AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Yes, but the alternative is, they don't remember. So the options are, don't remind them and they will not remember, or remind them and have to do that every time, or they won't remember.

You've just described the problem!

Yes, the problem has been created by the person STARTING the reminding and building and reinforcing that habit.

Good boundaries? I don't know but whatever the reason, your post is really snide and uncalled for.

@Scyla I get that it is me choosing to remind rather than risking it not happening.
There have been times I've opted out and left it all to the other person and sometimes am pleasantly surprised, sometimes just mind boggled that they haven't thought of obvious things - like taking drinks.
It's whether it's more hassle to remind them or deal with fixing things that have been messed up.
I will admit there is a crossover of control freakery.

Some people are (deliberately I suspect) missing the point.

Children need medical appointments, dentist check ups, clean uniforms, feeding, their birthday invites rsvp-ing to. A family isn't going to function well in a chaotic household full of filth where the adults aren't capable of taking care of basic needs.

Let's be honest most of the people on this thread are not going to let their children go hungry, be unclean, have terrible hygiene and have filthy clothes because doing that would be shit parenting.

Someone needs to think about everything that is required to run an effective household and raise children. In an ideal world both parents in a two parent household would share those responsibilities equally, but we aren't living in an ideal world.

Society teaches girls and boys from a young age that child responsibilities and domestic responsibilities are women's jobs. Too many men "don't see mess", don't think to put a load of laundry on unless they're told to, don't think to check the school comms system for information because the assumption underneath it is that their wife/partner will take care of it.

This is bigger than a couple of cool girls saying "just don't do it" whilst blaming individual women for their own oppression.

No, it hasn't. The problem is already there caused by the person that would not remember if not reminded. Unless it isn't important the thing get done. I get the argument that "if you don't remind them, they'll have to learn to manage themselves". But the reality is that in a lot of cases, that doesn't happen. The thing just wouldn't ever get done.

When my children were younger and DH worked long random hours and was often away I used to talk about this to him and he never understood. I didn’t work as had no family to help and he thought I just spent my days having fun, with the odd but if housework thrown in.

Then I had a health issue and was told I had to basically stay in bed and rest which meant he had to take time off work and run the household. At first he thought it would be like a holiday. It too just a couple of days before he was saying omg I don’t know how you e done this for years. I’m exhausted, up early for school run, sorting house and washing, planning meals, food shopping, clubs and hobbies and all the other myriad of things that just happened around him to allow him to do his ‘important job’.

It was a good learning experience for both of us. I learned to involve him more and he understood better that someone actually has to do this stuff it’s not magic and doesn’t just happen. I’m working part time now to still fit around his job and still do the majority but every now and again I do remind him it’s not as easy as it looks. He thinks about what he has to do and when, I’m thinking about the 5 of us and how we fit everything in.

There are entire job roles that consist almost purely of organising everyone else, anticipating what needs to be done, allocating people, time and resources to the tasks and then checking that they've done it. My work day when I was an office management assistant wasn't all that dissimilar to the "planning and organising" aspect of being a mother/running a home. Keeping an eye on all the supplies, cleanliness and repair of the office, keeping an eye on people's diaries to make sure they had what they needed for their client meetings and events etc...

If companies deem it worthwhile to pay someone a salary to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to plan, organise and check on the progress of menial tasks then it's definitely a significant enough task that people can talk about doing it in their own homes.

So this is my point. You think it's chicken and egg, I think it's egg and chicken.

If you build a habit of non stop reminders then that's everyone around you's habit too.

I don't normally see people who aren't angry shout "FUCK THAT SHIT", but ok.

Wow, you're absolutely right! Children and teens need telling something once, and they will take it on board and learn it and do it forever more. Just from being told once! That's exactly how it happens.

That's not mental load.

It's remembering your husband / partners family birthdays and organizing getting a card / sending a present.

If you were single you would not be doing this.

You would be renewing insurance, but only on your own car, not yours, DH, DC if they are old enough to drive.

If you were single you would not be doing this.

Single people still have a mental load, it's just that they don't get the resentment of having to take it all on because it's all down to them anyway.

Yes if you are single then you are expecting to do it all and there isn’t the resentment of it being unfair. It’s shit and exhausting, but not unfair.

It’s like the difference between doing all night wakings because you are a lone parent, vs doing all night wakings while your partner lies there snoring. Both are equally knackering but the second is also very unfair.

Then you're completely missing the point. I'm not the one bogged down by it all and wouldn't be, specifically because I would say, FUCK THAT. A bit like Roy Kent really.

Why would I be angry about a random bunch of women on the internet doing stuff I wouldn't dream of?

I have no idea, and I have no idea why you'd care about whether or not someone chooses to use a phrase that obviously doesn't affect you or your life at all.

