AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Shrug. I'm not "blaming" anyone, I'm expecting people to be accountable for the outcomes of the life choices they have freely made.

Marry a manchild, be a lifelong mommy. Not my problem.

And really, the old "he was perfect until the kids came along..." trope is getting very worn. The signs are ALWAYS there if one has one's eyes open. I've seen dozens of posts on Mumsnet alone saying "I did everything but always assumed he'd step up when the babies were born..."

We all know what happens when one "assumes..."

I hate the word 'Admin' that everyone uses on here for sorting out bills, insurance etc etc. But I do understand how people feel about the load that is on them as sometimes it is just one partner left to sort it all and as I am single now and staying single all on me and at times it is hard if everything needs doing together, forms, applications, bills, bla bla bla. There is a lot of expressions used on here that many do not use in the real world but people do give great advice especially in peri menopause section and it has helped me so much.

That’s still blaming a woman. I don’t have this is problem with my partner, but I would never point my fingers at a woman who was struggling because her partner wasnt being supportive. I wouldn’t do the same to a man either. It’s not on one person in a couple to take responsibility, it’s on the other person. You blaming women for men not stepping up, in the current climate were in which is still really misogynistic is ridiculous. Instead of blaming women for ‘poor choices’ demand more of men.

It’s bad enough when men are knocking women without other women joining in.

My standards are higher but also apparently is my competence, because I don't expect a Nobel Prize for grabbing a few birthday cards every so often, or making appointments.

I don't think it's fair to "expect" that others want the same things. If one wants one's kid to have a whoop-de-doo third birthday party and one's bio-partner couldn't care less, don't blame them when you have to do all the work for the party. People who are constantly thinking things up and then complaining when others don't fall right in and set to work are unrealistic.

You've said it again and again and again. Over and over. You're exhausting

See, I expect adult women to be accountable for their choices. Marry a slacker, live with it. Don't complain to me.

There are plenty of responsible, accountable, competent men out there. It's too bad more women don't hold out for one of them.

My standards are higher but also apparently is my competence, because I don't expect a Nobel Prize for grabbing a few birthday cards every so often, or making appointments.
And that's fine when it is equal. I don't expect particular recognition for any one task because I do roughly half of them. But if I was doing everything and my partner did nothing and I needed to point that out then explaining all the things and expecting recognition that there are things and they don't happen by magic would be reasonable.

No you were asking for pictures of my meds and accusing me of lying... FWIW i didn't report the comment so I don't know why it's gone either.

Probably years of masking and just getting the hang of shit, I'm not saying I don't find things hard or have bad days but the "mental load" tripe and the whining about it, when you look at the things being complained about really is grating. Silly shit like booking pets into kennels or remembering when a PE kit is needed, it's generally the same day(s) each week. Stick a thing on the fridge and bobs your uncle.

I have constant phone alarms and notes, if I notice I need to get something when shopping, it goes right into Google note the second I notice, if DS says he needs or wants something done, I ask him to text it to me too so it's there in writing and again into the notes along with any alarms. Eg if he wants a lift on a Saturday at 5, I'll set an alarm on my phone for 4.30 on the Saturday so it pings. I'm busy headed and organised in a kinda chaotic way, with a noisy as fuck phone

The only one here I can see who is whining and having a go at people and comes across very rude and condescending is you op, a bit of understand for others and empathy goes a long way. You sound like you need a chill out pill as you seem stressed. Maybe the 'mental load' is getting to you without even realizing it. People are trying to juggle so many things now and life is busy so why are you having a go at others' as it comes across very unkind.

Haven't RTFT but I wouldn't call looking after myself and 1 neurotypical teenager with no major issues a load either.

But throw in a few more younger neurodiverse children, another neurodiverse adult who shares the load but also adds to the load, varying health conditions, on top of demanding jobs...yes it is a load, an invisible mental load and one that is feeling particularly heavy today.

Hopefully in a few more years I'll be able to say what mental load as well!

Apologies if this has already been said, but this is ENTIRELY the point of the mental load issue. Of course these things should be the ‘dh’s problem. But in the majority of partnerships it isn’t. Which is the whole issue! Women do all these things because both men and women have been conditioned by society to expect it of women not men. Of course it’s bollocks. Which is why it’s great that women (and hopefully our partners) are waking up to it, and the term mental load is a helpful way to describe it. The problem is that as a single mum with a grown child, you haven’t experienced the imbalance that so easily creeps into the most seemingly ‘equal’ partnerships. The term refers to women in relationships where the lion’s share of day to day life tasks falls to women by default. Of course they are just day to day life tasks, no one is disputing that. But in a relationship that should be an equal partnership, women are quite rightly waking up to the fact that it’s not just our responsibility. As a single parent, the sad reality is that it is just your responsibility. But if the dad had been at home with you, I’d be amazed if you were happy with him sitting on his arse doing nothing while you picked up the slack!

