AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

But isn’t that the whole point? That it refers to anticipating and catering for the needs/ requirements of other people so if you’re single or even a couple it doesn’t really apply. It’s when children come along that all the organisation etc is required.

YABU and missing the point of the phrase

@fitzwilliamdarcy it's really down to circumstances. Adults can absolutely have significant responsibilities and stress that aren't child related. I think the reason it is linked to parenting is children have a lot of life admin and it's the parents (or parent) that manage that. Also parents often don't get time to manage the load.

Henpeck, micromanage, nag, moan – it’s misogyny bingo!

So if we see something that needs doing, we should just do it – reinforcing the idea that it’s our job to do it, and preventing our partners from noticing it needs doing, because hey, it got done. And we shouldn’t ever henpeck micromanage nag moan suggest they do it, because that will reinforce the idea that it’s our job to manage it getting done. And if we don’t do it, the world won’t end, even though our child is the only one without a world book day costume/enjoys getting exercise in PE and doesn’t want to be left out/manages the day better on yoghurt or porridge but had to have insubstantial cereal.

There are shit partners, yes. But there are also partners who have stumbled into roles alongside us where we’re all
unconsciously imitating traditional gender roles, often starting in maternity leave – because why not do the dishwasher and clean during the baby’s nap, since you’re home, and it saves doing it later when you’re both home in the evening.

And I agree to some extent there’s an element of “if you always remind, the ingrained habit is that you’re the house manager with the mental
load, and the partner does what he’s told”. Patterns lots of us are trying to break – and a great way to break those patterns is to open a discussion with your partner about it all, maybe using a useful phrase known to all (all beyond Mumsnet, even!), such as, it’ll come to me… “mental load”. You’re mistaking discussion of the mental load for whinging, in the same way you’re mistaking asking your partner to do X for nagging.

I get that managing a household of 4 is harder than a household of 1, but I also think that people seriously over-egg the pudding. It reminds me of when SAHMs say they're a nurse, chef, chauffeur, teacher, and management consultant etc. Or when someone says that doing the "life admin" is a full time job.

I'd say most people complaining are working mums doing this on top of their normal jobs , as of course single working people do. But I've just checked my emails and most of them relate to school or after school activities. And I only have 2 NT teens but there's still a decent amount of admin to do with them, that I simply wouldn't have as a single person w/o children. All need reading, replying to and acting upon. And that's as well as my evenings and meals being planned around who's in at what time, where they need to go, what time they can be collected, what kit they need etc.

It absolutely applies in a couple or even a houseshare because there are still shared responsibilities: reading the meters, setting up direct debits when you move in, cleaning, food shops and meals, pets if you have them, MOT and other car stuff. It’s a lighter load than once kids are in the picture (though not if you have caring responsibilities for elderly parents, for instance), but it’s still there. You could still have the partner who does the lion’s share and the partner who coasts blissfully unaware that dishwashers need rinse aid and the tumble drier has a water drawer to empty.

I think mums are all those... but you're expected to minimise that into one all encapsulating term "mum"

And just because everyone else also has to do all that and for nobody is there the option of going fuck this really, not if you love your family and yourself...people play games on making other women feel inferior for thinking bloody hell I'm doing a lot ... plus also trying to be a person myself with a career sometimes, or with personal goals and ambitions, with friendships, etc

I don't think we should make it so competitive over who can zip it and crack on the most simply bc all of us have to do it like it's nothing special

and they'd think oh shit, I forgot x, better not do that again due to whatever consequence.

Omg I’m actually howling at this. Literally so deluded. I’ve left my incompetent partner and only in the last two days have had to have another argument about things he’s swore he would do but has not. Not things that affect me but will impact him seeing the children of it continues. The children he swears he would move heaven and earth for. If I don’t continue to engage with ‘micromanaging’ then the children lose on on a relationship with their father, who they love. The consequences are not just for the feckless man in these situations, something you seem to be extremely naive about.

YABVU and rude.

But there are also partners who have stumbled into roles alongside us where we’re all
unconsciously imitating traditional gender roles,

No we all are not.

Great response! The OP’s posts are drenched in misogyny.

Quite obviously the “all” isn’t all people, it’s “we’re all (in this relationship) unconsciously imitating blah blah etc”. I imagine the mental load is quite light if you’re this literal about everything.

But many people who also have children also have elderly parents who at some point need help. Ditto pets. The work that is required to keep a 2 person household ticking over is increased exponentially with the arrival of children.

Schools expect so much from parents these days and even the simplest of activities requires paperwork - multiply it by 3 or 4 and it’s exhausting. Same applies for extra curricular activities, a girl guides trip seems to require a mountain of forms!

Sure, and I get that - I acknowledged that it’s harder to run a household of 4 than 1.

I don’t know, a lot of it just feels like… it’s the resentment at having to look after a spouse and kids. Which I get, it’s tedious and annoying and tiring. But that resentment kind of balloons into this competitive business and micromanaging and justifying that because what’s literally nothing for a single person is now a full time job because a mum is doing it.

