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Original poster

DS wants to live with dad

105 replies

justanothermanicm0nday · 18/07/2023 19:54

Kids dad hasn't really bothered the last few months, didn't see the kids for Father's Day, let down a couple of weekends (contact has dwindled to one overnight a fortnight) avoiding maintenance to the point he now owes £7k in arrears (meant to be just shy of £100 a week for 4 kids) csa finally deducted from his wage and after 2 months of payments quit his job. Ive only now just got payments but I expect this will stop again. He an GF have a very on and off relationship to the point last year she had him arrested - he also told me at this time she didn't want the kids at the house and resented them etc. they are back together. Also health concerns DS is diabetic and does no insulin at all when he is at dads (I'm having problems at home too but I'm on his case watching him and reminding him)

DS despite always actively avoiding staying (other 3 would stay and he would ask to come home or stay at a friends) is now saying he wants to live there full time. I am concerned because of the above reasons - there is also no space for him - he would be sleeping on a sofa full time.

I am upset to say the least and feel like dad is pushing it as a last ditch attempt to be difficult and mess things up financially for me. DS is very easily influenced by him.

Speaking to DS his reasons are that I have been on at him a lot (about tidying up after himself and his diabetes - which I have and have got cross at times also but he just doesn't listen and I do have to nag he is in a difficult thinks he knows best phase, but of trouble at school) also that dad wants to see him more and he implied that dad is blaming me for lack of time with them (which I am not at all I would happily do 50/50 to have a break I am run ragged)

I am happy for him to live at dads if that's what he really wants but ideally I want his dad to speak to me about it first properly, I would like that he at least has a bed (I have said happy he stays weekends no bed but weekdays/school times he needs a proper bed he can't sleep on a sofa full time)

I also really want his dad to step up with the other three kids he has and have them more than once a fortnight for a day (he's now requesting to stop all overnights) as I feel he's favouring eldest (which he always has done) and it's unfair and will cause resentment and how do I explain that eldest can see dad whenever but they can't?

Really in an ideal world he need to just generally have them all more I feel, he's only presenting to son as it's all or nothing no inbetween.

Son is 14 so I don't think I can stop him if I wanted to I am just worried for his welfare and the fairness on the other children.

There are 3 kids already at the ex house which is why space is a problem.

OP posts:
Thatladdo · 09/08/2023 11:15

If you still have 3 and him 1 then the slightly reduced CMS payment would still be to you surely and DLA and child benefit if for the child(ren) anyway, im guessing that all went into the pot and was spent on other things but shouldnt have really, youll also have reduced costs to factor in

Original poster
justanothermanicm0nday · 10/08/2023 02:33

It would be fair if he would just stop the cms for one child but he's stopped it completely for all 4. That combined with loosing the DLA and then paying him back 15% of my wage in maintenance adds up to a lot. I could cope without the DLA and paying him maintenance if he was still paying towards the other 3 children as obviously I would be paying less in food, clothes, pocket money etc by 1/4.

OP posts:
Carryonkeepinggoing · 10/08/2023 02:41

Don’t pay him any child maintenance! If he goes through CMS they’ll tell him he still owes you 7grand of arrears plus ongoing support for the other three.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 10/08/2023 03:55

Carryonkeepinggoing · 10/08/2023 02:41

Don’t pay him any child maintenance! If he goes through CMS they’ll tell him he still owes you 7grand of arrears plus ongoing support for the other three.

If you can do that and get the CM you will owe him used to decrease his debt he owes you, which he'll probably never pay anyway, you'd at least not have less reduction in your current income. Just being practical about it you need to refer him to his Dad when he wants money for things. I'd just say, "I know you're used to coming to me for things like haircuts, but now you're staying with your Dad that's his responsibility ." Even if you could afford it subsiding him at his Dad's will only mean he'll feel more comfortable there and stay longer. It also gives his Dad less incentive to want to go back to how it was before. His Dad may well realise it's more expensive to have his son with him then to keep dodging financial responsibility through CMS by quitting jobs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2023 04:33

I don’t understand why you’re paying him when he owes you money. I’d just take it off the bill, DLA included. If your ds wants the money, you can give him a running commentary of where the money is and that he will have money for hair cuts in 2027 or whenever.

floribunda18 · 10/08/2023 04:49

By the by, but it really fucks me off that these deadbeat dads can just decide not to provide for their children from one month to the next. There ought to be more sanctions.

AgentJohnson · 10/08/2023 04:54

I get your frustration but the ordering of uniform and haircuts are his Dads responsibility and your son can’t have the fun without the consequences of staying at his dads. Write to him informing him that the maintenance from DS staying will be deducted from his arrears. I can’t advise about the DLA.

You can’t cushion your sons landing at his dads.

