AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Best you hang on to that then. And hoovering.

If you didn't continually cherry pick the trivial sidenotes from a post, you'd have nothing to argue about.

I'll try one more time (heavens knows why, the previous 50 posters haven't got through either)

Hoovering isn't mental load. It's a chore.

Scenario. Jane, my friend calls and says she's in the area for the evening, and we agree it's a great idea for a glass of wine and a catch up at mine that evening. The mental load is, I need to hoover before Jane gets here, but before the children are in bed, but also need to collect DS from his friends house, which must also be done before small children are in bed, but one small child has an extra hour at an activity, which I have to wait around for, so actually I was going to get the food shop done now, but I'll need to reverse those things, and do the shop later. But I was going to combine the shop with picking up a prescription for DD, and the pharmacy won't be open later, so I will have to go in now to get that, and make a double trip later. None of this is actually doing a thing. It's the essential mental juggling required when there are many more people in the family.

Do you know how that would have gone when it was just me and eldest DS? Jane phones. We make the same plan. I do whatever needs doing, without any real thought required, in whatever order, because sole DS is 10 and when I hoover doesn't matter because he won't be in bed, nor cry and need to be settled if it wakes him. There are no other children to wait around for, or pick things up for. I have to think of absolutely nothing, other than, I need to hoover..so I hoover. I just do the physical chore.

And you still maintain that the mental planning for the former scenario is unnecessary. It's just "creating work" so I can moan. (Which I'm not.) Not that the second scenario doesn't require any juggling, because there's nothing to juggle.

So anyone who is single is going to work scruffy, living in a shithole and never having food or toiletries in the house?

Because what many seem to be saying is that there’s no mental load until you’re a couple, and then you have to literally tell your male partner not to wear scruffy unwashed clothes to work because otherwise he’d just not bother. So that mental load is new, to women only. Before then, he was single and had no mental load, so went to work dirty and unkempt.

I don’t see single men behaving in this way, so I have to assume that there is in fact some mental load which they’re carrying out by themselves, just as I am as a single person, managing not to go to work in a state.

So how do these people suddenly lose all ability to dress themselves the moment they shack up? If they’re clean and tidy when you meet them then decide you’re responsible for cleaning them, then that’s utterly bonkers, but that’s the logical conclusion of this argument.

I believe it exists but I do not believe it’s the sole burden of mums with multiple children. I just don’t.

So anyone who is single is going to work scruffy, living in a shithole and never having food or toiletries in the house?

Erm, no, if anything I'm saying the opposite.

Only yourself to think about. Only yourself to worry about supporting. Only your schedule to plan. Effectively no mental load. All makes it a lot easier to do the chores required, again for just one person.

Surely it’s obvious that the more dependents in the house (usually young children), the bigger the mental load? There is just more to organise. Unless what you’re saying is that you think men take on the same share of that organisation as women do?

@fitzwilliamdarcy who looks after the boys before they become husbands? Look at this thread. Any woman here with sons who’s denying the mental load exists are the ones whose sons will be the next generation of feckless men who cannot function as an equal member of a family household. Because they are already subconsciously seeing that it’s a woman’s job to remember appointments, know how to properly clean a house, to buy Christmas and birthday gifts and cards, to check in on everyone’s wellbeing, to entertain guests, to know all the schedules, to see the mess and actively sort it not hope that someone else will magically make it go away….

@fitzwilliamdarcy

I believe it exists but I do not believe it’s the sole burden of mums with multiple children. I just don’t.

It isn't, of course. Most adults (unless they are totally dependent) have some mental load.

I think the phrase is misleading: it's really the resentment of the mental load and the imbalance of the mental load which is critical, as opposed to the mental load itself.

It's this part of your post that's relevant:

So how do these people suddenly lose all ability to dress themselves the moment they shack up? If they’re clean and tidy when you meet them then decide you’re responsible for cleaning them, then that’s utterly bonkers, but that’s the logical conclusion of this argument.

