AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

We're vilified? Jesus, I don't feel that way

Oh you don’t feel that way, just like you don’t believe there’s such thing as a mental load that affects women and causes by men. You are very insular.

So it is only a thing in relationships? Only coupled up people have to anticipate the needs of others?

Your posts are making me think you're bitter after being screwed over by men to be honest. Saying they're only looking for other mothers and until they find one their own mum does everything for them, men in your eyes are incapable of doing anything for themselves.

I think the sum total of what's being argued is that single people have no mental load and are either perfectly capable of everyday life or are having it all done for them by their own mothers (mental load).

The moment single people are part of a couple, the man stops doing anything for himself and the woman does it (mental load).

So mental load is only a thing when you're doing it for someone else, and the only people who have a noticeable mental load are mums with partners and multiple children.

I've sort of come around to the notion that mental load is only a thing when you're doing shit for someone else, and single people don't experience that. I wish it weren't so dismissive of the scary reality that single people experience of having to carry everything themselves and be the only thing between themselves and homelessness, but I guess that's different.

I do ultimately think though that if men are this bad en masse then there needs to be a better way for women to raise children, or perhaps women just should stop bothering with the whole thing and stay single.

It's other posters saying that men are absolutely useless and can't do anything for their kids or themselves so by that logic a single dad that is must be a miracle

men in your eyes are incapable of doing anything for themselves.

Not ‘in my eyes’, in reality. Many men actively chose to delegate all familial and household responsibilities to women wherever possible. Most men do look to be mothered their whole lives. There is a reason for it, until very recently societal expectations were that the woman looked after the home and the men provided the money. It’s only very recently in our history that men have been expected to pull their weight in all aspects of life and many cannot deal with it. In the past women couldn’t say to their men to think about doing an equal share of chores or child rearing (especially without being told to) because a woman’s whole means of living depended on looking after a man. It’s only very recently that women have reached a position where we can say ‘buck up or fuck off’, that the balance is changing and women don’t need men anymore. If we want one they should be bloody honoured and do everything in their power to show their worth to be kept.

Men as a general group are fighting this change with their whole worth, bemoaning that they don’t know what ‘it means to be a man anymore’. What they mean is they don’t understand why they can’t just go to work and switch off the moment they come home, only be occasionally nagged by ‘the old ball and chain’. It’s not simply a view pulled out of thin air, it’s the experience of many many women, and in the next few generations I think we will see this being reflected in society as a whole. I think it’s about to be incredibly rare to see a woman settle with one man for life, and we’ll very likely see many women choosing to be perpetually single later in life.

Yep, it's condescending AF for single parents that have to manage a family in their own. It's no walk in the park.

Doing things for your OH is called marriage, it's having their back and a reciprocal thing. It's not a load but a genuine pleasure.

Doing 'everything' for your OH is a shit marriage and a problem that needs to be solved. I've conceded that some would prefer to grapple with semantics and that's fine. I prefer to not waste my time and just get the hell on with it, solve the problem and move on. The main difference it seems is that some women are proactive and other reactive or just plain passive.

Gerrataere
There's a really interesting thread going at the moment about more women choosing to remain single. Part of the early discussion was about many women finding that they're happier and better off single than dealing with the low bar expected of male behaviour in relationships.

It's interesting, and in line with what many have said on this thread, that a number of posters have decided they'd not go back to having a relationship if they were single/since becoming single they have no desire for the extra wifework that seems to come with a lot of relationships. Another poster observed that more women are happier remaining single post-relationship but a lot of men seem to want to jump straight into lining up their next girlfriend.

Again, trying to fix things when we are NOT talking about the solutions. I KNOW the solutions. You literally go through my examples as if you can tick them off, when that’s not what this thread is about. You claim the term “mental load” is nonsensical and that it’s “just life” and seem to infer people are weak for using it.

We are not talking about the adult solutions the vast majority of us come to even whilst feeling the mental load. We still function. You’re missing the point and I don’t need your solutions as I’m an adult and already know them. I’m talking about the FEELING of being overwhelmed. The feeling of PARALYSIS it can bring and the WEIGHT of that feeling.

HOW IT FEELS is the point. Not that we don’t carry on adulting despite it.

And I’m sure all the people on here who feel do the mental load, are now much better for being told your solution of “sitting fretting about stuff doesn't get anyone anywhere”. An easy fix for our worries and how we FEEL 🙄

Ironic considering most people with ADHD like you state you have understand well the concept of feeling overwhelmed yet you don’t seem to be able to conceptualise it at all. Odd that.

Thanks for this. Many don't seem to get that i (and other single parents) have all the things that other mums do, but alone, nobody to give off to nobody there to pick up this load. Just me. Pps have mentioned promotion opportunities of husbands effecting them and the household, if husband is sick and can't work that jeopardises things. If I get sick I'm fucked, nobody to keep the house afloat with their wage, nobody to pay the bills, do the shopping, keep my son fed and clothed. But hey sure pile on because I think you're being ridiculous giving an important term to normal every day house and parent things because you have lazy spouses

You are still not getting it. No one is putting down single parents, I am one myself. My children are autistic and need far more help and care than a typical child on top. Yet my life is still easier as a single parent doing everything than being with a man who also expects me to manage his life/home/mess on top of everything else that life throws at you. That these men do it deliberately as they believe it’s a woman’s duty to take care of the man/children/house chores and admin. It’s the frustration of dealing with everything whilst having no recognition that you are because you are supposedly in a relationship with a grown adult who should be easing the load not adding to it.

