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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think pregnant women should be offered a seat?

377 replies

Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 08:39

Travelling at least twice a day with changes in London and I’m noticing that it’s less and less common to offer a pregnant woman a seat.
I feel like it wasn’t like this during my last pregnancy but this time it almost seems to rare for someone to offer!
I’m 34 weeks pregnant and due to a mixture of sickness and low blood pressure I get really faint in stuffy, busy spaces ie standing on a busy tube. I’m sure that isn’t really unique and many pregnant women feel similarly.
Occasionally someone else also standing will go up to people sitting and ask can one of them let me sit down.
One time I felt truly horrific and could feel my head spinning I asked the people who were in or near the priority seats but they all pretended not to hear me ask about 3 times and then I fainted so that really put me off asking in future.
I kind of feel like the people who look up multiple times and see you standing in front of them then look back down and ignore you are exactly the sort of people to ignore or say no when you explicitly asked which was sort of proven when I’ve asked’
As a side note I’m 34 weeks so a pretty substantial sized bump, fairly petite in general so it’s obviously bump and isn’t hidden under coats due to the weather, plus I wear the badge.
AIBU to think people are just ruder than ever now?

Is it now an unreasonable opinion to think pregnant woman should be offered a seat?

OP posts:
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6
GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 13:31

Indeed, and I haven't ever asked a specific person to move. I have hoped a specific person might look round and check.

It seems others would have someone down as a self absorbed arse for not checking. But maybe they’re not checking because they need the seat and so have no intention of offering it. Apparently if they have headphones on and eyes closed they don’t. 🙄

The fact is, that we can’t really judge anyone for not giving up their seat because they may have a reason to need it. It seems that even with all the awareness and signs about some things being invisible, that message still isn’t getting through.

AvanGelist · 18/07/2023 13:34

GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 13:31

Indeed, and I haven't ever asked a specific person to move. I have hoped a specific person might look round and check.

It seems others would have someone down as a self absorbed arse for not checking. But maybe they’re not checking because they need the seat and so have no intention of offering it. Apparently if they have headphones on and eyes closed they don’t. 🙄

The fact is, that we can’t really judge anyone for not giving up their seat because they may have a reason to need it. It seems that even with all the awareness and signs about some things being invisible, that message still isn’t getting through.

Like a PP said her young slim fit daughter has fibromyalgia. Presumably She'd be judged for not offering her seat...

hot2trotter · 18/07/2023 13:46

Unfortunately it's been the same (for me) for a long time. I've had 4 children, and when visibly pregnant I've never once been offered a seat on public transport.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/07/2023 13:54

ForTheSnarkWasABoojumYouSee · 18/07/2023 11:23

Yes.

Everyone who is sitting on a priority seat who doesn't have a priority need is obligated to check at each stop for people who need the seat more. That's the system, it's explained on signs above the priority seats.

If you don't like it, then don't sit on a priority seat, no-one's forcing you.

Show quote history

I agree. It’s not rocket science. The point of those seats is that, if you don’t need them, you keep a look out and OFFER them if needed.

I always did ask if pregnant though and always got a seat (in London but also used to travel quite widely within England and Wales at the time).

Not to set a cat amongst pigeons though, but a straw people of people I know (not scientific) suggested that white women get offered seats more easily than black or Asian women.

GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 14:02

I agree. It’s not rocket science. The point of those seats is that, if you don’t need them, you keep a look out and OFFER them if needed.

But how do you know those people don’t need them? Maybe they’re not offering them because they need them, but here they’re called self absorbed twunts and have people judging that they don’t need them, based on how they look or the fact they’re wearing headphones!

Yea2023 · 18/07/2023 14:10

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/07/2023 13:54

I agree. It’s not rocket science. The point of those seats is that, if you don’t need them, you keep a look out and OFFER them if needed.

I always did ask if pregnant though and always got a seat (in London but also used to travel quite widely within England and Wales at the time).

Not to set a cat amongst pigeons though, but a straw people of people I know (not scientific) suggested that white women get offered seats more easily than black or Asian women.

Show quote history

I am black and always got or was offered a seat, but my presentation does have a certain class privilege which sometimes trumps race (if that makes sense).

There was some differential treatment mind you, heavily preg with first a man going through a heavy westfield door held it, looked behind to me said ‘oh she’s black’ and slammed it in my face.

Not that it matters, but for clarity he wasn’t white.

ilovesooty · 18/07/2023 14:10

ForTheSnarkWasABoojumYouSee · 18/07/2023 12:49

When the DC were in a buggy I'd simply look helpless at the bottom of underground stairs and wait for a passer-by to wordlessly help me carry it up. Always worked like a charm. I'm a great believer in the power of body language over the social faux pas of talking to strangers.

If I can, I'll help someone who asks. I wouldn't feel inclined to help someone who stands there passive aggressively looking helpless on purpose because they won't speak to strangers.

Coolhwip · 18/07/2023 14:17

It’s shit that people don’t offer. I am one of those that will ask on behalf of a pregnant woman to get her a seat and I’m happy to do it.

But really you need to be more assertive and say loudly and clearly that you need a priority seat urgently.

Original poster
Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 14:19

GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 14:02

I agree. It’s not rocket science. The point of those seats is that, if you don’t need them, you keep a look out and OFFER them if needed.

But how do you know those people don’t need them? Maybe they’re not offering them because they need them, but here they’re called self absorbed twunts and have people judging that they don’t need them, based on how they look or the fact they’re wearing headphones!