Its the inbuilt assumption that many men have that once they become part of a couple that the woman will by default become domestic project manager. And the subsequent burnout and resentment that the woman acquires when she realises that she is doing the lion's share of this work, which is amplified when she has children because she has far less flexibility in the way she approaches and manages these tasks. I don't only think mental load applies to women with loads of children but it only becomes a source of friction when it falls to one half of couple (not necessarily but in practice almost invariably a woman) to do it all.

I just struggle to fathom how a single person goes from running their own household perfectly well (no mental load) to moving in with a woman and then suddenly being unable to do anything for themselves (huge mental load appears and applies to the woman). But clearly this conversation is one that I shouldn’t be participating in as I don’t have any load!

Because a large proportion of men expect to shed any responsibility for domestic care or life admin once they acquire a wife or partner. In fact in many cases this is their primary motivation for embarking on a relationship (along with sex).

I'd say mental load as single person is pretty non existent. When you get a partner, there becomes shared duties. You don't do two loads of washing, you do combined. You don't send two birthday cards, you send a joint. But the thing is, it usually falls to the woman. And it's a slippery slope to just doing it yourself because 1) at least you know it's been done, and it affects you if it hasn't, and 2) it's more effort to check/remind your partner than just do it yourself. The mental load starts, but it's not huge. It's still very very small, it's two people.

When DC arrives, it's usually the woman staying home, and the "well you're at home, so you should be doing xyz" and this becomes ingrained. Even when she returns to work. Now she's juggling the mental load for two extra people, as well as managing her own life.

Interestingly, should the relationship fail, and the woman finds herself resident parent, with one DC, the reversion to just one person to think of, other than yourself, greatly reduces the mental load. You will often hear a single mother say how much easier her life was once the ex left. This applies much less when there are more than one DC involved.

Mental load is directly related to the number of people in the household.

And the frankly bizarre outcome of this entitled behaviour is to pander to their whims, despite the knowledge of this attitude being prevalent in the male species.

"I just struggle to fathom how a single person goes from running their own household perfectly well (no mental load) to moving in with a woman and then suddenly being unable to do anything for themselves (huge mental load appears and applies to the woman).
Because miraculously things like cooking, washing and cleaning suddenly become "women's
work"!!

@YeahIsaidit Ah thank you for making my life so easy with a series of hints and tips and by missing the point completely. The mental load is THINKING!

You've nailed it. I’m just “DIPPY” as you put it.

Buuuuuut… at least I’m not stupidly refusing to accept that this THINKING to some feels like a weight. It feels like pressure. It feels overwhelming. It feels like a mental load.

Your solutions also seem cold and clinical. Just ask the teen if they’re ok… as if all teens will just tell you if they’re ok and it’s always going to be the truth. Just strim the grass? Easy when I don’t have time yes. Don’t feed guests…. easy if you don’t mind being rude. Just check for the refund… easy but I’ll have to check daily for up to 28 days and might have to file a claim (I’ll add that to my to do list). Just tell DH to call the nurse then it’s off my minds list… easy except for worrying he won’t so he can keep working to put a roof over our heads.

From your responses I pity your lack of emotional understanding. You seem very black and white without acceptance of nuance or variation in how people think. Quite rigid and unable to see that other humans aren’t doing as well.

To me, it feels like a mental load and you don’t get to claim it shouldn’t. Congratulations and thank you for teaching us all your easy fixes.

I just keep trying but I feel like bloody Sisyphus.

But it’s true that organisation is key. And constant decluttering.
There’s no shortcut around the hard work but when you’re ADHDish like I am it’s not easy.