Thanks for the advice @YeahIsaidit !

For me it comes down to recognising that when I procrastinate, it’s probably because emotional needs are not being met, and so not giving myself a (further) hard time.

Yes I’m a single mum, but I only have one school age kid so need to do better.

You just aren't hearing what's being said. Despite what's written down. That's not what anyone is saying at all.

All you're doing is stating "I can't get what any of you are saying, and because I don't get any of the points, there's no points been made...ta da, I'm right"

Which is your prerogative. But nevertheless what's happening.

I’m increasingly reading the ops responses in a Vicky Pollard-esque ‘yer but no but’ voice.

Single parents carry a mental load too. It's shit that they have nobody to share it with.

I know very many couples who say that all the tasks that need to be done within a family are shared equally. I don't think I have ever known one where it really is.

Think of mental load like project managing the tasks / chores / work.

Project managing a single house build (single with 1 child) is easier and simpler
than project managing a new estate (larger family) because there are fewer moving parts to coordinate.

The term mental load has been coined to help people address imbalances in their relationship.

One partner thinks they are sharing things equally because they do the laundry and the dishwasher whilst the other does dinner and hoovering.

If you only see the task itself, on the surface it seems fair.

But in addition to the dinner and hoovering, the partner is also managing the prep for all the tasks.

By being able to talk about the management as well as the actions themselves, couples can split things more fairly.

That’s all it is - nothing to get worked up about. Just a helpful tool for those people that need it.

I'd agree the term is cringe but some people are doing everything for everyone else and it's wearing them down. Also some people do find life difficult.

Lots of people justify PT working in families that can't afford it or SAHM when ££ is tight by referencing the little tasks that make up life.

I once had a friend who said that making pack lunches was a task for the day!.

See also attending kids medical appointments (in healthy children who dont have many appointments) as a reason they can't work.

Doing everything for everyone takes time.

The issue with feeling you’re carrying the mental load in a relationship is that you feel like you’re the only one doing everything when you’re meant to have a partner to help.

For example, my autistic son will dump everything out of a toy box, line up his toys then not put it away. As a single parent I will tidy up because there’s no one else to do it and he doesn’t understand ‘chores’. Yes tiresome and extra work but it’s part of having kids in general. When I was with my ex, our son did this just before I was leaving to take him out. My ex was at home, I went out with our son. When I came back, my ex was still sat on the sofa, not one of the toys picked up and put away. When I asked why they were still out, my ex responded ‘you didn’t tell me to tidy up whilst you were out’. That is the mental load - not only the general chores, but when living with a partner the fact they will not see what needs to be done without being told. Or do it all yourself anyway, which very much negates having a partner at all.

@Gerrataere I do get that. I think my point is that the mental load exists whatever the domestic/familial set up. It only becomes highlighted when there is a reasonable expectation that it be shared. And it isn't. It's the classic "We share everything 50:50. I do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry, he takes the bins out, checks the oil in the car and puts up shelves." Yeah, right. 50:50.

@CurlewKate I think this is what I've been trying to badly articulate for some time.

I can see that having a useless partner actually worsens the mental load, much as it does to have an additional young child.

But I think many - too many - posters on this thread have put people's backs up by saying that mental load only exists for women with partners and more than one child, and/or that mental load doesn't exist or is negligible for single people/women with 1 child.

I know very many couples who say that all the tasks that need to be done within a family are shared equally. I don't think I have ever known one where it really is.

Sharing tasks equally doesn't mean sharing the mental load equally.

I know some couples who would say tasks are split equally because they do a similar amount of chores, but the impression I get from being in conversation is that one person in the relationship does a lot of the mental prep work and the invisible stuff.

I think the mental load can be done equitably and would say that mine and DH's split is fair for us.

We don't sit down and allocate chores/tasks because it's an unspoken expectation that everyone in the house who is old enough to contribute will do day to day chores.

The equitable sharing of mental load is more than who does what individual task. There's things in our household that don't cross my mind because they're things DH is responsible for. The crucial part here is that they're his areas. They're not things he does because I've told him to. They're not things he does and I need to remind him to do. They aren't things that are niggles in the back of my brain where I wonder if he's done them. They are part of his mental load, which means by default they are not part of mine.

Because the mental load is shared equally between us, neither of us is keeping score on who loaded the dishwasher or who put the bins out.

I'd probably feel very differently if the mental load wasn't shared.

I’ve been a single parent with one child and now I’m a married parent with two at home children (the other having grown and left home). And I can categorically say my mental load when a single parent was far less than it is now.

But mental load, pretty much is the managing/organising/thinking for/planning around things that relate to people in your household other than yourself. It's a direct correlation to the number of people.

So, yes, it is far far less if you are a single parent with one child. And if you are a single person with no children, there is virtually no mental load. It's just you, looking after yourself. Don't confuse this with physical tasks. There are still plenty of physical tasks to be done. And as a single parent, you have to do all of them.

But the whole point is it's not the physical task that's the problem. I might not have to put shelves up or mow the lawn, but that physical task does not come anywhere close to the exertion of the daily mental load I do carry. When I was single parent, doing every physical task myself, was overwhelmingly easier than the mental load that comes with 3 more people in the household.