AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Well yes quite! That's what I meant.

I think it's more about the quantity of tiny tasks AND things that aren't tasks exactly, but just ongoing problems - getting help for DC with SEN / MH problems, shit like that. It's actually not as simple as picking up the phone and making an appointment and it's easy to tie yourself in knots trying to figure out a solution when there isn't any help / money, or you keep going but you keep hitting brick walls. It's when you are the only one actually thinking about solutions on a continual basis.

That's what I take it to mean, the monumental task of being, or at least feeling, responsible not only for chores but for absolutely everyone else in the family's wellbeing on all levels.

This.

Coping strategy is take bad mood out on easiest target, which always ends up being another woman.

Each thing might take minutes, seconds even.
But that's not the point
Usually one person is remembering and getting on top of multiple small/miniscule tasks on top of their paid work while the other person is oblivious they're happening or gives no head space.
And its not just once a year car insurance or dentist appointments

Maybe this is the problem then. That book refers to, according to Amazon’s description, women doing the work. Maybe it’s a ‘mental load’ because of the negative associations with doing everything.

So if a woman does everything, she calls it a mental load. If I share this 50:50 with my husband it’s fair so I don’t have any negative associations so don’t consider it a mental load. Thus the mental load isn’t actually the admin/chore aspect but the weight of a disrespectful partner.
So I’ll take the kids to the dentist, make next appointment, put in calendar and I have a discussion with my husband about who does the next one. Meal planning, we sit together for five minutes and discuss our plans for the next week and what meals to have on what day and who will cook. There’s no mental load because we’re taking a equal part.

This. YABVU and even more so for pissing all over your fellow women.

Nope, just slightly bemused by several different posts and threads moaning about what is pretty much just living like a normal adult as if they're hard done by. Remembering what day pe kit needed, get a calendar if you can't remember a day or 2 in the week, car insurance coming up, the letter reminding you has all the details, dc have a birthday party to attend, the invite will be a big clue.

Who buys and wraps birthday presents? Who nit combs? Who knows when the nativity play is? Who knows which other parent can be called on to do a school pick up in an emergency? Who knows what size everyone's shoes are? Who knows where the birth certificates are? Who changes beds?

I would define 'mental load' as being the one that has to think of everything so your partner can concentrate fully on his job without being distracted by domestic issues, logistics of travel and holidays, relatives birthdays, Xmas and other events, all school admin, social life of kids, health admin, banking, savings, bills etc. It is a fuck of a lot. If you don't agree with the word 'mental load' can you supply us with a better expression?

You can hate the term of you want. You can’t stop other people using it though. So probably best not to waste a lot of time hating it too much.

Is this a thread about a thread? Since there is a thread in AIBU wishing that the authors husband would understand her mental load. I thought threads about threads were not the done thing.

In any case - its pointed and unpleasant to start this thread when another poster has referenced mental load in her thread title.

So what, the people that use the term mental load are doing life wrong somehow? And you're doing life right because it's a non issue for you?

In a family, there's way more to be done than booking a dental appointment. For everyone to be where they need to be, on time, with the correct stuff, fed three times a day, with the correct clean clothes to wear, in a vehicle that is taxed, road legal and insured takes a degree of planning. The degree of planning has been named the mental load.

You only have to look on here to see how many people are remembering their partners family birthdays, buying the gift, wrapping it and posting it to see that this particular load isn't often shared equally among the adults.

But instead of running the term down, tell us how you deal with your mental load so that we can all be more like you, because it sounds like you don't have the mental load and I want to know your secret.

The thing is there's lots of 'life admin' that women and especially mothers do that many men do not. Many men do coast through on the unspoken expectation that their wife will take on the bulk of the childcare, appointments, housework, grocery shopping, bill paying, school runs, school interactions, playmates, caring for parents and elderly relatives, managing sick days, never mind things for herself and her full time job if she works. It's not equal and mental load refers to the continuous effort women need to make at their own expense to keep everything running. And you say boohoo but when you consider that men who live with women live longer on average, but women who live with men die younger on average its not the nothing you dismiss it as. My dh goes out twice a week and it's fine no biggie, I have to plan to leave the house and my dh is very hands on and generally we do try hard to split things equally but it's the reality.

Yes I thought this too. Bit of a shitty thing for OP to do.

They had said in latest post they're sick of seeing posts about it so I assume it definitely is about todays post.

Nothing like kicking someone when they're down!

YANBU OP.

So often I see this term as well as 'life admin' being bandied about as though it's a full time job. I recall a poster , once, wanting a day off from work to do all of these tasks.

It's just life stuff that you'd do if you were living on your own anyway.
Your partner can organise their own life admin.

If you have children , you share life's admins and the mental load.
If you work fewer hours, then you do most of it.
If you work more hours then your partner does more of it.

Putting uniforms out , paying for children's school dinners and buying party presents is part and parcel of parenthood.
If you're a single parent with most or all responsibility the it falls on you.
If you're a couple, you share the responsibility.
If your partner is in a job where they're barely at home or works away then you do it.

They're just things that you deal with in life.

If you have a partner, who works from home and has 'hobbies' but won't deal with any of these tasks then you have a problem with your partner.

In my house we buy and wrap presents for own sides of the family. For the children we will plan it together a few weeks before.
Both have access to school calendars and would book time off work if we wanted to go.

Whoever is free would take the child shoe shopping.

We both know where important documents are kept.

We both do the bed depending on who’s about.

DS sports club were looking for a parent to organise the sports team for DS age category. I said I didn't want to do it. DH said we'll do it together.

My role: set up a WhatsApp with all the parents, found out when the match dates were, emailed other clubs, sorted out a team and rearranged if the original date wasn't mutually convenient for both clubs
DH role : take DS and possibly other team mates to venue, (after asking me multiple times what day/date/venue was) referee if needed, fill in score sheet and give back to me to submit results.

X post. You have a calendar.

I too have a calendar. No other ducker checks it. I can put all the birthday parties in the world in there. No one else will think of, buy and wrap a present in time for that party. It being in the calendar doesn't reduce the tasks associated with it.

I actually think what you don't like are partners who don't look at calendars, don't buy gifts and don't wrap them without any prompting. And I think most of us would agree with you there!

It's just complaining about normal living and giving it a heavy title to justify the moaning. FWIW single parent nobody to share this god awful mental load with, maybe I'd be less unpleasant and snarky if someone else knew when things needed washed and figured out what to make for dinner 🙃

This^^

YABU OP

Im not sure if you’ve misunderstood or this is a deliberate attempt to put women in their box by someone less than well intentioned.

It’s really important to learn give things like this a name - it’s fine if you’re living on your own just to do all these things and think nothing of it, but once there’s a family to plan for, it’s work that someone has to do. Giving it a name is the first step in making sure things are appropriately shared out.

No other fucker, obviously. I have a new phone. It doesn't know I like to swear yet.

@Defaultsettings Good. I suspect you are quite unusual, though!

I think the PP who said maybe it refers to the fact that it's felt as a burden because it's not in any way shared has a very good point. Being the most generous I can possibly stretch to, perhaps the OP is in the fortunate position of having a small, easy family where her partner genuinely takes on some of this stuff as well. She's already "bemused" so just waiting for the "bafflement" now....

Yes this! Two partners work full time in paid jobs. One gets to concentrate souly on that job, the other does their job and also works out how to get everything else done, its basically unpaid project management that they squeeze into their lunch hour and evening. Its not doing chores.

The mental load is really heavy for some.
Especially if they're working and having to do ALL the parenting and ALL the household tasks and everything else.