Honest or cruel?

[MoMuM7]

My mother prides herself on being honest and forthcoming. She says what I consider, very offensive things, and concludes with an 'I'm just being honest'. We were raised in a household where you were encouraged to voice your feelings not matter who you hurt. I always found that brutal and was considered the 'sensitive' one. We have a civil, not close, relationship so I just got on with it. My mum said something that deeply hurt and I called her out and yet again, I was labeled as too sensitive.

Apparently i was a very difficult baby. Born with a birth defect, needed multiple surgeries before I was one etc. This plunged mum into PND. It was the worst year of her life as she's often told me. She neglected my older siblings, lost herself etc..Hard stuff I understand. But yesterday she told me that she would have aborted me had she known what my first year of life would be...

Am I being sensitive or is it incredibly hurtful to tell your child that you would aborted them if you could go back in time?

I think I’m in the minority with not finding it particularly offensive.

there are many posters on here who push that it’s a woman’s right to choose abortion for any reason right up to delivery (not me, I’m happy with 24 weeks). So many many women knowing that they would have a very difficult first year would probably have chosen to abort. It doesn’t change her love for you now, but if she’d have known how tough things would have been she probably wouldn’t have been alone in choosing not to go ahead.

ok, she didn’t need to tell you, but it probably wasn’t said intentionally to upset you. She was probably just thinking of things practically. This is from someone who’s own mother told them regularly growing up that they were a mistake and would never have chosen to have another baby so soon after her first and that I made things incredibly difficult and ruined her mental health. She’s right, I did. F all I can do about it though and I don’t hold it against my mum. It was a hellish time for her and I was a very difficult baby.

"Being honest" rarely involves telling people something nice - funny that, isn't it? Putting a positive spin on what your mum said to you, perhaps she meant that she had been upset at what you had to go though? I wouldn't automatically assume that she meant she wished you weren't there - simply that both you and the family would have been spared an ordeal at the time. I do think that she is lacking self-awareness rather than being deliberately cruel, but I also think that you have a negative mindset towards her that you should be trying to turn around for your own mental wellbeing.

Maybe if more people were honest about being a parent potential parents would be able to weigh up the pros and cons, rather than parents suppressing their feelings and making out it's oh soooooo wonderful and amaaazzing raising children.

My mother openly admits she drank a bottle of gin in a hot bath in an attempt to end her pregnancy with my sister. And when I queried why she didn’t have many newborn photos of me she said I looked like a baby monkey (I had a lush head of hair) and if I’d been firstborn she might not have been game to have another.

I love her though.

It depends how she said it
For example I would probably have never had children if I had actually known how hard it would be, especially the trauma I went through during childbirth and the first year when I was walking around like a zombie.
But I am glad I didn't know because my children are the best thing I have ever done and now I have them I would go through anything for them. Perhaps she means something similar?

Funny how all these 'I'm just being honest!' types only ever use this apparently incurable trait to spread negativity. You never get a 'I just say it how it is!' person saying 'I just wanted to let you know that you look lovely', 'Well done on that project, I'm proud of you!' or 'I was thinking about you today, hope you're well'

Maybe they're not actually sincere and they're really just pricks

This!

This, and what @ididntwanttodoit said!

I think your own experience is very much colouring your view that this was an ok thing to say, it wasn't and your mother shouldn't have said that to you either.

My mother is like this. Says fucking awful things and says, "I'm only saying." or "I'm only trying to help". To which we all used to shout, "Just fucking don't!" Then she would sulk, because God forbid we offend her. Could rein that blistering honesty and overwhelming desire to be helpful in around other people, though. Funny that.

My mother once told me that "If she had her time over again she wouldn't have got married and had a family."

This amazed me, because I wondered if she felt like that, why didn't she stop with me, instead of going on to have 2 other children ??

Her feelings are valid. It isn't usually wise to blurt our thoughts out as they occur, but some people seem to have no filter. You're obviously not being 'too sensitive' here, @MoMuM7!

Maybe that wasn't the whole thought - she would've done anything to avoid the PND, but loved having you as a daughter; or she's sorry that her experience coloured her relationship with you growing up. You aren't a mind reader, though.

It's usual to try & put ourselves in the other person's shoes when formulating a potentially offensive truth. Some genuinely can't do it. And some can, but don't care.

@Glamrockgoddess, might your mother have been trying to say the marriage was a burden?

Yep. This.

they also always hide behind the good old “you’re being too sensitive.”

OP- there’s a difference between being honest and being cruel. Your mother is cruel and nasty. There was no reason or purpose behind what she said except to inflict pain.

People like this who pride themselves on being oh so honest and always telling the truth rarely as the poster above pointed out never take the opportunity to be nice and kind and loving. They always take the opportunity to be cruel.

For people saying that her DM has no filter and using that as an excuse- bullshit.

People also hide behind “oh, I’ve just got no filter, me” to get away with their cruelty and careless words.

However they suddenly, magically develop a filter and watch their words when they’re at work, or in front of customers or friends or a prospective partner.

They only act like this with people they think they can get away with it with.

You were probably 'a difficult baby' because of her attitude towards you😪

My mother told me that she didn't know where I had come from and that she had to go back to her abusive husband when she found she was pregnant.......as if I was responsible 🙄

Some people are completely lacking in empathy unless it is directed towards themselves. My mother always wants people to feel sorry for her🤦‍♀️ but can never put herself in the other person's shoes or think of the effect on them.

Your mother is nasty pos. You'd be better off without her in your life. And use her example and tell her

That's not being honest, that's being nasty to say that. I'd go very low contact with her. Possibly only cards and no personal visits.

I don't know.

She was a SAHM as she gave up her job as a Domestic Science teacher when she married my dad.

I don't really know what she was thinking.

She sounds evil. Despicable to tell your child you would’ve aborted them.

Id just cut the bitch out personally.

What a disgusting thing to say. Just because you are family, does not mean you need to have a relationship with this toxic woman.

Sounds like something mine would say. She once said "we lost a baby before you, i wish we didn't because then we wouldn't have had you"

Just to be clear, I've not spoken to the witch for 15 years now and it's been fucking wonderful.

For context,I'm the only girl (eldest) boy,them twin boys
My parents lost 3 stillborn babies before I came along and where desperate for children
My mother is a narcissist,my father an enabler and at least two of my brothers have narc/abusive traits
I'm the scapegoat-2 of my brothes are the gc

My mother (I'm now nc) would tell me all the bloody time that she wished she'd aborted me,it's because of me she stayed with my father and if she hadn't had me,she could have left him and being happy and every single mistake I've ever made was some sort of black shadow on her amazing parenting

She wasn't forced to have me,she could have left my father (who has his faults but worships her and is,deep down,not a bad man) but she stayed and chose to have more children with him and she's still with him-50 years married

Every mistake I've ever made-they where my mistakes-im human and she certainly isn't a perfect parent-far from it

It's her not you-but it does sting

She's not 'honest' she's just bloody nasty-some things you just don't say

Too sensitive? Too sensitive for what? If it’s too sensitive to want to hear your mother would have aborted you if she knew what your infancy was going to be like then I would imagine most of the world is “too sensitive”. Suggest perhaps she lacks even basic sensitivity? She sounds like she has the hide of a rhino.

Absolutely disgusting. I would go very low contact. She does not deserve you