Why are you all winding yourselves up over getting cards and gifts for your DPs family? that's their responsibility, not yours. Same with asking if they've spoken to their dad and suggesting inviting them over? Why are you doing this?

I agree with pp that you are setting a precedent with constant reminders and micromanaging, that'd piss me off too, maybe if you don't repeatedly hen peck and something is forgotten, something would click and they'd think oh shit, I forgot x, better not do that again due to whatever consequence.

I wasn't suggesting that anyone sends kids out in dirty clothes and unfed, but the world won't end if they miss PE, just like having a banana or cereal instead of toast isn't gonna throw the rest of the day into chaos.

Start as you mean to go on, which appears to be nag constantly or moan about people not doing their fair share. If you see something needs done, do it, if you all have partners that can't see a sink full of dishes, MOT notices or their sick children the problem is your shit partner.

I response to @Goldencup I explained why I don't live with ds dad, he is a cunt, I realised this when DS was very young and ended the relationship or would it have been better to stay with an alcoholic waster who disappears for days on end? Don't live with partner because I don't want to, disrupting ds life isn't for me and I like my own space

Children need medical appointments, dentist check ups, clean uniforms, feeding, their birthday invites rsvp-ing to. A family isn't going to function well in a chaotic household full of filth where the adults aren't capable of taking care of basic needs.

This is simply presenting an extreme alternative. There's huge amounts of space between organised and adults who can't take care of basic needs.

Let's be honest most of the people on this thread are not going to let their children go hungry, be unclean, have terrible hygiene and have filthy clothes because doing that would be shit parenting.

Exactly so what is the point of presenting that extreme as the only alternative?

Someone

Well, no actual, not someONE.

needs to think about everything that is required to run an effective household and raise children. In an ideal world both parents in a two parent household would share those responsibilities equally, but we aren't living in an ideal world.

How about a pragmatic world? Why not live there? Why the extremes?

Society teaches girls and boys from a young age that child responsibilities and domestic responsibilities are women's jobs.

It may have done 50 years ago. My sons both did home economics at school 15 years ago, I opted out to do a tech subject 50 years ago. We are all capable of looking objectively at. "society". We aren't sheep.

Too many men "don't see mess", don't think to put a load of laundry on unless they're told to, don't think to check the school comms system for information because the assumption underneath it is that their wife/partner will take care of it.

Again, this is the chicken and egg. Assuming this is the assumption is starting from the point that other people have to be managed. Treat people as your subordinate in the household and they will act that way. You are training them to follow orders.

This is bigger than a couple of cool girls saying "just don't do it" whilst blaming individual women for their own oppression.

Well there we have it. Putting yourself in the senior manager role in the household management heirarchy because apparently society assumes that you are the senior manager in the household sounds like you are appointing yourself to the senior manager job frankly.

There's a happy medium available.

Because this is AIBU and it's fine to express an opinion. Half of us wouldn't be here if we weren't giving our opinions of stuff.

The OP hates the phrase. I'm in broad agreement with her. Others aren't but that's the point of a forum.

To add, in my very first post on this thread, it was about the term and the ridiculousness of it. It's boring menial household shit, not a mental load. Other posters brought the "it's women's work nobody else does it" stuff into it...

You are putting women and feminism down yourselves by proclaiming that it's all your job and putting up with partners who don't bother then having the gall to moan and complain about it... Made your bed and all that 🤷‍♀️

I got bored with reading so admit that I’ve not read everything but I’m with you op!

Just do it!

Actually don’t just do it. Do some, delegate some, just shut up about it

And if someone doesn't have a drink with them they won't die from it. Crikey, growing up doesn't require this level of coddling.

I think the reason I side-eye the term is because it apparently only applies to couples with kids.

When a single woman is managing her household, that's just life and what everyone does - it's easy and there's no mental load involved.

Suddenly when she's a coupled-up mum, the same actions become akin to sainthood and a Sisyphean struggle.

I get that managing a household of 4 is harder than a household of 1, but I also think that people seriously over-egg the pudding. It reminds me of when SAHMs say they're a nurse, chef, chauffeur, teacher, and management consultant etc. Or when someone says that doing the "life admin" is a full time job.

I also think that if I had to remind my partner to brush their teeth or they wouldn't do it, I'd be seriously questioning my life choices.

I used to work as a fucking PA for a semi famous figure once

I was paid well and I did it and I couldn't really moan too much about the attitudes I faced, and others not seeing things as urgent as I knew they were to meet deadlines or the various frustrations that naturally come with doing it that work.

I became pretty skilled at it. I use these skills daily entirely unpaid 20 years later with only me to appreciate it really

Had I been expected to be that PA for free I'd have probably told them to stick it

I do it for my family out of love, for free ... as do most women if they recognise it or not ... ffs deal with that some women recognise they're under this stress and allow themselves to acknowledge that. It's far healthier than denying it even exists