DS wants to live with dad

[justanothermanicm0nday]

Kids dad hasn't really bothered the last few months, didn't see the kids for Father's Day, let down a couple of weekends (contact has dwindled to one overnight a fortnight) avoiding maintenance to the point he now owes £7k in arrears (meant to be just shy of £100 a week for 4 kids) csa finally deducted from his wage and after 2 months of payments quit his job. Ive only now just got payments but I expect this will stop again. He an GF have a very on and off relationship to the point last year she had him arrested - he also told me at this time she didn't want the kids at the house and resented them etc. they are back together. Also health concerns DS is diabetic and does no insulin at all when he is at dads (I'm having problems at home too but I'm on his case watching him and reminding him)

DS despite always actively avoiding staying (other 3 would stay and he would ask to come home or stay at a friends) is now saying he wants to live there full time. I am concerned because of the above reasons - there is also no space for him - he would be sleeping on a sofa full time.

I am upset to say the least and feel like dad is pushing it as a last ditch attempt to be difficult and mess things up financially for me. DS is very easily influenced by him.

Speaking to DS his reasons are that I have been on at him a lot (about tidying up after himself and his diabetes - which I have and have got cross at times also but he just doesn't listen and I do have to nag he is in a difficult thinks he knows best phase, but of trouble at school) also that dad wants to see him more and he implied that dad is blaming me for lack of time with them (which I am not at all I would happily do 50/50 to have a break I am run ragged)

I am happy for him to live at dads if that's what he really wants but ideally I want his dad to speak to me about it first properly, I would like that he at least has a bed (I have said happy he stays weekends no bed but weekdays/school times he needs a proper bed he can't sleep on a sofa full time)

I also really want his dad to step up with the other three kids he has and have them more than once a fortnight for a day (he's now requesting to stop all overnights) as I feel he's favouring eldest (which he always has done) and it's unfair and will cause resentment and how do I explain that eldest can see dad whenever but they can't?

Really in an ideal world he need to just generally have them all more I feel, he's only presenting to son as it's all or nothing no inbetween.

Son is 14 so I don't think I can stop him if I wanted to I am just worried for his welfare and the fairness on the other children.

There are 3 kids already at the ex house which is why space is a problem.

What a horrid situation. Realistically you cannot prevent your son from going to his dad's. You need to have an in-depth talk with dad, with son there, to outline your wishes regarding bed etc, but most importantly the diabetes routine. I would hope that once there, if he actually moves in, your son will realise how much better life was at your home, and swiftly return. You must be worried sick though, and just want to lock him up at home.

Why not offer up a trail op? Send him for a week.

Then welcome him back biting your tongue from told you so...
My ds went to df's for a year... Then decided he needed a parent and came home.
Sadly letting ds see df is a useless twat is the only way ime. Ex obviously will need to supply ds with everything he needs.... Like a bed for starters...

You can stop a 14yr old when there is a safeguarding concern that could be fatal. His dad not ensuring he has his insulin could easily result in your DS dying from a diabetic coma.

It’s when they are 16 that you cannot stop them.

Have you reported your ex to social services for not ensuring DS gets his insulin? If not, do it. Do it now.

You need the paper trail so that you can prevent DS from living there full time. Theyd likely also look at the living conditions and conclude it is too over crowded for a 14yr old to live there too.

It is likely that your ex is using your DS to try and get more housing benefit and move up in priority on a housing list.

It’s the school holidays. Why don’t you suggest he does a week or two full time at his dad’s and then he comes back to yours for a weekend and you have a chat about how he feels about the idea then.
I would also be making him an appointment with his diabetes nurse to see how his levels are doing - if he’s liable to stop taking his insulin completely at his dad’s then I’d imagine that would cause big issues pretty rapidly. He needs to talk to someone medical about how he’s behaving with his insulin (and testing and diet?) and why. Is it laziness, is it teenage rebelliousness at the unfairness of having T1 diabetes? Does he think he doesn’t need to be as careful as everyone says? Get some back up about the diabetes care. This attitude is common in teens with T1 and I’m sure his nurse or doctor will have some ideas about how to tackle it.

Could the school help - Is there a counsellor who he could talk to?

Perhaps say he support him going there but he needs to have a plan which is talked through with a counsellor

It is often at teenage years that boys want to spend time with adult male, does he have any contacts with good role models through sports or activity?

