DS wants to live with dad

[justanothermanicm0nday]

Kids dad hasn't really bothered the last few months, didn't see the kids for Father's Day, let down a couple of weekends (contact has dwindled to one overnight a fortnight) avoiding maintenance to the point he now owes £7k in arrears (meant to be just shy of £100 a week for 4 kids) csa finally deducted from his wage and after 2 months of payments quit his job. Ive only now just got payments but I expect this will stop again. He an GF have a very on and off relationship to the point last year she had him arrested - he also told me at this time she didn't want the kids at the house and resented them etc. they are back together. Also health concerns DS is diabetic and does no insulin at all when he is at dads (I'm having problems at home too but I'm on his case watching him and reminding him)

DS despite always actively avoiding staying (other 3 would stay and he would ask to come home or stay at a friends) is now saying he wants to live there full time. I am concerned because of the above reasons - there is also no space for him - he would be sleeping on a sofa full time.

I am upset to say the least and feel like dad is pushing it as a last ditch attempt to be difficult and mess things up financially for me. DS is very easily influenced by him.

Speaking to DS his reasons are that I have been on at him a lot (about tidying up after himself and his diabetes - which I have and have got cross at times also but he just doesn't listen and I do have to nag he is in a difficult thinks he knows best phase, but of trouble at school) also that dad wants to see him more and he implied that dad is blaming me for lack of time with them (which I am not at all I would happily do 50/50 to have a break I am run ragged)

I am happy for him to live at dads if that's what he really wants but ideally I want his dad to speak to me about it first properly, I would like that he at least has a bed (I have said happy he stays weekends no bed but weekdays/school times he needs a proper bed he can't sleep on a sofa full time)

I also really want his dad to step up with the other three kids he has and have them more than once a fortnight for a day (he's now requesting to stop all overnights) as I feel he's favouring eldest (which he always has done) and it's unfair and will cause resentment and how do I explain that eldest can see dad whenever but they can't?

Really in an ideal world he need to just generally have them all more I feel, he's only presenting to son as it's all or nothing no inbetween.

Son is 14 so I don't think I can stop him if I wanted to I am just worried for his welfare and the fairness on the other children.

There are 3 kids already at the ex house which is why space is a problem.

Surely if he's in arrears with you, anything you should be paying him just comes off his balance rather than you actually paying it?

I would like to think that @MuggleMe but knowing how useless CM have been it will probably be a new separate claim and I'll end up paying him while he owes £1000's.

I am hoping son changes his mind, I am worried deep down he won't though. He idolises his dad, it will take something big happening for him to come back and seeing how much dad is desperate for money (he's messaged again today) I think he'll be on his best behaviour. It will be interesting once school starts to see how dad deals with his refusing to go to school/ not do homework and handing his diabetes control back over to him all day. I think that's when they will clash as we did.

I wouldn’t pay maintenance. Push hard to get it taken off the arrears and every time you hear he’s working ask for them to reassess I’d buy some school uniform for your house tbh so you are organised when he returns. DLA anc child benefit should go to the person who is looking after him.

I wouldn’t pay for haircuts etc. Whilst you are staying at Dads it’s his responsibility. Repeat.

Yes I am working, so I think I would owe something.

I have received a message on my universal credit today to say my child is part of someone else's claim so he has gone behind my back after agreeing to a months leeway and added him onto his claim.

I am wondering if I could do mediation or something but I have no idea to go about this? I don't want this being permanent and him living there all the time. It's really not in his best interests. But then son will be adamant he wants to stay too.

He is 14 so I think will have some say, if he really does want to live there I know I can't do anything but what's worrying me the most is the siblings being split and them seeing him hardly ever and what effect that will have on them

Plus I don't think it's the best place for him tbh he still won't have a bed for a long time and can't sleep in a loft he accesses with a ladder

I've also kept all communication between me and ex so have evidence of everything that has gone on, him saying the gf didn't want them there and saying she was bipolar and not stable etc.

Messages from her being vile to me etc.

I think there’s a good chance he will miss being at home and with his siblings soon

He can but he has only come home once a week so far even though I've asked a few time and his dad only has the others once a fortnight.

I was thinking mediation just to speak to his dad tbh and try and sort some kind of schedule as everything has been done through son atm dad didn't say a word

My 15 at the time yo SS told his dad he was just going to live with his mum full time because he preferred it there. This was after he was caught smoking out the bathroom window and got a lecture about it. DH also used to be on his case about getting up for school on time, hygiene etc. Whereas at mums he's left to his own devices.

Fast forward a few months and he ended up with us for 2 months straight because his mum was doing his head in. He now spends most of his time with us.

Just let him go. He'll get fed up eventually. As much as they sometimes push against it kids need boundaries, security and the feeling that someone cares about their wellbeing.

@Devilinthedeet I can't really just sit round and wait though because the longer he is with his dad the more withdrawn he becomes from us (his dad has fabricated a whole story of how I have stopped him seeing him this whole time etc which I def haven't and would of done 50/50) and I'm not giving up seeing him everyday since dad left to now only seeing him once a week.

In the meantime his dad has managed to claim for him on universal credit, stop paying child maintenance for all children and I can't afford to live basically. This is in the space of a week and a half...

I thought with mediation I could at least show I am willing to work with him although I know he's already told son it's live with him or once a fortnight there's no middle ground but then I thought if he won't compromise in mediation I could take to court. But then again if son really doesn't want to be here I am guessing it would be useless anyway. And also to get some proper contact in place for other children.

I think your best focus here is keeping your door open for when he realises the grass isn’t greener on the other side, and getting CMS sorted for the remaining kids if you can. DLA should go to the ex if he has your son as it is to be spent on the son’s needs. If you claim it and don’t have the son to spend it on, then you are committing fraud. Either parent can claim it, but it must go to the needs of the child recipient.

You said he is diabetic and doesn't take his insulin when he is at his dad's? He could die. Everything else is irrelevant. Surely you should be focusing on this.

As hard as it is you just need to bide your time. It's only been a week and a half. As long as he knows your door is always open. He's 14, he'll get pretty fed up when his skint dad can't afford things.

My DH ex used to fill the kids heads with all sorts of lies about him. Kids see through it all eventually.

OP has already updated that part.
If you're receiving UC any child maintenance you would be liable for would be quite a low amount.
Is your ex working?
You really need to get mediation or possibly a child arrangements order if you are not getting to see your DS as often as you would like.