is so that we can discuss it.

I think you're spectacularly failing to realise that sometimes only one person in a relationship is doing the vast majority of this work.

That's why we need to be able to talk about it. It's completely unreasonable for someone to get by without doing it at all because they can leave it up to the poor mug they're claiming is their equal partner.

If mental load stuff is so easy, why is partner shit at it?

Don't be such a twat OP

Well I personally wouldn't be happy with my kids going to school hungry and smelly! I'm not a fan of wanky phrases myself but I think mental load is a good one. It sums up the 'hidden' work mainly women do which most men don't have to think about. None of these things are difficult but there are a lot of them.

Yabu

My dh does most cooking and pick up drops offs but I am the one thinking about new uniform / sports kits / parties / presents / booking holiday cover etc etc etc x3 DC

So yeah the task of picking up dropping off cooking is easier

I am a single parent to a working DS, he has an active social life I know who his friends are and where they live. He works 3 days a week and knows when his shifts are and is able to get himself up on time, walking distance from home so doesn't need lifts.

Carrying "the mental load" isn't hidden unacknowledged work, it's living, I know what it is I just think people are using the term either to try and martyr themselves or get some kind of validation from randoms on the Internet for the great work they do of ummm... Being a functioning adult? 🤷‍♀️

I'm sure it's a given that you never feel tired or worn out, since that would be an acknowledgement that the body is just doing its everyday stuff as well and none of us should ever get tired. The brain is a muscle and thinking is work for it; that we all have limits in terms of the energy required for it to function should not be a difficult concept to grasp but I suspect you are someone who struggles to accept that other people are different to you. I think I'm going to use your post as a great example of how invalidation and left brain dominance is experienced by people in relationship with them in my next neuroscience class. Thank you OP.

I imagine your mental load just having to look after yourself, is somewhat lower than someone who has a partner, 3 school age kids and elderly inlaws 😂

Nope, that's not why people use it. They use it to complain that their partner or kid isn't pulling their weight. Luckily for you you don't have that problem.

I am in a relationship just don't live with em and they're not DS's dad. I agree that 3 young kids would be trickier. Elderly in laws are DH issue and DH should be able to look after themselves. A partner that isn't able to function properly isn't very attractive to me but each their own

There are lots of studies available now that validate the reality of mental load, and categorise as the combination of both the cognitive effort and the emotional effort together create mental load. Especially when one bleeds into an other such as being at work but worrying about something to do with the kids.

The existence of 'invisible effort' is contributing to a regression of equality for women and remains a key reason many women stay in part time work.

I think it's great you don't sense any emotional or cognitive load in your life OP, or if you do you don't moan about it as per your point of irritation. Though it's a bit misogynistic to deny it for other women, and a cause of oppression for women as a whole, just because it's been given a name in recent years and you don't buy into it.

It magically leaps into the laundry basket or someone took on the mental load of parenting the kids to teach them to put it there? It magically leaps into the washing machine or it’s someone’s job to have a washing system where you put a load on each day? Who buys the laundry egg/powder/whatever you use and makes sure it doesn’t run out? Who cleans the washing machine filter regularly? Does the kit get tumble dried and who cleans the door filter and empties the water and regularly cleans the big filter? Or does it get pegged out and the line snaps so mending that gets added to the to-do list (who does the DIY? Who’s the keeper of the to-do list)? Who remembers that PE is on X day? Is it on a wall calendar, who buys a new one each year? Is it on Google calendar, who set that up and puts the reminders in? Who remembers to actually put the PE bag in the car/bike/child’s hand for the school run? Who does the school run? You actually were out of laundry powder so who adds that to the shopping list? Who does the online order? Are they doing it from a meal plan? Who writes the meal plan? When are you ordering it for, who’s in to unpack it? Who knows where to unpack it? There’s a deal on laundry powder, you could get 3 for 2 but is it in budget to get 2? Who checks the online banking? Is there room in the cupboard to get 2? There is, but while you’re checking, you’re also running low on dishwasher tablets, better add those to the order, speaking of which, who remembers to put the dishwasher on each night? And clean the filter regularly? And keep stocked up on dishwasher salt and rinse aid?

OK great, so you've discovered that the mental load when you live alone and don't have small children or you have a DH who carries his own share is perfectly manageable.
When people talk about the mental load unfairly falling to women, what they mean is that often women end of having to do all the thinking and planning for themselves (just normal adult life, right!), plus all the child admin, plus carry their DH's mental load, plus hold overall responsibility for the running of the family as a whole.

Assuming you want your family to have a varied, nutritious and healthy diet without wasting food or money, meal planning is not just doing an online shop. Apart from these factors you need to know everyone’s timetable for the week, including any packed lunches etc and also figure out how much time you’ll actually have to prepare each meal.

I haven’t read all this thread but do you actually have a family?

Haha I wrote a really long post but this sums it up tbh

Your name says it all OP. You enjoy being goady.

I have solo parented and I have ADHD and I became unwell with my ‘mental load’ of working and parenting. Don’t care if you don’t agree.

I guarantee you’re a ‘pick me’ person. Well done, have a little medal for coping better than everyone else. Mental health doesn’t choose who it affects, so not struggling with certain things doesn’t make you more superior than the rest of us.

Why don't you think that making every day living tasks that every adult gets on with something more than it is is demeaning to women?

For example

I have to go to work, make dinner and book the dog groomer and check passports for holidays and it's unfair I have to do it all...

You don't think moaning about stuff like that makes people look a bit pathetic?

Strong independent women carrying the household, crumbling over normal adult tasks...

Yes my attitude is putting women down

using the term either to try and martyr themselves or get some kind of validation from randoms on the Internet for the great work they do of ummm... Being a functioning adult?

Isn't it usually the opposite - used for a term to show how someone is failing to be a functioning adult? Usually partners. In my case, it's me who can't carry the mental load.

Well said.

Why are so many people marrying and having offspring with these supposedly incompetent partners, then?

I've had several partners in my long life and never had to carry any "mental load" on their behalf. But then, I'm selective. I wouldn't get involved with a helpless slacker of a man.

Personally I think many people dream up unnecessary tasks and then martyr themselves over it. Or choose partners unwisely, or otherwise create circumstances that they find onerous to manage.

I’ve only got this far in the thread but this resonated with me so much. I have one DC with SN, demanding job, widowed and dealing with my own and both DC’s bereavement. The mental load is absolutely crushing right now. It’s not an about chores. I do all those too. It’s not putting the bins out that’s bringing me close to the edge. It’s trying and trying and trying and things still not getting better that’s doing it. And all that, alone.