This is me. I like doing all the organising, not sure if that makes me a control freak or just a very organised person.
I also don't find it an onerous task to sort cards and gifts for in-laws, although we do usually do it together. I'm a big girl so can also sort my own problems out with in-laws not that we've had many but I don't need my DH to sort shit out for me.
And breathe.

See, some of us would simply not be with a "partner" (lol) who didn't automatically do his share. We wouldn't put up with it and martyr about it.

So why do women enter relationships/have children with these men who just sit around doing nothing?

It makes sense now - you don’t really have a mental load OP - it’s just you and your adult son 😂

Mental load is definitely a thing - esp in busier households but what does irritate me is when women keep whining about it instead of just insisting it’s divided fairly with their partners.

No one is forcing you to buy birthday cards for his mum or be the only one who books the dentist. Stop all the handwringing and martyrdom, stop enabling your husband being useless and ‘another child’ you’re just allowing the sexism to continue.

OP, are you the person who started the thread about the British being too obedient and encouraging us to jump over supermarket barriers? Because you sound the same.
I don't have school aged kids any more but my mental load has recently included

• moving home twice in two years, the first after being there for 25 years
• buying a new home twice

Both these things go with HUGE amounts of admin

• getting our Wills rewritten and LPAs, still ongoing
• applying for Deputyship for DS
• applying for PIP and blue badge for DH
• dealing with solicitor over suing landlord of rental property
• liaising with and managing every aspect of refurb and extension to new house
• moving DS into a new residential placement
• managing everything to do with DH's poor health
• managing everything to do with my own poor health, including a 4 night hospital stay unexpectedly last week
• paying all bills, managing finances
• everything to do with cars, house, multiple appointments

There's plenty more. Mostly I am on top of it and have ways to manage, I don't work any more for a start, but sometimes I do feel overloaded when a night in the pub with my mates is called for, often organised by me

@YeahIsaidit , my post wasn't for you but for @Wishimaywishimight

He's not an adult...

What's hilarious is that you think women can just nip to the shop to get food for dinner. Those with young kids at home and a DH who works late don't have that luxury. So, yes, they should plan better.

But when all you're doing is planning... constantly thinking of the myriad of little things you have to do... that's exhausting. No amount of reminders and lists will help if your head is still whirring with it all.

I was being hyperbolic, but tbh the issue is way more insidious. I’m in a marriage with a wonderful man. He is a fabulous father and takes on a lot more of the ‘mental load’ tasks than other men I know without having to be asked. But when I’ve really thought about it, which I only have after I came across the term, I’ve realised, and so has he, that what we perceived to be a pretty equal partnership, and what most women would think was the jackpot, was still really imbalanced when it came to the day to day running of a household. The term has been a real wake up call for both of us in a really great way. I didn’t marry a terrible man, I married a great one. But he is still a man brought up in the norms of 20th and 21st century Britain, which means he’s still preconditioned to let the burden fall on me, as was I. There’s nothing wrong with people waking up to the fact that things aren’t as they should be and striving to correct them. That’s my experience of engaging with the term ‘mental load’.

No that wasn't me but I would quite like to see people jumping over supermarket barriers if for the comedy value of the failed hurdling and resultant face planting that would occur.

That is a lot to deal with, moving house and all the legal work that goes along with it DOES imo count as a mental load as that is stressful and adds a strain... The examples I was talking about were taking kids to parties and doing an online shop, the normal daily tasks that everyone else just gets on with. Legal work and moving are not in those categories. OH should be able to help with blue badge btw

If you want a night out then surely it would be you that organised it, no?

People who use the term "mental load" are not necessarily saying the stuff is difficult. It's just reasonable to assume that if there are two people in a marriage, they will each take half of whatever work is there, including the planning/organising bit. If one spouse is doing half the physical work but all the planning/organising, then they're actually doing more than half because the mental load is on them. It's about the principle of it.

Well OP, it's very generous of you to accept that I might have a "mental load" but, until you dig down into people's actual lives rather than generalising, you just don't know. You're very judgmental and rude

OP if you did have a partner/ the child's father that DID do 50% of the chores/tasks you talk about as well as 50% of the life thinking/planning /anticipation/preparedness, how much time back would that give you in a week, and what would you do with that time?

@YeahIsaidit and anyone else who just doesn’t get it, I highly recommend following Thatdarnchat on instagram. It’s a real eye opener