Thanks all for the replies, it's very difficult regarding the taking of insulin because sometimes he will not do it with me either. Partly laziness and partly just trying to fit in and refuse to accept he is diabetic. He's had ongoing support from the diabetic team for over a year now and we are all seriously worried about him but he won't engage in anything he's been offered councelling and a whole host of other things. The only incentive I haven't offered is financial but don't really want to go down that route but maybe that might spur him on. Dad doesn't come to any hospital appointments, although has requested to be cc into every email. I have told him numerous times even if DS says he is doing insulin he needs to physically see him do it as he always lies about doing it and I am guessing this is what he is not following through with.

He is still with OW so things are strained as in he's not really allowed any contact with me, he has blocked me and only communicates through the kids and arranges seeing them through the two eldest. Which quite frankly is ridiculous and another reason I am nervous for him to stay.

The only two hospital admissions son has ever had had been in his dads care.

I don't think son would accept me saying no and involving social services, this would also back up the narrative his dads invented of me stopping him seeing them, they have also recently taken on another friend of their child so social services is already involved with that I think and he's still there so they obv don't have any concerns.

Son did this two years ago and went to stay, it resulted in him ringing me hysterical because his dad had got really angry with him and I had to go and pick him up.

I really just don't understand why he's suddenly done a 180 about going there, it does seem dad is pushing it as he has text various times asking if son has asked me yet.

After 2 weekly payments the maintenance has stopped yet again so hopefully this might stop this.

I also have a feeling dad would make him take all his clothes etc there it would all go wrong and then I would get nothing back as stuff goes missing all the time when they used to stay overnight. Which I would be annoyed about since I have brought it all this far! He was even saying about taking his bed from home as a possibility.

I also forgot to say he does have good male role models, my partner who he gets on with really well (but more of a friend relationship then that of a dad), my brother and also my dad and he can see them whenever he wants, they are over most weeks and have taken him out etc and also tried to get through about the diabetes.

My brother took him for lunch and gave him a chat and brought him an Apple Watch to help him keep track of his blood levels in class (as he was worried about getting phone out)

He does football which is sometimes with his dad, his dad runs the team but isn't always there. He and his dad were always super close and his dad does seem to have an odd hold on him, DS thinks the sun shines out his bum and breezes by any faults, his dad has a good way of turning everything round to not be his fault/ someone else's problem.

Ask ds to help plan a schedue of his trial there. Ask him about z, y and z appointments when df hasn't done any as yet. Fill in activities /other plans etc. Ask ds is he confident df can manage all that. Sadly ds has a rose tinted vision of living with his df. Never ime hand over bulk amounts of personal possessions... They never return. Exh sold anything dc's took back.

Well he certainly won't be taking his bed as I still want him to have a place here to stay. Clothes etc I can't really stop him taking though.

I guess I'm going to have to try and persuade his dad to actually sit and have a chat about it all, I refuse to just send him off with no kind of plan in place. Last time he tried to alienate him from me, said he didn't want to speak to me etc and I didn't see him for two weeks. It was really difficult and I just feel super anxious even thinking about going through all that again.

So DS has moved in with dad, to be fair his blood sugar has been better than it has been with me so maybe this is a good thing. However day 2 ex is asking me to either cancel the child maintenance( he owes nearly £7k and had been coming from his wages as he had ignored all cms calls to pay direct) or he will claim DS DLA etc. he then on day 4 rang me again pressuring me when I said I wouldn't cancel child maintenance. I feel this is the motive behind it all. I have said give it to the end of the month to check it's a permanent thing however he's now managed to stop the child maintenance. DS is texting asking for money for hair cuts etc am I being unfair saying to him dad will have to get this now? I don't want DS to go without but if he cancels child maintenance and will also get sons DLA I will be literally breaking even after bills with nothing left over so I'm a bit stressed.

He's also not committed to any time with the other 3, saying they can text when they want to see him - only 1 is old enough to have a device to do this and 2/3 times he's messaged now he's been busy and said no despite telling me he isn't working the rest of this month.

Other child also mentioned DS needs to come home while dad and the gf kids go on holiday for a week - ex hasn't said anything yet to me.

They are also building DS a loft room - ex is doing this himself despite having no building experience - he had other child on the 1 day he saw him helping him fit insulation into the roof

DS doesn't seem to be wavering as ex has promised him all DLA money and this new room

DS is currently still sleeping on the sofa

Sorry you haven't had any replies on this. I know it's tough but I think DS needs to see that his DF can't parent. Yes, say dad has to pay for haircuts etc and make sure you are unavailable when they are on holiday. Harsh but the only way to get through, I think.

What should I do about uniform? As I am still getting his DLA but tbh this will not even cover half the uniform tbh. I feel bad if DS is left without uniform though as the cut off to order is end of this week and I know his dad won't be bothering.

