Honest or cruel?

[MoMuM7]

My mother prides herself on being honest and forthcoming. She says what I consider, very offensive things, and concludes with an 'I'm just being honest'. We were raised in a household where you were encouraged to voice your feelings not matter who you hurt. I always found that brutal and was considered the 'sensitive' one. We have a civil, not close, relationship so I just got on with it. My mum said something that deeply hurt and I called her out and yet again, I was labeled as too sensitive.

Apparently i was a very difficult baby. Born with a birth defect, needed multiple surgeries before I was one etc. This plunged mum into PND. It was the worst year of her life as she's often told me. She neglected my older siblings, lost herself etc..Hard stuff I understand. But yesterday she told me that she would have aborted me had she known what my first year of life would be...

Am I being sensitive or is it incredibly hurtful to tell your child that you would aborted them if you could go back in time?

Honestly, that is a disgusting thing to say. She may have felt it, may have had PND, but there are just some things you don't say.

Using 'I'm being honest' is just a cop out for being cruel.

I'd have very limited contact.

That's vile of your mum. Absolutely awful

I feel you op , my mother is the same. I hear comments like this all the time . You’re not too sensitive and she was out of order with her comments . My children have asd and my mum will say well least they don’t look disabled . I asked her what do u mean she basically said she wouldn’t have a children who looks disabled and she would have had us adopted or aborted if we was . It’s got nothing to do with not being able to cope or anything like this , it’s the way we look that would bother her . Life with her was incredibly hard , when she says that I just say I would have probably had a better childhood if u had

Perfectly put!
It's deliberately cruel. She knows it. Then gaslights your (appropriate hurt)
OP, limit your exposure to her. She will probably get (even!) worse as she ages

You're not being sensitive. Being honest implies it's dishonest not to have said something, but it's not dishonest to keep certain views or feelings to yourself if you know voicing them serves no real purpose and will hurt someone.

Your mother has achieved nothing other than to upset you with her 'honestly' and so it's serves no purpose. It's just cruel. I'm sorry that you've had to hear her say cruel things to you. Remember your worth as a person doesn't hang on the opinion of any one person. Surround yourself with people who want to protect your heart, not hurt it.

Jesus.
Some things you keep to yourself, I can understand it may have been dark days for her, depression, worry etc, but you don’t tell your child that!

Perhaps you should also be honest and tell her she’s a ! (I’ll let you come to your own conclusions!) Despicable thing to say. Sorry op.

Cruel

Cruel, definitely. I'm sure you were worth the stress of the hard start, that is really a short time compared to all the time after.

I've a relative like that, says she "calls a spade a spade" 🙄 It's just arrogance really, the belief that her view is the right view, and everyone wants to hear it. It's not always, and we don't.

People who are deliberately cruel in the name of 'honesty' don't deserve your time or respect OP, even if that person is your Mum.

I think she was just being honest about her parenting difficulties

She doesn't mean she didn't want you but she wa unprepared for the ons struggles she faced

A disabled adult knows the difficulties of childhood and how it's not a walk in the park they don't need their mother to tell then that "it causerd pnd) and if she knew she would consider termination, there Is sharing experiences then there is cruelty and emotionally dumping on your adult child!

She said she would have aborted her just yesterday. That's just cruel.

My mother and grandfather are/were like this (one of definitely dead and I don't know about the other one). The only truth that matters is their interpretation of it, and it is always worded to hurt- no effort is ever made to soften a blow. They enjoy the hurting part, it's the whole point.

However, when someone else expresses their version of the truth (often that their words are unnecessarily hurtful/spiteful and possible not even objectively true), this is interpreted as a personal attack or extreme sensitivity.

My mother told me often that she didn't love me when I was first born, and it took her a while to get used to me. That is almost certainly true. It is also a very damaging thing for a child to hear.

You need to tell your mother thst she uses 'honesty' as an excuse for cruelty. She lacks empathy and sounds like she has a personality disorder

Fucking hell, that is awful. I'm so sorry she said that to you.

This is exactly right.

What exactly are you supposed to do with this information? What was the point of your mother telling you that? It was cruel and selfish of her, and beyond careless of her to share it with you.

Absolutely NBU. There is a time for harsh honesty e.g. telling someone they smell (it's not nice to tell them, but it's for the best that they know) but what your mother said is downright wrong. What kind of person says that to their child?! I would have to tell her that she is an awful human being who doesn't deserve the kids she has with a 'just being honest' thrown in at the end

That is shocking.

My son has a severe disability and I would never ever say anything like that.

Jesus. Agreed - this is cruelty dressed up as honesty. Sounds like your mother resents being a mum and takes it out in her kids under this ‘honesty’ guise to me.

You’re not too sensitive. You’re a normal amount of sensitive.

That's a disgusting thing for your mum to say. She's not a good person, she couldn't say that if she was. She's one of those people that think 'truth' can excuse anything no matter how racist or nasty or bigoted. She's wrong. You're not too sensitive, it's perfectly normal to find things like that unnecessary nastiness.

My son was born with a life limiting condition, the first year of his life was pure hell, I suffered from PTSD & if I’d know what it was going to be like, I would have had an abortion…. I would never say any of this to him, it’s my parental struggle that I own.

Your mother should be thoroughly ashamed of her "honesty". You are not unreasonable for feeling very hurt by what she said.

It's one thing to be honest, another to be a completely insensitive and uncaring twat - your mother (I use that term loosely) is the latter. Sorry, OP.

Honesty is only good to an extent. Then it becomes cruelty.