Honest or cruel?

[MoMuM7]

My mother prides herself on being honest and forthcoming. She says what I consider, very offensive things, and concludes with an 'I'm just being honest'. We were raised in a household where you were encouraged to voice your feelings not matter who you hurt. I always found that brutal and was considered the 'sensitive' one. We have a civil, not close, relationship so I just got on with it. My mum said something that deeply hurt and I called her out and yet again, I was labeled as too sensitive.

Apparently i was a very difficult baby. Born with a birth defect, needed multiple surgeries before I was one etc. This plunged mum into PND. It was the worst year of her life as she's often told me. She neglected my older siblings, lost herself etc..Hard stuff I understand. But yesterday she told me that she would have aborted me had she known what my first year of life would be...

Am I being sensitive or is it incredibly hurtful to tell your child that you would aborted them if you could go back in time?

That is awful OP. I’m sorry she said that to you.

That is a terrible thing for your mother to say. There is no excuse for it. I am so sorry you had to hear that from her and hope you have other, better, more supportive people in your life.

You're not being sensitive, what your mother said is awful. I wouldn't see her if I were you.

Your mother is a narcissist.

I'm sorry she said that to you. You're not being insensitive x

That’s a vile thing for her to say. 💐

I’d deeply limit how much you speak to her. And don’t be shy about explaining why.

That is a truly dreadful thing to say to your child. You are not being over-sensitive.

My god what is wrong with the woman ! Of course you are not being sensitive. I was also born with a birth defect and I would be devastated if my mum said that to me.

Well, if “I’m just being honest’” your mother is a nasty horror and she doesn’t deserve you.

Why is it, that anytime anyone just 'says it how it is' or 'just being honest' it's something negative or fucking nasty?

Your 'mother' is one of those nasty pieces of shit. Disgusting

My mother said this to me too, repeatedly when I was a teenager. It’s the most hurtful thing a parent can say. I’m NC with mine these days. The over-sensitive comment from her is so she can make your reaction the problem and not her action.

It's a a nasty manipulative double whammy.

The cruelty is passed off as honesty and it's somehow your fault when it hurts. Even when it's meant to hurt.

Being honest doesn't give her a free for all to say every thought in her head. Most normal people would feel incredibly guilty for thinking that never mind saying it to the child!!! She is awful. I would keep her at arms legnth.

Also i read somewhere you should ask yourself "is it honest?, is it necessary? Then is it kind?" Try to teach my kids that. I expect far too late for your mum to learn also i expect she knows exactly what she is doing and intends to be hurtful.

Sometimes people who have certain type of personality feel that their need/wish to say something overrides the needs or feelings of the listener.

My parents separated when I was 5, I was one of four.

My mother told me once that if she hadn’t had children so early in her marriage, then she thinks they wouldn’t have divorced.

I was nine years old when she said this.

Some people just lack self-awareness.

This is a textbook case of emotional abuse. "I'm just being honest/ i only want what is best for you / nobody else will tell you the truth" - abusers mantra.

That is a truly awful thing for a mother to say to her child. I’m so sorry she said that OP. You’re not being over sensitive at all.

That’s messed up, OP. What a selfish cow. Even if she thinks it she shouldn’t say it to you

Honesty without kindness is cruelty. Kindness without honestly is manipulative.

Whoever said that honesty has to be brutal? If you cannot find a way to tell the truth to a loved one without being 'brutal' then that is a failing in your communication skills.

Your mother is cruel, hurtful, selfish and lacking empathy. That's a horrible, terrible thing to say to you.

I’d turn the honesty back to face her, explain her failings, then go no contact

Well I guess it’s honest!! Did it have anything to do with your conversation or did she just blurt it out?

She’s not being honest, she’s being cruel. She thinks framing it as ‘honesty’ gives her license to say horrible things, but without her have to take any responsibility for her cruelty. I’m so sorry that she said that to you OP, you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Personally I'd start being honest with her and tell her that you've no desire to spend any time with her because she's an incredibly unpleasant human being.

Your mother sounds abusive. That is a shockingly cruel thing to say to one's own child.

I think the difference between honesty and cruelty is whether something really needs to be said, whether there's actually anything constructive to be gained from the honesty. And if there is, a person should at least try to be tactful and considerate about it.

Your mother says things just to hurt people. I suspect it's a control thing.

That's absolutely not OK to say that to your child!

Being honest is only useful if done sensitively and has a positive outcome for those involved. Telling you she would have had an abortion couldn't possibly have served any use at all!

At DS's school they do a THINK acronym -
Before we speak, we need to T.H.I.N.K. We need to ask:

• T – Is what I’m saying True?


• H – Is it Helpful?


• I – Is it Inspiring?


• N – Is it Necessary?


• K – Is it Kind?