Pompom2367 · 10/08/2023 05:25

Don't pay he owes you maintenance call cms

Thunderisntnicebythebeach · 10/08/2023 08:11

He owes your dc 7k. Don't forget that. No haircuts etc. No cms to him either. No benefits you get 28 days to report a change .. Ds may come home when he is dumped for their holiday. I would contact ss about his arrest. Have your concerns recorded.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/08/2023 08:21

Don't even consider paying him any child maintenance. He owes you. You pay for one child to him but he owes you for 3 children so it's a net payment to you.

Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 08:23

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Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 08:23

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Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 08:27

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Wenfy · 10/08/2023 08:28

Contact social services. Seems like your dc and your Ex’s partner’s kids are in danger there. Report them both

8990m · 10/08/2023 08:32

@justanothermanicm0nday i feel he’s using your son for his DLA
Can you move away from him and take the kids? I know it’s a big upheaval but I feel he won’t look after your son properly and will use the money from the Dla on himself (the dad) I’m horrified reading this

Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 08:34

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Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 10/08/2023 08:38

DO NOT SEND HIM ANY MONEY
he owes you/ your children £7k!
until that's been paid off, you keep the DLA and you don't give him anything towards the costs incurred by the 14yo.
He can put in a claim to CMS if he wants - they would back you up here.

His dad wants to be fully responsible for once?
Let him - his job to pay for haircuts, organise school uniform, travel, everything else.... sounds like he'll fuck up sooner rather than later, and that's the only thing which will help your DS understand that his dad's not so great after all. Being dumped while the rest of dad's new family go off on holiday without him might also help with that...
If that happens, make sure you communicate your concerns in writing (it sounds like he can receive emails so why not use that channel to communicate with this delightful man?), inform social services, stop any future DLA/ benefits payments going to him and tell your son the experiment is obviously over.

8990m · 10/08/2023 08:38

@Devilinthedeet Im just trying to help,
what would you suggest ?
It is quite alarming he doesn’t look after the son properly with his insulin and now there’s the DLA part of this situation and it’s quite clear why he’s putting pressure on op for the son to come and live with him.

Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 08:48

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8990m · 10/08/2023 08:51

@Devilinthedeet yes I agree over spending more time with the son, I just hope this gets resolved really he can’t go and live with the dad it’s just not right,
I hope he leaves the op alone really

dcadmamagain · 10/08/2023 09:00

Ok for those of you saying you don’t owe him maintenance legally you do as you work and he doesn’t!!

BUT you can get the cms to offset what maintenance you owe against his arrears. Nb in order to do this your account to him needs to be set up with cms collecting money from you NOT as a direct pay account. Make sure the case is set up coopectly by cns on the system. Do not give him money direct!

I think it’s wrong that you’ll even have to set it up this way with his arrears but unfortunately that’s how cms is legally set up. I’m sure your son will realise soon how much you did for him

Original poster
justanothermanicm0nday · 10/08/2023 09:05

Hi sorry trying to answer all your questions,

One there is no way I would move my kids away, we have my family and friends here. I do have family that do live far so could have but I could never do that. I would never stop the kids seeing their dad unless I though they were in danger, sleeping on a blow up bed for one night every other weekend isn't going to hurt them and gives them the opportunity to spend the evening with their dad at a time they wouldn't normally see him. Has their dad done questionable things yes quite a few times but I have to weigh that up with not seeing him at all which I am loathe to do.

At the moment DS blood sugar has been much better, prob better than it has been with me so I cannot say he hasn't been doing it like before. I do have to give him that as annoying as it is, also they have changed his insulin amounts though which I think was a huge factor, dad going to the appointment he is much more assertive shall we say then me so where as the nurses have kept palming me off they prob haven't had a choice with his dad. So there is one positive in this I guess.

I spoke to child maintenance today because dad has tried to stop the claim and explained the situation. They have agreed wait and see atm is the right thing to do.

I can't deduct the DLA off the child maintenance they are two separate things. I am just worried like the child maintenance he will go behind my back and try and claim the DLA sooner. However upon looking online it says there's a month leeway so that will tie in with the start of school which is when I feel the real test will start with regards to him listening to dad etc.

In regards to dad seeing the other kids more I didn't mean more overnights but days out or having them for dinner which he did before. Youngest child has been telling everyone her brother has gone to live with dad and yesterday told my friends who were over she only has one brother now... these are the things I want to avoid she is only little and so confused. Second son still texting to see dad and being told no... I worry how this will effect the other threes relationship with their dad and brother. All well and good son getting his own way and doing what he wants but their dad needs to take into consideration the other three children.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 10/08/2023 09:39

Don't send him.any money at all. He might come home soon. I'd see where he is in a month's time before handing over the child benefit. However the dla should go to the son directly, it's actually his. He must pay child maintenance to the other children with you. If son remains with him, just deduct it from the others. You should not be sending him any money at all. I think his dad will show his true colours soon, and make son want to come home again.

Devilinthedeet · 10/08/2023 17:09

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Annaishere · 10/08/2023 17:42

I’m sorry your son had left to stay with his dad. Mine did this before for a few weeks and it was so hurtful. I don’t know about the child maintenance it sounds really confusing, but I think you should still give your son money and buy him things he needs, so he knows he can still depend on you