I also couldn't not have him while his dad is away. Of course I want him to come back for the week.

Secondhand uniform.

Let it take its course if poss. One of the best things I ever did was let DS stay at his dad's for a couple of months during lockdown. He returned when school restarted and has never asked for another night over what's in our contact agreement since.

He gets DLA?

Bit worrying about his gf reporting him to the police however.

Can you pass on one months worth of DLA to DS/ex to pay towards his uniform? Maybe pay it monthly to them then only transfer across to ex if it lasts more than 3
months? I suppose DLA should go to person who has care of the child, but that person also needs to take responsibility for care and tasks….like you do for the younger children.

Are you communicating in writing So you have evidence if required?

I agree, do you know what the report was about?

I think asking for the DLA when he owes you 7k is somewhat cheeky. However you could wait until the end of the month and then transfer the DLA for those weeks to him. This way when it all falls apart you don't have an issue getting it back. Make sure there is a record of him getting the cash. Do not provide money for hair cuts or anything else as your ex owes you child support. Make this all clear to him in writing. Make the services involved aware that his dad has taken over day to day responsibility for his diabetes at the moment. Sit back and wait. It won't be long.

Order the uniform and pay with the dla. Send him dad a copy of the order and show him that dla has been used for this this month. If you gad to pay extra Send him a bill for half.

I actually don’t think you should do this. Part of the task of parenting is the admin/doing of things like buying school uniforms. Ex is main the carer for older son now so he needs to do the buying school inform task. Like op is for the younger children no doubt.

Your x should be buying the uniform!

do not cave, you need to teach them both a lesson quite honestly. This is clearly an act, your son will be home 2nd week of the new term when he realises how crap his dad is

I would not sign over the DLA either for a good month or two minimum. Its a trial, if you sign it over you wont get it back when he does come home....because he will!

Agree with all PP above. You feel bad. This is what keeps you doing the things his dad should be doing if he lives with him full time. It's incredibly hard but if you want DS to see why his dad is a waste of space, you need to let it go. DLA is not for uniform. But send it anyway and tell dad he must buy the uniform as he is now fully caring for son. So hard but you have to stay firm to get DS to understand.

Thanks everyone I think I will just transfer the DLA money and say he will need to sort it out. Just feels frustrating when he's stopped paying maintenance for all the children and owes me so much.

If I brought it all and billed him for the other half he would literally just laugh at me! This is a man that leaves his job every 2 months to avoid child maintenance getting a deduction of earnings. He has just 'stopped work' so the maintenance has stopped again however when I spoke to DS today and asked how his day was etc he said he had gone to work with his dad so he obv is doing some cash in hand work of sorts.

His gf had him arrested because they had broken up but he was harassing her, he had put a tracker in her car in the form of an air tag. He actually was arrested overnight for this and it carried on for a couple of months with the police going through his phone etc and then I think she withdrew the statement. So nothing violent but I full well believe he prob would do this as he's admitted to looking over my garden fence etc before but to be fair she is just as bad as she once while I was on holiday used the key to my house (this was a few months after split and ex had the kids and dog so I left a key incase dd needed a break from their dog) and went upstairs to my bedroom and went through my wardrobe etc. Has stalked me on social media to the point she has found my Pinterest profile etc. they are both just as crazy as the other tbh so not a good mix. They have been on and off so many times but this seems to be the longest stint at a solid year now.

The thing that upsets me is the time he was arrested he told me she didn't want the kids there and made it difficult for him to see them, the fact he is now only seeing the others once a fortnight I think is what's upsetting me the most. Other DS text again to see him today and he said no he was busy. But he can take other DS with him to whatever he is doing. I just feel it's so unfair on the other 3 and worry the effect it will have on them.

How would it mess things up for you financialy?

It would mess things up financially for me because he has now stopped the child maintenance for all 4 of our children not just one, is then asking me to pay maintenance for my son that will live with him and then he will also claim the DLA and the child benefit (which I agree is fair just not stopping all the maintenance for the other 3 kids) I am going to loose about £1k a month possibly more with everything added together and paying maintenance back to him as I work. I am struggling as it is with the rising cost of living, food and fuel prices and also my rent has been increased. He doesn't offer to have the other younger three children other than the once a fortnight so I am unable to increase my work hours as I have no family support. I'm currently working all the school hours I can.

Surely he should be paying you child maintenance for the 3 that are living with you, and you should be paying him for the 1 that’s living with him. Try putting that into the CMS calculator and see what it says.