AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

I find organising and remembering things easy but it’s not hard to realise and accept that others struggle with it OP. Some people genuinely don’t cope well with it. Why does that matter to you?

Quite

It's not a matter of "luck."

People choose their circumstances.

Well your problem is there is a lack of delegation - or doing too much for other people.

Sounds like your 16 year old and MIL could do more for themselves.

@Goldencup but why do you need to keep track of a teenager’s work shifts on their behalf? If they’re old enough to have a job they’re ads old enough to keep track of their own schedule.
You’re taking over tasks unnecessarily and then complaining about it.

She picked him.

Why not hold out for a more proactive and responsible man, if it's that big a deal?

Look OP the majority of us seem to understand the term as being much more than just housework and these tasks are multiplied depending on a number of factors like how many kids you have/where you live/whether you work etc. So we will just keep using the term and you don't have to. Agreed ?

@YeahIsaidit - you sound resentful that you need to carry the mental load alone as a single parent. I think it’s great that you’re managing so well - but your personal experience doesn’t invalidate the very real one that many women (single or partnered) go through. If you don’t like the term “mental load” what would you rather it be called? Personally I find it a very accurate and helpful description for the disproportionate planning, monitoring and evaluating (usually) women need to do to keep households running. Even if you don’t like the phrase I hope after reading some of the responses here you at least understand the concept.

But everyone is different, well done
you for not struggling and not finding things hard especially when you’re a single parent. But you create an obviously goady and antagonistic thread based on what you have read on here, of course people are going to jump on and defend themselves, or are you unable to understand this?

I’ll just add, not everyone’s ‘mental load’ is the same. Some will obviously be more to do than others. And there are people who I know who love being on the go and busy all of the time and people (like me) who need quiet reflective time and don’t get the desire to be always doing something.

What line of work are you in and how old is your child if you don’t mind me asking?

I dont think people are complaining that they have a high mental load. When you work and have kids with hobbies for example it's a given that you have to make sure their uniform is complete, fits, clean in time for whatever activity, they have the right kit / consent forms, their subs are paid for the month / term, you have arranged any lift shares with friends, you have encouraged your child to practice between sessions if needed, any badges are sewen / stuck on, you've reminded your child to pack a snack that they can eat on the way etc etc etc.

I think when people complain about the mental load they are usually complaining that they do all the above, but their lazy partner will say 'what time is Cubs / swimming etc' and give them a lift there / back. They are frustrated that their partner doesnt see all this unseen work which can add up and thinks they've done their share by getting in the car for 15 min.

So it's not the mental load that people generally struggle with. It's the fact that it's often not shared equally by the supposedly equal other parent

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

"People choose their circumstances."

Absolutely not always the case. I did not choose to have a disabled child who requires loads of appointments and endless admin and meetings. All of which falls on me not his father who walked away because it was too hard for him.

To generalise that people choose their circumstances is ignorant

DH once asked me to see one of his clients because he needed to work late (we work at the same place) I got in at 6pm.
He had already asked me to run an errand (which would take at least 30 minutes) and both DC needed taking and/or collecting from activities, and we all needed dinner. Apart from seeing the client literally none of this would have occurred to DH because he was concentrating on work. (No laundry, birthday cards or dentist appointments involved)

I wondered the same. Much of that list was discretionary/self-inflicted.

I think that generally, they do. There are exceptions.

Sorry for your difficulties.

So the problem is you’re married to an arsehole?

really? i chose to be a divorced survivor of DA with a disabled child did i?

I dislike the term too, so YANBU. I do get what it represents though and can’t think of a better term for what it describes, so I put up with it.

There may well be some posters who use the term to mean coping with the average day-to-day. But even then, I think there's no need to be so condescending about it. Different people can cope with different things.
I generally don't feel I struggle with a mental load day'to'day, but I have beenn through times where I have. For example, when one of my children went through a period of very poor mental health. My husband would carry on as normal, without thinking through all the additional things that needed to be put in place for us to be able to do a normal day (normal was no longer possible as we had to do a lot of adapting for our child). He might have accepted a family lunch invitation an hour's drive away, without thinking about or checking timings (it used to take this child up to 3 hours to get ready due to anxieties and sensory problems, and that's if the softest clothes were available to wear, after a week of school and other activities, all of which needed extra thought during this period), or he might have offered a lift to someone from somewhere, without thinking about the fact that the car needed to be home for someone else to be taken somehwere. I don't know - I'm probably not making very good examples. Certainly, how I understand it, usually, is that it describes a situation where one partner (not always the woman) has to think about every tiny detail for the entire household, including contingency plans etc. while no one else does.

A lot of this you've brought on yourself, if your 16yo can have a job they can remember when their own shifts are, you don't need to do this.

Buying a birthday card? That's included in this mental load charade?

Your DM can't go to the special cheese shop for the special cheese because??

I'd agree that your DH has done the lions share as so far you've sat and thought about things

Oh dear. You get more dense with every update.....

You obviously do because being a dick to randoms online because they disagree is pretty childish. If you don't like the term mental load don't use it.

I think it’s quite a useful term. Some people have much more straightforward lives and jobs than others though

And yes I do find being an adult hard at the moment because of circumstances, I’ve found it much easier at other points in time!

I agree. Only heard on MN (along with life admin).
Back in the real world it’s called being an adult.

OP you are intentionally being rude, and derogatory to people on here.

Just because it isn't a mental load to you, and you breeze through life without a care in the world, doesn't mean other people aren't struggling. Like how some people fall into depression when shit happens in their lives and others don't. That's the joy of this world, everyone is an individual and everyone has different mental capacity to cope with life.

Stop being a bitch.