AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Yes, I don't like the term "mental load" used here. It's called "life".

There is automation of so much - washing machines, bread-makers, microwaves bills paid online, anything you want delivered to your door. What "mental load"? You just need a wall calendar.

In any house there is a division of labour. Just get it thrashed out early on who does what, and make sure you teach your kids how to clean, cook, do laundry and garden before they go to secondary school so they can have their own jobs in the house instead of being a burden on someone else well into their 20s.

You sound very angry and pent up for someone who finds adult life so easy breezy op. Sure you don't need help carrying some of that mental load? Or is being a massive bitch to people who are struggling and trying to find words to describe their struggles just how you make yourself feel better about your less than desirable life circumstances?

I'm not being a dick to strangers online. I don't like the phrase, said so and why. I think people are ridiculously complaining about normal every day stuff most every adult on the planet has to do and then wanting a pat on the back "for holding the household together" 🙄 the world won't collapse because of an unwashed PE kit, nothing bad will happen if you haven't got bread in to make the morning toast... Its laughable

You seem to be getting very cross about things nobody has actually said.

MIL is nearly 80 a widow and in poor health, she demonstrably is now completely unable to sort out a food shop for 2 meals( this has been recently tried) for 4 people nevermind a week her planning and executive function is simply not up to it. I know from experience that not doing it in advance will cause much more stress and chaos later.

16yo- she has tried to sort out her penalty fare, they won't let her as she is under 18. The shifts tie in with whether it is sensible to stay out again tonight. Like the 80 yo her prefrontal lobes and therefore executive function aren't fully functional (google it) and she still needs (quite normally) some help with this.

Yes I could not do this stuff but life would be :
a) Not as pleasant and
b) seeped in chaos which would ultimately take longer to sort out.

My DF deserves a decent birthday.

I agree work you to some extent OP.

HOWEVER, if I was working FT with a couple of kids and then was in charge of remembering every own clothes day, every car insurance renewal, every playdate, every extracurricular activity, every birthday, every house chore, every MOT and service, every dentist appointment etc it would drive me under.

On top of that, it's not just remembering all these things, it's planning the logistics when the kids have to be in 2 places at once.

All of that would grind me down.

Some women think the answer to that is to find someone who will do 50% of it all, but id guess those blokes are rare. But in this house, that wouldnt have worked cos i wanted to stay off work. I was a SAHM and now am PT since kids in school.

I don't like the term mental load though, but I think it's more than you understand it as.

Mental load is a synonym for cognitive demands.

The coordination of a household and every member in it involves planning, organisation, prioritisation and working on multiple fronts at once (usually, but not always whilst working in paid employment also).

Therefore ‘mental load’ is an accurate description of the the cognitive demands it is used to signify. From a psychology / occupational science perspective.

HTH 🙄

You are definitely the bestest grown up ever @YeahIsaidit and totally not like the other girls!
Well done!!

The phrase "carrying the load" implies you are doing something others are not. So when people talk of the "mental load", it is usually in reference to having to be the person that thinks of and organises everything because others who should be doing so too are not. It's related to partners/kids not pulling their weight, which is a totally reasonable thing to discuss.

Why does it bother you though OP? Can’t you just ignore it and be glad it’s not something that stresses you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not that the mental load a massive task (although some weeks it is, depends what’s on) but it’s constantly there in the back of your brain and it’s unfair that women almost always bear far more of it.

It’s a bit like if the woman always gets up early with the baby (let’s say) and never gets a lie in. You can say “what’s the big deal, you get more of the day, make a cuppa, stop moaning”. Or you can recognise it’s unfair.

As soon as I saw the thread title I thought it Fair Play which DP and I are embarking on now. He does a lot but we have no clearly defined roles and responsibilities so consequently I think of everything instead of being able to just hand it off. I hold 71 cards! The mental burnout is insane.

