AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Yes I do work FT

Mental load perfectly encapsulates the relentless tediousness of it all.

I like the phrase. It sums up nicely the dozens of monotonous things that I'm the only fucker in the family who remembers need attention.

Why do you have such a nasty attitude, OP? Perhaps the mental load is taking its toll after all

Or maybe we just didn’t procreate with man-babies who are somehow capable of holding down a professional job but somehow totally incapable of knowing when their children finish school or how to pack a nappy bag.

Tbh, given the anger and annoyance in your posts it is clear something is getting to you. Most likely the weight of the mental load you're carrying for your household!

Maybe todays just an off day, but there's definitely something bigger here that's made you come to mumsnet to vent your frustrations by belittling and being downright rude and horrible about people who choose to be open with their struggles.

You're clearly not coping as well as you think you are

I’m not dismissing them, but explaining why it isn’t a drain on my mental state.

There is a lot of martyrdom on MN, buying MIL gifts because “if I don’t who will?”. In the vast majority of cases, there’s a mental load because it’s allowed to happen

Mind you, I hate people who say "I cringe" about things.

Is it not a case of someone people are just very good at organising, planning, remembering, multitasking, form filling and have no significant stresses in life, so it is part of their normal function and doesn't caught them a thought?

Whereas some others don't like or struggle with some of those tasks, have additional competition challenges and demands on their time, need support but it's not available etc.

People have different circumstances, resources, demands, skills and freedoms.

If you are lucky enough not to have or understand a mental load fair enough but don't be dismissive of those in a different position.

Planning is only part of it though. Apparently you aren't understanding it fully either

Its a term which serves its purpose clearly for me. There’s a difference between chores/life admin and the mental load. If a friend started sharing that she was struggling with the mental load I would immediately know what she meant and the context, compared to if she she just said she feels busy with household chores.

Language evolves constantly and new terms are introduce d into the popular lexicon. I can’t imagine getting worked up about it. Just don’t use it if you don’t like it. Easy peasy.

Sounds like you don't have much of a mental load. Good for you.

There have been times in my life that I've been on fire managing kids/home/work/life. Loved the organising and planning of it. Everything scheduled, actioned and enjoyed. Despite having a thousand things to do I didn't feel overloaded.

Right now, for reasons I'm not going to go in to here I'm feeling crushed by it. Paralysed so badly by the weight of everything that needs doing that I am just about managing the basics.

You have no idea what others have to deal with, but you crack on being judgemental.

I think "life admin" is a better term.

So, you're the brains of the operation at your house, then?

How fortunate.

We need a female version of the word "Dadmin". 😂

I don't think the term 'mental load' is saying that these things are hard or abnormal or 'gargantuan'. That's a bit of an extrapolation on your part.

The fact is that someone in a household has to do these things, and it helps to have a label for it, because the reality is that quite often, men do not do it, and don't particularly understand that it needs to be done.

Having a label for it helps to explain that it's a thing - because it is a thing - and it's a pain when you are the only one in the household doing this planning and 'life admin' (probably another term you hate, sorry!)

YABU. It's about thinking ahead, not just doing 'stuff'.

Its bitchy of you to start this thread not long after this thread was posted. No doubt you'll pretend not to have seen it
"https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4852664-to-want-dh-to-understand-the-mental-load

Ah, so a man's poor behaviour is his partner's fault for having a baby with him. Gotcha.

I think the OP is being goady.

Yup

Well, I agree with that. The whole present-giving rigmarole is one that most people could let drop. I’m also regularly amazed by the crapness some women are willing to put up with.

I positively enjoy running the house and find it satisfying, so I’m perhaps an outlier on this thread.

@YeahIsaidit to be honest you sound like my Ddad, he doesn't understand "mental load" either but that's because he's never experienced it. My DMum does it all. I honestly can't believe you don't understand what the term means but then I think this is becoming a really goady post.

I would say life admin is more dental appointment, paying energy bills, car insurance and mot.

Mental load involves much more, it's the hidden, invisible glue that holds the smooth running of the house/family together.

The phrase "mental load" might be irritating but you are making a whole set of assumptions about what "mental load" constitutes and seem to take as read that yours is the same as others.

People often say things like "how hard is it to pay bills and then book a dental appointment?" The key point about mental load is that in the vast majority of cases it applies to women who have children AND full time jobs but who find mysteriously that the entire burden of planning anything relating to the home or management of the family falls to them on top of the job and the children, while the man is doing little or none of it. So maybe "resentment load" is a more accurate phrase.

So yes it might be relatively easy to book a dental appointment or get your car serviced or take your pet to the vet in an average day if you are a SAHM or if you work PT or (in very rare cases) when your male partner is as engaged as you are.

Of course traditionally a lot of that would have been a "woman's job" while the man went out and earned the bread. In many modern households both partners are working, so the woman has taken on a decent share of the financial heavy lift and people have made peace with this and accept it. But the shift that has yet to occur is that the man has barely made inroads into the other stuff which needs to get done to make the wheels of life turn.

Taken individually, remembering to buy a present for the teacher or paying the cleaner or taking the car for a service may not be onerous in themselves. What's onerous is the fact that in many households one person is doing all or nearly all of this on top of being a mother and having a FT job. The "mental load" "or "resentment load" element comes from the fact that there's so much to stay on top of that the person who is managing this (usually the woman) can't let up for a second in case anything slips. While the man can afford to merrily forget the school play/dentist appointment, safe in the knowledge that his missus will pick up the slack.