It's a game of numbers though isn't it, what are the chances that regularly every one of the 16 or so seated people all have a hidden disability or medical condition that makes it hard to stand? It's pretty unlikely.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 18/07/2023 14:19

I’m very fortunate to be fit and well in the latter stages of pregnancy. I’m very small and do have a neat bump but it’s still pretty obvious. I get the tube a lot and have never been offered a seat. Ever. I use a very busy commuter line and it’s become sport watching people try not to look at my belly as I hang on to an overhead rail, while they all sit down. I’m sure some of them have more need of the seat than me, but it is astonishing how many people don’t wish to sacrifice their own comfort to help someone else out who may well need it.

I stood to offer my seat to an elderly gentleman the other morning, while dozens of youngish suited men studiously looked at their phones or into ‘middle distance’.

ForTheSnarkWasABoojumYouSee · 18/07/2023 14:20

ilovesooty · 18/07/2023 14:10

If I can, I'll help someone who asks. I wouldn't feel inclined to help someone who stands there passive aggressively looking helpless on purpose because they won't speak to strangers.

Show quote history

That's fine, it's your choice, there's always plenty of other people who will just nod and grab the front end. Me for a start.

ActDottie · 18/07/2023 14:24

Just ask also get a baby on board badge cuz I think they make it obvious you want a seat.

Im currently 14 weeks and working from home due to sickness but I’d like to get back to the office soon a few days a week and I’d like to always have a seat on the train so I’m getting prepare to ask people.

But I agree with your the dizzy ness and sickness from pregnancy I can’t imagine not having a seat!

GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 14:25

It's a game of numbers though isn't it, what are the chances that regularly every one of the 16 or so seated people all have a hidden disability or medical condition that makes it hard to stand? It's pretty unlikely.

No idea. Neither do you. That’s why I don’t judge others for not offering a seat.

Original poster
Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 14:28

GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 14:25

It's a game of numbers though isn't it, what are the chances that regularly every one of the 16 or so seated people all have a hidden disability or medical condition that makes it hard to stand? It's pretty unlikely.

No idea. Neither do you. That’s why I don’t judge others for not offering a seat.

Given that 35% of people have answered that it is unreasonable to think a pregnant woman should be offered a seat, clearly a large portion of people are actually just self absorbed.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 18/07/2023 14:29

@ActDottie OP already has a badge.

@GuitarsInHeaven I'm judging people for not checking whether someone else might need it more. If they've got earphones in and eyes closed then they're not even checking.

MCOut · 18/07/2023 14:35

I think on London, tube’s people escape to their own little Worlds to get through the commute. I have never seen anybody refuse when asked so I’d assume that they didn’t hear you.

MCOut · 18/07/2023 14:40

I’ve just seen the poll results. People really? If you’re an able bodied you’d sit in a seat and wilfully ignore a pregnant woman in front of you?

Original poster
Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 14:43

MCOut · 18/07/2023 14:40

I’ve just seen the poll results. People really? If you’re an able bodied you’d sit in a seat and wilfully ignore a pregnant woman in front of you?

Thats what I mean, lots of posters saying they shouldn't have to look around when they're on the tube etc, they are just relaxing and zoning out etc but clearly a big percentage of those who don't offer seem to actually disagree with the principle.

OP posts:
GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 14:59

If they've got earphones in and eyes closed then they're not even checking.

There might be a reason they have earphones and eyes closed. My child has autism, they close their eyes and wear earphones to deal with sensory issues when on public transport. The flashing light and dark, the train noise, people talking, it’s too much for her. No, she will not be checking if others need the seat, because she needs it. And she’s the least ‘self absorbed twunt’ I know. People need to think before judging.

GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 15:02

Given that 35% of people have answered that it is unreasonable to think a pregnant woman should be offered a seat, clearly a large portion of people are actually just self absorbed.

I think, like me, they probably just don’t think pregnant women need a seat as standard. I’ve been pregnant 3 times and never needed a seat. Others do. Just ask if you do as not everyone is looking out for badges.

arlequin · 18/07/2023 15:04

Oh I so agree I hate it. Usually someone nice dies offer but omg the number of people who deliberately avert their gaze as soon as they see me. It's so depressing. Especially when in the priority seats. Drives me mad!

GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 15:11

Especially when in the priority seats. Drives me mad!

🤦🏻‍♀️ but they might need that priority seat too!

Original poster
Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 15:12

@GuitarsInHeaven I think, like me, they probably just don’t think pregnant women need a seat as standard

That's very clear from your posts, at least you admit it now.

OP posts:
TuesdayWonder · 18/07/2023 15:20

Where I am the trains and buses all state that people should give up priority seats if a pregnant person, elderly person or someone with a disability requires it. The only grey area being someone may not have a visible disability so it looks like they are being selfish taking the seat but they may need it although not obvious to everyone.

I do think YANBU though, if you have gone out of your way to ask for a seat I would hope people would let you sit (if they don't require the seat due to hidden disability). If I noticed a pregnant woman standing I would always offer a seat without needing to be asked

GuitarsInHeaven · 18/07/2023 15:30

That's very clear from your posts, at least you admit it now.

It’s just fact though. Not all pregnant women would need or want a seat. I was still running and exercising the days before I went into labour. Ask for a seat and if people can give you one, they may. I would. If they don’t, that may be because they also need their seat.