OP, YABVU. Every time you say “it’s just the dentist” or “it’s just a sports kit” you’re not counting that it’s everything all the time all at once, and that not remembering all the stuff has consequences, and that being the one to remember it all means that you’re also the one in the house that everyone asks questions of so then you have the auditory overload. Yes, every household has to do this shit but taking some off your plate by deciding it’s not worth it, simplifying some of it by changing standards, and sharing it equitably with another adult in the house (or doing it alone if you’re a lone parent but at least you don’t have to be asked questions) means you save hours and hours each week, and the brain fog clears, and you can use your brain for reading books and even writing them, or just staring into space, or whatever.

the world won't collapse because of an unwashed PE kit

You've obviously never had a kid in detention due to no kit, or a child refusing to wear said kit because it was soaking wet. So yeah an unwashed kit can be a big thing. But who gets to remember it needs washing, taking out the washer etc. If you say the child should then who gets to remember to remind the child in the beginning. Because I have never met a child yet who does it perfectly from the first instance.

And your comment perfectly illustrates that you have no idea what the phrase actually represents. So I'm done with this goady nasty thread.

You sound like a peach OP.

I think the term has a value. It isn't usually people just complaining about the admin of their everyday lives. In my experience, it's women saying they carry the mental load in their house of making sure there the basic things like toilet paper, bin bags, making the kids' lunches, gifts for relatives and the like. It's not that this stuff is brain surgery but it does take some toll and it's not fair of one person in a partnership to carry the majority of it especially when often they both work. This is my understanding of the term.

People are explaining what it means and why you haven't understood.

You're ignoring them.

"Mental load" was one of the factors in my divorce, looking back. Not so much the tasks themselve, but the expectation I would do everything, then the lack of acknowledgement that these things are even necessary to make a household function.

Why on earth are you trying to get your kids to wear wet clothes?!

You shouldn't need to remember it needs washing, it's been worn, it's in the laundry basket, it goes into the washing machine. Job done. DC has PE on x day make sure it's done for that day, if laundry is done regularly, it shouldn't be an issue.

I have perfectly understood the term. I just think it's ludicrous

I agree with this. It's a strange term to use. Why use it for household chores/kids etc but not a job.
Some of the things MN's complain of as being too onerous are things that they could easily choose not to do if they wanted.

If you’re single I can see why this wouldnt seem to be an issue - I am too and it’s easier tbh and I probably approach stuff in similar way to you, ie. I just do stuff. I can totally see how it’s galling to have to do this for a partner though. if I run out of loo roll o think - ah you forgot loo roll get some next time, whereas when I was living with someone who would use loads of loo roll and leave one ragged square for me to use I’d be pissed off about it. Having to nag people is infuriating as well. I’m having it at work atm where certain people keep making a mess and having to chivvy them about like kids is draining.

My Ex didn’t think the mental load was a big deal either. He does now 😂

Is it possible OP is just terribly disorganised and doesn’t care, therefore low mental load. So drives around uninsured, kids do no hobbies, go to school in dirty uniform etc??

I work in the Town the special cheese shop is in so DM asked me to do it- I could have said no, but that seems unnecessarily unkind.

I was left to " get on with it " at 16 it was lonely and difficult- maybe your children are younger ?

The Birtday card is minor but I need to remember it and somehow fit it in at lunchtime.

I didn't mention it because it is for me but I also have a dental appointment after work tomorrow and we are going on holiday on Friday.

As far as I know DH's to do list is - pack

YABU, I think it's a pretty fair description

I think u are missing the point. I have a lot of meta load at present and it's absolutely nothing to do with chores. I really wish that is all I had to worry about quite frankly.

Nope car insured, laundry regularly kept on top of so nobody going anywhere in unwashed clothes. That's just a tad grim, there's a difference between being disorganised and unhygienic

Interesting a few superior and sneery posts saying diddles it's part of being an adult.

.....except an awful lot of men seem to "opt out" of this aspect of adulthood...

At the weekend we are going to a party of a friend we have known over 20 years. I asked him today what he thought we should get for their birthday. "I really don't know" was his answer and I imagine he won't give it another thought, until 7pm the day if the party and ask if "we" have a card or present.

I'm curious to know how this plays out in same sex couples as its most common for the woman to bear the mental load