AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

I wonder if the posters who feel overwhelmed by their 'mental loads' are list writers. I use my phone for everything; reminders, lists etc. It it the one burdened by my mental load. If things aren't on the phone then they don't happen.

I bloody love a good list.

Nothing more satisfying than crossing things off.

I think written notes in general really help. When we get gift cards or vouchers, I print them out instantly and they go in a wallet. Otherwise they'd get forgotten.

We have a chalkboard in the kitchen.

I have a "to-do" mini book in my handbag and a larger one in the study.

90% of it is still inevitably buzzing around in my head, but it helps serve as a reminder for the smaller things I'd over look.

I absolutely am a list writer but I still feel overwhelmed by it. Sometimes I’d like to punt my phone into the ocean to see if that helps.

When people say that the mental load is shared equally, I always wonder who buys and wraps presents for kids to take to birthday parties. Oh, and who deals with nits.

When people say that the mental load is shared equally, I always wonder who buys and wraps presents for kids to take to birthday parties. Oh, and who deals with nits.
In our house the party present buyer is whoever is going to the shops first, the person who wraps is usually the person who isn't getting DC ready for the party because we almost always wrap last minute, and nits whoever is on bath duty/bedtime that night. It can be either of us.

Whoever is taking the kid to the party buys the present (or tops up the drawer of presents if we’ve run out of things to regift from birthday hauls…), supervises DD drawing a card, deals with the RSVP.

Nits we shared the horror though when I was pregnant and couldn’t lean over or sit down or do much of anything DP took over and cured them FOR GOOD.

However we’re quite unequal in mental load simply because he wants to report everything to me. I’ll read the meters and get on with my day; he’ll renew the insurance and send me 10 texts about it and mention it over dinner. I don’t care! That’s your admin! Stop putting it in my brain! We’re working on this dynamic: sometimes maturely, sometimes me shouting “Keep it to yourself or I will tell you about the reconfirming our 30 hours childcare code renewals every 3 months, IN DETAIL!”

However most importantly he has proved a more effective nit control squad than me so he may win that task from now into forever, amen.

I understand that for people on a very limited budget it might be more tricky but how hard is it to buy a present. It literally takes a couple of mins online. Buy a gift bag and you don't need to wrap it. Have a stack of generic birthday cards in the house or get the kid to draw a card.

This is a perfect example where some people seem to want to make life difficult for themselves.

However, nits is a good example of something that takes up loads of time! We were lucky that we only got them once and that was when my husband was away so I had to deal with it.

I think a lot of the disagreement on this thread comes from knowing what a poster means according to your own situation.

See when I read the "buys and wraps presents for kids to take to parties" I'm not thinking of the actual task, which quite correctly, takes 5 mins online to order the gift, and then wrap in the paper we've already got. That's the bit with almost no thought required.

I'm thinking, I'm the one who thinks to check the kids bags for party invites, and respond. The one who knows another one of our DC has a dance lesson then, so is the party a "drop and leave" or am I expected to stay, in which case, need to make sure DH is free that day to do the dance lesson, or find out if DM can do it. The one who then finds out what the birthday boy is into, in order to buy something he'll like. The one who knows DD has grown out of the two party dresses she usually wears so I'll need to get another one by the weekend. The one who is thinking that DD will eat an early lunch at the party. But DS won't, so I'll do his lunch earlier, so then they will both be ready for an earlier tea. Oh, and buy and wrap the present.

None of this is difficult, or unachievable. But it's all the extra bit that is not just choosing to make extra work, but unavoidable. And a large amount is also non existent if I only had DD. Yes I'd still have to check for invites and get a new dress. But no juggling the logistics of where the second child is. No having to find out in advance if I need to stay or not because it affects the other child if I do. No alignment of when they eat so ones starving and the other isn't hungry. Incidentally, we have a 3rd DC. So logistically chuck that into the mix as well.

I know my mental load will reduce in part as the DC mature. With their increasing independency, there's less for me to think on their behalf. Right now, it's not something they are capable of, because of their age.

I think just because you can describe a physical task in two words, this doesn't really address the mental load surrounding it, for those the mental load affects the most.

@TwinsPlusAnotherOne
I'm thinking, I'm the one who thinks to check the kids bags for party invites, and respond. The one who knows another one of our DC has a dance lesson then, so is the party a "drop and leave" or am I expected to stay, in which case, need to make sure DH is free that day to do the dance lesson, or find out if DM can do it. The one who then finds out what the birthday boy is into, in order to buy something he'll like. The one who knows DD has grown out of the two party dresses she usually wears so I'll need to get another one by the weekend. The one who is thinking that DD will eat an early lunch at the party. But DS won't, so I'll do his lunch earlier, so then they will both be ready for an earlier tea. Oh, and buy and wrap the present.^

I don't know. I'm still not convinced . None of that apart from buying a party dress takes more than a passing thought though and even buying a party dress is something I would normally be able to work around or just not care about.

Mental load is fake news, sorry everyone! We all have mental loads to deal with and we need to look at other people's perspectives as well. This is all so narrow minded and just normal tasks of life.

Wow, if this is a mental load then that's incredible. Get a grip!!!

Aaaah this and your last post, thank you. It's all normal every day shit and the examples given and the crap that people are giving out a bit, it's living!! Real life, normal every day shit, but you have to use your brain a bit and somehow that's hard??

About*

Also living or unnecessary shite that is ridiculous to whine about because you're just creating problems for yourself.

"Mental load" like you want a pat on the back or sympathy for being a normal adult 🙄

If anything in that post - cleaning the kitchen, dishwasher, lifts, buying bedding etc Is much more effort than buying cards and rail tickets!!!

Just goes to show what more can be done when just crack on with it, rather than moan and wallow on Internet forums.

But they thought about things and told other people what to do, rather encouraged a 16 year old to pack their own stuff. Heaven forbid, the struggle that must be almost makes me need a pint myself just thinking about their thinking 🙄

It's so damn petty

Discussions about the mental load usually relate to inequality of labour between couples OP
Maybe this isn't an issue for you.

Is it a stupid phrase made for people to give off about inept partners or not?

It's no more than a "passing thought" that there will be another child required to be in another place, simultaneously?

Ok.

It’s about having to carry a lot of info and responsibility in your head. Not writing the B’day cards, but remembering it’s a birthday, buying the card, posting the card.

It’s an apt description.

You’re not necessarily BU, you’re just missing the point. Possibly deliberately

Is there a reason you appear on so many posts where women are discussing their difficulties and further belittle the women? You appear to really dislike women in general, compared to men.

A search via username is enlightening.

And for those with, say 4 children, but no partner? They will have a large mental load.

I can't believe after this many people spelling it out to you, you still claim to be unable to see it. And if you can't understand it, it absolutely doesn't exist, as you've told us all.

I fail to see what you are gaining from this thread.

“I can't believe after this many people spelling it out to you, you still claim to be unable to see it. And if you can't understand it, it absolutely doesn't exist, as you've told us all.”

This. Since the OP doesn’t feel it then it can’t be true and everyone rude is wrong apparently 🙄🤷‍♀️