AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Yep.

Exactly so, UrsulaIsMyQueen

Yes yabu

try being a widowed parent, a lone parent (where 2 of my kids father has abandoned them). Coping with SN, my own health problems, caring for an elderly mother with cancer and working as well on top of that.

the mental load is unbearable. It’s not just a bit of housework and making a few appointments, it goes way way beyond that for me. I have NO support.

if you’re lucky enough to have a supportive partner and you dismiss the term mental load well then quite frankly you don’t have a clue

Choose better partners.

I've no idea - friends and colleagues do ask me this in RL. I would need therapy to unpick it. Her older brothers just got on with things.

So correct me if I’m wrong but you have 1 person (yourself) that you’re responsible for?

That is so much different than someone who has 4 children aged under 10.

If you don’t like the term, simple, don’t use it.

Do you not think expectations and methods especially of primary aged children have changed immensely in the past few years ? For me they have, I have a teen and primary aged child, the way things are done in our school at least are more difficult and time consuming.

Times are so different now to when your DS was primary aged. I miss how things were.

No, you’ve gone much bf yet her than that. People are telling you about their personal lives and you’re picking apart what they’re saying.

The thing about struggles is that just because YOU would cope better with them doesn’t mean other people aren’t struggling. Mental health treats people differently. One person might be able to cope with a certain amount, it’s too much for another, and you don’t get to tell people they’re pathetic for finding having to think about the mundane things in life a lot to cope with on top of childcare and work.

😂

I’ve read OPs comments. For me it’s the mocking condescending attitude towards younger women with younger children that people are taking umbrage to, not the actual dislike of the phrase

That’s very true. I get a bit frustrated with any threads that mental health bash. And I think for me, when people talk about a big mental load what they’re saying is they’re stressed and I don’t think we take stress seriously enough, especially when it comes to women.

Now that I understand. I have a younger brother who is needy. My Mum complains bitterly about having to do this and that - but never changes it and, if offered advice from her 'get on with it' kids, defends him to the hilt.

You do sound overwhelmed but honestly, if you don't take care of yourself, you'll be taking care of nobody because you'll be ill. Your elderly folks need you, your adult daughter can pick up the slack for herself for a bit. Who knows, she may even be good at it.

I have a teen at home too, I don't just have myself to look after and have said a few times that I'm a single parent and I have a DS he has a job but is also a student... 4 younger kids is obviously going to be harder to deal with than one but that's not my point. People are still turning what are every day tasks, laundry, booking appointments, shopping etc into whole big things when they aren't. I'm not saying that people are without struggles but whining about how unfair things are when the stuff around you is normal adult life is ridiculous

I am not bashing mental health issues! I'm saying that normal day to day tasks are ridiculous things to say amount to carrying the mental load. It's adult life!

whining about how unfair things are when the stuff around you is normal adult life is ridiculous
Just because it's common or normal for woman to take on a far greater proportion of running adult life doesn't mean it isn't unfair. And pointing that out isn't whining. Calling it whining is the same as calling it nagging when a woman asks a man to do something. There's the misogyny you've been accused of and not acknowledged.

Yes I totally agree op, obviously if there are two parents then things should be shared, but honestly reading some posts on here it’s just like people lack any kind of organisational skills or ability to prioritise.

I think the point you’re missing is that women shouldn’t have to do all that stuff for men who should be able to do it themselves but they so often do.

im pretty - don’t be a martyr- about stuff on MN and IRL, eg when a friend was buying her boyfriends mum birthday cards i juts asked her why she was doing it and made the point that if her bf forgot that was his problem, but I can still acknowledge that lots of people end up having to pick up the slack to make their family life enjoyable. THAT is the problem.

@YeahIsaidit

Why don't you think that making every day living tasks that every adult gets on with something more than it is is demeaning to women?

Because it isn't every adult. It's women. That's the point. You argue that you do all this yourself and it's unfair but you don't moan about it, yet have failed to mention any aspect for the father of your child and what his contribution to in the cognitive and emotional load of raising your child.

Presumably you do all this, because he doesn't? So it isn't fair. It isn't equal and in some way it will likely create a detriment to you as a woman.

You're not a martyr for claiming it's not a load for you. You're classically caught in the imbalance of patriarchy. Perceived independence wrapped in girl power mentality.

Patriarchy thrives on it.

Yabvu.

Mental load is just a phrase for being the parent who has to think of, remember and sort everything out. It's usually always the woman, and the male partner is essentially like another child who needs instructing and organising in order to do anything.

Kids need new shoes/uniform, need a present for a party, sort the dinner money, remember to book time off for the parents evening, sort the Christmas presents, organise the food shop, organise a family holiday, and so on and so on. Yeah mum will do that. As well as working full time herself.

Mental load describes when women are pissed off with being the family manager.

I think there is a big difference between being a single parent and living with someone. When you’re a single parent there is only you to rely on so there is no choice. there isn’t another adult there do you don’t get pissed off with them for not helping

However when you live with someone there is another adult who ‘should’ take an equal share of the responsibility for running the house but they don’t. They leave it up to you to do everything and just reap the benefits. That’s why PP of ‘resentment load’ resonated. It’s like you see so many women say on here “I might just as well be a single parent for all the help DH/DP is”

It's not adult life for a lot of men though, is it.

Call it what you want, mental load, wifework...it generally falls to the woman.

Stress is a mental health issue and you are minimising what other people find stressful.

Juat because you cope just fine doesn’t mean other people don’t, so what? So what if other people feel overwhelmed by their day to day requirements? Why can’t they vent about that, say they’re struggling with the amount expected of them?

It would be one thing if you had said you dislike the phrase, but that isn’t what you’re saying. You’re criticising other people feeling overwhelmed about their daily tasks.

I'm saying that the term mental load is used to describe adult life and that it's ridiculous using it to amplify things

No, it's not used to amplify things, it's simply a term used to describe one particular aspect of adult life, as distinct from other aspects of adult life. And it's not rocket science to get why it comes up so often on MN, a forum whose members are predominantly women with husbands/male partners and children.

But why didn't you let her walk home? Why didn't you say "no, I've too much on my mind to remind you about your shoes." And on and on.

If one chooses to not push back, establish boundaries and distinguish real needs from "wants" then who's to blame?

Same with the dinner complaints above. So many reasons why husband makes a botch job of it. No wonder he can't be bothered to try.

Who sets the standards, though? Shouldn't the person demanding the most be the one to do the most?

Will anyone die if birthday and Christmas gifts aren't sorted, or family doesn't go on holiday, or there's only sandwiches for dinner, etc etc.? Much of the "load" is self-inflicted.

I think it accurately describes all the thinking and organisation involved with most day-to-day stuff (more than just getting a pair of knickers out the drawer)!

My impression is that more women than men take the 'mental load' - it's certainly true in my family and it can start to feel exhausting.