I dunno. The resentment I get. A degree of additional work I get. I just don’t think running a house goes from basically no mental load to this labyrinthine impossible nightmare once you have children. I think the resentment makes people want to present it that way, and shout down anyone who has a different experience.

(For avoidance of doubt I have no doubt that it becomes harder, and more stressful. I just side eye some of the examples given - birthday cards, buying an annual calendar, reminding teenagers to wear their chosen shoes and checking they know what their shifts are and so on.)

You are missing the plain and simple truth that language is power.

Having a word for this is a win for feminism because it allows women to easily express exactly what you are saying in your second paragraph here.

It means different things to different people. It's also the small invisible tasks that continually need doing but only get noticed if they don't get done. Cleaning the dryer filter, checking DC clothes still fit and thinking about booking in playdates/activities etc.

I'm lucky that DH is very engaged and he might take them to the birthday party but has he RSVP'd/thought about present/bought present/wrapped present/sorted DC clothes/checked the food for allergies. Every action takes about 5 actions.

It's also about the consideration around a task and the knock on effects but the other adult just sees the black and white outcome:

DH - Of course you can play in the garden right before Mummy is about to leave to take you on the school run and whilst she's trying to get you all organised to go out the door.

Outcome for me to deal with as DH trots off to work - Child gets upset at only being allowed to play outside for 3 minutes. Child can't find bag. Fights with brother over a ball in the garden. Mum sorts out fight. Drives through heavy traffic. Mum arrives at school stressed and late.

DH thinking - But they had a spare few minutes before they had to get in the car?

Family coming to stay for the weekend:

DH thinking - Don't worry. There's nothing we need to do. We'll all just get a takeaway.
Me on the Friday - Change beds/checking breakfast stuff for relative's allergies/buying enough drinks and snacks/making sure things are baby proof/making sure bathrooms are clean/towels ready/checking if their dog is coming as we have a cat etc

It's not a dig at DH but more realising how we each approach the same situation.

It’s the cumulative effect though isn’t it? The calendar one was mine and yes, it’s easy and I just reorder the same Etsy wall one every year. But it’s one more task on a big long list that encompasses so many more things. Everyone here is giving one or two examples but the list runs to 100s of things – the point isn’t the five minutes something takes, the point is the total sum of all those five minutes on top of work on top of wanting to enjoy life, see friends, spend time with your family, self care, hobbies and projects, and not have a constant running Notes app to-do list of all the five-minute jobs.

Spiteful and bad grammar.

Thank you I will use this for my Tinder bio 💅

This thread seems able to be summed up as ‘person without much mental load/life admin/shit to do, doesn’t understand mental load/life admin/shit to do’.

I say that as someone who gets perverse pleasure out of life admin tasks and ticking off the to-do list. Fortunately I’ve made life choices (4 kids, 2 in high level sport so far) that ensure I have a whole tonne of life admin. I also love sorting gifts, so I’m set! I think for many people it’s not actually the tasks themselves that cause stress, but the weight of responsibility and worry about dropping the ball.

I agree it's worrying that is the root cause of a lot of stress.

There's a bit if catastrophising here that the alternative to control freaking is a total break down which is why it's a bit disconcerting when the examples are trivial but yes it's continuous. Once they are gone you think, well that went in a flash, why did I waste any of it worrying about anything.

I probably catastrophised about work more than home and kids as a lack of income (I have always worked precariously) as the main earner, so home was a sanctuary from that and peace mattered more than sweating about the small stuff.

I'd say most people complaining are working mums doing this on top of their normal jobs

Yes quite. This is the punchline of this whole 21 page discussion. Yes everyone has life admin and drudgery and housework and some people find the project management of this stuff much easier than others.

The point the OP and others seem to be deliberately missing is that a large amount of this work now falls to women who already have full time jobs and children to manage while their male partners opt out of it.

It's not the fact that all this "mental load" (or whatever your preferred phrase is) exists. It's the fact that its so unevenly distributed.

Well, that's a relationship issue. Don't pick a slacker partner if you don't want a slacker partner.

Also, long maternity leaves likely establish a pattern of the woman doing most baby care. Not sure how you get around that, as most women I know were adamant about taking the maximum time they could afford. I don't think they would've gone back to work in four or six weeks and turned everything over to their partner to manage autonomously during the working day.

I agree some of the school admin is burdensome. Why do they need the same form filled in for every school trip/activity? Just get the parent to re-sign to say nothing has changed.

Same goes for the GDPR form we had to fill in every year. We didn't. It's fine to say "let is know if anything has changed".

But that is a different issue I think.

I also think that a lot of women bring this on themselves because they want something done a certain way and if the bloke doesn't do it exactly as they want, they are useless. For example, they'll say they can't go out because if they do the kids will go to bed with mis-matched pyjamas. Even if that is true, does it matter? Even a 3 year old will say "silly daddy" if he gets odd socks out for them to wear. Well, some will! Forget the control freakery and go out!