It's not easy at times no, I don't know if it'll help you but what works for me is not deciding right I'm gonna clean the bathroom or do the kitchen etc etc, cos that is boring as fuck. I do a wee bit exactly where I am, then when I move (for example to put something in the bin or taking a cup to the sink) I do a wee bit where I move to, doesn't matter that the first place isn't done, I just keep doing that until I get round the whole house, whirlwind mad not quite conventional style but it works. Exceptions are hoovering/mopping and laundry, I hate laundry, it's probably the easiest thing out of the lot but daaamn, folding and ironing and matching socks (I only do DS's because he cares about matched socks, I do not) are the worst

I'm sorry that your teen isn't honest with you, that must be pretty shit.

Delegate the grass instead of stressing about it if you haven't the time?

You don't have to check every day. Just a few times before the 28 days then?

I'm assuming your DH isn't an idiot who'd ignore the need for medical treatment if it was so bad he'd miss work, I don't understand how all these men are so incapable of even looking after themselves I really don't. What happened?

It's rude of guests to show up expecting fed if not specifically invited for dinner/lunch or whatever else. Sure it's nice to be able to offer a something with coffee or what have you but it's not an obligation.

A lot of solutions are black and white. There can be curveballs and random things that get in the way but they're a part of life and sitting fretting about stuff doesn't get anyone anywhere

No, not “everyone”. Women. The point is the disproportionate burden that falls to women to carry the mental load. This should be recognised. If it isn’t even recognised it will never have a chance of being addressed.

Are you able to tell me how single men and single dad's manage then? Men with ill/disabled partners. Do they all live in filth with dirty clothes, no idea where anything goes and miss every appointment?

@YeahIsaidit Apparently they either look after themselves perfectly fine or their mums sort everything out for them. The moment they’re coupled up, they just stop bothering to remember anything.

She said a disproportionate burden falls to women. Not “literally all women do everything and literally all men don’t”.

Although anyone who’s been out on the dating scene for any length of time will tell you there are an awful lot of men out there who’ll sleep with a single pillow with no pillowcase, have no loo roll on the holder and none spare, and no proper food in the cupboard for breakfast.

It's bizarre, I'll have to tell my single dad friend he's a unicorn and it's a miracle his kids go to school and have clothes that fit. If as I suspect many are saying here, it only applies as mental load when in a relationship and the woman is left to do everything. It's backing up my belief that it's a term created for the sole purpose of moaning about daily tasks

She said a disproportionate burden falls to women. Not “literally all women do everything and literally all men don’t”.
Exactly this.

What's funny is I was talking to DH about mental load and he gets it. Other male friends who share the load also get it.

Funny how the people who apparently don't understand mental load/dismiss it as just life are either lazy ass men or women who think they're so special and not-like-the-other-girls (because the other women are martyrs, oppress themselves, want to play the victim, insert other internalised misogyny here).

You are disproving your own point by continuing to go on about single
men and such. If you see they’re capable of self care when single, why do they not do it when with a woman? That’s the crux, a man is capable of self care/running his own life but chooses not to do it when theres a significant female presence in his life. He will actively opt out of thinking because he expects the woman in his life to do it for him.

No, apparently only women carry a mental load of any kind. Ooorrrr is it only a thing in relationships?

I'll have to tell my single dad friend he's a unicorn and it's a miracle his kids go to school and have clothes that fit.

Well you’d be no different from the rest of society then. A single dad is seen as some holy entity, they are pitied, seen as doing a very hard job, need a woman in their life asap and a very desirable ‘catch’. Single mothers are vilified.

You’re not actually answering any points, your debate skills are very poor. I genuinely believe you’re either male or very young and haven’t developed your critical thinking skills. Do you always think in very black and white terms, only wanting to discuss one or two key ‘facts’ you’ve convinced yourself and choosing to ignore all other discourse?

A mental load specifically becomes apparent and cause of contention when one adult has to not only take on board the ‘general load’ of family and life, but also most of the mental load of another adult who is perfectly capable of seeing/doing these things for themselves but chose to opt out. In most cases it’s men who delegate their mental load to the woman of the family.